All living beings in hell

Chapter 120 - Matthew the Blind
The lotus lantern at the entrance was lit up, and the office welcomed the three guests of No.70.

The guest politely knocked on the door a few times, and then waited at the door.

"Come in," I said.

The door creaked open, and a thin, not too tall brown-skinned man walked in by touching the door frame.The man was wearing a red-brown woolen suit jacket, and his silver-white hair was neatly brushed back to the back of his head with hairspray.The eyebrows seem to have been carefully groomed, and the peaks and tails of the eyebrows are clean and pleasing to the eye.The man holds a cane for the blind in his right hand, and wears black sunglasses that look like a luxury brand on his face.

"Oh hello, hello, sorry to bother you." The man said hello to the bookshelf on the left with a British accent.

"I'm here."

The man was a little embarrassed, and repeated what he said just now: "Hi, sorry to bother you."

His blind man's cane tapped on the ground and tried until it stopped in front of the wooden chair.Slowly bent down and groped for the outline of the wooden chair, and only after confirming the position of the chair, slowly bent down and sat down.

"Drink tea?"

"Is there any milk or sugar?"

"Neither, sorry."

"Then stop drinking, thank you."

The man raised his legs gracefully, and put the cane horizontally on his knees.I poured myself bitter tea and took a sip.

"What should I call you?"

"Matthew Saloviss, nice to meet you, Mr. Writer."

"Why did you come to me today?"

"I don't really understand why I'm in hell. I hope to hear a reasonable explanation."

"Tell me about your life."

"I was born in an ordinary worker's family in Leeds, West Yorkshire. My father was a bank employee and my mother worked in a leather shoe factory outside Leeds. I have three older brothers and one younger sister. The whole family is a devout Catholic. .”

"What do you think brought you to hell?"

Matthew looked hesitant, rolling his hands back and forth on the cane.

"I like women and I like men. Maybe that's what got me to hell."

"Personal sexual orientation preferences will not directly lead to the destination of the soul. Most of the time, events caused by motivation affect the weight of the soul. When the weight accumulates to a certain level, it can only fall down."

"In our time, it was very difficult for a young man like me to survive. I died in 1978, at the age of 32, and was beaten to death in a city parade.

At that time, I had moved from Leeds to Detroit and wanted to start a different life in the United States.I thought America was free and democratic, but I lost my life in the parade.In fact, I still don't know whether I was hit by a police bullet or accidentally injured by people in the parade. "

"What did you want to do when you came to America?"

"My family members are devout Catholics and I love them very much, but they would not allow someone like me to exist in a traditional Catholic family. My existence shames them and my parents They can't hold their heads up in front of their relatives and friends.

I came out to my parents when I was 26 and was forced to disown my family.It was a painful time, and I felt deeply powerless, like sinking to the bottom of the sea where there was no light at all.I wanted to end my life countless times, but didn't dare.

I am a timid Englishman who lives by begging by day and drinking by night.I wandered on the streets for half a year, repeatedly ravaging my body and nerves with alcohol, and that half year was even more difficult than being in this hell. "

"and after?"

"Half a year later, Leeds was about to enter winter. Winter is deadly for all homeless people, and I had two choices.

One, get a job that's still there, preferably where I can live, as long as I have the money to buy me coffee and sandwiches.Second, go to the welfare home of the church for the winter.

Obviously, it is impossible for me to go to the orphanage.In the eyes of the church, I am like a walking Satan. How can I, who is inherently evil, walk into that kind of place?

Fortunately, I found a job as a conductor at the door of a certain theater.It was a newly built movie theater, and the hit movie at that time was "The Godfather" directed by Francis Coppola.In addition to "The Godfather", the cinema will also show some imported B-grade movies after midnight.I often sneak into the cinema after the last wave of tickets are sold, hide in the most inconspicuous corner, and watch the people on the screen show their desires openly.

There are chairs in the cinema where you can sleep, and there are bathrooms where you can dress yourself up. This is my dream job.I just stayed there, and it took another half a year to do this.

Half a year later, my life was changed by a man from America.His name is Edward Lanter.

I remember it well, it was the beginning of April and the weather was just getting warmer in Leeds.That was supposed to be my last week selling tickets, and I had figured out that after that, I was going to find another job, and that was the week I met Mr. Lanter.

Mr. Lanter stayed in the cinema from morning to night every day.Except for a sandwich sold at a nearby café at lunchtime, he was in the cinema, watching the same movies over and over again, including imported B-movies after midnight.

On the last day of my ticket sales, I was in a good mood, so when I handed the tickets to Mr. Lanter, I asked one more question, what do you do for work?

This question changed my life. "

I poured a glass of cold water and stuffed the glass into Matthew's hand. He stroked the texture of the clay cup carefully, as if reading the cup like a book.

"Mr. Lanter is a director from the United States. He came to Leeds to shoot a movie. According to him, the crew finished filming a week ahead of schedule, leaving a lot of time and money for him to play around. But he doesn't want to play anything, Just wanting to kill time in the cinema. I spoke to Mr. Lanter and I'm happy to hear him go on to say more, but I'm off work now and this is the last day I'll be selling tickets here.

Mr. Lanter asked me what my future plans were, and I told him I might change jobs.

After leaving the ticket booth, Mr. Lanter invited me to a nearby cafe for coffee and orange scones.We chatted from movies to the New Culture Movement, from the democratic system to American parties.The more they talked, the more speculative they became, and there was even a feeling of hating seeing each other later.On the day of parting, Mr. Lanter asked me if I wanted to go to America with him.

That's how I moved from Leeds to Detroit. "

"How did you lose your vision?"

Matthew hesitated again, and every time he was thinking, his hands would roll back and forth on the blind stick.This time his palms were sweating finely, and the sweat dried up as soon as it touched the surface of the blind stick.

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Well, well, I respect you."

"So why am I in hell, Mr. Writer?"

"From what you've said so far, I can't figure it out."

"What would you do if you saw something in your life that you really didn't want to see?"

"What will you do?"

Matthew tapped the rim of his sunglasses with his index finger.

"Mr. Lanter is the love of my life, but I am not his."

"what happened?"

"Mr. Lanter and I came to Detroit and started our cohabitation life. I thought we would leave Leeds and England completely this time. America, the free continent, everything will be fine in the future. At least I am So sincerely hope.

After living with Mr. Lanter, I found out that Mr. Lanter's partner is not just me.If that's all, it's fine, I can leave him and go to other cities in the United States to seek a living. It's not that I don't have the ability to support myself.

Yet Ranter told me repeatedly that he loved me and that he couldn't leave me.Later, he even told me that I was worthless without him.

At that time, all my sources of income and all the friends I met in Detroit were related to Mr. Lanter. I was terrified and didn't know what to do.I use an injectable drug called 'CN-RS' every time I feel scared.This drug makes me feel relaxed, very relaxed, and my whole body's senses are slowly relaxing.It's like drinking to the right level, like taking a breath of oxygen at the bottom of the dark water.

It was also 'CN-RS' that took away my vision.

The worse my eyesight was, the worse my temper became.I started to frequent demonstrations of all kinds, and it was a relief to be with the crowd and cause chaos.Shouting that provocative slogan, it at least made my life feel a little bit more meaningful.Being blind allowed me to receive preferential treatment among the demonstrators, which made me feel special, and made me feel that I was no longer worthless as Mr. Rant said.

You already know the following story, I was killed by bullets flying from nowhere during a parade.Two bullets, one through the chest and the other in the thigh.It was painful, but I had a feeling that I was about to be relieved.

Yes, I felt like I was about to break free.And I may be regarded by the locals as some kind of spiritual leader, the blind Matthew Saluvis, who sacrificed his life for the progress of democracy. I don’t know if my name will be included in the future history books. "

"When I was studying American history, I never read your name."

Matthew waved his hand: "This is a joke, don't take it seriously, Mr. Writer."

"Do you still feel that your existence is worthless?"

Matthew started rolling the cane on his knee again.

"Yes, I feel that my existence is worthless."

"Who defines this value? Who do you want to create value for?"

"To my family, to society, to other people like me. I hope my existence can bring about some changes for them."

"Change? What if those people don't want to change?"

"Everyone is dissatisfied with the status quo and wants more or less change."

"And if you can't help others bring about change, you feel worthless?"

"Yes."

"It is very difficult to change a person's concept, and it is even more difficult to change the collective perception of a society. In many cases, it is not possible for one person to do it. Most of the people who have done this in history Either being assassinated, or committing suicide, the best ending is to live in seclusion and disappear from the public eye.”

"Can I be counted as assassinated?"

"I don't know if you were assassinated, but I think your personal existence values ​​should not be this measure. This measure is unfair to yourself and others. If others don't want to be changed by you What about it? If others worry about frustrating your sense of value and force you to act with you, it will be very tiring for others.”

"I'm not like Mr. Lanter. I don't force others to do things they can't do, and I don't mind control others. What Mr. Lanter did to me at the beginning reminded me of...my father. Since childhood Growing up, my dad kept telling me over and over how useless I was as a man."

"Well, what Mr. Lanter and your father did to you hurt you deeply. Even with all the hurt, it's really good that you choose not to do the same thing to others."

"So... so..." There was a line of tears behind the sunglasses, and Matthew quickly wiped away the tears, "I felt that I had to do something to be valuable... My existence is valuable..."

"You don't have to do anything, your existence itself is meaningful."

"I don't agree. If I drink heavily and fight with gangsters every day, is such a life worthwhile?"

"Because you've been subjected to mind control, you choose not to treat people that way. Because you've been on the streets drinking and trying to work, and you found it.

No matter what you do, each second has a greater or lesser impact on the next.These influences are superimposed to form a thinking, belief, habit, spirit, character... These, everyone has.To understand one's own thoughts, to understand how one's current self came here, and where one will go, and to recognize oneself in the changing and fluidity of time.Your existence is meaningful because you are existence itself. "

"so complicated……"

"It's already such a complicated meaning, enough for you to think about it for a while."

"What should I do if I can't figure out the result?"

"There are no results in the first place, and each result is the beginning of the next process."

Matthew stopped talking, he sat quietly for a while, then stood up.

"I'm a little tired, sir."

"Well, you did talk a lot today, and speaking is a very energy-consuming thing."

Matthew picked up the blind stick and tapped it on the ground twice: "Thank you for spending time on me, I feel very honored."

"No, no need."

"Goodbye, sir."

"Goodbye."

The cane was probing left and right on the floor, and amidst the rhythmic knocking sound, Matthew groped to the door.Zhiya opened the door and continued to grope, slowly, back into hell.

(End of this chapter)