female sexual motivation

Chapter 21 Responsibility (3)
Many times it is difficult to sort out the cause and effect relationship - is the libido lowered because of the argument, or is it because the libido is lowered that the argument continues?Maybe it's mutual causation.Sometimes, two people quarrel not because of sexual needs, but because of the needs of intimacy.Many women have talked about their desire to be close to their partners, to feel close.But intimacy requires two people to talk openly and do sweet things together, not just sexual acts such as foreplay.

Lesbian couples are sometimes very close, even reaching a state of "heart-to-heart fusion".They are so eager to enter each other's inner world that they give up all their personal space, their personalities, and so on.While women expect this indiscriminate state, it often kills a woman's sexual desire.Some therapists believe that avoiding sex has become a way of creating distance because two people have completely lost their personal space.Others believe that for women, sex is a way to gain intimacy and eliminate barriers.When two people are so close that they lose their privacy, sex becomes superfluous.

Often, women themselves do not understand why their partners no longer arouse their desires.This change may happen slowly, or it may be the result of misunderstanding, disappointment, frustration and other emotions accumulated over time.A woman interviewed lost her sexual interest in her husband, and because she couldn't think of any reason, she mistakenly thought that she was suffering from sexual dysfunction:

Once in my seventh year of marriage, I went out to dinner with one of our male friends and the hubby stayed home to babysit...my friend and I had a party after dinner and played late.For the first time in years I felt physically and mentally relaxed, the first time I felt so indulged.On the way home, I leaned in and kissed him, taking both of us by surprise.He was surprised because I hadn't given any hints before.I was surprised because I hated sex so much and thought I was sick.He drove to a secluded location and we started making out.We didn't have sex that day, but it led us to voraciously possess each other a few weeks later, and I got into an affair that ended up in a divorce.Looking back, I think subconsciously I wanted to end that unhappy marriage, but I didn't realize it.My life revolved around my kids and I mistook myself for sexual dysfunction.I suddenly woke up that night, and I rekindled the long-lost passion.I found myself enjoying sex...just not with my husband.

—Heterosexual female, 47 years old

I wanted to say "no"

When couples have incoordination of sexual desire, the party with strong sexual desire is mostly male.If men generally have stronger desires and are used to taking the initiative in sex, then women will have more non-consensual sex.In other words, it is women who make concessions in sex.Is it true?

Women do give in more than men do during sex, research suggests -- but the gap is not as wide as previously thought.A survey of married couples found that 84 percent of women, and 64 percent of men, "generally" or "always" submit to their partner's sexual demands, although unwillingly.Researcher Lucia O'Sullivan found that women were more likely to give up when the relationship was only two weeks long (50% vs. 26%).However, the gender difference was less pronounced when the relationship was longer than one year.Overall, it is true that women give in more, but in a long-term relationship, anyone will experience unwanted sex at least once.

In our survey, we found that women make concessions mainly for three reasons: maintaining a relationship; a sense of responsibility; and out of "good intentions."Some women agree to each other's sexual demands in order to avoid quarrels:
We had been in a long relationship, he was hypersexual and I was a little frigid.He was always getting pissed off about it.Sometimes, in order to avoid unnecessary quarrels and to fulfill my responsibilities, I will force myself a bit.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

As a woman, there are always times when I can't get excited... because I'm too tired or too busy.But when you're married, you sometimes have to put your partner's needs first.I don't know if this should be called pestering...my husband gets cranky, depressed, and aloof if he hasn't had sex in a while.So sometimes I have to obey in order not to hurt the peace... Tell you, I am very happy every time I finish it.

—Heterosexual female, 32 years old

In a long-term love relationship, the two parties cannot always hit it off, so sometimes it is necessary to make sacrifices in order not to hurt the relationship.The sacrifice can be big or small. A small sacrifice is going to a restaurant that you don’t like but your partner likes, etc. A big sacrifice is moving to support your partner’s job transfer, etc.Likewise, submitting to a partner's sexual demands is a sacrifice for love.

Whether you are willing to make sacrifices and how much sacrifice you are willing to make generally depends on the importance you attach to feelings.If a person believes that love brings more gains than losses, then he or she will value the other person more.In addition, the party who has paid more time, money, and energy will not give up the relationship so easily.The importance placed on affection is also influenced by potential candidates.If a person is afraid of being alone, and there are few other people to choose from at the moment, then he or she will be more willing to make sacrifices and compromises for existing relationships.

So far, no one has specifically studied the role of non-consensual sex in maintaining relationships.When people realize that the other party has made sacrifices for themselves, they may love each other more.Provided, of course, that he or she cares about the sacrifices you make.The role of non-consensual sex is influenced by many factors, including how far apart the two parties are in sexual matters, whether sacrifices made by one party are rewarded accordingly, and whether they are seen as acts of generosity, etc.

On the other hand, some guys are really dull and don't think it's a "sacrifice" for you to have sex with him.

virtuous wife

As mentioned above, many women will accommodate the strong sexual desire of men, but in addition, many women, especially married women, regard sex as their due responsibility:
We have been married for 32 years and I feel it is my duty as a wife to live a conjugal life with my husband, I have always believed that.

—Heterosexual female, 53 years old

When a man and a woman establish a marriage contract, it means making each other their only sexual partners.This point of view is mentioned in many religious scriptures.For example, "7 Corinthians" (2:3-[-]) in the "New Testament" mentions that each husband and wife have an obligation to maintain sexual relations with each other, "But to avoid fornication, each man should have his own Every woman should have her own husband. Husbands should treat their wives as they should, and wives should treat their husbands in the same way.”Judaism places a strong emphasis on the husband's responsibility to please his wife sexually.The Talmud stipulates the time and quality of sex between a husband and his wife based on the husband's occupation, and prohibits the husband from deciding not to have sex for a long period of time or to travel for a long time.

Some women believe that sex is a duty of marriage, a view that stems in part from religious beliefs and in part from traditional beliefs passed down from generation to generation that men are the breadwinners and women are responsible for raising children, doing housework and "serving" their husbands . "Serving" includes meeting the husband's physical needs at any time. In "Sex and Bliss Marriage" published in 1959, it said that a "virtuous" wife should be extremely passionate when "serving" her husband:
Regardless of individual differences, women are generally the ones who lack passion...but the virtuous wife knows how to accommodate her husband and never refuses his demands.A wife will serve her husband with joy, even if she is not passionate about her own passions.If the wife is perfunctory every time, then the husband may look for passion in the arms of other women.Of course, no average wife can feign flaming desire unless she's a superb actress.But when she's not in the mood, it's best for a wife to sincerely respect her husband's physical needs and please him willingly, while avoiding the appearance of charity.

In today's western society, most families are husband and wife both working outside, but the younger generation of women are still educated in this traditional concept from the older generation.A child's caregiver—whether a mother, father, nannies or grandparents—has a major influence on a girl's sexuality.At present, the scientific community is not very clear how family values ​​​​are instilled in children, or why some family values ​​​​are accepted and others are not.However, one thing is very clear, that is, the sexual anxiety of women in adulthood is closely related to the education they received in childhood.

"Nice" girls have empathy
Women are always regarded as guardian angels, and they are taught from an early age to know how to sympathize with others and to be considerate of others.Generally speaking, women need to cook soup and porridge for the sick, serve tea and water for the elderly, or even use their bodies to soothe the lonely soul?Several of the women interviewed spoke of using their bodies to comfort those who had lost their souls.Many interviewed women said that they had sex with each other out of pity when they were in their late teens and twenties:
He's an old friend (we grew up together) and he said he was a virgin and never met a girl he could trust or love or care about and he was devastated.He seemed to have gotten into a dead end, thinking that boys should lose their virginity earlier... instead of having to wait for that special person like girls.We admired each other and even thought about falling in love, but he lived far away at the time, and there was no further information after that.Finally one day he came to visit me at my house and we rolled onto the couch without knowing it... He insisted on having sex with me and I agreed because I pity him.It's not a big deal to me because I'm not a virgin anymore and I know him and trust him...but in the long run I feel like it was a bad decision.Because I always thought that sex should only be in a relationship, and after this incident I knew what I really liked.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

One woman interviewed said how she felt sorry for a man who couldn't find a girlfriend, so she accepted him:

I don't like to let others down, and I don't like to hurt others.I've even been in a relationship with someone I didn't like in the past because I was afraid of hurting them... To give a concrete example, I met a boy on Facebook and we both love movies.He offered to meet me, and we decided to have lunch together.He immediately acted interested in me and told me a lot of sad things about how no girl ever liked him, etc.Long story short, we ended up together because I wanted to make him feel more confident, and I felt like I'd be "in debt to him" if I turned him down.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

This urge to care for others is not limited to young women.A middle-aged woman described having sex with a poor man who had just been divorced:
He was interested in me and we had a lot of fun together.I like him too, but I definitely don't want to be his girlfriend.He was recently divorced, so I'm kind of sympathetic to him.

—Heterosexual female, 44 years old

Several interviewed women who had a stable relationship with their boyfriends said that they willingly wronged themselves during sex because they wanted to give each other a feeling of being loved:

In a stable relationship, sex is very important, not only to resolve problems, but also to avoid new problems.After being in love several times, I found that the sexual desires of two people are generally incompatible. Sometimes I deliberately let myself take the initiative, because I know that my boyfriend wants it, and I want him to be happy.I also found that I was always not as enthusiastic as my boyfriend, so I would consciously tease him, trying to give him a feeling of being needed and loved.

—Heterosexual female, 23 years old

Some of the interviewed women said that they had sex in order not to disappoint or upset their partners:

My girlfriend and I had just reconciled, and we were both distraught by the previous argument.She was the one who suggested it first, and she would be upset if I said no.Eventually I backed down because I wanted to get close to her too, though not necessarily sexually.

- gay woman, 19

Is it a good thing to force yourself to have sex?
Women often force themselves to have sex even though they don't want it for environmental, physical, or emotional reasons.We have said before that there are many reasons why women force themselves to have sex, some are because they want to please their partners, some are because of their kind nature, some are because they want to maintain their relationship, and so on.In short, if a woman's motivation for having sex is to make herself a good partner or a good person, then non-consensual sex is enjoyable for both parties.

In Chapter 10, we will talk about that forced sexual intercourse can cause a huge psychological shadow on women except in a few cases.If women engage in sex out of fear, they often experience guilt, disgust, regret, etc. afterwards.But consensual sex does not produce the above negative emotions.

In fact, one survey found that only 29 percent of men and 35 percent of women felt uncomfortable after having forced sex.As we mentioned earlier, many women interviewed said they felt better after satisfying their partner's sexual demands.Some said it felt "awesome," others said it "boosted my confidence," and some said regret was "stupid."Some see it as part of a normal relationship life:

Whenever my fiancé wants to get close to me or release some stress, I feel obligated to satisfy him even if I'm "not in the mood".Because he will do it for me too.No matter what our partner needs, we should do our best to help.I think that's what a healthy, happy, dedicated relationship should be like.I gave him everything, and he gave me everything, and I felt content without any reluctance.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

Some women think this is not a problem at all:

Tired, but he wants it, nothing, just do it.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

So what determines a woman's mood?Perhaps the best diagnosis is what psychologists call approach-avoidance motivation.Tendency-motivated behaviors are behaviors that are performed in order to obtain a positive or good experience.In sex, for example, a woman agrees to have sex because she wants to please her partner or to be a good partner.Under such motivation, women generally feel good about themselves afterwards.In contrast, avoidance-motivated behavior refers to behavior performed in order to avoid negative or painful consequences.For example, women have sex because they are afraid of losing their partner or because they are afraid that their partner will be angry or disappointed.In such cases, women often feel ashamed and annoyed afterwards.

Sometimes, the main purpose of the tendency-motivation is the woman herself rather than the partner, that is to say, non-consensual sex can sometimes "start" the woman's lust.Two women interviewed had this experience:

At that time I had a headache and just wanted to sleep, but my boyfriend kept kissing me like he couldn't wait.We were in a long distance relationship and only saw each other every few weeks, so I gave in.But when I started responding to him, I found myself getting more and more excited, you know.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

I sometimes tell him explicitly that I don't want to have sex.But a few times he insisted on it, and I said yes, because his insistence was foreplay (romantic kisses, tender touching, etc.), and after entering the foreplay, I realized that I had changed my mind and wanted to have sex again .

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

Women are most likely to be sexually aroused when they are in a state of "erotic neutrality," which is a state in which they do not want to have sex but do not hate it.Whether you can successfully arouse the sexual desire of "neutral" women depends on several factors, including the partner's foreplay skills, women's sensitivity to sexual stimulation, and women's physical and mental pleasure when they are sexually aroused.Some of these factors are within the control of women -- especially those who want to gain sexual experience.

(End of this chapter)