Love in Cthulhu

Chapter 32 You Are My Little Monster
Fortunately, Miss Monster hasn't left yet. If she had walked out of the compound in her grief, wanting to find a place to die, then it would be impossible to find her anywhere.

But what should I say now that I'm standing here?

Comfort? Apology? Begging for reconciliation? Those are all things that should be done, but the question is, what happens after that?

She wasn't Jian Xi; she was a monster. Just as she could never become the real Jian Xi, he couldn't completely see her as Jian Xi either.

Unfortunately, Jian Xi is already dead, leaving a void in the social consciousness of Jian Xi. Miss Monster needs to fill this void to prevent chaos, so she will continue to be his, and even everyone's, Jian Xi.

Isn't she just a substitute? Her purpose in existing is to be a substitute for Jian Xi?
He came with the sincerity of wanting to mend the relationship, but he was troubled about how to treat her.

"You... how did you get here?" Jian Xi quickly wiped her eyes. Actually, she wasn't crying, but her eyes were still stinging.

"I've come to apologize to you." Zhou Nan dragged his feet over, slowly sat down in front of her, looked at her face which she wanted to hide under the blanket and turn away, and said in a low voice, "I'm sorry, I said some very hurtful things to you. I'm a bastard, I'm shameless, I repent and I apologize."

Jian Xi lowered her head and remained silent for a long time: "It's my fault, you're right... I'm a monster, how can a monster replace a human? I'll leave after tonight and won't appear in front of you again. Don't talk to me anymore, I'm not like what you think."

"What if I don't let you leave?"

Jian Xi was startled. She looked up and saw his dark, serious eyes, which seemed to be shimmering with light.

Her eyes immediately dimmed again. How could this be? She had almost killed him just now! Was he going to play such a joke on her at a time like this? Couldn't he just let her spend her last human moments here alone?
"You lied to me again."

"No, this time I am truly sincere."

He gently grasped her wrist. She tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let her. He patted the back of her hand, and she gradually calmed down, no longer trying to escape, letting him hold her.

"I'm so sorry for lying to you about liking you. I was so scared back then. I was afraid you would keep eating people and things would get out of control. But I couldn't beat you. After thinking it over, the only thing I could do was to take advantage of my past relationship with Jian Xi."

Zhou Nan chuckled self-deprecatingly: "Shameless, right? But that's just how shameless I am. I wanted to take advantage of your feelings, thinking that this would allow me to control you. I treated you as a substitute for her. I was so happy to see you come back to life. I was so afraid that Jian Xi would really leave me and I would be all alone. But when I was with you, I couldn't help but try to distinguish between you two. I would tell myself that Jian Xi was actually dead, and that you were just playing her to make me happy."

She timidly raised her eyes, no longer the wailing roar of the night. He looked at her quietly, his soft words flowing like a long, gentle poem.

"That's why I couldn't help but say those things to you... as if that would allow me to protect the Jianxi in my heart. But she's already dead, really dead. No matter how much I want to say, she can't hear me anymore."

Zhou Nan said softly, "Why should I impose these feelings on you? The moment you said you wanted to become Jian Xi, I started acting out as if I had a stress response. There's no reason for it; I'm just internally depleting myself because I can't understand why. Actually, you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, you could say you did a great job. If you weren't here, the fact that Jian Xi died would be enough to cause a lot of trouble. It would make everything around me a mess, and I don't know how many people's lives would be drastically changed."

He scratched his head, his mind still a mess. He didn't even know what he was saying. Wasn't he supposed to be apologizing? Why was he bringing up stories about his ex in front of his new love? It was like lying in bed making love with someone while constantly calling out his ex-girlfriend's name.

But only by making things clear can he truly face the truth. The answer was already in his heart, but he was unwilling to admit it, constantly running away, afraid that the tide of sadness would catch up with him, running forward aimlessly and helplessly.

Miss Monster just looks a lot like Jian Xi, but she's not Jian Xi. Regardless of how much romance you had with Jian Xi, Miss Monster didn't kill Jian Xi. She even helped you so much. What's the point of taking your anger out on her? Is love all that matters, and loving you the most important thing?
"I'm sorry... I'm really, really sorry," he said softly, his voice growing increasingly dry, as if he were just a robot who could only say sorry.

He felt this was insincere, so he grabbed her foot. Jian Xi was startled, thinking he was about to do something beastly, but he just put her foot on his thigh: "Why don't you hit me? Hitting me will vent your anger."

It's not that he has any masochistic tendencies, but rather that Jian Xi has always been like this.

When she gets really angry, she always takes off her shoes and kicks him hard with her sock-only feet. This kind of attack is neither painful nor very aggressive, and it can well express that she is very angry and has to come and coax her. Zhou Nan then knows what to do to back down.

So Jianxi has never been the kind of unreasonable girl. How could a boy understand the subtle and delicate thoughts of a young girl? You don't understand, so I'll teach you. Even if I don't say it, I'll make you understand. Just coax me a little, and I'll be fine. I'm easy to coax.

That silly yet serious guy was actually apologizing to her... Miss Monster stared blankly into his dark, deep eyes, somewhat lost in thought.

These past few days she's felt something's off, like the intimacy she remembers isn't as strong as it used to be, but she can't quite put her finger on it.

It wasn't until this moment that she realized what was missing in that fake confession was precisely this kind of accommodation and care, because it was only because she cared that she was willing to lower herself.

Boyfriends all over the world love to tolerate their girlfriends' tantrums and little pouts, and Zhou Nan and Jian Xi have certainly done this many times, even though they haven't officially started dating.

But this time it belongs to her, it's the only one for Miss Monster, which means he wasn't lying, and he really cares about her, right?
She really wanted to just kick him like that; it was impossible for her not to feel a pent-up frustration.

But she couldn't bear to part with it; this was a rare and precious kindness, devoid of any ulterior motive, pure, clean, and equal.

She wanted to find a small bottle to hold this feeling, to hold it in her palm, but she was afraid it would melt and slip away from her fingertips. She wondered if she could have something so hard-won again. She was very careful, as if walking on thin ice, afraid that she would break it if she wasn't careful.

Warm light returned to Miss Monster's dim eyes. Her eyes were fixed on Zhou Nan, and black shadows like candle tears began to stream down her face. These surging black shadows slowly condensed into thorny spikes, pointing straight at Zhou Nan.

So, they don't intend to accept my apology? Zhou Nan understood.

This outcome is not surprising. When you like someone, you tend to be humble and subservient, almost to the point of being in the dust. As a result, the other person doesn't care as much, thinks you are weak and easy to bully, doesn't take you to heart, and freely lavishes the happiness and affection you give them.

But everyone's tenderness is limited. Some people have a lot, some have very little, but eventually it will all run out, and the moment it's used up is the time to leave. You wonder why the person who once loved you so much left without looking back, and you realize that you feel empty inside. You want to hold on, but nothing you do can bring back a heartbroken person.

This is what happens when you're with monsters; Zhou Nan knew he was going to be killed again.

But he didn't run away or try to hide. He knew he had made a mistake and trampled on Miss Monster's sincerity, which was the same as trampling on Jian Xi's sincerity. Whether it was Miss Monster or Jian Xi, they were the same in their bones.

Why should he not pay the price for his mistakes? The more serious the crime, the more he should pay the price. In his life, besides his family, the person he has wronged the most is Jian Xi. That girl accompanied him for sixteen years and was even willing to accompany him for longer. She spent the best years of her life on him, but he did not reciprocate properly.

That terrible movie called "A Chinese Odyssey" has been criticized by everyone for many years. When people finally understood it, they realized that it portrayed all the biggest idiots in the world, how many beautiful women loved idiots, and how many idiots didn't cherish them.

Zhou Nan looked solemnly into Miss Monster's eyes, refusing to look away, letting the sharp thorns advance inch by inch, growing larger and larger in her pupils.

The blanket slipped off her shoulders, and Miss Monster retracted her feet, slowly touching the floor. With her sharp blade, she slowly left the bed, crawling towards Zhou Nan on both hands and feet, cautiously studying his expression.

She believed he wasn't lying, but her trust was now tainted with dust. At this moment, she no longer faced him as Jian Xi. With every slight movement, her face would distort, and her entire body began to dissolve into flowing, surging shadows, retaining only a basic human form.

That was her original form. She wanted him to know what she was like. He was accepting a monster that could kill him at any moment, a monster that was superior to him. The difference between them was not just in strength, but also in race, mentality, and concepts.

The distance was only a step away, but Miss Monster climbed for a very long time, and Zhou Nan's neck almost fell off.

His breathing became more and more rapid, not from nervousness, but from the increasing pain in his body, the kind of pain that makes you feel like you're about to die. He thought that his bones were actually broken long ago, but he still had to drag his broken body to find her.

Just as their breaths touched and their lips were almost touching, all the sharp thorns instantly retracted into his body. In front of him was the beautiful girl named Jian Xi again. She opened her arms, hugged his neck, and knocked him heavily to the floor.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I should be the one saying sorry!"

She could no longer pretend, and her tears finally broke free.

"I'm sorry, I took your girl without permission and even said I wanted to become her... But I really love living like this. I want to eat something different every day, I want school to start soon so I can face those dreaded exams, I want summer to come soon so I can wear a light, flowing dress and twirl around. I want everything. I want to live, to live like a human girl!"

"But everything I have is borrowed, stolen from Jian Xi, without her permission, and without yours either. I'm so sorry... Please don't hate me, okay? I won't say those things again. I know I can't replace Jian Xi, but even if you treat me as her substitute, it's okay. I don't ask for your feelings, just let me stay here. I can do so many things for you, just let me stay..."

The girl in his arms was so warm, trembling slightly. Her cries were already blurred and indistinct, like murmurs, but he could still understand her.

Gan Tang's warning echoed in his ears again: if he continued to stay with this kind of thing, he would be assimilated and absorbed, and in three years, he would become an incurable monster.

But he was slowly reaching out his hand. Reason wanted to remain absolutely calm and make the choice that best served human interests, but emotion had already broken through the shackles of his nerves and was doing what he should be doing now.

He slowly wrapped his arms around Jian Xi's neck, an intimate gesture he had never made before. Jian Xi was a tall girl, 1.68 meters tall, with a slender figure, but when she curled up in fear, she was still such a small ball.

He could only embrace her. Whether she was his girl or a dangerous monster, at this moment she was just a baby who had been born a few days earlier. Born with the memories and emotions of a young girl, how could she not be confused? She couldn't even understand what any of this meant.

In the darkness, the two intertwined shadows resembled hard sculptures. He gently stroked her soft, long hair, and her cries gradually faded. She was truly a child who needed to be looked at closely.

"Don't hate me... I just, I just want to... stay. I know... you all don't like me, humans don't like me, but apart from Jianxi's identity, I have no, no choice..." She sobbed after every few words.

"How could I hate you? Even if you weren't Jian Xi, I wouldn't hate you. Even if I couldn't like you, I still wouldn't hate you."

He knew what saying those words meant, but he no longer cared.

From the moment he accepted her, he had already placed himself on the opposite side of humanity.

Human society could not accept such a terrifying monster. Jianxi's parents, their school, and all the social connections she had would not accept her and would only kill her. She was destined to be alone from the moment she was born. Only he would be willing to accept her and keep this secret with her.

On a smaller scale, this is collusion, a substitute he left for himself out of his own selfish motives. Even if he can't treat her as Jian Xi, he's already satisfied as long as there's something so similar to Jian Xi around him.

On a grander scale, he betrayed all of humanity. Perhaps one day the monster will eventually reveal its true nature and return to its proper way of life. If Miss Monster commits any further transgressions against human society, it will not be her fault alone, but he too must bear the consequences.

But none of that matters anymore; let the righteous friends go to hell.

If there's nothing left in this world that I can cling to, what will become of it, and what will it have to do with me?

If the world doesn't like you, then the world is my enemy.

　Please stop talking about single updates. My chapters are 4000+ words long, equivalent to two chapters for others. Just look at the page number in the bottom left corner; I don't have a habit of 2000 words per chapter. For me, 2000 words is like forcibly stopping an emotional outburst halfway through—the reading experience would be extremely poor. During the new book period, 4+ words per day is fine. Also, the group number is in the introduction; the threshold is 300 followers. You can add more after the book is published.

　　
　
(End of this chapter)