Am I really hallucinating?

Chapter 130 Weeping Strings
"If it's a provocation, it's a bit too low." Doris opened her eyes.

"We are serious. Of course, it would be great if we could stimulate you. Thanks to Tao Zhi, we can get a lot of information that we don't usually have access to. It won't be difficult to escape from the monastery and the town." Mora has also recovered and helped up his companion next to him.

“Although we seeds can survive in the dark world outside, we are also as conspicuous as small lighthouses. If we wander aimlessly without any preparation for the future, we will only end up buried in the wilderness,” Doris said coldly.

"So we may not escape to the dark world. The best target is Dadu." Tao Zhi suggested.

Doris was stunned.

Zheng Fan leaned close to her ear and said, "There is a flying machine under the lighthouse. I saw it when I was wandering around before. It should be a special one."

After saying this, he quietly stepped aside and continued watching.

Doris' pupils dilated and then shrank: "Is that so... I wish you success."

After saying that, she turned around and left without any reluctance.

The people behind her watched her figure slowly disappear into the woods, and they didn't know what to say.

They had entered the convent in the same batch, and Doris had shown great performance from the beginning, but they were all still gentle characters.

But after a selection many years ago, Doris's smile, which was rare to begin with, completely disappeared.

And he became the "killer god" that no one wanted to encounter in every selection.

She began to separate herself from the group and became the transcendent one.

Even though she didn't kill many, every time she showed up, she would take away the people who ranked high in the selection except herself. There were also some people who gathered to surround and kill her.

From everyone's impression, it is not difficult to feel that Doris has surpassed the level of this monastery.

It wasn't that there hadn't been lamplighters who had walked out of the monastery long ago, and the children with good memories all remembered it. But even the last lamplighter who had walked out of the monastery, they didn't think he was Doris's opponent in terms of force.

At this point, why did Doris still stay in the monastery?

……

After walking aimlessly for a while, Doris finally seemed to have made some kind of plan and turned back to the monastery. In the monastery's church, she found the nun who was meditating.

"Dear Doris, why are you here?" the old nun asked with her eyes closed.

"Sister Granny..." Doris looked at the other party with a normal expression.

"Knowing that this is the last selection, even you are a little nervous?" The old nun opened her eyes and looked at her kindly.

"Yeah." Doris replied softly.

"Seven years. You have been here for seven years. When you first came, you were only this tall." The old nun gestured with a smile.

Doris sat down on the bench next to the old nun and looked straight ahead.

"After so many years, I am more and more satisfied with you. Watching you grow every day feels like a reward to myself, like a dream."

"Why is mother-in-law so obsessed with the perfect lamplighter?" Doris suddenly asked.

"Well... I don't think I've ever told you, Doris." The old nun seemed lost in thought. After a pause, she said, "Because I have a child, and she's as cute as you."

Doris glanced at her slightly.

"She is a natural seed of light." The old nun said shockingly, and Doris subconsciously widened her eyes.

The old nun continued, "My mother-in-law was originally just a researcher at Dadu. I love Dadu deeply, and my children also learn from me, so she accepted her fate and was led to participate in Dadu's deep transformation of the Seed of Light."

"Like us?" Doris asked.

The old nun immediately shook her head: "Not quite the same. The natural light seed skips a lot of unnecessary growth in the middle, but it still needs to be cultivated to maximize the effect of the light seed. This is a very difficult thing. How the light seed should grow as a lamp bearer has troubled Dadu for a long time."

"Using the training method of a dead soldier, losing emotions, they may not be shaken by the infinite world, but it will make the seeds of light dim. But if we let it go, when we stick to the boundaries, how many people can stand firm in front of those phantoms for a lifetime and never waver?"

“……” Doris remained silent.

"In the mainstream method, whether it is for your acquired light seeds or natural light seeds like my children, the route of restraint is adopted. Although this will greatly reduce the value of the light seeds, it is the safest." The old nun sighed, "I have no intention of blaming them. Before I took charge of the monastery, I also handled many mainstream seeds. This makes sense."

"Why did my mother-in-law choose to change?" Doris asked.

"Because my child fell down." The old nun calmed down and said this without showing any emotion. "She burned out as a seed of light before Christmas of a certain year. Because of work, we were separated by two places, and it would have been a long-awaited reunion for her and me. But I didn't get to see her again, not even her body. The burned-out seed of light was used as a light source to fill a lighthouse, and it continues to watch over one side... I should feel relieved for her."

Even so, the old nun's hands still slowly clenched.

“Will I be like this in the future?”

"Yes." The old nun said, "But that time will be very long, much longer than my child, longer than the Seed of Light."

"That's why I won this monastery." She said firmly, even proudly, "The world is unbalanced, even distorted, and for this reason, you also need to deviate from the norm. You who have this talent should be treated with kindness and care rather than mechanically domesticated. When the seeds mature, your minds will also be opened."

"You will taste love, but you will also experience the horror of life and death, reality and illusion. These are the polishing of your hard work. 'Forging' a perfect body to seal your unbalanced heart wrapped in love. The seeds of light are spotless and thrive, while people's hearts are mixed with all kinds of emotions but are strict with self-control... This can make you persist for a long time, even longer than the natural seeds of light."

Doris said nothing.

The old nun looked at her and slowed down her excited tone again: "But this will also be painful." Doris nodded.

The old nun said with satisfaction: "But this pain can keep you from losing yourself. Doris, you are my most satisfying work so far. You may think that everything hidden in your heart is very hidden, but I know it all. You may still hate me because I led you into the black well when you tried to embrace freedom during the selection that day."

Doris' pupils trembled, but she did not move any further.

"That was the path you chose, but I don't deny that it guided you. And I don't regret it, because your performance so far has made me extremely satisfied. Even if I bring this up again, you will be upset, but you won't act on impulse."

"Thoughts and actions are disconnected. No matter how your thoughts fluctuate, your body is always on the right path. The light seed that grows in this process has left this mark on you. It's like a shackle you impose on yourself, but it also protects you from being eroded. Your gentleness, as love, restricts yourself."

The old nun sighed and said, "In that case, perhaps I should thank Rania. Her influence on you is the foundation of all this."

It was Rania who had led Doris to join the group of children who played at night and vented their daytime depression.

Also a number one seed many years ago.

“It’s a pity that her body cannot limit her love. So even if she does her best in everything, she will only be ranked at the lowest level in the evaluation of the Seed of Light. Facing real terror, it is easy for her to make wrong moves and eventually be corroded, and this is indeed the case.” The old nun sighed.

"So she became your nourishment."

Doris's breathing had become very heavy, but she really didn't move.

The old nun stood up and walked slowly to the front. "I know a lot about your thoughts, including your protection of many children. When you are offended, you will also show your violent 'fangs'. Under my guidance, you always kill the defective products that are too eye-catching in the selection room. Yes, the paradoxical imbalance and distortion are what I hope for. You always satisfy me in the details, Doris."

Doris closed her eyes, adjusted her breathing, and when she opened them again, she was completely calm again.

It seemed as if everything I just heard was just wind in my ears.

She said softly: "Well, Sister Granny, I hope..."

"Do you want to use your upcoming final ascension in exchange for some other kids leaving here?"

The old nun's hoarse voice revealed her thoughts.

The balance that Doris had just restored was easily broken again.

"Okay." However, the old nun unexpectedly agreed.

"This is also good. A reasonable transaction can make your love more stable in the end. Let those children leave with your love, which is also beneficial to your final growth."

Although the words were not so nice to hear, the nun did agree.

This finally allowed Doris to breathe a sigh of relief.

But then I heard the old nun say casually, "After you, I will continue to train you. You will prove me right, and the convent will be freed from neglect. I can continue this job."

"There's a very good boy. I remember his name was Nim? He looks very familiar to me. He looks like you, or maybe more like Rania. I just don't know if he will become you in the end, or just the next 'Rania'?"

After saying this, the nun slowly left the church through the side door.

Doris sat sluggishly in the empty church pew.

My nose felt sore and my eyes felt heavy, as if something was accumulating.

My vision was blurry, but the tears refused to fall.

She didn't know how she got back to the room. She moved in a hurry and her hands were shaking as she tried to put a record into the phonograph, but she didn't hold it firmly and it fell.

A hand reached out and gently caught the record.

"What do you want to hear?" Zheng Fan asked casually.

"I don't want to hear anything..."

"That's it."

Doris sat back on the bed stiffly, like a puppet being manipulated.

Suddenly, the sound of a violin was heard.

There was no record in the phonograph, but it played a melodious tune.

Familiar melody, isn't this the song she likes to play every night? It is a song she composed for herself, even though she doesn't know what she is playing most of the time, she just wants to play it for herself.

And at this moment, listening to this song for the first time, not played by herself, the flowing music and beating notes bypassed her heart and danced in her mind.

Listening to the string sonata, after the elegance of the first part, the melody begins to "get out of control".

Dancing and dancing...warm tears dripped from my eyes.

She burst into tears.

"Woo..."

(End of this chapter)