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Chapter 2 Talking Psychology

The mouth is scheming, and the words are scheming
Being able to speak is not about eloquence and answering ten questions, but being able to communicate well with people through language. "Speaking" is to conquer others, "words" is to touch people's hearts; "speaking" is to touch the bottom of the heart, and "talking" is to answer fluently.Being able to speak is a kind of ability, a kind of capital, and it is an art that must be mastered.Whoever can use this art effectively will be able to stand out from the crowd and become a real winner in social life.

to express unspeakable words implicitly

Euphemism is better than eloquence.

There are many things in life that "you only need to feel, not to say".

It is certainly a good habit to speak straight and say what you think, but sometimes it is inevitable that you will encounter situations where it is inconvenient, unbearable, or impossible to speak directly.At this time, if you speak frankly, it may affect interpersonal relationships and hurt others.In order to avoid unpleasant things from happening, it is still necessary to pay attention to some skills in speaking, such as deliberately saying something similar or related to the original intention, and expressing the original straightforward words in a tactful and implicit manner.

Euphemistic and implicit language is easier to be accepted by others, can show respect for others, and achieves the purpose of effective communication and exchange of ideas.

Euphemism is better than eloquence
Subtlety is a clever and artistic way of expression.In social communication, when we really want to express an inner desire, but it is difficult to express it, we might as well use implicit expressions.It sometimes achieves the purpose of correct expression better than eloquence, and thus receives satisfactory results.

Euphemism is a charm.No matter in fashion design, or in drama stories, in casual conversation, subtlety is very important. In a sense, without subtlety, there is no art.The solid land, bare rocks, and golden beaches have a straightforward beauty; while the green gauze mist, weeping drizzle, and hazy dusk have a subtle beauty.

Reservation can sometimes help us avoid embarrassment.The clever use of euphemistic and implicit language may seem to be an understatement, but it actually tells the key problem.Churchill said the most memorable sentence: "Britain is doomed to be defeated in many battles, except the last battle." This not only shows the strength of Britain, but also the power of euphemism.

When people talk about Lu Zhishen in "Water Margin", they immediately think of his outspoken and "straight barrel" image.In fact, even Lu Zhishen, who is the most straightforward, cannot do without euphemisms sometimes, and sometimes speaks reservedly.In the TV series "Water Margin", after Lu Zhishen beat Zhen Guanxi to death with three punches, he had to shave off his hair and become a monk in order to avoid being hunted down by the officials.There is such a line in the play:
The master asked: "You can hold on to your body and life, but you are not close to color?"

Zhishen replied: "Yes."

The master asked again: "If you don't drink alcohol to the end of your life, can you hold it now?"

Zhishen replied: "Yes."

The master asked again, "Can you hold on to the end of life without killing?"

Zhishen hesitated.

Finally, the mage asked in a loud voice: "To the end of life, without killing, can you hold on now?"

Zhishen replied: "Understood."

The master asked Lu Zhishen not to have sex with women and not to drink alcohol. He can do it, but it is really difficult for him not to punish and kill the wicked people in the world.But if he answered "no" at this time, the mage would definitely not allow him to shave his hair and become a monk, so he would have nowhere to hide. Therefore, Lu Zhishen came up with a flexible solution, saying "I know", and passed the test in front of the mage without violating the law. My own intention, the best of both worlds.

In social communication life, there is a need for subtle and euphemistic conversation everywhere.Learn to be reserved and tactful, which can enhance your communication effect.It can be said that euphemistic and implicit language is wonderful.

Stevenson, who ran for president twice and lost to Eisenhower, never lost his sense of humor.When he was first nominated to run for president, he admitted to being flattered, quipping: "I don't think complacency hurts anybody, that is, as long as one doesn't breathe the air."

On the morning of his first campaign defeat to Eisenhower, he greeted reporters at the door with a voice full of humorous force: "Come in and do an autopsy on toast."

One day a few years later, Stevenson was invited to give a speech at a dinner party.He was delayed by the passing of the military parade on the road, and he was late when he arrived at the venue.He apologized deeply, explaining: "Army heroes keep getting in my way."

Stevenson changed his image in people's minds by using clever and implicit language, relaxed, subtle one-liners and euphemistic expressions, making the audience feel that he is not a loser, even if he is not elected president, he is still Also a winner.

When we speak, we often use some deliberately evasive techniques to give people a sense of humor.When someone talks about someone's ugly appearance, they don't directly say "ugly", but use words such as "difficult to look at" and "a little sorry for the audience"; When there is dissatisfaction with the matter, saying that he is a little "not interested" in this matter, etc., are all euphemistic and implicit expressions of the original intention of the matter.It can be seen that implicitness mainly has the following three functions.

First, sometimes people are shy and embarrassed when expressing some kind of concern or making some kind of request, but the expression of implicit hint can solve this problem.

Second, everyone has self-esteem.Maintaining or hurting the self-esteem of the other party is often the direct cause of affecting the quality of interpersonal relationships; while some expressions, such as refusing the other party's request, expressing opinions different from the other party, criticizing the other party, etc., can easily hurt the other party's self-esteem.At this time, the implicit way can often achieve the purpose of not only completing the task of expression, but also maintaining the self-esteem of the other party.

Third, sometimes in a certain situation, for example, because of the presence of a third party, it is inconvenient to say some things, and then a reserved way can be used.

Pay attention when using euphemistic and implicit language. Euphemistic and implicit does not mean obscure.Its performance skills are first established on the basis of people's understanding, and at the same time, attention should be paid to the scope of use.If the speech is obscure, there will be no euphemism at all; if the euphemism is used regardless of the occasion, it may also cause adverse consequences.

make a request in a compliment
A person who can speak must be a person who is good at "good words".

Whatever you want the other party to do, compliment him in that direction, so that he can satisfy his desire to be praised and worshiped. More importantly, he will spare no effort to do things for you and strive to reach the realm you compliment.

When a child is afraid of pain and unwilling to get an injection, if his parents coax him: "You are so brave! The children are not as brave as you!" The child will really think that he is the bravest person, and he will no longer resist the injection.If you admit his bravery, he will show you his bravery.

If it sounds good, children love it, and adults love it too.What do you want the other party to do, you can label the other party as what kind of person.If a person is omnipotent in the eyes of another, then he will try to show his omnipotence.

Wang Ni found a nanny, so she called the nanny's former employer and asked about the situation, but the comments she got were more negative than positive.

On the day the nanny came, Wang Ni said to her: "I called your former employer and she said that you are honest and reliable, and you cook well. Dirty, I don't think her words are entirely credible. You dress neatly, everyone can see. I'm sure you'll keep your home as neat and tidy as you are. And you'll be will get on well with me."

Hearing what Wang Ni said, the nanny made up her mind to behave well. As a result, they really got along very well. The nanny really cleaned the house and worked very hard.

Before the nanny officially started working, Wang Ni put a top hat on her. "Cook well", "I believe you will take care of the house well", "You will get along well with me".Of course the nanny likes to hear these words, because it is her appreciation and affirmation. For Wang Ni, her purpose is not necessarily to appreciate the nanny, but to raise her own expectations and requirements for the nanny.When the nanny knows that she has such a good impression in Wang Ni's heart, she will try her best to maintain this good image.

Laozi said: "Good words can be sold." It means that if a person is good at controlling language, he can exchange it for what he needs.The meaning of this sentence is reflected in the above vivid story.A person who can speak must be a person who is good at "good words".It is a social skill to make demands on the other party in compliments.Compliment him in that direction according to what you want the other party to do. This will satisfy his desire to be praised and admired. More importantly, he will spare no effort to do things for you and strive to achieve the level you compliment him.

Maybe you will say that wearing a high hat is actually sycophancy, but in fact, it is not the case.Flattery refers to exaggerating the advantages of others or saying that others' shortcomings and mistakes are correct.Although wearing a high hat is to praise others, it is not exaggerated and is in line with the reality. It is just that when complimenting others, it highlights his advantages and ignores his shortcomings.

Everyone has their own advantages, and those who are good at putting a high hat on others are good at discovering other people's advantages and speaking them out in a timely manner, and the other party will naturally be very happy.Because everyone wants to be valuable in the eyes of others, and everyone likes to hear others praise themselves.If it were you, would you like others to put you down and embarrass you?Don't you also like to hear others praise you and say nice things to you?

There is nothing you can't do!
This thing only you can do!

I know you are a very responsible person, so I trust you completely!

You are my best friend, you will never let me down, right!
These words sound like complimenting the other party, but they are actually making demands on the other party.In fact, you understand this point, and the other party also understands it, but the other party is willing to pretend to be confused amidst your praise.

However, when complimenting others, many people often exaggerate and make people feel fooled, which is counterproductive.For example, to an ordinary girl, in order to get close to her, you say that she is as beautiful as a fairy; to a non-professional person, in order to make him do more things, you say that he is a genius, and the other party will obviously not be happy.In this way, it can only show that you are a duplicity and hypocrisy.

Get the other person to say "yes" right from the start

If you want your opinion to be agreed by others, you must make the other party say "yes" from the beginning.

When you ask a question and the other person has not answered, you have to nod first.

When a person is speaking, if he utters a series of "yes" at the beginning, it will make his whole body and mind tend to be positive.At this time, the whole body is in a relaxed state, which can easily create a harmonious conversation atmosphere, and it is also easy to abandon his original prejudices and agree with the other party's opinions.

Harrison, an American motor salesman, told an interesting story that he personally experienced:
Once, he visited a new customer's company and was going to persuade them to buy a few more new motors.Unexpectedly, as soon as he stepped into the company's gate, he was hit in the head:
"Harrison, you're selling your junk again! Stop dreaming, we'll never buy your shit again!" said the chief engineer angrily.

According to Harrison's understanding, the thing turned out to be like this: the chief engineer went to the workshop yesterday for inspection and touched the motor that Harrison had sold to them not long ago.Therefore, rejecting Harrison's visit today, there is no way to sell!
Harrison thought about it calmly, and thought that if he debated the quality of the motor head-on with the other party, it would definitely not help the matter.He adopted another tactic, and the following conversation took place:

"Well, Mr. Spence! I totally agree with your position that if the motor overheats, you have to return the one you already bought, let alone buy a new one, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Of course, any motor will have a certain degree of heat when it is working, but the heat should not exceed the standards stipulated by the National Electrotechnical Association, do you think so?"

"Yes."

"According to national technical standards, the temperature of the motor can be 42°C higher than the indoor temperature, isn't that true?"

"Yes. But your motor is much hotter than that. Well, I almost burned my hand yesterday!"

"Just a moment, please. What's the temperature in your workshop?"

"About 24°C."

"Excellent! The workshop temperature is 24°C, plus the 42°C temperature increase, the total is about 66°C. Excuse me, if you put your hands in 66°C water, will you get burned?"

"That's quite possible."

"Then, please don't touch the motor in the future. However, you can rest assured that there is absolutely no problem with the quality of our products." As a result, Harrison made another deal.

Harrison's success, in addition to the fact that the quality of his motor is really good, he also took advantage of subtle changes in people's psychology.

Many people always let the other party say "no" first in the process of negotiating with others, which will cause him to say "no" continuously.If we can use our "scheming" and let the other party say "yes" first, it will greatly increase the success rate of the negotiation. That is to say, if you want your opinion to be agreed by others, you must make the other party say "yes" at the beginning. ".

If you want to make the other party say "yes", there are two points that should be paid special attention to:

First, we must create an atmosphere that allows the other party to say "yes", and do everything possible to avoid an atmosphere where the other party says "no".Therefore, the questions asked should be carefully considered and not believable.For example, a conversation between a salesman and a customer:
"It's still as hot as yesterday, isn't it?"

"Yes!"

"Recent inflation, law and order chaos, is it?"

"Yes!"

"It's so bad now, it's really hard to know what to do!"

Although this type of question is normal, no matter what the salesman says, the other party will answer "yes", which seems to have created an affirmative atmosphere, but pay attention to the content of his speech, but it creates a negative and pessimistic atmosphere that makes people unintentional to buy. atmosphere.In other words, after hearing his inquiry, the customer will become depressed, and of course he doesn't want to buy anything.

Second, to make the other party answer "yes", the way of asking questions is very important.What kind of question is easier to get an affirmative answer?The best way should be: hint at the answer you want to get.

Therefore, when selling products, you should not ask customers if they like it or want to buy it.Because when you ask him "Do you want to buy it" and "Do you like it", he may answer "No".Therefore, it should be asked: "You must like it, don't you?"

When you ask a question and the other party has not answered, you should also nod first. You can nod while asking, which can induce the other party to give an affirmative answer.

It is a clumsy move to reach the sky in one step, and it is effective to "make progress"
Make small requests first, then big ones.

Step by step can gradually eliminate people's psychological resistance.

As the saying goes, "It is a clumsy trick to reach the sky in one step, and it is effective to 'make progress'".When we need help or permission, we can first lower the "threshold" according to the other party's psychological acceptance habits, and then slowly achieve our goals.

One day, in order to pass the boring time waiting for others, Xiao Ji wandered around in the fashion district of the mall.

"Miss, this is the latest model of this year, you can try it if you like." An enthusiastic salesperson introduced to Xiao Ji.

"Oh, I was just looking around."

"It doesn't matter, but I think this one is very suitable for you, can you try it?"

"Hehe." Xiao Ji shook his head.

"I've been selling clothes for several years, and I know what kind of clothes you look good on based on your temperament. If you don't believe me, you can try to see how it looks."

"It's okay, it's okay if you don't buy it after trying it out, just try a new style, if it really fits, I can guide you in the direction of buying clothes in the future, isn't it?" the salesperson said as he took the clothes off the hanger Come down and put it in Xiao Ji's hand, "The fitting room is over there."

"Look, I'm right, it's so beautiful, it's as if it was tailor-made for you!"...

In this way, Xiao Ji bought that dress when he had no plan to buy clothes.

Men's courtship will scare away girls if they are straightforward. Starting with friends, it is easy to achieve the goal.Therefore, when a customer chooses clothes, in order to dispel the customer's worries, a shrewd salesperson will let the customer try it, and then praise the clothes as very suitable and serve you thoughtfully. In this case, when he persuades you to buy Many customers find it difficult to refuse.

When you ask others, if you make a higher request at the beginning, it is easy to be rejected; and if you make a lower request first, and then increase the weight of the request after others agree, it is easier to achieve the goal.This phenomenon is called the threshold effect in psychology.Psychological experiments have proved the existence of the "threshold effect", and the goal can often be achieved after gaining an inch first.

American psychologist Friedman and his assistants once conducted such a classic experiment, allowing two college students to visit some housewives in the suburbs.One started by asking housewives to put a small sticker on a window or sign a petition about beautifying California or driving safely, a small, innocuous request.Two weeks later, another college student visited the housewives again and asked them to erect a large sign calling for safe driving in the yard within the next two weeks.It turned out that 55% of those who agreed to the first request accepted the request, while only 17% of those housewives who were not interviewed for the first time accepted the request.

The "threshold effect" shows that if a large request is made to others at once, it is generally difficult for people to accept it, but if the request is gradually made and the gap is continuously narrowed, it is easier for people to accept it.People all have the desire to keep their image consistent, and they all hope to leave a consistent good impression on others, and they don't want others to see themselves as "moody" people. Therefore, after accepting the first small request from others, then When faced with the second request, it is more difficult to refuse. If the loss caused by this request is not too great, people often have the mentality of "I have already helped anyway, so why not help again".So the "threshold effect" came into play. If one foot goes in, why should the whole body go in?
The "threshold effect" will bring us a lot of inspiration.If a man meets a girl that he likes, if he immediately bluntly wants to marry her and spend the rest of his life together, the girl will probably be surprised and avoid her.In fact, most men will not be so reckless, they will first invite girls to eat together, watch movies, go to the park, and after these small requests are fulfilled, they will propose marriage as a matter of course.

The "threshold effect" can also be applied to education.Parents hope that their children will become dragons, but the cultivation of talents can only be done step by step, and it is impossible to backfire.Especially for younger children, you can first put forward lower requirements, wait for him (she) to do as required, give affirmation, praise and even reward, and then gradually increase the requirements to achieve his life goals.

Good things should be said at the right time

If you don't talk too much, just click it; if you don't talk too much, just do it at the right time!

Good words are not applicable at all times, and it does not mean that they can bring benefits to oneself at all times, but it depends on the timing.

Speaking is an art and a science.If you have deep knowledge, you will benefit a lot; if you don't have deep knowledge, you will run into walls everywhere, and you will not be a good person, let alone great things!
The ancients said: "If the mountain is not high, there will be immortals; if the water is not deep, there will be dragons." The same is true for speaking.

Mastering the timing of good words is a compulsory course for everyone, because if your words are not at the right time, no matter how good your words are, no matter how beautiful your words are, not only will not have a good effect, on the contrary, it will also bring you negative results effect, then you will lose your wife and lose your army, which is really not worthwhile.Therefore, learn to consider the content of your speech according to all conditions such as the other party's personality, psychology, identity, and the atmosphere at the time.

People often see such a scene: a person speaks eloquently there, but the other party is frowning, not interested in the topic this person is talking about at all, even if the other party keeps praising him, in the end, in desperation, he will Find an excuse to sneak away.This is a question of timing. No matter how exciting a person's speech is, if the timing is not well grasped, the purpose of effective speech will not be achieved.If you want to make the other party willing to listen to you or accept your point of view, you have to learn how to choose the right time and grasp this time, and say the right thing at the right time.Just like a participating baseball player, even if he has good technique and a strong physique, if he fails to grasp the decisive moment of hitting the ball, whether it is too early or too late, the bat will fail and the game will be lost.

Therefore, timing is very precious to a person who wants to be excellent, but when is this "decisive moment" and how to judge and seize the opportunity in time, there are no certain rules, mainly based on the conversation It depends on the specific situation at the time, such as the mood of the other party, the environment at the time and a series of factors.

In addition, both sides of the conversation, due to their different experiences, have different understandings of things, and differences, collisions, and confrontations between opinions are inevitable.Therefore, if you say good things at this time, you have to make corresponding adjustments according to the other party's experience and understanding of things.For example, for a person with little experience and a relatively shallow understanding of things, if you say good things to him, you must drop to his corresponding level. You can't talk big or empty words, otherwise, the other party will think you are making fun of him; On the contrary, if you are a person with high experience and own understanding of things, you must use some high-level good words to satisfy the vanity of the other party, so as to leave a deep impression on the other party.But the premise of all this is to do it at the right time. You can't say it when the other party is in a bad mood or even when the work is not going well, otherwise it will be counterproductive.

The last thing to note is that in the process of conversation, everyone has a desire to express themselves, and at the same time, they also have inner psychological needs to be discovered, recognized, and appreciated.Therefore, when talking with the other party, you must satisfy the other party’s desire. You can’t just say good things to the other party blindly, and leave a little space for the other party to savor your good words slowly, just like eating a delicious delicacy. Allow enough time to taste it, and don't drink it like drinking boiled water when you are thirsty.If you are only keen on expressing yourself and belittle the performance of others, if you talk about everything about yourself and dismiss everything about others, you will inevitably create a bad impression of boasting and self-indulgence, and eventually good words will become empty words .

In this modern commercial society, it is even more important to know how to speak and how to say good things. The following story can be used as a lesson for the past:
George is a well-known tycoon in California, USA, with assets exceeding US$10 billion.One year, he and his business partner David flew from California to a big city in China, planning to invest and build a factory there, so he needed to find a partner.After many efforts, three days later, George finally sat down at the negotiating table, and the object of the negotiation with him was the leader of a large enterprise in our country.The reason why this leader can sit at the negotiating table is that George admires his shrewdness and ability to understand market conditions.Especially when George heard the leader's grand vision for the joint venture, he seemed to have seen the bright future of the joint venture.But when he was about to sign the contract, he suddenly heard the leader talking proudly: "Our company has more than 2000 employees, and last year, we created a total of more than 700 million yuan in profits and taxes. The strength is absolutely strong..."

Hearing this, George was immediately stunned, and he secretly calculated: 700 million yuan converted into US dollars is more than 90 yuan, and a company with more than 2000 people only makes such a small amount of money a year; moreover, this leader actually He also showed great pride and satisfaction. It seems that after the cooperation, this enterprise will definitely disappoint George very much, because the gap with his predetermined profit target is too big.Fortunately, the contract has not been signed yet, so George decided to immediately terminate the cooperation negotiations.

Seeing that the investment that was about to come in hand flew away like this, the reason was only because of one sentence, and it was still because of one good word.Just imagine if the leader could keep quiet for a while, wouldn't this matter be settled?Therefore, it can only mean that the leader has not found the right time to speak, and even said that he has not learned how to speak after working in the mall for several years, and he still does not know what to say on what occasion. A large investment has caused great economic losses to the country!

Good words are not applicable at all times, and it does not mean that they can bring benefits to oneself at all times, but it depends on the timing.When the timing is right, it's strength; when it's not, it's a hindrance!
speak well of others behind their backs

Saying good things about others behind their backs can get twice the result with half the effort.

When your kind words are said behind your back, they are perceived as coming from the heart and without personal motives.

"Speaking good things about others behind their backs" is a detail of being a good person.When a person speaks well of others, it is different from speaking in person and behind the back, and the effect will be different.If you say it to your face, people think you are just flattering him and currying favor with him.When your kind words are said behind your back, they are perceived as coming from the heart and without personal motives.Its benefits can not only serve as an example to more people, but also make the person being said feel the authenticity and sincerity of the praise after hearing the good words "passed" by others, thus satisfying the sense of honor. At the same time, it enhances self-motivation and trust in those who speak good words.

Imagine, if someone told you that so-and-so said a lot of good things about you behind your back, would you not be happy?If such good words are said to you in front of you, it may backfire, making you feel fake, or doubt whether the other party is sincere.Why do those who hear it indirectly feel particularly pleasant?That's because you firmly believe that the other person is sincerely complimenting you.

There is such a plot in "Dream of Red Mansions": Shi Xiangyun and Xue Baochai persuade Jia Baoyu to become an official. Jia Baoyu is very disgusted, and praises Lin Daiyu to Shi Xiangyun and Xiren, saying: Miss Lin has never said such stupid words!If she'd said those bastard things, I'd have broken up with her long ago.Coincidentally, Daiyu was coming out of the window at this time, and overheard Jia Baoyu saying good things about herself, she was surprised and happy, sad and sighed.As a result, the two of Bao Dai talked to each other, and their relationship increased greatly.Why did Daiyu change so much before and after?The main reason is that, in Lin Daiyu's view, among Xiangyun, Baochai, and herself, Baoyu only praised herself, and she didn't know that she would hear it. Such kind words were not only rare, but also unintentional.If Baoyu had said this in front of Daiyu, Lin Daiyu, who was suspicious and petty, would probably have said that Baoyu was teasing her or trying to curry favor with her.

It seems to be a kind of human nature to like to listen to good things.When compliments from society and others satisfy their self-esteem and sense of honor, people can't help but feel joy and encouragement, and have a sense of intimacy with the speaker. At this time, the psychological distance between each other will be shortened by a good word , close, naturally created the necessary conditions for the success of communication.

Praising others behind their backs can greatly express the speaker's "heart" and "honesty", which has the effect of getting twice the result with half the effort.Saying good things about others behind their backs is far more effective than complimenting others in person.The good things we say about other people behind their backs can easily reach the other party's ears.

Bismarck, the "iron chancellor" in German history, in order to win over a congressman who was hostile to him, planned to speak well of that congressman in front of others.Bismarck knew that after those people heard what he said to the congressman, they would definitely pass on his words to that congressman.Later, the two became friends who talked about everything.People often like to hear nice words, even if they know that the other party is speaking flattery, they will still be complacent. This is the weakness of human nature.A man is never disgusted when he hears a good thing said about him, unless the other says something very outrageous.As a science, the mystery and charm of speaking well are infinite.However, the most effective kind words are said in front of a third party.

90.00% of our normal conversations are actually small talk.For that kind of bad character, the topic is always centered on discussing and slandering people, or exalting themselves by accusing others of their faults.This kind of person is a person with extremely low self-esteem. He has no real ability to express himself, and can only increase his own social status by picking on others' shortcomings. Such a person is disgusting.

Yuhua's company has been doing business with foreign trade companies for a long time.The big fat manager Xu of the foreign trade company can be said to be their God of Wealth.One day, in the company, Yuhua tried her best to persuade Manager Xu to expand the scope of trade with them, but failed after a lot of effort.As soon as Manager Xu left, Yuhua became annoyed and said, "Look at Fatty Xu, when you stand at the gate of the company, mosquitoes can only fly in if you turn your body sideways; his shorts must have been worn by his wife with two rice bags. Changed it." At this moment, Manager Xu just came back to pick up the bag.Although others kept giving Yuhua winks, he became more and more complacent as he talked, and he didn't notice that Manager Xu was behind him at all.After a while, Yuhua realized that people were not laughing anymore. When she turned around, she happened to see Manager Xu's purple face, and Yuhua's embarrassment at that time was forgotten.Others quickly smoothed things over: "Yuhua, this guy just hates his mouth." Yuhua also hurriedly apologized with a smile on his face, saying that he likes to joke.Manager Xu left without saying a word.Afterwards, although Yuhua invited Manager Xu to dinner many times and tried every means to make an apology, the relationship never returned to the way it was before, and the cooperation business also decreased a lot.This is the price of speaking ill of people behind their backs.

There is such a rule in being a person and doing things: when you judge others, you yourself are judged by others.A person who often speaks ill of others, picks on their shortcomings, and accuses others of their mistakes will only make people feel that he is picky and difficult to get along with, and people will feel that his quality is bad and he will be bored with him.If you always think that this is not good, that is not good, and everyone has problems, then it only means that you are not good at getting along with others and you have problems.It is through your judgment of others that others judge who you are.

In reality, we often see such a phenomenon: when parents want their children to study hard, it is still difficult to obtain some results by teaching them face-to-face all day long.However, if the child knows from other people's parents' expectations and care for him, and the parents have devoted a lot of effort to themselves, they will have great motivation.Another example is that when you are a subordinate, your boss usually says a lot of words of encouragement in front of you, but you still don’t feel much. But one day, when you hear the appreciation from your boss from a third party, you are deeply moved, and have been even more grateful ever since. Work hard to repay the favor of your boss for "knowing you".Saying good things about a person in front of others is the most effective way to make your relationship with that person harmonious.If a stranger said to you: "XX friend often told me that you are a great person!" I believe you will feel moved spontaneously.Then, if we want to make the other party feel happy, we should adopt this strategy of saying good things about people behind their backs.Because this kind of compliment is more comforting than a burly man saying to you, "Sir, I am your admirer", and it is easier to believe its authenticity.This method not only pleases the other party, but also has the advantage of showing realism.

speak to others

The deepest essence of human nature is the desire to be valued.

To speak well, the key lies in whether the words can reach the heart of others and touch their heartstrings.

Speaking is a process of conveying information. Improving one's language expression ability and speaking well is not only related to whether the speaker can express his thoughts accurately and fluently, but also depends on whether the thoughts and information you express can contribute to The audience accepts and resonates.In other words, to speak well, the key lies in whether the words can reach the heart of others and touch their heartstrings.

Franklin said in his autobiography: "When I was restraining my words and deeds, when I was making me more mature and more reasonable, I used to have a checklist of words and deeds. At the beginning, there were only twelve items listed on the list. Virtue, Later, a friend told me that I have some pride, which often shows in conversation, which makes people feel arrogant. So I immediately took note of the advice given by this friend, and believed that it would be enough to affect me. Prospects. Then I made a special list of humility on the list to pay special attention to what I said. Now, I try to avoid everything that directly offends or hurts other people's feelings, and even prohibits all certain words, such as: 'Of course' , 'certainly', etc., and use 'maybe', 'I think' instead."

Shenzhen tram model conductor Wang Ping not only has the enthusiasm to serve passengers wholeheartedly, but also has heart-warming words.Her eloquence made her speak deeply to the heartstrings of passengers, and enabled her to create extraordinary achievements in ordinary jobs.How does she work?One day, there were many passengers in the car, and at this time a woman with a child came up.So Wang Ping said to the passengers as usual: "Which comrade will give up a seat to this lesbian who is holding a baby." But she asked twice, but no one responded.Wang Ping was not in a hurry, she stood up slowly, looked expectantly at the young men by the window, and raised her voice: "The lesbian who is holding the child, please go in, the few who are sitting by the window All the young men wanted to give up their seats to you, but they just didn’t see you.” As soon as the words fell, there was a “Hula”, and several young men stood up and gave up their seats at the same time.After the lesbian sat down, she took a breather and forgot to thank the young man who gave up her seat. The young man showed displeasure.Wang Ping saw it in her eyes and understood in her heart. She took a break from her busy schedule and teased the child, saying, "Little friend, uncle gave you a seat. You still don't thank uncle." Reminding the woman, she quickly patted the child and said "Thank you uncle, thank you uncle." When the young man heard "thank you uncle", he said repeatedly: "You're welcome." Why did Wang Ping's few words produce such a great magic power?Because she understands people's self-esteem, and only when she fully understands people's self-esteem can she speak to people's hearts.

The famous American philosopher James once said: "The deepest essence of human nature is the desire to be valued by others." Great achievements - from the ancient Great Wall to modern spaceships.

When we talk to people, if we want to speak to people's hearts and receive the effect of "heart-to-heart connection", we must understand people's reasonable needs and cherish people's self-esteem. To do this, we must Always pay attention to "changing angles", that is, to be good at "standing on the other side's standpoint and observing problems from the other side's point of view, just like using your point of view."

If in social activities, we cannot choose the appropriate form of language according to the psychology of the communicative object and dampen the self-esteem of others, what will be the consequences?
Zhan Liying is kind-hearted, warm to others, and often gives the most selfless help to others, but the people around her hate her a little.Why is this?It turned out that Zhan Liying violated the principles that should be followed in verbal communication in social interactions.Therefore, although her subjective wish was very good, it turned out to be the opposite.There is nothing wrong with acquaintances, colleagues, and friends communicating "casually" to enhance friendship.However, this kind of "casualness" should be kept to a certain degree, and there should be a limit, because everyone has his own mysterious corner in his heart. When talking, we should take care of the other person's self-esteem, so as not to put people in an embarrassing situation.Zhan Liying didn't think about these things at all, and she announced loudly to a female colleague who was ashamed of getting fat: "Hey, are you gaining weight again? What did your lover do for you to feed you so fat?" Zhan Liying didn't have the slightest malice in this series of verbal signals, but these words undoubtedly aroused the other party's resentment and even anger, which caused the original intimate relationship between the two parties to fission, not only failing to achieve the purpose of intimacy, but also greatly pulling apart. psychological distance between the two parties.

Everyone may have this kind of life experience. Some people help others enthusiastically in terms of behavior and material, but due to improper wording on specific occasions, the gratitude of the other party evaporates and disappears. Zhan Liying is such a person .For example: she bought a beautiful brooch for a bride, and she was very grateful, but she commented on the clothes: "Oh, your suit is really well cut, but the color-it's not the same as your inside." The shirt is too uncoordinated! Why do you have to match it with peach, red, willow and green fields? It should be decorated with something in the middle of the transitional color, just to balance it out.” People always like to hear some auspicious words when they hold weddings. She had dressed up for the wedding, but she said that she was "pink and willow green".Therefore, although Zhan Liying's actions moved the person she communicated with, her speech made him unhappy.It can be seen from this that when helping others, we should act more and speak less.Zhan Liying didn't understand this reason, so she didn't receive the expected communication effect.

Zhan Liying's words and deeds are a mirror for exploring the laws of verbal communication, and we should take precautions in the process of verbal communication.

speak in the other person's shoes

For people who are not easy to persuade, the best way is to make the other person think that you are on the same side as him.

If there is any secret to success, it is to put yourself in other people's shoes and understand their attitudes and perspectives.

Confucius said: "Don't do to others what you don't want to be done to you." Jesus said: "Treat others as you want others to treat you." These two famous sayings are accurate annotations of transposition.There are different ways of speaking, and there are different techniques.There is no bad thing to say in the world, the key depends on whether you will change your mind, stand in the position of the other party, and think about others first.

A lady from an insurance company interviewed Mr. Li at the appointed time of telephone contact.

As soon as she entered the door, she went straight to the point and explained her intentions: "Mr. Li, I am here specially to invite you, your wife and children to buy life insurance."

Unexpectedly, Mr. Li responded with one sentence: "Insurance is a scam!" The lady was not angry, but still asked with a smile: "Oh, this is the first time I heard of it, can you tell me about it?" Mr. Li said : "If my wife and I insure 3000 yuan, 3000 yuan can buy a compatible computer now, and the 20 yuan we get back 3000 years later may not even be able to buy a color TV." The lady asked curiously again: "What about that?" And why?"

Mr. Li quickly replied: "Once inflation rises, the currency will depreciate, and the money will not be spent." The lady asked again: "In your opinion, will it be inflation after 10 or 20 years? Mr. Li hesitated for a while and said: "I don't dare to conclude, judging from the situation in the past two years, there is such a possibility." The lady asked again: "Are there other factors?" Mr. Li hesitated and said : "For example, affected by fluctuations in the international market, maybe..." Then the lady asked: "Are there any other factors?"

Mr. Li was finally speechless.Through such questioning, the lady has a basic understanding of Mr. Li's inner worries.

So the lady first defended Mr. Li's position: "Your opinion has some truth. If the price rises sharply for 20 years, 3000 yuan will not be enough to buy a black and white TV set, I am afraid it will only be enough to buy two green onions." Mr. Li heard Here, I was very happy, but then this shrewd lady explained to Mr. Li the necessity of price reform in the past few years and the various factors that affect the current price, and further analyzed that our government will never allow inflation like the old society. The reason for this happened, and pointed out that with Mr. Li's talent and strength, his income is expected to increase significantly.Regarding these words, although Mr. Li has heard others say it more than once, they are not as cordial as they feel today.Finally, the lady added: "Even if prices rise a little, it is better to have insurance than to have no insurance. Besides, our company has already considered these factors, and the customer's insurance money has interest. Of course! I am so young to say this in front of you, It’s really a bit tricky, and I hope you can give me some advice...” It’s strange to say that after she said this, Mr. Li began to smile and chat happily. Of course, the sales lady succeeded.

What is the secret of this young lady's success?It is to think from the standpoint of the other party, put yourself in the shoes of the other party, discover the interests and requirements of the other party, and then guide them, understand them with reason, move them with emotion, make the other party agree with her thoughts, and finally make them accept.If instead of getting in step with the customers first, and launching a "revolutionary criticism" against Mr. Li's view that "insurance is a scam", then there is no hope of persuading Mr. Li to buy insurance.

If you want people to believe that you are right and act according to your opinions, people need to like you, otherwise you will not be successful, but if you can't put yourself in other people's shoes, find out what is exciting and hot about others Possible success?
There is a TV station that has a weekly program on lectures on life issues. It is said that the ratings are much higher than other programs at the same time.Of course, there are many reasons for the high ratings, but the most important one is the ingenious dialogue in the program, which makes people never get tired of watching it.

Most of the audience friends who come to TV for advice when they have difficult problems, at the beginning, they will object or justify the various advices given by the answerers, and they seem very reluctant to accept what the other party said.But over time, I unconsciously nodded yes to every sentence the answerer said.Seeing these pictures, it really feels deeper than watching a movie in a movie theater.All TV hosts or questioners are carefully selected, so just listening to their persuasion methods can also benefit a lot.

For people who are not easy to persuade, the best way is to make the other person think that you are on the same side as him.Divorced women make up the majority of audience friends who usually appear on TV programs that discuss life-related issues.At this time, the person in charge of answering the question said a sentence: "If I were you, I would forgive him and never break up with him."

Don't think that the "if I were you" in the words is just a short and simple sentence, but you don't know that the effect it can exert is limitless.And this is precisely because everyone has the psychology of thinking "I am the cutest".

Carnegie once used a hotel auditorium to give lectures.One day, he suddenly received a notice that the rent would be tripled.Carnegie went to negotiate with the manager.He said: "I was a bit shocked when I was notified, but it's not your fault. If I were you, I would do the same. Because you are the manager of the hotel, your job is to make the hotel as profitable as possible." Immediately afterwards, Carnegie calculated an account for him, using the auditorium for dances and evening parties, and of course he will make big profits. "But if you drive me out, you're also driving out thousands of educated middle-level managers, and their visit to your hotel is a live advertisement that you can't buy with your money. So, which one is more beneficial? What?" The manager was persuaded by him.

The reason why Carnegie succeeded in persuading the manager is that when he said "If I were you, I would do the same", he had completely stood on the manager's side.Then, he calculated an account from the manager's point of view, grasping the manager's excitement - profit, so that the manager willingly added the weight of the balance to Carnegie's side.

Ford, the car king, once said: If there is any secret to success, it is to put yourself in other people's shoes and understand their attitudes and viewpoints.Because in this way, not only can you gain communication and understanding with the other party, but you can also understand the other party's thought trajectory and the "key points" in it more clearly, so that you can be targeted and hit the "key points".

Do not talk about proud things in front of frustrated people
When talking about your pride, focus on the occasion and the object.

Frustrated people are the most vulnerable and the most heartbroken. Your comments are full of irony and mockery to him.

Mount Tai does not let the soil, so it can become its height; the ocean does not choose the trickle, so it can be as deep as possible.In this world, it is impossible for everything to go well, not to mention that no one is perfect, everyone will be frustrated, so when you face frustrated people, you should learn to be tolerant.

Generally speaking, a frustrated person hopes to have a listener to listen to his complaints. Therefore, at this time, we should listen more and talk less, and then choose the right time to sincerely echo, showing that you empathize with him, can understand him, and can understand him. Share the pain of disappointment with him.

One day, Xiao Liu invited some friends to dinner at his house, and these people were all his old friends.He had brought them together mainly to cheer up a friend who was currently in a low mood, by means of a lively atmosphere.

Not long ago, this friend had to close down the company due to poor management, and his wife was also discussing divorce with him because of the current pressure of life. Internal and external troubles, he is very distressed now.

All the friends who came to dinner knew what happened to this friend, so everyone avoided talking about career-related matters. However, one of them, because he was making a lot of money, couldn't help but start talking about his money after drinking. Xiao Liu felt a little uncomfortable looking at his skill and spending money, that kind of complacent expression.The frustrated friend bowed his head in silence, his face was very ugly, he went to the toilet for a while, washed his face for a while, and then found an excuse to leave early.

When Xiao Liu sent him to the alley, he said angrily: "Old Li can make money, so you don't have to tell me!"

Xiao Liu understands his feelings very well at this time, because he has also experienced the low ebb of his career before. His relatives showed off his salary, high-end house, and expensive cars in front of him. It's like it's stuck in his heart, it's as sad as it is!

Therefore, we must pay attention when we get along with others, and remember not to talk about your pride in front of the frustrated!If you are proud, it is not easy for you not to talk about it. Who doesn't want others to see their high spirits.So there is nothing to blame this kind of person.But when you talk about your pride, it depends on the occasion and the person. You can talk about it in a public place of speech, talk to your employees, enjoy the admiration they cast on you, and even talk to strangers on the side of the road, but don’t talk about frustration. Talk to people who are frustrated, because frustrated people are the most vulnerable and the most hearted. Your comments are full of irony and mockery to him, making the frustrated person feel that you "look down" on him.Of course some people don't care, you say what you say, and he listens to him, but there are not many people who are so bold and unrestrained.Therefore, the elation you are talking about is a kind of injury to most frustrated people, and only those who have experienced it know this feeling.

Not talking about your triumphs in front of frustrated people is not only a moral consideration, but also a interpersonal consideration.But you must pay attention to one thing, even if there is no one who is frustrated, there will always be people who are not as good as you. Your pride may still make them feel disgusted. People are always jealous, you must admit this!Of course, if you don't know that the other party is justly frustrated, it's another matter.In general, frustrated people are less aggressive, and being unhappy is the most common type, but don't think that's all they are.After listening to you talk about your pride, they will generally have a resentful rebellious mentality!This is a counterattack against your dissatisfaction that goes deep into the psychological depths!You speak so frothyly that your face is flushed, but you don't know that you have planted a bomb in the heart of the frustrated, and you never know when it will explode.No matter how much loss the frustrated person takes to vent their hatred, at least it is a crisis in your interpersonal relationship, which is definitely not good for you.So, when you have something to be proud of, whether it’s a promotion, a fortune, or everything going well, don’t talk about it in front of someone who is frustrated. If you don’t know that someone is frustrated, forget it. If you know, never open your mouth. .

However, the frustrated person's hatred towards you will not be manifested immediately because he is unable to manifest it, but he will vent his hatred in various ways, such as saying bad things about you, dragging you down, and deliberately being your enemy. The main purpose is to see How long are you proud of!The most obvious is to alienate you, avoid meeting you, so as not to hear about your triumphs again, and you will lose a friend without knowing it!Therefore, talk less when you are proud, and have a more humble attitude.

Seek stability and speak more freely
There are two kinds of words that need to be said more: one is praise that is not outrageous, and the other is promises that may not be fulfilled immediately.

If you want to get along well with others, you must always consider others, try to be considerate of others, maintain their self-esteem, and never expose their shortcomings!
In dealing with the world, to avoid conflicts and seek security in stability, it is necessary to talk about the scene.Among them, there are two kinds of words that need to be said more: one is praise that is not outrageous, and the other is promises that may not be fulfilled immediately.

A wise man once said, to speak with wise people, rely on extensive knowledge; to speak with knowledgeable people, rely on the ability of discrimination; to speak with eloquent people, you must be concise; If you want to talk to your subordinates, you must use benefits to persuade him; if others don't want to do things, don't force them; if the other party likes, imitate and obey him; if the other party hates, Just avoid talking about it.If you can do this, you have made good use of your tongue.Because of this, we should "follow what we like" and say more things that please us when we behave in the world.

After Han Gaozu Liu Bang pacified the world, he began to reward meritorious deeds.Liu Bang believed that Xiao He contributed the most.Everyone said that "Pingyang Hou Cao Shen was injured seven times, and he conquered the city and conquered the territory. He has made the most contribution and should be ranked first."But Liu Bang still wanted to rank Xiao He first.

At this time, the Guannei Hou Ejun had figured out Liu Bang's intentions, and regardless of the objections of the ministers, he stepped forward and said: "The comments of the ministers are all wrong! Although Cao Can has the credit for conquering the city, it is only a temporary achievement. The emperor and Chu The Overlord fought for five years, and often lost his troops and fled everywhere. Xiao He often sent troops from Guanzhong to fill the gaps in the battle line. Chu and Han fought in Xingyang for several years. The army lacked food, and it was Xiao He who transported food to supply Guanzhong. It will not be in short supply. Besides, the emperor fled to Shandong several times, and it was only by Xiao He's protection of Guanzhong that he was able to help the emperor. We don't need to rely on him to preserve the Han Dynasty! I advocate Xiao He first, and Cao Shen second." Liu Bang was very happy after hearing this, and ranked Xiao He first.

In dealing with people, in order to make others have a good impression of themselves, or to save their own face, or to give the other party a step down, some people often accept some requests made by the other party without analysis, and as a result they make themselves feeling bad.Therefore, you must learn to say no.Generally speaking, it is indeed not easy to refuse the request of others.Begging is certainly a difficult thing, but when someone begs you and you have to refuse, it is also a headache.Because everyone has self-esteem and hopes to be valued by others, and at the same time we don't want others to be unhappy, so it is difficult to say no.Therefore, use the words of the scene to dismiss first, help if you can, and find a reason if you can't help or don't want to help.However, to say this kind of scene well, not only courage is needed, but also skill is needed.Otherwise, if you are too embarrassed to say what you have to say, you will be the one who is in trouble.

Be measured when talking. Once you touch the privacy or weaknesses of the other party, it is equivalent to stepping into a social "minefield".Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. To make good use of "avoiding conflicts and seeking stability while maintaining stability", the key is to be good at discovering the strengths of the other person, rather than grabbing other people's privacy and pain points to make a big fuss.

Ming Taizu Zhu Yuanzhang was born in a poor family, so after he became emperor, it was inevitable that former poor buddies would come to the capital to look for him.A good friend of Zhu Yuanzhang who grew up naked in childhood traveled all the way from his hometown Fengyang to Nanjing, and finally entered the palace after many twists and turns.As soon as we met, the old man yelled: "Oh, Zhu Lao Si, you are so majestic when you become the emperor! Do you still recognize me? Back then we played together with bare buttocks, and you always let me do bad things. I was beaten for you. I remember one time we stole beans together and cooked them in a broken earthen pot behind our backs. You snatched the beans before they were cooked, and the earthen pot was smashed, and the beans were scattered all over the floor. You eat too fast, and I helped you get the beans stuck in your throat. Why, I don’t remember!” Zhu Yuanzhang lost his sense of humor, and exposed his shortcomings in front of the beauties of the harem and all the servants, and let this man be the emperor where to put his face.In a rage, Zhu Yuanzhang ordered him to be beaten and expelled from the palace.

This is the fate of exposing people's shortcomings. "Exposing shortcomings" is sometimes intentional, and it is a weapon used by two hostile parties to attack each other. "Exposing shortcomings" is sometimes unintentional. It is because of some reason that you accidentally violated the taboo of the other party.But in general, whether you intend to or not, exposing others' shortcomings in dealing with others will hurt the self-esteem of the other party, at the slightest, it will affect the relationship between the two parties, and at the worst, it will lead to the breakdown of friendship.

To deal with others without revealing their shortcomings, we must understand each other's strengths and weaknesses.Only in this way can we "know the enemy and know ourselves, and never be imperiled in a hundred battles."Be good at choosing good and discarding evil, praise others' strengths more, and try to avoid the other's shortcomings and mistakes. "A good man would like to mention his courage in the past", no one wants to mention his dishonorable page.

Sometimes, the shortcomings and mistakes of the other party cannot be avoided, and you must face them directly. When you point out the shortcomings and shortcomings of the other party, you must take the occasion into account and don't hurt the other party's face.At this time, it is necessary to adopt euphemistic and implicit statements to avoid conflicts.In particular, we should pay attention to "avoid what others are afraid of". When facing some unsatisfactory things in life, it is best not to actively bring up these topics that may embarrass the other party.

Communicating with others is a kind of knowledge. If you want to get along well with others, you must always consider others, try to be considerate of others, maintain their self-esteem, and never expose others!
(End of this chapter)