Jinting Han people

Chapter 37 Mother's Expectations (4k)

Zhang Ximiao was already exhausted when she said this. She had been recounting the past non-stop since she woke up, and it had been more than two hours now. The sky had darkened, and the purple-black sky was like an airtight dome, covering all mortals and pressing Liu Xian beside her so hard that he couldn't breathe.

A few lines in a history book, a few strokes of ink, readers can casually flip through, revealing the deaths of tens of thousands. But for those who experienced it firsthand, the pain and bloodshed contained within are so immense that even the oceans and lakes of water could never fully express them. Even though his mother's recollections were brief and downplayed as much as possible, Liu Xian could still sense from her tone that for her, this period of history had frozen her life in that moment, the millions of souls who perished that day surrounding her, gripping her heart.

Is it the same for Duke Anle? Liu Xian thought about it, his father's red eyes floating in his mind, and the anger in his heart unconsciously dissipated. But no matter how much he thought about it, he still couldn't forgive him.

Liu Xian got up, found a candle, and lit it. The flames filled the room, shadows swaying in the breeze, and the birdsong outside the window paused for a moment. Then Ah Chun brought a bowl of steaming mutton soup, which finally dispelled some of the chill. Liu Xian filled a bowl and fed it to his mother spoonful by spoonful. Unfortunately, Zhang Ximiao had a poor appetite, and after barely drinking half a bowl, she was already at her limit. It was clear that her condition hadn't improved.

After dinner, Liu Xian wanted his mother to go to bed early, but Zhang Ximiao wanted Liu Xian to stay and summarize today's topic.

She said, "Now I can answer many of your questions, right?"

"Your father was the sixth child of his generation, and not a legitimate son. Logically, he would never have inherited the title of Duke Anle. However, your grandfather, mindful of this incident, felt guilty about your father and missed your uncle, so he insisted on passing the title to your father. Because of this incident, your uncles not only stopped fighting for the title, but also generally gave your father some leeway."

So that's how it was. Liu Xian really didn't understand how Liu Xun, with his performance and status, could have won his grandfather's favor. He didn't expect to find an explanation here. But this was just one of the unimportant questions. He still had some questions to ask:
"But has your Excellency reached the General's former subordinates?"

"Although I didn't ask, from what I understand, they probably didn't make it."

"Teacher said that General Jiang Wei died in the chaos of war in Chengdu and never left the city?"

"That's right. He and his former subordinates, including Zhang Yi, were all killed that night. The general's chest was even cut open by the Wei army to test his courage."

"What about the Han army outside the city? The general has over 50,000 men under his command. Adding the original Chengdu garrison, there must be 60,000 to 70,000 men. Were they also killed by the Wei army? Or did they surrender?"

This was clearly a cruel outcome. Zhang Ximiao slowly replied, "Of course, they couldn't have killed them all. In fact, some of the general's former subordinates escaped the city that night, leading most of the soldiers across Changsheng Bridge at night and fleeing northwest."

"But this was only a temporary solution. Without the imperial court, there was no backup. Most of the troops in Shu were Wei troops. It was said that they fought and fled along the way, and soon more than half of their men were killed. By the time we were moved to Luoyang, there were reportedly less than 20,000 left. Two years later, there was no news at all."

This was a fitting end, without surprise or miracle; Jiang Wei's last spark of hope was extinguished. Liu Xian then thought of the swordsman he had met in his childhood. He'd claimed to be an acquaintance of Duke Anle, only to be tragically killed in front of his father's door. This had only intensified his father's temper. Who was he? And what was his relationship to his father? The arresting officer claimed he was Zhuge Zhan. Was that true? Liu Xian asked his mother this question.

The answer was soon revealed. Xi Miao sighed and replied, "Wang Fu was your uncle's bodyguard in his early years. He was transferred from your uncle's side when your father was about ten years old. He has been protecting your father's safety ever since. The two of them treated each other like brothers. When your father went to the appointment with your uncle, he brought several guards, including Wang Fu. But he didn't return with your father, and I thought he had died long ago."

"But a few years later, I heard news that he had found the last remnants of the Han army and falsely claimed that Zhuge Zhan had started a rebellion. But after a year, it was quickly suppressed. It's just that the current court has never caught him. I didn't expect that he would eventually find Luoyang..."

"What is he here for?" Liu Xian asked.

Zhang Ximiao shook his head and said, "I don't know. Perhaps he's desperate and hopes for your father's protection... But the truth is, we can barely take care of ourselves, so how can we protect him?"

So that's how it is, all the mysteries are solved: the father is a poor man who longs to restore his country but cannot, and can only deceive himself and constantly destroy himself, but he also destroys his lover and children around him; the grandfather is a tyrant who is incapable of doing important things, favors flatterers, and hinders virtuous ministers; the teacher is a man who feels guilty and also sells out his conscience and past in exchange for advancement in his career.

Compared with our great-grandfather Emperor Zhaolie and General Jiang Wei, we are indeed just mortals.

But everyone has a legendary story: his father tried to carry all the fate on his shoulders on that rainy night; his grandfather worked together with Xian Xiang to create a beautiful story; his teacher also fought in Jiang Wei's army; and there were those, including Wang Fu, whose names and appearances he could not remember, but who still gave their all to the country.

But the cruelty of this world lies in the fact that, for me now, those legendary moments are over, a memory. All I can feel is the desolation of real life, which continues to crumble. My mother wants me to forgive my father and understand him, but how can I continue to tolerate my father's derangement? My mother herself cannot do that.

But no matter what, this was Liu Xian's own business. This long story had finally come to an end, and at least at this moment, Liu Xian had to meet Zhang Ximiao's request. So he took the initiative to ask Zhang Ximiao, "Mother, besides this marriage, what do you hope I can do in the future?"

"Biji, I told you right from the start!" Zhang Ximiao reached out and stroked his face, saying with a smile, "My winter has come, but you're still in spring. Now I'm going to leave you some seeds."

"I have no other requests of you. I only hope that you will never give up any opportunity to be happy. You must thrive and grow regardless of the consequences. You are a sapling now, and I hope you can become a towering tree. You must bring back the happiness I lost, the happiness your father lost, and the happiness of your unborn brothers and sisters."

"Perhaps one's life is not controlled by oneself. No matter how hard one tries, it will all be in vain, just like the general. But at least I hope you will try hard and not waste your time."

His mother's request was so simple, but life is complex, and the simpler the request, the harder it is to fulfill. Liu Xian now understood this truth, but he also felt his mother's attachment to the world and her love for him. When his mother said these words, he even felt that part of her soul was already entwined with him. He understood the burden his mother was talking about. Now he felt that if he didn't do or say something, he would collapse. Only when he stood up straight could he be a real person.

Liu Xian held Zhang Ximiao's hand tightly and promised his mother word for word, "Mom, I will do my best to become a towering tree."

Zhang Ximiao looked at his solemn eyes and felt a little dazed for a moment. She seemed to have entered the samadhi state before giving birth again. She heard someone talking to her and said that he would help her realize her wish: "Madam."

"exist."

"Your wish will come true."

"Ah."

Over the next ten days, Zhang Ximiao's condition deteriorated rapidly, just as the doctors had predicted. If her face had been pale upon waking, later on, a deathly dark blue hue gradually crept beneath her skin. Her eyes grew darker, and she struggled to speak, needing to pause after each sentence. At first, she was reluctant to let Liu Xian in to see her, but he stubbornly barged in, fulfilling his final act of filial piety for his mother.

To accommodate his mother's concerns, Liu Xian drew the curtains, dimming the room. Because Zhang Ximiao's words were distressing, Liu Xian stopped her from speaking, and the two of them stood in silence in the gloom. Outside, the snow had completely melted, and the chirping of sparrows and orioles filled the air.

Zhang Ximiao asked Liu Xian, "Hasn't your father been found yet?"

Liu Xian replied, "I've searched everywhere, and I've heard that someone saw him, but there are so many brothels in Luoyang, and every time I follow the rumors, he's already moved."

In fact, he didn't look for him at all. He wished Liu Xun would die outside.

"No need to look for him." Zhang Ximiao shook his head heavily and said slowly, "He just doesn't dare to see me. When I die, he will naturally come back."

After a while, Zhang Ximiao asked again, "Mr. Ruan said he would arrange the betrothal for you. Is that done?"

Liu Xian said, "It was all done yesterday. Sheep, geese, cattle, wine, millet, sorghum, rice, flour, and other supplies have already been sent over. My teacher was worried that the Duke of Juancheng would change his mind after hearing about our incident, but fortunately, he still holds his original opinion. He originally wanted to wait until I reached the age of four after the coming of age ceremony before getting married, and said that even if I observed three years of mourning, it wouldn't affect anything."

This topic was too sensitive, so neither mother nor son continued. After a while, the warblers outside the door stopped singing, and Zhang Ximiao suddenly said, "I think I smell the fragrance of flowers."

Liu Xian said, "Maybe the peach blossoms in the garden are blooming."

Zhang Ximiao laughed and said, "I really want to see it!" But then he immediately stopped him and said, "No, I can't get up in this state."

After a long pause, Zhang Ximiao said, "I really want to go back home!" She was thinking about her memories of Chengdu, but Liu Xian couldn't imagine it. He had only heard his mother describe it: Chengdu has long summers and short winters, a mild climate, no scorching summers, little frost and snow in winter, surrounded by mountains and emerald green rivers, like a paradise. Although Luoyang was the capital of the Han and Wei dynasties, its winters were much longer and harsher, and the Yellow River froze over yearly, which really made Ximiao feel uncomfortable.

Liu Xian had no other way to comfort his mother, so he had to add more charcoal to the brazier, hoping to make the temperature in the room higher and dispel the coldness of his mother.

Zhang Ximiao sighed and said slowly, "It's no use." She added, "They say life is only a few decades long, but how many people can live to be fifty? My eldest aunt, queen, lived only to be thirty, and I've lived for over thirty years, enjoying wealth and glory. I'm already blessed by the Bodhisattva."

Liu Xian knew his mother was seriously ill, but hearing this still left a pang of sadness in his heart. He saw Xi Miao pointing to the back of the pillow, where something seemed to be placed. He reached for it and pulled out a small green brocade pouch. Untying the golden silk thread, he found a talisman paper and a piece of jade carved into the shape of a Buddha.

Liu Xian looked at his mother. Zhang Ximiao said, "This is a treasure your aunt and I asked for for you when you were born. The talisman paper was drawn by Zhang Tianshi himself, and the Buddha jade was carved by a monk from the White Horse Temple. You didn't like wearing it when you were a child and often dropped it, but I still kept it as a souvenir."

The mother and son were silent for a long time again, during which Zhang Ximiao fell asleep for a while. When she woke up, she felt much better. Seeing that Liu Xian was still lost in thought, she called him back: "Biji, if you can ever go to Chengdu, remember to go to the western suburbs and see if the manor your father and I used to have is still there. I buried three jars of wine under the largest mulberry tree. Perhaps it's still there."

"Chengdu? Great!" Liu Xian secretly made up his mind. He was determined that one day in the future, he would find a way to reach Chengdu.

In the evening, Zhang Ximiao felt a slight appetite and ate some porridge. The next morning, the sky was clear and blue, with sunlight streaming through the gaps in the curtains. Ximiao was delighted and wanted to go out to the courtyard. Liu Xian supported her and they actually walked to the door. She stopped, leaned against the door frame, and looked out into the yard, panting. She had wanted to go out a little further, but had to give up.

Over the next few days, Xi Miao gradually became drowsy. One afternoon, she suddenly woke up and saw Liu Xian sitting next to her. She asked him, "Are the loquat flowers blooming?" Liu Xian didn't know how to answer because there were no loquat flowers in the yard. She then sighed and whispered, "I smell the fragrance of loquat flowers."

From that point on, Zhang Ximiao was completely unable to eat or drink, and she finally passed away five days later. At the time of her death, her cheekbones were sunken, and her body was emaciated. In accordance with her wishes, they didn't invite many guests, but only invited a famous monk from the White Horse Temple to pray for her and seek blessings.

The day before Zhang Ximiao's burial, Liu Xian stayed vigil in the mourning hall all night. Finally unable to hold back his tears, he sobbed in the lonely night. He silently told himself that this was the last time he would cry, and that, as promised with his mother, he would never cry again.

On the day of the funeral, Liu Xian carried the coffin. After today, he would leave Luoyang again and settle down at the place where Zhang Ximiao was buried to observe mourning. The burial site was set between Wan'an Mountain and Longmen, on a small hill called Bianshan. Backed by green mountains and overlooking the Yi River, with forests on either side, it was a place with a majestic atmosphere within and a sharp edge without. It was the place Ximiao had chosen before his death.

And Liu Xian will spend three years here to get through the shadow.

　Please vote! Please read! Please support me, your support is my motivation to update!
　　Thanks to Airsky for the tip~
　　
　
(End of this chapter)