Pride and Prejudice; Sense and Sensibility

Chapter 114 The Inner Confession of a Rainy Night Visitor (1)
When Eleanor saw him, she took a step back in shock, and couldn't help turning around and walking away.She had just grasped the lock handle and wanted to open the door to leave, but she didn't want to be stopped by Willoughby. His voice was not so much a plea, but an order:
"Miss Dashwood, please stay--half an hour--ten minutes!"

"No, sir," replied Elinor resolutely, "I don't want to stay. You will have nothing to do with me. I think the servant forgot to tell you that Mr. Palmer is not at home."

"Even if they told me," cried Willoughby passionately, "that Mr. Palmer and his whole family are gone to hell, they would never try to throw me out. I came for you, and you alone."

"Find me!" said Elinor, in the utmost astonishment. "Well, sir—come on—don't be so excited, if you can."

"Sit down, please. I can do both."

Eleanor hesitated for a moment, a little at a loss.She suddenly had a thought: maybe Colonel Bland would bump into him here.However, she promised to listen to him, not only to be trustworthy, but also to be curious.She thought about it for a moment, and felt that it would be better for him to finish speaking quickly for the sake of prudence.And to finish talking quickly, all she could do was to obey him, so she walked quietly to the table and sat down.Willoughby sat down in the chair opposite, and for half a minute neither of them spoke.

"Be quick, sir," said Elinor impatiently, "I have no time to spare."

Willoughby sat as if in thought, and did not seem to hear her.

After a while he said suddenly: "Your sister is out of danger. I heard it from the servant. Thank God! But is it true? Is it true?"

Eleanor was silent.Willoughby repeated the question with more eagerness:
"For God's sake, tell me she's out of danger?"

"We hope she's out of danger."

Willoughby rose and walked across the room.

"If I had known all this half an hour ago--but now that I've come"--he resumed his seat, and said with forced gaiety--"what does it matter? Miss Dashwood —Maybe it's our last time—let's just see each other happily. I'm very interested now. Tell me honestly,"—his cheeks flushed—"do you think I A villain or a fool?"

Eleanor looked at him even more surprised.She thought he must be drunk.Otherwise, it would be difficult to explain his strange visit and behavior.Thinking of this, she immediately stood up and said:
"Mr. Willoughby, I advise you to return to Combe now. I have no time to chat with you. Whatever you want from me, it is best to wait until tomorrow, when you can think more thoughtfully and explain clearly. .”

"I understand you," said Willoughby, with a meaningful smile, and his voice was quite composed. "Yes, I was very drunk. I had some cold beef at Marlborough, and a pint of stout, and I was drunk."

"At Marlborough!" cried Elinor, more and more at a loss as to what his intentions were.

"Yes—I left London at eight o'clock this morning, and since then I have only been out of the carriage ten minutes to have a little dinner at Marlborough."

Willoughby's steady demeanor, and his quiet, bright eyes, as he spoke, made Elinor realize that, whatever his unforgivably foolish motives for coming to Cleveland, he had not come here drunk.Eleanor thought for a moment and said:

"Mr. Willoughby, you should understand, and I do think so—that after what has happened, you must have had a very special reason for coming here and insisting on my seeing you. .What is the purpose of your coming here?"

"I mean," said Willoughby, solemnly and emphatically, "that, if possible, you should not hate me as much as you do now. I would like to explain the past, to make a little apology--to tell the whole truth." I'll let you hear it, and convince you: I've been a fool, but I haven't always been a villain—in order to get some kind of pardon from your sister--Mr."

"Is this the real reason you came here?"

"It is, I swear, it is," answered Willoughby, with such earnestness that it reminded Elinor of the old Willoughby.She could not help feeling that he was sincere.

"If it was all for that, you would have been content, because Marianne has forgiven you—she has forgiven you."

"Really!" cried Willoughby, with equal eagerness, "then she has forgiven me when she should not have. But she will forgive me again, and for better reason. Well, now Will you listen to me?"

Eleanor nodded in agreement.

Looking forward, she saw Willoughby think for a moment, and then said: "I don't know how you understand my behavior towards your sister, or what evil motives you think I have had. Perhaps you don't at all." You'll look down on me, but it's still worth a try anyway, I want to tell you the whole story. When I first met your family, I didn't have other intentions or other intentions, just wanted to make myself I have had a better time in Devonshire, in fact more than ever. Your sister's lovely figure and charming manners cannot fail to appeal to me. And she has been to me almost from the first. Kind of—recalling her now, and thinking of her, it's astonishing that I didn't realize it at the time! But it must be admitted that at first it was only my vanity. I didn't care about her. I thought only of my own happiness, and let the passions I had always indulged in stir up trouble in my heart, so I tried every means to please her, and did not want to repay her affection."

At this, Miss Dashwood cast him a look of extreme anger and contempt, and interrupted him, saying:
"Mr. Willoughby, you needn't say any more, and I don't want to hear any more. Talks like this lead to no meaningful result, and don't be distressed by what you say."

"I must make you listen," replied Willoughby. "My fortune has never been very large, and I have always spent money freely, and have always loved the company of people who have more income than I have. The debts increased every year until I came of age, and though I would be rescued as soon as my cousin Mrs. To revive the family business. Therefore, it never occurred to me to marry your sister. I have been playing around like this, trying to win your sister's favor on the one hand, and not thinking about how to return her affection on the other hand. I am so mean and selfish , Cruelty--for that, Miss Dashwood, and even you, cannot reproach me too much, however indignantly, however contemptuously, but I can explain to myself that my selfish and odious I don't know how much harm I have caused others, because I didn't understand what love is at the time. But did I understand it later? It is doubtful, because if I really loved her, I would Would I sacrifice my feelings for vanity and greed? Besides, would I have sacrificed hers? But I did. All I wanted was to avoid poverty... In fact, with her love, with her as a companion, be poorer It's not terrible. But now that I've made a fortune, I've lost everything that could have brought me happiness."

"So," said Elinor softly, "are you sure you loved her?"

"Who wouldn't be tempted to see such beauty and tenderness! What man in the world can do that! Yes, I found that I fell in love with her from the bottom of my heart unconsciously. The happiest person in my life The time was spent with her. At that time, I felt that my heart was pure and my feelings were sincere. However, although I made up my mind to woo her at that time, because I did not want to be engaged to her under the most embarrassing circumstances, I therefore I still procrastinate from day to day in a most inappropriate way. I don't want to argue here - and I don't want you to tell me how absurd I am. It's worse than stupidity to hesitate recklessly when it's a duty. .for it turned out that I was a cunning fool who, after trying so hard to find a good opportunity to disgrace myself, became an eternal disgrace. At last, however, I made up my mind that as soon as I had the chance to see her alone, just to show her that I've been courting her, to tell her publicly that I love her. In fact, I've tried my best to show that love. But at this point - just in the next few hours, I can be with her privately. While we were talking, something happened—an unlucky thing that ruined my determination and my happiness. My business was exposed..." When he said this, he hesitated, and he couldn't help but hang his head, "Mrs. Smith heard about it somehow, and I think some distant relative told me about my affairs, my associations with other people--but I didn't need to. Explain it yourself," he added, flushing and looking at Eleanor inquiringly, "you and Colonel Bland are very close—you've probably heard all about it."

"Yes," replied Elinor, flushing likewise, but hardening her heart and resolving to have no pity for him. "I've heard it all. Frankly, I can't fathom how you'd want to absolve yourself of any guilt in this horrific incident."

"Consider, please," cried Willoughby, "from whom have you been told. Would it be fair? I admit that Eliza's person and personhood are worthy of my respect. I do not wish to vindicate myself, but I can't make you think that I have nothing to say, but because she is hurt, she is blameless? Just because I am a libertine, she must be an angel? If her strong feelings and lack of reason —However, I do not mean to defend myself. She was affectionate to me, and deserved better, and I have often remembered with reproach her tenderness, which for a short period Guilt is momentarily overwhelming, and I wish—I wish with all my heart, if only it had happened. Not only have I hurt myself, but I've hurt another person whose affection for me (May I say so?) Just as good as that girl, the man's heart--oh! how noble!"

"However, your indifference to that unfortunate girl--though I do not wish to speak of such matters at all, I must say--is not to justify your cruel abandonment of her. You must not Thinking that she could justify your own cruelty by citing her frailty and natural lack of reason. You should know that while you were in Devonshire looking for new pleasures and gaily pursuing new ones, she fell into a state of poverty."

"But, on my honor, I was not aware of the situation," replied Willoughby eagerly, "and it did not occur to me that I had forgotten to give her my address, which, besides, she could have found out by common sense. .”

"Well, sir, what did Mrs. Smith say?"

"As soon as she saw me she reproached me for a mistake, and you can imagine my confusion. She was a pure-hearted, orthodox, unworldly person—all of which worked against me. I cannot deny the fact itself, But it is futile to make big things small. I believe that she has already had a general understanding of my behavior, has become suspicious of me, and has not paid enough attention to her during my visit and spent little time on In her, there was dissatisfaction. In a word, it led to a complete break. There is only one way I can be saved--a good woman, who takes morals very seriously--who promised me that if I would marry Eliza, she would let it go. It was impossible - so she officially announced that she no longer liked me and kicked me out of the house. The night after it happened - I had to leave the next morning - I was thinking about it all night What to do next. The battle of ideas is fierce--but it is over too soon. I love Marianne, and I am sure she loves me--but none of this is enough to overcome my fear of poverty, or my love of money. Rich wrong thinking. I already had this kind of thinking, and I often mixed with some luxurious people, which further contributed to these wrong thinking. I was completely convinced that I was sure enough to get my current wife. As long as I am willing to propose to her. I thought that even with common sense and careful consideration, there would be no other way out. But before I had time to leave Devonshire, I encountered an embarrassing situation. On that day , I have agreed to dine with you, so I must find an excuse to apologize for not being able to come. But I have been hesitant whether to write a letter or to speak to my face. Go see Marianne, I feel terrible. I even Not sure if I would stick to my decision when I saw her again. But it turns out that I underestimated my strength on this point; because I went, saw her, found her miserable, and when I left her she It still hurts - I left her and hope never to see her again."

"Mr. Willoughby, why are you going?" said Elinor reproachfully. "A letter is enough. What need is there to go?"

"For the sake of face, I have to go. I can't bear to walk away from the country like this, and let you and your neighbors suspect that something really happened between me and Mrs. Smith, so I decided to go to Honey. Stopped by Barton Cottage on the way. But seeing your sister is really scary. And what's worse, she's the only one at home. You don't know where you are. When I left her, I made up my mind that I would be worthy of her: in a few hours I would make a deal of my life with her. I remember how happy I was, walking from the cottage to Allenham, What a joy. I'm smug, happy to be with everyone. But, in this last meeting of our amicability, I approached her with a feeling of guilt, beyond my ability to hide my feelings. None. When I told her I had to leave Devon at once, she was so miserable, so disappointed, so upset--I'll never forget it. And she still trusted me so much, so trusting! Oh, God ! What a cruel rascal I am!"

The two were silent for a while.Eleanor spoke first:

"Did you tell her you'd be back soon?"

"I don't know what was told to her," replied Willoughby impatiently. "I don't remember what was said to her at the time. It must have been less about what should have been said before, and less about what was to come." Well, nine times out of ten, there were some empty words that didn't deliver. I can't remember what was said—it's no use thinking. Then your dear mother came in, and she was so kind and confiding that it made me suffer even more. God Ah! it did pain me. I was very sad. You cannot know, Miss Dashwood, that it was a great relief to me to look back on my grief. I hated myself for being wicked, stupid, and base, All the pain I've suffered in the past is now a joy to me. You see, I'm gone, from the people I love, to the people I'm not interested in. I'm going to town on my own There was no company on the road, so it was boring--no one to talk to--so much joy to think about--looking to the future, all bright and bright! Looking back on Patton, what a comforting sight! Oh! what a happy journey."

He stopped.

(End of this chapter)