All living beings in hell

Chapter 64
Amnesia... or the loss of the feelings in the memory, the impact is much greater than I imagined

When I woke up on the floor in the middle of the office, a wordless anger suddenly rushed to the top of my head, like a newborn baby who didn’t know how to express his emotions, but was stimulated by anger and couldn’t control it——I held myself up The wooden chair on the floor was smashed to the ground, hard.The wooden legs snapped and the chair surface broke.I threw all the books on the bookshelf to the ground and crushed them with my feet. The manuscript paper on the wooden table was shredded and stuffed into my mouth to chew.

I even wanted to take off my official uniform and jump directly into the sea of ​​blood, but unfortunately jumping into the sea of ​​blood cannot stop this anger—there is no end of life in hell, I will only be washed back to the beach of bones by the tide of the sea of ​​blood, After waking up again, all the anger repeated itself until there was nothing to smash in the office—in fact, there were still some, but I couldn’t lift the bluestone bench.

I looked at the mess all over the floor, my anger subsided silently, and a huge hole was exposed in my chest—my non-existent heart began to throb violently. I curled up on the ground and shed tears, but I didn’t know if it was sadness at this time ?
why?I was lying on my side on the ground, and in front of my eyes were the scratches on the wooden floor—the traces left by those previous guests—what kind of mood was it when I received them?I can't remember, I can't remember anything...

I can't remember anything.

I can obviously choose to deal with the succubus a few times and make a big fuss about the loopholes in the contract itself... Yes, I have such a choice, but I didn't choose to do that, why?Why?What kind of motivation did I choose to hand over all the emotions in my memory?
Is it because the emotional presence itself is too heavy?

I no longer have a physical body, and even said goodbye to myself at the nodes of my past life one by one, but the emotions are still there, and the memories that accompany the emotions are still there.Every time I think about it, even without a body, I can feel it with my skin.So why would I ditch those emotions?
A voice came from the heart: "The emotions you have are unique to human beings. You have lost your body, so you also want to give up the emotions that humans only have. You want to get rid of the relationship with human beings completely, and you can feel at ease from now on. Be your scribe from hell."

"But without these emotions, I don't seem to know how to do this job..." I replied to this inner voice.

"Don't you feel that emotions are hindering you from doing this job? Sometimes you feel that you are too vulnerable, too sensitive, and too easy to sympathize with each other. Aren't these all weaknesses that you want to avoid? In order to avoid these weaknesses, you give You built your own cold walls, you purposely lowered your voice to make yourself more serious. Now that you have no emotions, you have no weaknesses."

"No weakness? What is the weakness?"

"Easy points to attack."

"Is it easy to be attacked if you are full of emotions?"

"You have always thought this way...you also thought so when you were in the human world. You have been teased about your sentimentality. Even if you are a little bit confused, you will blame yourself for being too emotional. Write, you Isn't it always like this?"

I continued to cry, tears for no reason: "I hope I can be more stable... Emotionally stable. This way, when facing these guests, at least I won't be too biased..."

The voice of the inner voice softened a little: "Tell me, what do you think is stability?"

"The mind is not disturbed, the emotions are not disturbed."

"What kind of chaos is it?"

"I can't control myself, I can't control myself at all."

"So you're afraid of losing control?"

I paused, very reluctant to admit it: "Oh, yeah. I'm afraid of losing control."

"What happens if you lose control?"

"It's not a good feeling to feel unsafe when things go way beyond what was expected and it doesn't end there."

"Did you ever think about the decision made by the Dream Demon?"

"...It's true that I didn't expect the impact to be so great. I feel...a bit of a failure."

"Why do you feel like a failure?"

"I thought that if I threw away my emotions, I could stabilize myself. I thought that stabilizing myself meant constantly giving up and subtracting. The less oppressed emotions and memories on my body, the easier it would be for me...I used to think so of."

"Now? Are you relaxed?"

"I... this feeling is worse than death."

"It's worse than dying, what kind of feeling is it?"

"I don't know what I want, I don't know what I like, what I hate. Some memories are still there, but without emotions, I don't know what the meaning of their existence is... Yes, because I can't feel it Emotions, I don’t even know the meaning of what happened. Why I have to go through those things that used to be happy, happy, painful, and struggling for me... I don’t know all of it.”

"I don't know what will happen to these emotions?"

"If I don't know these emotions themselves, I don't know what my guests have experienced, what kind of pain and happiness they say... I don't know, and I don't know how to receive guests."

"What about yourself?"

"Maybe I want to use the loss to prove how precious something I once had... I must have a comparison to know... I don't even know who I am now. What I feel now is only my heart , is slowly withering. But I don’t know why it withered, maybe it shrank into a raisin in the end, I don’t even know why.”

"Do you want to talk to the succubus again?" Xin Sheng asked.

"What's the use of talking any further?"

"Maybe you can get back those emotions you lost. That contract itself is full of loopholes, you know it."

However, I hesitated and did not answer.

The voice of the heart then asked: "Since it is so painful, why do you hesitate?"

"The previous problems have not been resolved, and new problems have emerged. If you want to regain your lost emotions like this, don't you still return to the previous problems?"

"What was the problem before?"

"Sentimentality, fear of losing control..."

"Do you really think being sentimental is a problem?" The tone of the heart rose, "You don't believe in yourself that much?"

"Sometimes the sentimentality does bring a lot of confusion."

"Looking at it from another angle, it also brings a lot of benefits, doesn't it? Why do you have to find a mortal to do the post of writer in the world, which is obviously a post in the underworld? Any existence has its two sides, and you know this. The voice paused, as if thinking, "There is one more thing, even if you get back the lost emotion, you should not return to the previous problem."

"why?"

"Even if there is no time in hell, everything you do will be imprinted in your soul. Every thought, every thought, will be faithfully recorded in the depths of your soul—in other words, every Every person has a pen in his body, recording every moment."

"That is to say, even if I get back my emotions, the pain of my withering heart will not be forgotten."

"As long as you don't hand over all the emotions in your memory, you won't forget. As long as you understand what is happening in each moment of your experience, everything will have meaning. Meaning comes from events, people , of course it also comes from the emotions themselves that are closely related to those people and events. Don't look down on the existence of emotions!"

"But I see other hell officials, all of them have facial paralysis... Do they also have emotions?"

"Others look at you with facial paralysis."

"……All right."

"How? You think about it yourself."

I looked down at the hole in my chest, which went right through the spirit body.

"Okay, let's go. Bring back the lost things." I said to the voice of my heart.

(End of this chapter)