I made a dime from selling tangerines and you call me heartless?

My name is Jiang Bin.

Born in a remote rural area.

I have nothing but bare walls and am from a poor family. I think this is a true portrayal of me.

When I was a child, my family didn’t have a TV. In our entire village, only the village chief’s house had a black and white TV.

At night, all the kids in our village would gather at his house to watch TV and cartoons.

That was my only chance to absorb the outside world.

To the point that I think all the ads are so beautiful.

I feel like a bird trapped in a cage. I want to fly out of the mountain, but I can't leave. I can only look up day after day.

Later, my parents gritted their teeth and scraped together some money to send me to a school in the city.

They said that the good education in the city would help me have a bright future.

In the future I will be able to work in an office, make a lot of money and support them.

I stepped into the city school with great anticipation, thinking to myself that I could finally see the outside world.

But the reality was like a basin of cold water, poured heavily on my head.

My classmates in the city wore brand-name clothes that I had never seen before, had beautiful sneakers on their feet, and talked about all the celebrities and players.

And I was wearing an old autumn coat that had been washed so much that it looked white, and a pair of worn-out work shoes.

I sat in a beautiful classroom.

They don't fit in.

Like people from two worlds.

I just couldn't fit in.

Their backpacks are the most popular crossbody bags nowadays.

It's slanted on the shoulder, just like the stars in TV dramas.

My schoolbag was sewn by my mother using old cloth. The stitches were crooked, like an ugly centipede crawling on it.

I hate this kind of backpack.

The messy stitches were like my self-esteem, which was sewn over and over again.

Even the way they looked at me seemed extremely sarcastic to me.

I could only endure it silently, like a snail shrinking in its shell, hiding myself deeper and deeper.

But I was unwilling to accept it.

Why? Why is my family so poor?

Why can't I be like them, wearing designer clothes, living in a big house, and leading a glamorous life?
Every night, I lay on the hard bed in the dormitory, listening to my roommates discussing the latest games and basketball stars. I wanted to join in, but I understood nothing and knew nothing.

I closed my eyes, and all I could think of was their laughter and those glaring paintings.

Their designer clothes, their big house.

I began to hate.

I hate my parents. I hate why they are so poor. I hate why they gave birth to me in this poor mountain village.

I hate those classmates. I hate why they can live so well while I can only hide in the corner like a mouse.

Hate this world, hate why it is so unfair.

What's the use of being hateful?
I am still a bird trapped in a cage, and can only look up at the sky that does not belong to me day after day.

until one day.

In the school cafeteria.

I saw my classmates throwing a lot of unfinished food into the trash can with disgust on their faces.

Then he looked down at the white rice and some pickled mustard in his bowl.

At that moment, I couldn't bear it anymore.

I clenched my fists and dug my nails deep into my palms, but I didn't feel any pain.

I swore in my heart that one day, I would make them all regret it.

I want to let them know that I, Jiang Bin, am not an ant that can be trampled on at will.

From that day on, I changed.

I started studying like crazy.

I know that only by reading can I change my destiny.

Only by getting into college can I leave here and leave these people and things that make me miserable.

I started getting up early and running to the classroom to recite before dawn.

At night, after the lights in the dormitory were turned off, I hid in my bed, shone a flashlight on my textbook, and did the exercises over and over again.

but……

but……

but……

Ahhh.

I don't seem to be good at studying.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do anything. My grades remained stagnant and I was still among the last few in the class.

I seem to...

There's no way out of this cage.

……

2010 October.

Hot summer.

The day when the college entrance examination results are released.

I was very nervous, and my grandpa, parents were all very nervous.

My parents, who were working in another city, called home one after another, asking me over and over again if my test results were out.

But until the evening.

The school teacher called me to inform me.

I actually performed exceptionally well and was admitted to university.

Although it is just an ordinary college, it is at least a university.

I became the third college student in our village.

I jumped for joy.

I told my parents the news and they were very happy. I could feel them cheering through the phone.

Saying loudly that all these years of hard work have not been in vain.

They came back with money the next day and asked my grandfather to take me to buy new clothes.

But my grandfather just took me to town to buy clothes.

The town's streets are narrow and crowded, lined with all kinds of stalls.

In the shabby old stall, clothes were piled up like a mountain, colorful and disorganized.

There were also some clothes hanging on the wall, swaying gently in the wind.

Most of those clothes were cheap stuff, with rough fabrics and old styles, and some even had a pungent chemical smell, which made me very disgusted.

I hate this kind of life.

Hate to wear these clothes.

I stood in front of the stall, feeling annoyed.

Grandpa squatted down and looked through the clothes carefully, picking up one from time to time to try it on me.

"This one is nice. The color is bright."

Grandpa said with a smile, the wrinkles on his face squeezed together, making him look particularly kind.

"Grandpa, I don't want these clothes."

"What's wrong with these clothes? They're cheap and sturdy, so nice to wear."

Grandpa was still smiling, as if he didn't notice my emotions.

"I do not want!"

I raised my voice, attracting the attention of several stall owners around me.

“I’m going to the city to buy brand-name products!”

"Famous brand? How much does that cost..."

Grandpa's smile froze, and there was a hint of hesitation in his voice.

"I don't care! I got into college, I'm a college student now, I can't wear this kind of cheap stuff anymore!"

I almost shouted out, holding back my anger.

"My classmates would laugh at me if I wore these to school."

This was the first time I had an argument with my grandfather.

Finally, grandpa was stunned, and a trace of helplessness flashed in his turbid eyes.

Maybe he was really persuaded by me.

He nodded,

"Ok."

"Let's go to town."

"No, we'll go tomorrow. I'm going to go back tonight to take a shower and change clothes before going."

I said.

Grandpa didn't say anything else.

I silently put the clothes back on the stall, turned around and walked home.

His back was a little hunched and his steps were much slower than when he came.

I stood there, looking at his back, and a sense of guilt suddenly welled up in my heart, but it was quickly suppressed by the feeling of unwillingness.

If others can wear it, why can't I?

...(End of chapter)