Pride and Prejudice; Sense and Sensibility

Chapter 117 Rest and recuperation after returning home
Marianne's illness was debilitating, but fortunately she had not been ill for a long time, and therefore did not take long to recover.She was young, in good health, and with the care of her mother, her recovery was smooth.On the fourth day after her mother arrived, she was able to walk to Mrs. Palmer's dressing room.Once here she was impatient to thank Colonel Bland for having brought her mother, and so, at her special request, the Colonel was invited to see her.

When the Colonel came in, saw her changed countenance, and took her pale hand, which he immediately extended, he looked very excited.Eleanor surmised that it was not merely his affection for Marianne, nor merely the affection he already knew that others understood him.Elinor soon saw that when he looked at her sister, his eyes were melancholy and his face was constantly changing, probably from the resemblance (as he had said) between Marianne and Eliza, which made the past Those tragic scenes resurfaced in his mind.Seeing her sister's sunken eyes, her pale skin, her limp reclining figure now, and her gratitude to him with a passion that deepened those scenes.

Mrs. Dashwood paid as much attention to this scene as her eldest daughter, but the two had different thoughts, so the observation results were quite different.She could only see the simplest and most definite expressions of emotion in her behavior towards the Colonel.And seeing Marianne's manner, she tried to convince herself that she was expressing something beyond gratitude.

After another day or two, Marianne's body became stronger and stronger, and she really changed her appearance in half a day.Mrs. Dashwood was as eager to be home as the girls herself, and they began to talk of going back to Barton.Her arrangement determined that of her two friends, as Mrs. Jennings could not leave Cleveland while the Dashwooden and daughter were there, and Colonel Bland, at their unanimous request, soon realized that, Although it is not so necessary for him to be there, it is equally obligatory.He and Mrs. Jennings in turn made unanimous demands, and finally persuaded Mrs. Dashwood to agree to ride in his carriage on the way back, in order to make the journey more comfortable for her sick daughter.And the Colonel, at the joint invitation of Mrs. Dashwood and Mrs. Jennings--Mrs. Jennings, a good-natured and candid lady, who was hospitable not only herself, but on behalf of others--happily agreed to meet within a few weeks' time. Will pay a visit to the cottage to retrieve his carriage.

The day of parting came.Marianne took a long farewell to Mrs. Jennings in particular--she expressed her gratitude so earnestly, full of respect and wishes, as if silently acknowledging that she had never been so slight to her--and then she took Taking leave of Colonel Bland with the zeal of a friend, he led her cautiously into the carriage.The colonel acted as if he wanted her to occupy at least half the place.Then Mrs. Dashwood and Eleanor followed.After the traveler set off, the people who stayed behind talked about them and felt quite lonely.Afterwards Mrs. Jennings is called into her carriage, and gossips with the maid, seeking some consolation for the loss of her two young friends.Immediately afterwards, Colonel Bland also went back to Delaford alone.

The Dashwood mother and daughter were on the road for two days.For two days Marianne withstood the roughness of the journey without being very weary.Everyone who accompanied her had incomparably deep feelings, watched her closely, cared for her, and tried to make her feel comfortable in every way. As long as her body was safe and her spirit was calm, people would relax.For Eleanor, observing Marianne was a special pleasure.For weeks, she had watched her sister suffer, and she had neither the courage to speak out nor the stamina to bury the pain in her heart.But now, seeing that her sister's mind had obviously calmed down, Elinor thought that this must be the result of her sister's serious thinking, and it would surely make her feel satisfied and happy in the end.Eleanor thought with a joy no one else could share.

Barton was really approaching, and the sights, fields, and trees all brought back a special and painful memory.Marianne was lost in thought at the moment.She turned her face away, avoiding everyone's sight, and sat there staring out of the window wholeheartedly.Seeing this, Elinor was neither surprised nor reproached her.When she helped Marianne out of the car, she found her weeping, and she considered the agitation to be natural and entirely sympathetic, and it was admirable that she could weep unobtrusively.From her whole conduct afterwards, she saw that her sister was now able to think rationally.No sooner had Marianne stepped into the common sitting-room than she looked about her with firm self-possession, as if determined at once to acquaint herself with every object which reminded her of Willoughby.She didn't talk much, but everything she said was intended to please.Although sometimes he couldn't help sighing, but every time he smiled at everyone as if to make up for his mistakes.After dinner, she wants to try playing the piano.She walked over, but unexpectedly the first piano score she saw was the opera, which was bought by Willoughby for her. It contained several of their favorite duets, and her name was written by him on the cover. .That's not okay.She shook her head, pushed the score aside, played on the keys for a while, and then closed the piano again on the pretext of weakness in her fingers.Even so, she insisted that she would practice playing the piano more in the future.

The signs of cheerfulness did not diminish the next morning.On the contrary, after a night's rest, her body and mind were strengthened, and her speech and demeanor seemed more energetic.She looked forward to Margaret's return soon, and said that the whole family would be together again, and everyone would have fun and entertainment together, saying that that was the only happiness in the ideal that was worth looking forward to.

"When the weather is better and I have regained my strength," said Marianne, "we will walk together every day, far away. We will go to the farm on the edge of the hill, and see how the children are doing there. We To walk to Sir John's new plantation and abbey estate at Barton's Cross. We will also frequent the ruins of the priory, exploring its foundations and trying to find out as far as it is said to have been extended. I am sure we will have a good time I think we'll have a good time this summer. I mean, we must never get up later than six o'clock, and from then until supper, I'll arrange every moment, either playing the piano or reading I have made up my plans, and made up my mind to study. Our own books are all too familiar to me, and I can find no other books but those for amusement. There are, however, many books at Barton Park that are well worth reading. I also know that newer books are available on loan from Colonel Bland. I only need to read six hours a day, and in a year I can acquire a great deal of knowledge that I now lack."

Eleanor admired her sister for such a grand plan.But to see the same fervent vision which had driven her into the utter indolence and self-willed self-pity which had led her to devise a plan so reasonable and self-controlled that it was evidently It was over-arranged, and she couldn't help laughing.But her smile changed to a sigh when she thought that her promise to Willoughby had not been kept.She feared that if she told those things to Marianne, she might be disturbed again, and would ruin, at least temporarily, her good prospects of being peaceful and busy.Therefore, she thought it would be better to postpone this unfortunate moment, and it would not be too late to tell her when her sister recovered completely.But after this determination was made, it was destroyed again.

Marianne stayed at home for two or three days, and the weather was not good enough. How could a patient like her dare to go out.At last, however, a fine and agreeable morning came, and the daughter was eager to try, and the mother was assured of it, and Marianne was permitted to take a walk on the road in front of the house, as long as she did not feel tired, with Eleanor's support. It will be all right.

The sisters set off, and as Marianne had not walked so much since her illness, and was still very weak, they were obliged to walk slowly.As soon as she had passed the corner of the house, and reached a point where she could have a clear view of the hill behind the house, Marianne stopped, looked up, and said calmly:

"There, there," said Marianne, pointing with one finger, "on that hill—I fell down, and saw Willoughby for the first time."

Speaking of the last three words, her voice sank, but then returned to normal, and then said:
"I'm glad to find that I'm not at all sorry to see this place. Can we still talk about it, Eleanor?" I can talk now, and I should talk about it."

Eleanor kindly begged her to speak.

"As for remorse," said Marianne, "I have long since repented about him. I don't want to tell you what I thought of him in the past, but only what I think of him now. Now, if I can be made to believe that One point—it would be nice if I could think he wasn't always acting, always cheating on me. But most of all, if I could believe it, I'd know for certain that he was never as I sometimes imagine As utterly wicked as I was, as frightened by what happened to that unfortunate girl—”

She stopped.Upon hearing this, Eleanor felt as if she had found a treasure, and replied happily:
"If you could believe that, do you think you would have peace of mind?"

"Yes. It disturbs my peace of mind. He's had that relationship with me, and it's not only terrible to suspect him of ill intentions, but who does that make me? In a situation like mine, only It takes the most indecent, the most indiscreet blundering of watches and clocks to make me suffer—”

"Then," asked the sister, "how do you explain his behavior?"

"I think—oh! I'll be quite happy to think that he's only capricious—extremely indifferent."

Eleanor said no more.She was deciding in her mind what would be the best thing to do: tell her the situation right away, or wait until she was stronger.The two remained silent and walked slowly for a few more minutes. "I hope he will ask himself, and will not think of the past more unpleasantly than I did," said Marianne at last, with a sigh. "I hope not too much. It will be very painful for him to reflect on it."

"Are you comparing your behavior with his?"

"No. I'm comparing my conduct to what is right, to your conduct."

"Our situation is not similar."

"Our situation is similar, only we handle it differently. My dear Eleanor, I know you must disapprove of my behaviour, and stop trying to justify me. My illness has prompted me to think--it Give me time to think calmly and seriously. Long before I recovered enough to speak, I was fully able to think. I considered the past and found that my course of action since our acquaintance with him last autumn It's all reckless, and unkind to others. I found that my own emotions caused my pain, and my lack of mental strength in painful situations nearly killed me. I know, I My illness was completely self-inflicted, and even when I felt sick, I still didn't pay attention to my body. If I really died, it would be my own death. I didn't know that I had died until I was out of danger. To the point where I was dying. But it was the strength these thoughts gave me that made me want to live so that I might have a chance to atone for God and you all, and that's why I didn't die in the end— I can't help but marvel at my recovery. Sister, what grief it would cause you, my nurse, friend, and sister, if I did die. My restlessness and selfishness in those later days , you can see clearly, you know my thoughts like the palm of your hand! What impression I will make on you! And mother, how can you comfort her when the time comes! I can't tell how much I hate myself. Whenever I always look back and feel that there were things I needed to do but didn't do, letting myself go and letting myself go. I seemed to hurt everyone. Mrs. Jennings was kind and always kind, and I didn't appreciate it , and despised her. I was always insolent, unjust, hard-hearted, and disregarded their merits, even to the Middletons, the Palmers, the Steele sisters, and even to acquaintances in general, even to my acquaintance. The more I cared, the more annoyed I was. To John and Fanny, yes, even to them, though they didn't deserve our respect, I didn't give them their due. But you, especially you , and not mother, I have wronged. I, and only I, understand your heart and sorrow. But what does it do to me? It does not arouse any sympathy for you or for myself. I have set an example, but what is the use? Have I become more concerned about you and your comfort? Have I learned from your self-cultivation, trying to lighten your burdens, and take on a little bit like returning gifts and thanking you? I don't want to leave you alone there to socialize? No. Whether it's when you're in a good mood or when you're sad, I haven't done my duty and friendship. I'm just preoccupied with my own sorrow, I don't know who else has any sorrow but myself. I only feel sorry for the person who abandoned me and treated me badly; and let you, the person I love infinitely, suffer for me." At this time, her self Only when I complained and blamed myself did I stop pouring out.Elinor, though too honest to flatter her, was eager to comfort her, and immediately praised and encouraged her frankness and contrition.And Marianne, with her frankness and contrition, deserves all the praise and encouragement.Marianne pressed her sister's hand, and answered:

"You are so kind. I will do what I say in the future. I will testify to me in the future. I have made a plan. If I can resolutely implement it, I will control my feelings and change my temper. That's it I will no longer bother others and torture myself. Now I will live only for my family. You, my mother and Marguerite will be my everything from now on, and all my love will be yours. I I will never have the slightest distraction to leave you and my home. If I really have other associations, it only means that I have become able to treat people with humility, my heart has changed, and my life I can perform my duties with respect and magnanimity in the manners and customs of life. As for Willoughby, if I shall soon forget him, or shall sooner or later forget him, It is meaningless. No matter how circumstances and opinions change, I cannot erase my memory of him. However, there must be a control, and it will be controlled through religious belief, reason, and daily work."

Marianne paused for a moment, then added in a low voice: "If I could only know his heart, then everything would be easier." Eleanor had been thinking for some time whether it would be right to speak at once, When she heard this, however, she was as hesitant as she had been at first.At last she found that since further consideration could not solve the problem, it would be better to act decisively, so she immediately brought the conversation to the truth.

As strategic as she hoped to be, her telling was as strategic as she was careful to prepare the mind of her impatient listener.She stated simply and truthfully the main grounds of Willoughby's self-justification, conveyed truthfully his repentance, and only euphemistically brushed aside his present firm expression of his love for her.Marianne said nothing.She was shivering, her eyes fixed on the ground, and her lips, already pale from illness, were now even paler.A thousand questions came to her mind, but she dared not ask a single one.She listened eagerly, without missing a word, and unconsciously clasped her sister's hand tightly, her face filled with tears.

Eleanor was afraid that she would be tired, so she led her towards the house.Although Marianne refrained from asking anything, Eleanor could easily guess what content she must be interested in.So she went on talking about Willoughby and their conversation until she reached the cottage door.She always described every detail of his manner, where nothing could be misunderstood.As soon as they entered the house, Marianne kissed her sister gratefully, and uttered the words clearly through tears: "Tell Mama." Then leaving her sister, she walked slowly upstairs.Eleanor felt that it was understandable that she wanted to be left alone, so she didn't want to hinder her.She speculated anxiously about the outcome of this conversation, and decided that if her sister did not bring it up again, she would bring it up for her.Then she turned and walked into the living room to complete the mission that Marianne had given her at parting.

(End of this chapter)