The Spirit World

Chapter 558: Never Been
I……

My thoughts...

Very confusing...

There are even signs that I am about to die.

I thought, maybe I can't do anything at all, or even if I do do something, it won't last long and will make me exhausted.

Of course I know that nothing is eternal in this world. Even the justice they talk about is illusory, not to mention the incomprehensible and flawed life principles they put forward...

I don't want to say that everyone in the world is pursuing profit, but in fact, this sentence hits my heart mercilessly.

Maybe it's because the remaining memories of reincarnation and the shadow of the hunt have reduced my memory, so that now I can't even think normally. No... it's me... I always think about what they want to get, and then what I will do... to make them get something, or lose something.

This makes me sad.

Because, my life... has no regrets...

I don't know what's the use of having too much money… I live with my adoptive parents and have never pursued money since I was a child. I don't lack anything, and I don't care about others' showing off. I don't seek fine clothes and delicious food, nor do I seek glory and wealth.

I thought, I have hands and feet, I shouldn't starve to death. I don't know what the disadvantages are of eating simple food. Most people have gone through the same thing. I don't feel superior to them.

I don’t know what’s the point of having too much power… I don’t need to do anything earth-shattering, and I’ve never thought about doing anything earth-shattering. Of course, I’m not completely without ambition, but it seems that what I want is too little…

I want……

I actually don't have anything I want...

Thinking about my approaching old age, coming naked and dying naked, I feel sad for no reason... But I don't think I will die for no reason, I will always live...

As long as I am alive, I am in this body. If the body needs to eat three meals a day, I have to worry about running around for three meals a day. As long as I am alive, I am in this body. I want to have the emotional ties of others. I am afraid that I will live alone... Most people are afraid that they will live alone, grow old, die, and be alone from beginning to end.

I envy those who have the courage to be alone all their lives, keep themselves clean, fight for one thing all their lives, and do it every day for decades, but if I really have to do it... I think... I will just retreat in fear...

Since I have no desires and no regrets in my life, then why am I not living with infinite desires and full of regrets?

Actually, I want everything...

I want... someone who can accompany me through life... I want to laugh heartily with this person in the days of plenty and no hardship. I don't want her to cry, I don't want her to shed tears for me. I want to grow old with her...

I want to spend this life with her...

But I didn't do it... But the person I wanted to be with hasn't come to me yet, and I have no way to give him a life of luxury. Maybe she doesn't care, maybe she doesn't want so much, maybe her heart is like a flame and she doesn't despise me, who actually has nothing.

I want...money...because I can't live without it...

I want...power...because power can give me more...

I want... women... because women can make me linger...

Forget my ugliness...forget my selfishness...

Forget me... the trembling desire...

I think everyone has desires... the desire to be successful is...

No one would refuse to rise to prominence without a reason...

But everyone wants to be successful...

Then only some people can rise to prominence...

You should probably spend your childhood carefree so that you can have an enviable youth.

But being carefree is always accompanied by the punishment of laziness. When others are already running to the finish line, you can only look up at the sky without any worries...

In my heart, I hope that people in this world will not indulge in desires...

I have never seen anyone's money not made with blood and sweat, and I have never doubted that anyone's money is made with the blood and sweat of others.

I guess I don’t have any regrets…

However, I would rather suppress my desires... because the outburst of desires will inevitably be accompanied by... ruthless human crushing.

Either for fame or for profit.

It's either you or me.

When only the first place in a small competition is qualified to win, everyone else is an unwarranted loser.

Either you lose or I lose.

This world is not just about zero-sum games, but as long as you are between heaven and earth... it is impossible to escape from the secular world.

Maybe I should become a monk.

I should go to the Empire, I should go to Bailing Mountain...

No, I cannot go to Bailing Mountain... In the empire, they call themselves immortals, but in reality they control wealth everywhere. The mountain gate of immortals is also between the mortal world. How can the great destiny be born from gold and silver?
As for food, clothing and daily necessities, they also need to catch and eat the rare and precious things in the mountains, such as those in the water that replenish energy and those in the sky that nourish the spirit. However, if these rare and precious things in the mountains and wilds were to disappear, not to mention becoming an immortal, even living a long life would be a cause for concern.

How can it be Tao?

I want to search and walk around in this world... and then end my life...

I can't become a monk... I can't become a Taoist priest, and I can't get out of the muddy world. I live...

Just want some peace of mind...

But my heart is never at ease... Don't say that I am too kind and keep trivial matters in my heart for a long time.

In fact, I felt guilty...

I hate myself for being that kind of person. I hate myself for not being powerless... I hate myself... The soul cannot redeem the past...

I actually...

what……

My memory is confused again...

I feel like I can't handle my own feelings at all...

I want and I don’t want…

I'm sinking into it...

I can't imagine what kind of person I would be...

Maybe it doesn’t matter what kind of person I am. I am what I am in the eyes of others…

No matter if I am good or bad, I have already lived in this world... Good or bad, that's what they say...

I can change...

But it can never change...

Can I do that?

Can I…rediscover myself?
Am I really a kind person?

Am I really a selfish person?

I don't know, I'm sorry, I don't know... I'm really sorry, I don't know...

I can't tell the difference...

I can’t understand…

I can't forgive...

Myself……

[Ding-ling-ling～]

[Ding-ling-ling～]

[Ding-ling-ling～]

It's my cell phone ringing...

This voice is like a ghost urging me to get out of bed...

I got up and wiped my eyes, but the tears that I hadn’t wiped away…couldn’t stop flowing down…

I am in pain...painful, like a puppet without a heart.

But I have to get up and go to school...

I have taken three months off… I guess they don’t mind thinking it’s a privilege for me to take three months off… because my father is the big director of the family company…

After washing up, I looked at the dead face in the mirror, with dead fish eyes, crooked neck, messy hair, and dirty stubble.

This doesn't look like a student...

But I have to go to school...because I am still a student...

They still wanted me to complete my studies—my father whom I hadn’t seen for nineteen or eighteen years, my teacher Tang Zhaozhao, and my principal Tan Mingqiu.

But I don’t want to take care of myself anymore…

Just let me die like this...

I spit out the mouthwash, put on my shoulder bag, and stopped carrying it. I held it in my hand, lowered my head, and pressed the elevator button for my floor...

The elevator goes to the eighteenth floor.

This unlucky number...accompanied by the unlucky me...haha, what a perfect match.

[Ding-ling-ling…]

[Ding-ling-ling…]

That damn bell rang again...

I threw the cell phone into my schoolbag and smashed the schoolbag on the ground. The sound stopped. I picked up the schoolbag like a dog, lowered my head, and didn't want to look up.

I can't ride a bike... because I always think that if an unlucky person hits me, I will die...

I walk unsteadily on the street. Others are lazy, but I am too lazy to walk anymore... My legs and feet are like amputated... I have what I should have... I have nothing, and nothing is gone...

I still know the way...

The school guard looked at me and stopped me with disgust... I didn't have my student ID with me, my schoolbag was empty, and I kept my mouth shut.

I just didn't say anything. No matter how many times they asked, I didn't know...they also didn't know who I was...

A security guard thought I looked familiar and asked if I was Teacher Tang’s student... I shook my head... and nodded...

I am no longer lazy, but like mud... I don't want to stand anymore... I am like a boneless maggot... I can only lie on the ground... no matter where the ground is.

The guard saw that I looked more and more familiar, shook his head, and let me pass. I fell to the ground, got up, and crawled as if I was dragging my feet...

Everyone around me laughs at me... I laugh at myself too...

I turned over, lay on the ground, and laughed.

I laughed so hard that I coughed violently, my voice became hoarse, and everyone around me thought I was crazy...

Maybe I am a psychopath now or in the future...

I returned to the classroom and returned to my seat.

Because a petite girl recognized me... She screamed in surprise and ran over to help me up. When I saw it was her, I was still laughing... and laughing even crazier...

I think... there is no one in this world who doesn't know that I am a waste... Great... I am... a complete waste...

The petite girl's name is Ruirui...

She has a fruit stand at home...she always sends us fruit...

I felt like it was a long time ago, but it was only three months ago… I was in more pain… and I started crying again…

Ruirui was startled and hurried to help me wipe my tears.

I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't push her. I just avoided her, staggered to my feet, and cried again, staggering to the classroom...

I saw their strange, ghost-like eyes, looking at me, looking at this monster...

I'm a freak... I was born a freak...

I wasn't born a freak, so how could my parents abandon me?
I cried in my seat, I forgot that this was no longer my seat... I cried against the wall... but I didn't know why I smiled...

I laugh, I'm a freak.

I'm so ridiculous...

Am I not ridiculous?
"Chang Yufeng... cheer up!"

Someone pointed at my nose and scolded me. She dragged my desk out from the wall next to it, set it up neatly for me, picked up a stool and pulled me to my seat.

She seemed very angry and anxious...

I don't know why she was anxious, I wasn't anxious either.

Everybody is laughing at me.

Watching the joke between us. She could have stayed out of it...

"Now that you're at school, you better be more alert!" She grabbed my head, lifted the hair in front of my forehead with her slender claws, and leaned back.

I didn't talk to her... I was too lazy to talk to her, I stared at her, I didn't say anything. I wanted to lie on the table, she grabbed my hair and made me look into her eyes...

"The dead cannot be resurrected! Cheer up, old lady! Do you hear me?"

She almost yelled at me, making my ears ring for a while. I hated her and shook her hand away for no reason. I didn't want to talk...

I haven't spoken to anyone for three months...

I hated her, so I suddenly leaned forward on the table and hit my head.

"Listen to me! Since you have chosen to come back to study hard, you should study with all your heart! Don't be sad all day long! Do you hear me?"

She is Xu Wenwen, always calling her "old lady, old lady" and "old lady, old lady" all day long. Who does she think she is? Is being a squad leader a big deal? Can she take care of so many things?
I jumped up, stood up, and looked down at her.

I looked at her viciously, like a lunatic.

I think so much... I am a psychopath...

There was no fear in her eyes. Perhaps the look of a psychopath could not scare her, so she glared at him fiercely. Everyone was looking at us...

She could have just not accompanied me and been seen as a psychopath by others.

Although I was scared, I leaned on the chair like a pile of mud that could not be helped up, shaking my feet, looking at the cracks in the ceiling.

I seemed to see her shaking her head, looking at the stunned classmates around her, and telling them to sit down and stop bothering me.

I saw Ruirui standing at the door, looking at me fearfully.

Perhaps I saw the morning light shining on her petite school uniform, and then I saw the tears in the corners of her eyes.

I let out a deep breath, put my feet down, and took out a book from under the table. I don't know why Ruirui felt relieved...

Even though he was acting like a psycho just now...

I'm just pretending...

I am decadent...

I fell...

I don't even care what you think...

I am……

A bastard...

I can't protect...her...

I saw her name in that book...

I went crazy. I looked at the name in the book madly, turning the pages, turning the pages, but her name was everywhere.

I'm going crazy!
I'm going crazy!
I'm crazy!
I scream!
I finally,
I could only curl up and cry.

When did I write her name so many times?

Do I like her very much?

I am an incompetent person...

What a pathetic person I am!
Am I...

Love her very much?
(End of this chapter)