It turns out that it will still be lonely
Chapter 2 But that's it
Chapter 2 But that's it
01
When we returned to the community, it was already very late.
At the entrance of the corridor, I received a call from my mother.
She said: "Linger, it's raining today, have you been setting up street stalls all day?"
"No, I went home after it rained in the morning, and I went to set it up by myself for a while in the afternoon, but now I'm almost home."
"Well, then you go into the house to see if your dad is at home. He said today that he came back from the construction site. The work in Qingdao is over and they are going to Yantai. I just called him, and his mobile phone was turned off. Go back and see if he's home."
"Oh."
As soon as I finished speaking, my mother hung up the phone. She seemed to be very busy all the time, so she didn't have time to say a word to me.
I laughed at myself, put my phone back in my pocket, and entered the elevator.
I took out the key and opened the door. In the simply decorated two-bedroom house, only my father's luggage was casually placed in the living room, but my father was not at home.
"dad……"
I yelled a few words, but got no response.
After confirming that he was not at home, I helped him put away his luggage, then went into the bedroom to get his clothes and prepared to take a shower.Suddenly, I found that the iron box I hid on the top of the closet was opened and thrown on the ground, and there was nothing in it except a few coins.
I couldn't help but increase my strength with the hand holding the clothes, a chill spread from the bottom of my heart, and my whole body was shaking.
I took out my mobile phone and quickly dialed my mother's number. There was the voice of her chatting with others. I resisted the sourness that came up, and said with a choked voice: "Mom, the passbook in my room is gone. Dad's luggage is at home." , he was not there, his coat was thrown on the floor of my room, maybe he took my money, and then went to gamble again."
"You bastard, you won't change your nature!" Mom cursed fiercely, "I'll talk about it when I get home. You know your father's virtue, and you need to tighten up the money in the future!"
The phone was hung up again, I held the phone and couldn't speak, the breath in my chest was still suffocating, looking at the empty box on the ground, I felt that everything had become so incomprehensible.
why?Why is my life so boring?
As soon as I was born, I was abandoned by my biological parents and came to a new family.I thought I was reborn, and everyone around me told me, Linger, how much your parents love and love you.But this is the love I feel—
Before, I was wronged and stole money. My classmates and teachers didn’t believe me, even my parents didn’t believe me. My mother lost the money and went home crying and beating me, scolding me for not learning well.I felt very painful, not only from being beaten, but what hurt me the most was that she didn't believe me.
In order to repay the mortgage, my parents have been making money outside for many years, and they hardly care about me.As a child, I was always home alone and I was terrified.Because I was too scared, I would go to Lin Jiarui every time I came home from school.Aunt Le Ning went out of town, so I had no choice but to look for Lin Jiarui, but later even Lin Jiarui went to college, and I couldn't pester him every day, so I had to slowly learn to adapt to this terrible loneliness alone.Dad was pretty good at first, hardworking and willing to work, but the good times didn't last long. He was led badly by others and learned to gamble.He also borrowed a lot of money from our former neighbors, but now he can't pay back the money, and he dares not go home on weekdays.Fortunately, the neighbor Uncle Hao talked about his past affection, and no one came to ask my mother and me for debts.
I thought that these lives would pass slowly. I thought that as long as I strive, learn to be self-reliant, and learn to make money, at least, the life I want can still be obtained.I can afford to go to school by myself, whether it's middle school or college, I can do it.But this empty iron box tells me how ridiculous my thinking is.
Zhao Linger, in fact, no one cares about your feelings at all.
02
I desperately want to find an outlet to vent my pent-up depression, but I don't know who to turn to.
The passbook was stolen, and it is impossible to expect my father to return the money to me. Tomorrow's tuition is another headache.Open your mouth and ask your mother if you want it?But the salary she paid a while ago has just paid off the mortgage, and the family has not had any savings in the past few years.Although the tuition fee is only more than 500 yuan, which is not a lot, I am worried that my mother will not be able to afford it.
She is usually busy with work, and in the past two years she knows that I will prepare tuition fees by myself every semester, so she is used to me not reaching out to ask her for money.So I think she spent all the money she earned on paying off debts instead of helping me with tuition.
But there is no way, under such circumstances, I can only reach out and ask her for money.
I know that if I ask, she will take it all away, and as others have said, I can feel it myself occasionally, that she loves me.
For the question of whether my parents love me or not, I have always known that the answer is love.What others said is right, they do love me very much, but the pain does not mean that they can give me the sense of security I want.Some people say that parents make money just to support you?However, maybe what I want is not that they work hard to make money to support me, maybe I would rather make money by myself, I just hope they can spend more time with me.I only hope that one day, they will be free to ask me, Linger, what are you thinking?Whether it's casual, curious, or joking, even if it's a question, I can accept it.
As long as I say "Linger, what are you thinking", just such a sentence will make me feel that I have not been ignored in this family.
In fact, if I could hear such an inquiry, I don't think I would be so sentimental now.
I sighed heavily, washing rice and vegetables mechanically like a robot, preparing for dinner.After preparing a few simple and light side dishes, I filled a bowl of rice, ate it silently, put away the rest of the meal silently, washed the dishes silently, and then blinked my sour eyes to cheer myself up.
It's okay, everything will pass, let the negative energy go!
When the phone rang, I was sitting in the bedroom reading a book. I took out my phone and saw Lin Jiarui's name flashing on it.
I just remembered that since I ran away suddenly at his engagement ceremony that day, we haven't contacted for a while.
The person I should be called Uncle Lin, who has never really intersected with my life, actually I should start learning not to rely on him anymore.
I hung up the phone and continued to read, but the bell rang again soon, repeating impatiently.
Escape is not the best way to solve the problem, I took a deep breath, connected the phone, and shouted "Uncle Lin" awkwardly.
I thought I would hear Lin Jiarui's surprised and joking voice, and thought he would ask me with a smile: "Zhao Linger, you never called me uncle!"
Yes, it will be called that in the future.
But it didn't.
It was a woman who spoke on the other end of the phone. She said, "Linger, I am Teacher Ji. Today I went home with your Uncle Lin. We made a lot of delicious food. Come over and eat together!"
Teacher Ji is Ji Hang, the woman who is engaged to Lin Jiarui, and they are college classmates.Ji Hang is now our school's physical education teacher, specializing in teaching the new yoga class.I heard that she was an illegitimate daughter, she was very good at playing when she was a student, I don't know how Lin Jiarui got together with her.
In my memory, the closest girl to Lin Jiarui, apart from An Xiaoduo who he chased for a long time at the beginning, is my aunt Jian Lening.I used to think that I was the third girl who was closest to him, but now I know that in Lin Jiarui's eyes, I am just the little girl who ran away from home crying.
We are separated by a full ten years, and this ten years is an insurmountable gap.
In the past ten years, because Lin Jiarui and I lived in the same district, when I felt lonely, I would go to Lin Jiarui's house.He used to go to middle school and I went to elementary school. Even if we couldn't see each other every day, we could see each other several times a week.If I go to Aunt Le Ning's house to play, he will mostly stay in his grandpa's shop.Later, Aunt Le Ning left with Qi Xuan, and the original shanty town was also demolished, so we never went back, but we still often stayed together.The longer he stayed, the more he regarded me as a child who hadn't grown up.
Sometimes I think that since Aunt Le Ning and the others left one by one, Lin Jiarui may feel as lonely as I do.
It has become a habit for me to go to Lin Jiarui's house to grab a meal. Even Lin Jiarui's parents joked with the neighbors that I was their youngest daughter.The relationship between me and him can be a relative or a friend, but it cannot be a lover.
Like him is a secret I keep in my heart.
"Sorry, I've finished eating." I sighed heavily, and said to Ji Hang who was still standing by the phone.
Ji Hang smiled awkwardly and asked, "Then do you want to come over to play? Our place is very lively."
"No, I have something else to do."
"Okay then, Linger, I'll hang up then, see you at school."
"Ah."
That's it, just start forgetting!
I hold the phone and say to myself.
The admiration and attachment that were once suppressed in the bottom of my heart, just learn to forget slowly like this.
03
Lying on the bed, it suddenly occurred to me that the thermos bucket I brought meals with when I went to school was broken, and I had to buy a new one, or I wouldn’t be able to bring meals tomorrow.So, I took some out of the money I earned from setting up a street stall in the afternoon, then went out, and hurried to the supermarket in the neighborhood.
There was no delay along the way, I went home after shopping, and when I got to the door of my house, I found that the door of my house was open, and the house was in a mess.
Mom and Dad didn't know when they came back. Dad was holding his luggage and standing by the door, and Mom was pointing at his nose and cursing.
"Zhao Dongxiang, if you dare to walk out of this door today, don't come back! I'll follow you, and you've finally made it through, but you're so disheartened to gamble. You steal money from your child to gamble, and you say you want more money?" Shameless! Anyway, all the money you earn is thrown on the poker field, and this day will not be able to survive, we are divorced!"
"Muhua, don't be angry. I promise this is the last time. I will never gamble again. If I gamble again, I will chop off my hand. Don't cry, don't get excited, I'm leaving, I I will go to Yantai to work tonight, and I promise to make good money!" Dad pleaded, backed away from the door again and again, and accidentally bumped into me.
Dad immediately reached out to support me, pulled me in front of him, and blocked my mother, while he retreated to the door by himself.
He said: "Linger, Dad is really sorry for you this time, and I will never do it again. Dad is leaving first, so please persuade your mother."
After saying that, he left.
Every time he said the last time, never again, but every time his hands were itchy, he would still gamble.It's like a drug addiction, it's hard to quit.
As if all the strength in her body had been taken away, Mom sat on the ground, beating her chest and crying, calling Dad's name and cursing constantly.
She said: "Zhao Dongxiang, how can you treat me like this, why can't you fight for it?"
She said: "Zhao Dongxiang, why can't you be like before? Do you know how much I suffered outside and how hard it was for me alone?"
she says:"……"
"Mom, don't cry. Dad has already left. He said he won't gamble anymore." I knelt down to support my mother and comforted me.
My mother sneered, looked at me with tears all over her face, and said, "Only you can believe your father's nonsense. If he doesn't gamble, the sun will come out from the west."
Mom, in fact, I didn't believe what Dad said, I just wanted to comfort you.
This is not the first time my mother and my father have had a quarrel over gambling. After scolding and arguing, it's just like that. Life still has to go on as usual.
On the dining table, the meals I had prepared were thrown all over the floor, and the dishes were all broken, but my mother turned a blind eye and went back to the room, leaving me alone to clean up the wreckage all over the floor.
Why do you have to throw things when you quarrel?Don't you need money to buy a broken bowl again?
I cleaned up the wreckage all over the place, and then made a few dishes again.When you are in a bad mood, eating something will make you feel better, right?
After I cooked the meal, I went to ask my mother to eat, and she said that she had no appetite and didn't want to eat.After persuasion to no avail, I had to put all the meals in the refrigerator.Looking at the closed door, I sighed and went back to my room.
After returning to the room, I dumped all the things in the cargo box on the bed and began to count the money and keep accounts.
When my mother knocked on the door, I had just finished keeping the accounts, and put all the scattered money and Ye Lan's wallet into my schoolbag.
"Linger, I heard from Dong Shan's mother that you have to pay tuition these days. Your passbook was taken away by your father, so you have no money? My salary for this month will not be paid until next Thursday. You should tell the teacher on Monday, see Let's see if it can be delayed for two days." Mom opened the door and walked in, speaking to me in a hoarse voice.
At this time, her eyes were still red because she had just cried.
Originally, the situation was special this time, and I wanted to ask my mother for money to pay the tuition fees, but now hearing what my mother said, I couldn't open my mouth.
I didn't expect that my mother would take the initiative to ask about my tuition fees, which shows that she actually cares about me.
After careful calculation, He Shuang and Dong Shan's money must be paid back, but I don't have enough money, so I will definitely not be able to pay the tuition fee or pay back the money on Monday.
Although my mother said that I would give it to me after the salary was paid, but when I thought about our mortgage and the debt owed by my father, I couldn't bear it.
My hand was still in the schoolbag, and my fingertips touched the wallet Ye Lan gave me. Suddenly, a thought appeared in my mind——
If I borrow Ye Lan's money first, will he blame me?
Thinking of Ye Lan, his innocent face unconsciously appeared in my mind, and I sighed helplessly.
Ye Lan should not blame me, because he is different from others.
Thinking to myself, I raised my head and looked at my mother, wanting to reassure her, and said with a smile: "Mom, I have already paid for the tuition fee. It is money other than the passbook. Don't worry. You haven't had dinner yet. go eat!"
"Well, since you've prepared it, I'm relieved. Linger, mom doesn't know what to say. I just hope your dad can fight for you in the future and let you suffer less."
Mom wiped her tears, sniffed and left the room.
I looked at her thin back, and the tip of my nose was slightly sore. In fact, it was not easy for my mother.
The mobile phone on the desk rang suddenly, I woke up from my contemplation, and answered the phone without carefully checking who was calling.
When Lin Jiarui's voice sounded, I was stunned for a moment.
"Linger, why didn't you come to our house for dinner today? Your teacher Ji called you, why didn't you come? Have you had dinner? We're going to have a midnight snack later, are you coming?"
I was silent and didn't answer for a while.Suddenly, I realized that, except for myself, no one saw that I was depressed because of Lin Jiarui's engagement, not even Lin Jiarui.Didn't he notice that I haven't seen him for nearly a month since he got engaged?
After graduating from university, he worked as a fitness instructor in a gymnasium. He is no longer like boarding at school when he was studying, and now he goes home from get off work on time every day.In the past, I always liked to go to his house for dinner after school, until Ji Hang appeared, I never went there again.
Doesn't he find it strange?Was my sudden alienation not worth mentioning to them?
There was a suffocation in my chest, and I didn't even say a word, so I hung up the phone, turned it off, and threw the phone aside.
I just want Lin Jiarui to know that I am very unhappy.
04
Winter isn't over, and neither is that nasty run after the second period.I kind of miss the time when I used to do inter-class exercises. Although it is also stipulated that exercises must be done, but standing in the team, you occasionally get lazy and don’t want to work hard. It’s okay to do it casually.However, running is different. No matter how lazy you are, you have to run three laps around the entire plastic track from the starting point with the team.
After running back to the classroom from the playground, I mixed in with the crowd and was blocked in the corridor outside the classroom, panting desperately.As soon as the air was exhaled from the mouth, it turned into mist.
I habitually found a support, and leaned my arms on the railing. There was a cloud of water vapor on the white tiles, and my sleeves were wet in an instant.I raised my arms in annoyance, looked at the soaked sleeves, sighed helplessly, and put my hands back into my pockets.My fingertips touched the cold shell of the phone, and the frustration in my heart became stronger.
Since the phone was turned on in the morning, until now, there has been no response.No missed calls, and no unread text messages.
Look, Zhao Linger, you think too much of yourself.
After being squeezed several times, my throat choked, and I suddenly coughed desperately, and for some reason, I coughed up tears.I was about to wipe it when I heard someone shouting from the crowd: "Zhao Linger, the head teacher asked you to go to the office."
I don't know who called it, but when I turned around, I saw He Shuang standing at the door of their Class [-] classroom, gave me a cold look, and then walked towards the teacher's office.
The veins on my forehead twitched a few times, and soon I shook my wet sleeves, squeezed out of the crowd indifferently, and followed.
I knew that He Shuang is a guy who loves to toss.
"Zhao Linger, He Shuang from Class [-] said you owed her money, is it true?"
After entering the door, the head teacher of our class leaned against the office chair with a water glass, took a sip of tea, and raised his eyebrows to ask me.
He Shuang and his head teacher stood aside, looking at me expressionlessly.
I glanced at He Shuang, raised the corners of my mouth provocatively, and said calmly: "No, I never took her money."
It's not that I don't want to pay back He Shuang's money, on the contrary, I'm already ready to pay her back the tens of dollars.But before she apologized to me, I didn't want to give it back to her so easily.
Don't think that if you report to the teacher, I will be scared. If He Shuang is capable, he doesn't need the teacher's help.
"You nonsense! Teacher Zhang, Zhao Linger really took my money and refused to return it. She and Dong Shan set up a street stall. I once gave her 500 yuan and wanted to partner with them. Later, when I saw that they were in trouble, I didn't want to I continued to partner, so I asked them for money. Zhao Linger said, I took 200 yuan from them, and asked me to return the share to them. So, I only asked them to return me 300 yuan, but she still You owe me 89 yuan!" He Shuang pointed at my nose and complained to Teacher Zhang.
Teacher Zhang put down his teacup, his expression became serious, and he said, "Zhao Linger, the teacher thinks that you are usually quite quiet and your grades are not bad. The teacher doesn't want to make things difficult for you. If you really took He Shuang's money, you will return it." Give it to her. It’s only eighty or so yuan, just ask your parents, it’s not good to talk about this kind of thing.”
"Teacher, it's not that I don't want to pay it back, it's that I really didn't take it." I denied it again.
He Shuang's face turned red with anger, and she stomped her feet and yelled, "Zhao Linger, you are lying, you obviously took my money!"
"Well, you insist that I took your money, so who saw it?" I asked helplessly, turning my head to look at the teachers who were looking at us, "Teacher, it's not that I don't want to pay it back, but that I really want to pay it back." I didn’t take it. If He Shuang really thinks that I took it, I’ll give it back to her. I don’t need to ask my parents for it. I earned pocket money myself. But I didn’t take it. She insisted on saying so, so I posted the money Not comfortable either."
After I pretended to be innocent, He Shuang was so angry that he wanted to rush up and beat me. If the head teacher of their class hadn't caught her in time, I would probably have been beaten.
"Okay, Zhao Linger, let the teacher trust you once. He Shuang, since Zhao Linger said that she didn't take your money, but you insisted that she took your money and wouldn't pay it back, then the teacher asks you, who saw it?" Did you give Zhao Linger any money?" Teacher Zhang turned to ask He Shuang.
He Shuang glared at me fiercely, bit his lip and shook his head, then nodded and shouted: "Yes, Dong Shan, who set up the stall with her, was there at the time. Dong Shan is from Class [-]. But they are good friends." Friends, she will definitely help Zhao Linger."
"He Shuang, don't talk nonsense. When I was called by the teacher, I didn't know what I was talking about. How could I have time to talk to Dong Shan? If the teacher doesn't believe me, call Dong Shan now and go outside alone Ask her, don't let us meet, see what she says."
Seemingly thinking that my proposal was feasible, the head teacher of He Shuang's class immediately walked out of the office and walked in the direction of Class [-], probably to ask Dong Shan for questioning.
It was He Shuang who suddenly reported this matter to the teacher. I was really surprised to come here.It is estimated that He Shuang also thought that Dong Shan and I had no time to breathe, so she let her teacher go to Dong Shan.
At this moment, she looked at me very proudly, as if she was sure that Dong Shan would be frightened by the teacher and tell the whole thing.
Dong Shan is indeed an honest person, but an honest person does not mean that she has no brains.The teacher asked Dong Shan for questioning, and Dong Shan would definitely know that something was wrong.
I have only known Dong Shan for two years. Although it is not long, she is really a rare friend of mine.Before I met Dong Shan, I was basically alone.
Dong Shan and I knew each other because my mother worked as a waiter in the same hotel as her mother.Once, I set up a stall near the hotel where my mother worked, and it happened to be raining, so I went to my mother's place to shelter from the rain. I happened to meet Dong Shan who was playing at her mother's place, and then I became familiar with it.Dong Shan was very interested in knowing that I came out to set up a stall on weekends.She also always felt that weekends were boring and wanted to find something to do, so at the instigation of my mother, Dong Shan and I cooperated.
Fate is really a wonderful thing. In the days when Dong Shan and I got along, we had quarrels and unpleasant moments, but most of them were in the initial running-in period. After that, the two people’s ideas became more and more similar, and their personalities were also very compatible. We got along very well. good.
Although we are not in the same class and we don't often meet each other, this does not affect the friendship and tacit understanding between us.So I am not worried at all that Dong Shan will betray me, because since the teacher went to her for questioning, it obviously means that He Shuang has passed the matter to the teacher, and she will definitely be very careful when answering questions.
Sure enough, He Shuang's class teacher came back after a while. She patted He Shuang on the shoulder and said, "Let's go, it's time to go to class."
Hearing this, I knew it in my heart, Dong Shan did a great job.
He Shuang was naturally unwilling to leave, she grabbed the teacher's hand and asked Dong Shan what she had said.
Her head teacher sighed and said, "He Shuang, the teacher thinks you may have misremembered. Dong Shan said she didn't know about it, and I don't think she is lying. Think about it when you go back. See if you lent the money to others, let’s forget about it. Everyone go back to class, don’t delay your studies.”
"Teacher, it's not a question of whether it counts or not. If I really took it, I would naturally give it to He Shuang, but if I really didn't take it, there is no such thing as 'does it count'." Her class teacher just After finishing speaking, I interrupted.
He Shuang's class teacher fell silent, and He Shuang shouted again: "Dong Shan is lying, teacher, you believe me! Zhao Linger and Dong Shan are really lying."
"Okay, He Shuang! Dong Shan and Zhao Linger didn't know about this matter before you talked about it. How could they have time to collude? I also know Dong Shan's character. She is an honest child. This matter will stop here Let's go!" This time it was the math teacher of Dong Shan's class who was speaking at the next table.
He Shuang was speechless immediately, but bit his lip and stared at me fiercely.
I looked back at her generously, with a magnanimous look.
I'm not the Zhao Ling'er I was when I was a child. If you want to compare yourself to pretending to be stupid, no one can compare to me now.I said it earlier, if she doesn't apologize, I won't give her money.
Whether it is tens of dollars, a few dollars or hundreds of dollars, what I care about is not the money, but my self-esteem.
But this time I lied, I just want He Shuang to understand that I am not easy to bully, as for the money, I will still return it to her.
If you are greedy for her money, then you really have no self-esteem.
Coming out of the office, I ran into Ji Hang at the door who had returned from physical education class.Ji Hang works in the office next door. I have always known that I saw her walking in with her bag several times in the morning, and Lin Jiarui sent her here a few times.
I didn't want to watch her on purpose, it was because I happened to see her when I was watching Lin Jiarui.
Before, many people in the school said that Teacher Ji had a tall and handsome boyfriend. I never wanted to believe it, even if I saw them inseparable at the stairs.Until that day, when Lin Jiarui got engaged and invited our family to a banquet, I woke up from the state of self-deception and had to believe it.
Ji Hang obviously stood at the door of the office for a while, probably heard our quarrel, maybe he also knew what happened.
She looked at me hesitantly, as if she saw that I was lying.
"Spirit ear."
When Ji Hang called me in a low voice, I had already avoided her and ran to my classroom as quickly as if I was running away from a demon, pretending I didn't see her or hear her calling me.
I don't like Ji Hang, not since seeing her with Lin Jiarui.
05
At noon, I went to Dong Shan's class to have lunch with her.
We don't often eat together on weekdays, because I often bring meals to school and rarely go out to eat.But today was different, I overslept in the morning and didn't have time to prepare lunch for myself.When I got up, my mother had already gone to work as usual, and she didn't have time to help me prepare these.
However, fortunately, I still have some money with me, which was earned from setting up a street stall yesterday, and Ye Lan's wallet is also with me.
Before I got to the classroom of Dong Shan's class, she had already walked out of the door and ran straight to our class. We just ran into each other on the road.
"Linger! Linger!" Dong Shan exclaimed, with an excited expression on her face.
As soon as she saw me, she rushed over and grabbed my sleeve, eager to talk to me.Suddenly, she remembered something again, glanced at the classroom of Class [-], stuck out her tongue, and dragged me straight downstairs.
When we left, He Shuang was coming out of their classroom, looking at us with a gloomy expression.
As soon as I left He Shuang's sight, Dong Shan couldn't help poking my arm with her finger, and smiled mysteriously.
"Linger, what's the matter, isn't He Shuang angry this time? Did you see her face just now? How ugly!"
"In the office this morning, her complexion was even uglier than before." I walked forward and said with a smile.
Dong Shan leaned against me and moved with me.
When it's meal time, the school gate is very lively.There are many hawkers pushing trolleys at the door to sell food, including Shanghai fried buns, wontons, noodles, finger cakes and many other foods.After crossing a road, there are also many food shops on the opposite side, such as Malatang, Shaxian snacks, rice bowls and so on.
Dong Shan used to love to run to the omelette stall in front of the school. When we came out, that stall was surrounded by the most students.However, Dong Shan didn't even look at it this time, and pulled me to the side of the road.
Dong Shan said: "Ling'er, when you see egg pancakes in the future, you just need to remember one thing, they are the forbidden fruit of the Garden of Eden. You have tasted it, and you have suffered. Don't be obsessed with it in the future, and you won't be caught a second time." Chance to seduce."
I know that Dong Shan is feeling sorry for me. The omelette in my memory tastes bitter, and I don’t like bitter things, so of course I won’t eat it again, even if it’s given to me.
Dong Shan pulled me across the road and sat down at the Lanzhou Ramen Restaurant across the street. She patted her chest proudly and said, "Linger, I am treating you today."
I think Dong Shan must think that I don't have much money and wants to save money for me.When I think about it, I feel very warm in my heart.
Dong Shan ordered two small bowls of beef ramen. I didn't refuse her generosity, so I picked up chopsticks and ate.The hot noodle soup slid into the stomach, and the whole stomach was warmed up.Dong Shan added a lot of chili to the noodles, she likes spicy food, the spicier the better.I was eating the noodles in the bowl, and hearing Dong Shan's sniffling voice, I couldn't help but raise the corners of my mouth.
Fortunately, we are friends, and we will not feel sick because of a certain indecent behavior of the other party, but more because we think this is the true temperament.
Before Dong Shan finished eating, I made an excuse to go to the toilet and paid for the ramen.
When we came out of the ramen restaurant, Dong Shan pinched my arm angrily, and said dissatisfiedly: "Didn't you agree to invite me?"
I smiled and told her about the fact that I made more than 100 yuan from setting up a street stall yesterday afternoon. Dong Shan said hurriedly after hearing it: "Don't give me the money you made yesterday, and I didn't go. You can take it alone." gone."
I jokingly said: "I didn't intend to give it to you!"
Dong Shan laughed and said, "I still don't like those little money!"
As I walked, I explained: "I took the money to buy a batch of goods, count us together, and make up for the ones that were lost yesterday. When that batch of goods is sold out, we will split the money. The last batch of goods will be counted as me." It’s okay for people to lose it.”
"How can I do that? Don't you lose money? There is only one box left from the last batch of goods, and the rest are lost. You only sold more than 100 yuan, and the cost can't be recovered." Dong Shan shouted, "No way. , I will share it with you equally, otherwise I will not feel at ease when I take the money in the future."
"Let's talk!" I rubbed her hair, put my hands back into my clothes pockets, and walked forward without saying anything.
I didn't tell Dong Shan that the money I saved was used by my dad for gambling, and I didn't mention to her that the money for this purchase was taken from Ye Lan's wallet.Dong Shan didn't even know that my father owed a lot of debts from gambling. No matter how fierce my mother scolded at home, the family scandal should not be exposed. Outside, she never mentioned these things to others.As for Ye Lan, it was a reunion that even I myself hadn't thought about, and I hadn't thought about bringing this up with Dong Shan before.
In fact, it's not that I'm afraid that Dong Shan will spread the word after knowing these things. I believe she won't do that. I just don't want her to worry.
After returning to school, I returned the money that Dong Shan gave to He Shuang for me last time, but Dong Shan refused to take it anyway, saying that the money should be used as compensation for the lost goods.Although it is not enough, but if she gave it, let me not feel too little.I was a little dumbfounded, and insisted on giving it to her, but she nimbly flashed into the classroom of their class, shut me outside the door, and made faces at me inside.
I was helpless, but I felt very touched, waved to her, and left.
Back in the classroom, I found that there were not many students who came back after dinner.I originally wanted to sleep on the table for a while, but suddenly I didn’t feel sleepy anymore, so I took out my math textbook and prepared to do the questions. I didn’t expect that there was a piece of paper in the textbook, and the paper was deliberately scribbled like a snake——
"Zhao Ling'er, don't think it's over, tell you, there's no way!"
The signature is "He Shuang".
I smiled disapprovingly, stuffed the note and the money I was going to return to Dong Shan into my trouser pocket, and continued to do the questions as if nothing had happened.
He Shuang is just too impatient. I originally planned to return the money to her before school today.
06
"The birds on the tree are in pairs, the flowers on the ground are destroyed by people, I say when the spring breeze will come, and the willow leaves on the lake are messing with the water..."
"Kumquat, what song are you singing?"
"Haha, I made it up myself."
After the self-study class in the evening, several students were looking for their cars in the carport, chatting and laughing from time to time.
I bent down to open the car lock, and suddenly I was hit hard from behind. I threw myself forward, and my legs hit the back seat of the car, which hurt a little.
"I'm sorry! I didn't do it on purpose, didn't I hurt you?" Someone came around me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said embarrassingly.
"Kumquat, why did you bump into her?" Another girl came over and whispered to Jinju.
Jin Ju glared at her and muttered, "It's not because you hit me."
I know both of these girls from our class. I can't say whether I like or dislike them, and I haven't dealt with them on weekdays.It's not that I'm difficult to get along with, but that they don't want to associate with me, and I don't want to be cheeky and take the initiative to get close to them.
"I'm fine, sorry, please let me go, I'm leaving."
I have to go to He Shuang to pay her back, I don't have time to spend with Kumquat and the others.It was already 09:30 in the next night's self-study, and I just wanted to finish He Shuang's matter early and go home early.
"Hey, Zhao Ling'er, if you feel uncomfortable, just say so. I'll just apologize to you. Why do you speak so eccentrically?" I don't know why my tone of voice is wrong, Kumquat grabbed my hand and said.
"I don't feel sick, I just want to go home quickly, and I don't mean to blame you." I said patiently, and then looked outside the shed, only to see He Shuang riding out of the shed.
"I won't tell you guys yet, I'm going to chase someone." I broke away from Kumquat's hand, pushed the car and walked out of the shed.
Kumquat and the others didn't stop me anymore, they just looked at each other with a look of disgust, as if I was the kind of person who was difficult to get along with.
Whatever, I don't intend to have anything to do with them anyway.
After all, it was still a step too late. By the time I chased after him, He Shuang had long since disappeared.I sighed helplessly, changed direction, and rode straight home.
I didn't expect to meet Lin Jiarui downstairs in my house, and it was after ten o'clock in the evening.
As soon as Lin Jiarui saw me, he hurried over, as if he was waiting for me specially.
I originally wanted to call him Uncle Lin as I had decided before, but when I faced him in person, I just couldn't yell out, so I kept silent.
Lin Jiarui walked up to me and yelled at me angrily: "Zhao Linger, if you are short of money, just tell us directly, what is the money for cheating classmates?"
I was baffled by the yelling, and after a long while, I realized what Lin Jiarui was talking about.
"Where did I cheat other people's money? Ji Hang told you! Which eye did she see? What does my matter have to do with her? She doesn't know and is talking nonsense!"
I seldom get angry, and if I feel uncomfortable, I seldom express it directly.But this time, I felt inexplicably upset and yelled at Lin Jiarui.
I've said that I don't like Ji Hang, and I don't like Ji Hang who reports to Lin Jiarui whenever he has nothing to do.Who is Lin Jiarui to me?It's not my dad, it's not my mother, it's not my uncle.Who is she, Ji Hang, to me?What are you doing with my business?
"How do you talk, girl? I haven't seen you for a long time, and you are so rude. Who taught you? Did you not learn well in school? Did you call Ji Hang too? You should call her Teacher Ji or Aunt Ji. If you really didn't cause any trouble, why did Ji Hang tell me about it..."
"How do I know if she is bored and talking nonsense with you?" Before Lin Jiarui finished speaking, I suddenly shouted at him with red eyes as if possessed.
"Slap!" A crisp slap sounded.
I just felt a stabbing pain on my face, I raised my head and looked at Lin Jiarui who was also astonished in disbelief.
Lin Jiarui stammered: "Linger, I... I didn't do it on purpose, I... I'll rub it for you... It hurts..."
Lin Jiarui wanted to reach out to touch my face, but I avoided it indifferently, stepped aside, bit my lip arrogantly and looked at him.A strong sense of soreness surged from the depths of my heart to the tip of my nose, and I suppressed it in the end.
I am no longer the Zhao Linger I was when I was a child, and I will never cry in front of Lin Jiarui again.
"I finally know why Aunt Le Ning didn't choose you in the end, because you only pretended to regret and say useless apologies after hurting others! Lin Jiarui, Jian Le Ning deserves not to love you!"
I am cruel, I have been hurt, and I want to make the other person hurt.I am stubborn in my bones, unwilling to admit defeat, unwilling to suffer losses, and can say any cruel words in order to maintain my self-esteem.
I know very well what to do to hurt Lin Jiarui. The seemingly mature man in front of me is as immature as he was when he was young. He has two deep scars on his body, one was given by An Xiaoduo, and the other is by Jian Lening given.
Lin Jiarui's affection for An Xiaoduo was just obsession and obsession when he was young, but it was different for Jian Lening, he would always have an indelible guilt towards her.Because of this guilt, even when he realized that he loved her, he still dared not say it out loud, because even he himself doubted whether he could stop hurting her.
If the pain that An Xiaoduo brought to him will gradually fade with the passage of time, then the pain that Jian Lening brought to him will only become deeper and deeper.
"Zhao Ling'er, do you even think I'm not worthy to love your Aunt Le Ning?" Lin Jiarui shuddered and asked sadly.
The pain in his eyes was evident.
I sneered, turned my head, suppressed the pain, and didn't want to look at him.
"Yes! You are not even as good as Qi Xuan. At the very least, Qi Xuan will make Aunt Le Ning despair directly, but you will only give her hope again and again, and let her collapse in disappointment."
Before Lin Jiarui could speak, I ran into the stairs and quickly pressed the elevator button.The elevator door closed slowly, and through the crack of the door, I could still clearly see Lin Jiarui's decadent figure.
The second the elevator door was completely closed, my tears finally fell. I covered my chest and gritted my teeth to prevent myself from crying.The pain on my face was given by Lin Jiarui, but the pain in my heart was given by me, because I fell hopelessly in love with Lin Jiarui who shouldn't be loved.
It's not that Lin Jiarui is bad, it's not that he's not good enough for Jian Lening, but that he's not cruel enough, he didn't hurt Jian Lening thoroughly enough, he couldn't bear to seriously hurt himself once; but I'm crueler than Lin Jiarui, I'd rather choose to hurt the one I love, hurt myself , but also to keep my self-esteem.
It turned out that my love for Lin Jiarui was nothing more than that.
At the end of the day, I'm still selfish.
After entering the house, it was dark inside, and my mother was working overtime and hadn't come home yet.
I entered the house without turning on the light, and after closing the door, I hid in the dark and cried alone.Although I said such cruel things to Lin Jiarui just now, it doesn't mean that I don't feel uncomfortable.
Tired of crying, I numbly got up from the ground and mechanically walked into the room without washing up.I lay in bed, closed my eyes, and forced myself not to think about those things.
I know that when I open my eyes again, the world will still be the same.
07
"Zhao Linger, I didn't want to leave it like this at first, but Teacher Ji talked to me. She gave me money and told me not to trouble you anymore. I think I just let it go. Anyway, the money I should take I have already got it, and it is meaningless to fight with someone like you. I came here just to tell you that I have settled with you, and I will not owe anyone in the future."
The next day, before morning reading class, He Shuang pulled me out of the carport and found a quiet place to talk to me.
I didn't look at her, I just took out Ye Lan's wallet from my schoolbag, took out 90 yuan and handed it to her, and said hoarsely, "I'll give you your money, and you give me back Ji Hang's money." .”
He Shuang couldn't figure it out, and said impatiently: "Zhao Linger, are you sick? Isn't it the same? If you want to pay back Teacher Ji's money, just give it to her. What do you want in exchange for me? Are you afraid that Teacher Ji will pay you back?" Too much? Let me tell you, she didn’t give too much, and I’m not that kind of person. 89 is 89, and I didn’t charge a dime more. Teacher Ji gave me 100 yuan and told me not to look for it, but I still gave it. She is gone. You are not the only one with strong self-esteem in this world. I also have strong self-esteem. I called you a thief before, but you embarrass me in the office and make the teachers feel that I am unreasonable. Let's settle the matter , you don't want me to apologize. Goodbye, never see you again. "
After He Shuang finished speaking, he turned around and left with his schoolbag on his back.
I froze in place like a puppet, still holding the money that He Shuang hadn't taken.
"It's different, Ji Hang is different from me." He Shuang has already walked a long way, I muttered to myself.
Standing outside for a long time, the bell for the morning reading class rang, and I had no intention of entering the classroom. I always felt that when Ji Hang found He Shuang for me, I lost.I lost to Ji Hang even before I started fighting.
I put the crumpled money back into Ye Lan's wallet, and suddenly thought that I haven't looked for him since I took Ye Lan's wallet.Ye Lan is also studying in our school. It stands to reason that since he just transferred, there will be some news from the school.Maybe it's because I never gossip with others, so I haven't heard any news about Ye Lan.
Regardless of whether he really wanted to give this wallet to me or not, since I have used his money, I naturally have to tell him that I am only borrowing it temporarily and will return it to him later.I wonder if he will understand what I mean?
Packing up my mood, I ran upstairs quickly.The classroom is on the sixth floor. When I ran to the door of the classroom, I was already out of breath.
Today is the English morning reading class, and the English teacher has already stood on the podium and stared at the students in the audience with arms folded.
"report!"
I yelled at the door, and the teacher looked back at me, as if waiting for my explanation.
"I have a stomach ache."
In desperation, I lowered my head and lied embarrassingly, and soon got the teacher's forgiveness and was allowed to enter the classroom.
As if nothing happened, I sat on my seat reciting words and reading notes as usual.Near the end of get out of class, the whole class did a dictation of words.As soon as the get out of class bell rang, as usual, most of the people were busy with their own breakfast.
The current study life is like this, so busy that even the time for eating is very tight.
I took the thermos bucket I prepared out of my schoolbag and put it in the drawer, and habitually turned my head to look out the window.The building at the back is for the second grade, and our third grade is the front one.
As soon as get out of class is over, the corridors on each floor of the second grade are full of classmates.Looking back at the corridors of our third grade, except for the exercise time, few people usually go out.After all, it was still because of the busy schoolwork.
"Zhao Linger, where's your math homework from yesterday? It's due."
While I was thinking, I heard someone knock on my desk a few times.
I heard the sound and glanced at the study committee member who came to collect the homework. I didn't say anything, but just took out the written test paper from the desk and handed it to her.
The study committee member left as soon as he got the test paper, as if he had never been here.Sometimes I also wonder why I am out of tune with other classmates, is it really because I am too difficult to get along with?Am I too introverted?But when I set up a street stall, I was very cheerful. Sometimes Dong Shan felt ashamed to yell, so I was the one who yelled all the time. Why?Is it because I don't like to take the initiative to talk to others?
Every time I think about this kind of question, my mind will fall into a state of asking and answering myself.But in the end, nothing changed. I still don’t like to take the initiative to talk to others, and others don’t want to talk to me. I’m still alone.
I have been in this state since elementary school until now, and it has never changed.
Maybe the person who made me want to change hasn't appeared yet!
08
After a chaotic morning, the first class in the afternoon was a physical education class once a week, and I took Taekwondo as an elective.
"Okay, are you ready for the taekwondo uniforms that you asked everyone to prepare last time? We still have a few students here who still don't wear taekwondo uniforms to class. Is it because they didn't buy them, or did they forget to change them?" The taekwondo teacher stood in the gymnasium In front of the door, with his hands behind his back, he asked seriously.
I was one of the few classmates who didn't wear the gi, and I lowered my head uncomfortably when I heard this.
It's not that I can't buy it, or that I forgot to change it, but that I didn't buy it at all.Because a set of Taoist clothing costs more than 100, we have few physical education classes, and we can’t take a few classes. If we buy a Taoist uniform, it will definitely be wasted in the end.
"It's still the same sentence. Students who don't wear Taoist uniforms are not allowed to enter the gym. It's up to you whether you learn or not, and you still have to take the final exam. If you want to enter the gym, don't ignore my words next time."
After the teacher finished speaking, he opened the door of the gymnasium and walked in first.
The other students wearing Taoist uniforms looked at us who were not wearing Taoist uniforms with different expressions, and followed the teacher in one after another.
I can't go in for class, and I won't stand outside for a class stupidly. As soon as they leave, I will start to go back to the classroom to do exercises.There was also a girl who was turned away at the same time, and she walked up to me in embarrassment.
"Did you forget to buy it too?"
Our physical education class is an elective class, and each student can choose courses according to their own interests, so the students who take the class together in the end come from several classes.The girl I was talking to was not in our class. The new semester had just started, and today was the second formal physical education class, so I didn't know her yet.
"No, I don't think it's worth buying, so I didn't buy it." I said truthfully.
The expression on the girl's face froze for a moment, and she quickly nodded sympathetically and said, "I don't think it's worth it either. My friend's school doesn't even require taekwondo to wear a gi. It’s quite expensive, and you can’t wear it on weekdays except for class. But the teacher won’t let you into the gym if you don’t wear it. We can’t attend class, so what happens to the exam at the end of the semester? Is there any difference between him doing this and forcing us to buy Taoist uniforms?”
"There are videos on the Internet for learning Taekwondo. If you really don't want to buy them, you can choose time to study online."
"is this okay?"
"I choose taekwondo every semester, and I don't buy taekwondo uniforms every year. It's just like this. Anyway, he only sees whether we wear taekwondo uniforms. If we don't wear them, we are not allowed to enter. Except for exams, he doesn't count the number of people on weekdays. Except for the first registration, I usually don’t go to class afterwards, but I study by myself in the classroom, and then ask a classmate who learns Taekwondo to ask what is taught and when the exam is, just prepare in advance.” My tone was relaxed said.
The girl who was walking with me obviously heard this kind of words for the first time, she opened her eyes wide in surprise and said, "Is this okay?"
"As long as you make up your mind to do it, there is nothing impossible." I turned my head to look at her and said seriously.
Before we knew it, we had walked from the playground to the center of the school.Next to it is the fountain that the school is proud of. It has been spraying water all year round. The spring is in the center of the river. The water in the river is sprayed, but the water is green.Several times I joked with Dong Shan that there were no fish in the river because the water was too dirty.The fountain is very beautiful. Many people think that our school has such a large fountain that is worth showing off, but they ignore that the water from the fountain has some smell.
Many things look bright on the outside, but are rotten on the inside.Just like this taekwondo class, on the surface, it looks very cool to wear a taekwondo uniform, but there are only a handful of things you can really learn.
I always remember that when I took Taekwondo for the first time, the teacher said: "You follow me and study hard. I guarantee that after one semester, you can at least rise from a white belt to a yellow belt." But in the end, I didn't see our class. Which classmate really rose to the yellow belt.
If this is the case, then I would rather not have this superficial brilliance, because this kind of glamor is not something that everyone can have if they want it. It needs money, and I have no money.
People who are not in my situation may find it difficult to understand my thoughts.The girl who spoke to me just now was like this, she was still in a daze for a long while.
I didn't continue talking to her, and walked to the classroom on my own.After walking for a while, I heard her shouting from behind: "What's your name? I think you are very special, let's make friends! My name is Park Yixin."
"My name is Zhao Linger." I said.
Unexpectedly, this conversation brought me my second friend besides Dong Shan.
Many things are really unpredictable.
(End of this chapter)
01
When we returned to the community, it was already very late.
At the entrance of the corridor, I received a call from my mother.
She said: "Linger, it's raining today, have you been setting up street stalls all day?"
"No, I went home after it rained in the morning, and I went to set it up by myself for a while in the afternoon, but now I'm almost home."
"Well, then you go into the house to see if your dad is at home. He said today that he came back from the construction site. The work in Qingdao is over and they are going to Yantai. I just called him, and his mobile phone was turned off. Go back and see if he's home."
"Oh."
As soon as I finished speaking, my mother hung up the phone. She seemed to be very busy all the time, so she didn't have time to say a word to me.
I laughed at myself, put my phone back in my pocket, and entered the elevator.
I took out the key and opened the door. In the simply decorated two-bedroom house, only my father's luggage was casually placed in the living room, but my father was not at home.
"dad……"
I yelled a few words, but got no response.
After confirming that he was not at home, I helped him put away his luggage, then went into the bedroom to get his clothes and prepared to take a shower.Suddenly, I found that the iron box I hid on the top of the closet was opened and thrown on the ground, and there was nothing in it except a few coins.
I couldn't help but increase my strength with the hand holding the clothes, a chill spread from the bottom of my heart, and my whole body was shaking.
I took out my mobile phone and quickly dialed my mother's number. There was the voice of her chatting with others. I resisted the sourness that came up, and said with a choked voice: "Mom, the passbook in my room is gone. Dad's luggage is at home." , he was not there, his coat was thrown on the floor of my room, maybe he took my money, and then went to gamble again."
"You bastard, you won't change your nature!" Mom cursed fiercely, "I'll talk about it when I get home. You know your father's virtue, and you need to tighten up the money in the future!"
The phone was hung up again, I held the phone and couldn't speak, the breath in my chest was still suffocating, looking at the empty box on the ground, I felt that everything had become so incomprehensible.
why?Why is my life so boring?
As soon as I was born, I was abandoned by my biological parents and came to a new family.I thought I was reborn, and everyone around me told me, Linger, how much your parents love and love you.But this is the love I feel—
Before, I was wronged and stole money. My classmates and teachers didn’t believe me, even my parents didn’t believe me. My mother lost the money and went home crying and beating me, scolding me for not learning well.I felt very painful, not only from being beaten, but what hurt me the most was that she didn't believe me.
In order to repay the mortgage, my parents have been making money outside for many years, and they hardly care about me.As a child, I was always home alone and I was terrified.Because I was too scared, I would go to Lin Jiarui every time I came home from school.Aunt Le Ning went out of town, so I had no choice but to look for Lin Jiarui, but later even Lin Jiarui went to college, and I couldn't pester him every day, so I had to slowly learn to adapt to this terrible loneliness alone.Dad was pretty good at first, hardworking and willing to work, but the good times didn't last long. He was led badly by others and learned to gamble.He also borrowed a lot of money from our former neighbors, but now he can't pay back the money, and he dares not go home on weekdays.Fortunately, the neighbor Uncle Hao talked about his past affection, and no one came to ask my mother and me for debts.
I thought that these lives would pass slowly. I thought that as long as I strive, learn to be self-reliant, and learn to make money, at least, the life I want can still be obtained.I can afford to go to school by myself, whether it's middle school or college, I can do it.But this empty iron box tells me how ridiculous my thinking is.
Zhao Linger, in fact, no one cares about your feelings at all.
02
I desperately want to find an outlet to vent my pent-up depression, but I don't know who to turn to.
The passbook was stolen, and it is impossible to expect my father to return the money to me. Tomorrow's tuition is another headache.Open your mouth and ask your mother if you want it?But the salary she paid a while ago has just paid off the mortgage, and the family has not had any savings in the past few years.Although the tuition fee is only more than 500 yuan, which is not a lot, I am worried that my mother will not be able to afford it.
She is usually busy with work, and in the past two years she knows that I will prepare tuition fees by myself every semester, so she is used to me not reaching out to ask her for money.So I think she spent all the money she earned on paying off debts instead of helping me with tuition.
But there is no way, under such circumstances, I can only reach out and ask her for money.
I know that if I ask, she will take it all away, and as others have said, I can feel it myself occasionally, that she loves me.
For the question of whether my parents love me or not, I have always known that the answer is love.What others said is right, they do love me very much, but the pain does not mean that they can give me the sense of security I want.Some people say that parents make money just to support you?However, maybe what I want is not that they work hard to make money to support me, maybe I would rather make money by myself, I just hope they can spend more time with me.I only hope that one day, they will be free to ask me, Linger, what are you thinking?Whether it's casual, curious, or joking, even if it's a question, I can accept it.
As long as I say "Linger, what are you thinking", just such a sentence will make me feel that I have not been ignored in this family.
In fact, if I could hear such an inquiry, I don't think I would be so sentimental now.
I sighed heavily, washing rice and vegetables mechanically like a robot, preparing for dinner.After preparing a few simple and light side dishes, I filled a bowl of rice, ate it silently, put away the rest of the meal silently, washed the dishes silently, and then blinked my sour eyes to cheer myself up.
It's okay, everything will pass, let the negative energy go!
When the phone rang, I was sitting in the bedroom reading a book. I took out my phone and saw Lin Jiarui's name flashing on it.
I just remembered that since I ran away suddenly at his engagement ceremony that day, we haven't contacted for a while.
The person I should be called Uncle Lin, who has never really intersected with my life, actually I should start learning not to rely on him anymore.
I hung up the phone and continued to read, but the bell rang again soon, repeating impatiently.
Escape is not the best way to solve the problem, I took a deep breath, connected the phone, and shouted "Uncle Lin" awkwardly.
I thought I would hear Lin Jiarui's surprised and joking voice, and thought he would ask me with a smile: "Zhao Linger, you never called me uncle!"
Yes, it will be called that in the future.
But it didn't.
It was a woman who spoke on the other end of the phone. She said, "Linger, I am Teacher Ji. Today I went home with your Uncle Lin. We made a lot of delicious food. Come over and eat together!"
Teacher Ji is Ji Hang, the woman who is engaged to Lin Jiarui, and they are college classmates.Ji Hang is now our school's physical education teacher, specializing in teaching the new yoga class.I heard that she was an illegitimate daughter, she was very good at playing when she was a student, I don't know how Lin Jiarui got together with her.
In my memory, the closest girl to Lin Jiarui, apart from An Xiaoduo who he chased for a long time at the beginning, is my aunt Jian Lening.I used to think that I was the third girl who was closest to him, but now I know that in Lin Jiarui's eyes, I am just the little girl who ran away from home crying.
We are separated by a full ten years, and this ten years is an insurmountable gap.
In the past ten years, because Lin Jiarui and I lived in the same district, when I felt lonely, I would go to Lin Jiarui's house.He used to go to middle school and I went to elementary school. Even if we couldn't see each other every day, we could see each other several times a week.If I go to Aunt Le Ning's house to play, he will mostly stay in his grandpa's shop.Later, Aunt Le Ning left with Qi Xuan, and the original shanty town was also demolished, so we never went back, but we still often stayed together.The longer he stayed, the more he regarded me as a child who hadn't grown up.
Sometimes I think that since Aunt Le Ning and the others left one by one, Lin Jiarui may feel as lonely as I do.
It has become a habit for me to go to Lin Jiarui's house to grab a meal. Even Lin Jiarui's parents joked with the neighbors that I was their youngest daughter.The relationship between me and him can be a relative or a friend, but it cannot be a lover.
Like him is a secret I keep in my heart.
"Sorry, I've finished eating." I sighed heavily, and said to Ji Hang who was still standing by the phone.
Ji Hang smiled awkwardly and asked, "Then do you want to come over to play? Our place is very lively."
"No, I have something else to do."
"Okay then, Linger, I'll hang up then, see you at school."
"Ah."
That's it, just start forgetting!
I hold the phone and say to myself.
The admiration and attachment that were once suppressed in the bottom of my heart, just learn to forget slowly like this.
03
Lying on the bed, it suddenly occurred to me that the thermos bucket I brought meals with when I went to school was broken, and I had to buy a new one, or I wouldn’t be able to bring meals tomorrow.So, I took some out of the money I earned from setting up a street stall in the afternoon, then went out, and hurried to the supermarket in the neighborhood.
There was no delay along the way, I went home after shopping, and when I got to the door of my house, I found that the door of my house was open, and the house was in a mess.
Mom and Dad didn't know when they came back. Dad was holding his luggage and standing by the door, and Mom was pointing at his nose and cursing.
"Zhao Dongxiang, if you dare to walk out of this door today, don't come back! I'll follow you, and you've finally made it through, but you're so disheartened to gamble. You steal money from your child to gamble, and you say you want more money?" Shameless! Anyway, all the money you earn is thrown on the poker field, and this day will not be able to survive, we are divorced!"
"Muhua, don't be angry. I promise this is the last time. I will never gamble again. If I gamble again, I will chop off my hand. Don't cry, don't get excited, I'm leaving, I I will go to Yantai to work tonight, and I promise to make good money!" Dad pleaded, backed away from the door again and again, and accidentally bumped into me.
Dad immediately reached out to support me, pulled me in front of him, and blocked my mother, while he retreated to the door by himself.
He said: "Linger, Dad is really sorry for you this time, and I will never do it again. Dad is leaving first, so please persuade your mother."
After saying that, he left.
Every time he said the last time, never again, but every time his hands were itchy, he would still gamble.It's like a drug addiction, it's hard to quit.
As if all the strength in her body had been taken away, Mom sat on the ground, beating her chest and crying, calling Dad's name and cursing constantly.
She said: "Zhao Dongxiang, how can you treat me like this, why can't you fight for it?"
She said: "Zhao Dongxiang, why can't you be like before? Do you know how much I suffered outside and how hard it was for me alone?"
she says:"……"
"Mom, don't cry. Dad has already left. He said he won't gamble anymore." I knelt down to support my mother and comforted me.
My mother sneered, looked at me with tears all over her face, and said, "Only you can believe your father's nonsense. If he doesn't gamble, the sun will come out from the west."
Mom, in fact, I didn't believe what Dad said, I just wanted to comfort you.
This is not the first time my mother and my father have had a quarrel over gambling. After scolding and arguing, it's just like that. Life still has to go on as usual.
On the dining table, the meals I had prepared were thrown all over the floor, and the dishes were all broken, but my mother turned a blind eye and went back to the room, leaving me alone to clean up the wreckage all over the floor.
Why do you have to throw things when you quarrel?Don't you need money to buy a broken bowl again?
I cleaned up the wreckage all over the place, and then made a few dishes again.When you are in a bad mood, eating something will make you feel better, right?
After I cooked the meal, I went to ask my mother to eat, and she said that she had no appetite and didn't want to eat.After persuasion to no avail, I had to put all the meals in the refrigerator.Looking at the closed door, I sighed and went back to my room.
After returning to the room, I dumped all the things in the cargo box on the bed and began to count the money and keep accounts.
When my mother knocked on the door, I had just finished keeping the accounts, and put all the scattered money and Ye Lan's wallet into my schoolbag.
"Linger, I heard from Dong Shan's mother that you have to pay tuition these days. Your passbook was taken away by your father, so you have no money? My salary for this month will not be paid until next Thursday. You should tell the teacher on Monday, see Let's see if it can be delayed for two days." Mom opened the door and walked in, speaking to me in a hoarse voice.
At this time, her eyes were still red because she had just cried.
Originally, the situation was special this time, and I wanted to ask my mother for money to pay the tuition fees, but now hearing what my mother said, I couldn't open my mouth.
I didn't expect that my mother would take the initiative to ask about my tuition fees, which shows that she actually cares about me.
After careful calculation, He Shuang and Dong Shan's money must be paid back, but I don't have enough money, so I will definitely not be able to pay the tuition fee or pay back the money on Monday.
Although my mother said that I would give it to me after the salary was paid, but when I thought about our mortgage and the debt owed by my father, I couldn't bear it.
My hand was still in the schoolbag, and my fingertips touched the wallet Ye Lan gave me. Suddenly, a thought appeared in my mind——
If I borrow Ye Lan's money first, will he blame me?
Thinking of Ye Lan, his innocent face unconsciously appeared in my mind, and I sighed helplessly.
Ye Lan should not blame me, because he is different from others.
Thinking to myself, I raised my head and looked at my mother, wanting to reassure her, and said with a smile: "Mom, I have already paid for the tuition fee. It is money other than the passbook. Don't worry. You haven't had dinner yet. go eat!"
"Well, since you've prepared it, I'm relieved. Linger, mom doesn't know what to say. I just hope your dad can fight for you in the future and let you suffer less."
Mom wiped her tears, sniffed and left the room.
I looked at her thin back, and the tip of my nose was slightly sore. In fact, it was not easy for my mother.
The mobile phone on the desk rang suddenly, I woke up from my contemplation, and answered the phone without carefully checking who was calling.
When Lin Jiarui's voice sounded, I was stunned for a moment.
"Linger, why didn't you come to our house for dinner today? Your teacher Ji called you, why didn't you come? Have you had dinner? We're going to have a midnight snack later, are you coming?"
I was silent and didn't answer for a while.Suddenly, I realized that, except for myself, no one saw that I was depressed because of Lin Jiarui's engagement, not even Lin Jiarui.Didn't he notice that I haven't seen him for nearly a month since he got engaged?
After graduating from university, he worked as a fitness instructor in a gymnasium. He is no longer like boarding at school when he was studying, and now he goes home from get off work on time every day.In the past, I always liked to go to his house for dinner after school, until Ji Hang appeared, I never went there again.
Doesn't he find it strange?Was my sudden alienation not worth mentioning to them?
There was a suffocation in my chest, and I didn't even say a word, so I hung up the phone, turned it off, and threw the phone aside.
I just want Lin Jiarui to know that I am very unhappy.
04
Winter isn't over, and neither is that nasty run after the second period.I kind of miss the time when I used to do inter-class exercises. Although it is also stipulated that exercises must be done, but standing in the team, you occasionally get lazy and don’t want to work hard. It’s okay to do it casually.However, running is different. No matter how lazy you are, you have to run three laps around the entire plastic track from the starting point with the team.
After running back to the classroom from the playground, I mixed in with the crowd and was blocked in the corridor outside the classroom, panting desperately.As soon as the air was exhaled from the mouth, it turned into mist.
I habitually found a support, and leaned my arms on the railing. There was a cloud of water vapor on the white tiles, and my sleeves were wet in an instant.I raised my arms in annoyance, looked at the soaked sleeves, sighed helplessly, and put my hands back into my pockets.My fingertips touched the cold shell of the phone, and the frustration in my heart became stronger.
Since the phone was turned on in the morning, until now, there has been no response.No missed calls, and no unread text messages.
Look, Zhao Linger, you think too much of yourself.
After being squeezed several times, my throat choked, and I suddenly coughed desperately, and for some reason, I coughed up tears.I was about to wipe it when I heard someone shouting from the crowd: "Zhao Linger, the head teacher asked you to go to the office."
I don't know who called it, but when I turned around, I saw He Shuang standing at the door of their Class [-] classroom, gave me a cold look, and then walked towards the teacher's office.
The veins on my forehead twitched a few times, and soon I shook my wet sleeves, squeezed out of the crowd indifferently, and followed.
I knew that He Shuang is a guy who loves to toss.
"Zhao Linger, He Shuang from Class [-] said you owed her money, is it true?"
After entering the door, the head teacher of our class leaned against the office chair with a water glass, took a sip of tea, and raised his eyebrows to ask me.
He Shuang and his head teacher stood aside, looking at me expressionlessly.
I glanced at He Shuang, raised the corners of my mouth provocatively, and said calmly: "No, I never took her money."
It's not that I don't want to pay back He Shuang's money, on the contrary, I'm already ready to pay her back the tens of dollars.But before she apologized to me, I didn't want to give it back to her so easily.
Don't think that if you report to the teacher, I will be scared. If He Shuang is capable, he doesn't need the teacher's help.
"You nonsense! Teacher Zhang, Zhao Linger really took my money and refused to return it. She and Dong Shan set up a street stall. I once gave her 500 yuan and wanted to partner with them. Later, when I saw that they were in trouble, I didn't want to I continued to partner, so I asked them for money. Zhao Linger said, I took 200 yuan from them, and asked me to return the share to them. So, I only asked them to return me 300 yuan, but she still You owe me 89 yuan!" He Shuang pointed at my nose and complained to Teacher Zhang.
Teacher Zhang put down his teacup, his expression became serious, and he said, "Zhao Linger, the teacher thinks that you are usually quite quiet and your grades are not bad. The teacher doesn't want to make things difficult for you. If you really took He Shuang's money, you will return it." Give it to her. It’s only eighty or so yuan, just ask your parents, it’s not good to talk about this kind of thing.”
"Teacher, it's not that I don't want to pay it back, it's that I really didn't take it." I denied it again.
He Shuang's face turned red with anger, and she stomped her feet and yelled, "Zhao Linger, you are lying, you obviously took my money!"
"Well, you insist that I took your money, so who saw it?" I asked helplessly, turning my head to look at the teachers who were looking at us, "Teacher, it's not that I don't want to pay it back, but that I really want to pay it back." I didn’t take it. If He Shuang really thinks that I took it, I’ll give it back to her. I don’t need to ask my parents for it. I earned pocket money myself. But I didn’t take it. She insisted on saying so, so I posted the money Not comfortable either."
After I pretended to be innocent, He Shuang was so angry that he wanted to rush up and beat me. If the head teacher of their class hadn't caught her in time, I would probably have been beaten.
"Okay, Zhao Linger, let the teacher trust you once. He Shuang, since Zhao Linger said that she didn't take your money, but you insisted that she took your money and wouldn't pay it back, then the teacher asks you, who saw it?" Did you give Zhao Linger any money?" Teacher Zhang turned to ask He Shuang.
He Shuang glared at me fiercely, bit his lip and shook his head, then nodded and shouted: "Yes, Dong Shan, who set up the stall with her, was there at the time. Dong Shan is from Class [-]. But they are good friends." Friends, she will definitely help Zhao Linger."
"He Shuang, don't talk nonsense. When I was called by the teacher, I didn't know what I was talking about. How could I have time to talk to Dong Shan? If the teacher doesn't believe me, call Dong Shan now and go outside alone Ask her, don't let us meet, see what she says."
Seemingly thinking that my proposal was feasible, the head teacher of He Shuang's class immediately walked out of the office and walked in the direction of Class [-], probably to ask Dong Shan for questioning.
It was He Shuang who suddenly reported this matter to the teacher. I was really surprised to come here.It is estimated that He Shuang also thought that Dong Shan and I had no time to breathe, so she let her teacher go to Dong Shan.
At this moment, she looked at me very proudly, as if she was sure that Dong Shan would be frightened by the teacher and tell the whole thing.
Dong Shan is indeed an honest person, but an honest person does not mean that she has no brains.The teacher asked Dong Shan for questioning, and Dong Shan would definitely know that something was wrong.
I have only known Dong Shan for two years. Although it is not long, she is really a rare friend of mine.Before I met Dong Shan, I was basically alone.
Dong Shan and I knew each other because my mother worked as a waiter in the same hotel as her mother.Once, I set up a stall near the hotel where my mother worked, and it happened to be raining, so I went to my mother's place to shelter from the rain. I happened to meet Dong Shan who was playing at her mother's place, and then I became familiar with it.Dong Shan was very interested in knowing that I came out to set up a stall on weekends.She also always felt that weekends were boring and wanted to find something to do, so at the instigation of my mother, Dong Shan and I cooperated.
Fate is really a wonderful thing. In the days when Dong Shan and I got along, we had quarrels and unpleasant moments, but most of them were in the initial running-in period. After that, the two people’s ideas became more and more similar, and their personalities were also very compatible. We got along very well. good.
Although we are not in the same class and we don't often meet each other, this does not affect the friendship and tacit understanding between us.So I am not worried at all that Dong Shan will betray me, because since the teacher went to her for questioning, it obviously means that He Shuang has passed the matter to the teacher, and she will definitely be very careful when answering questions.
Sure enough, He Shuang's class teacher came back after a while. She patted He Shuang on the shoulder and said, "Let's go, it's time to go to class."
Hearing this, I knew it in my heart, Dong Shan did a great job.
He Shuang was naturally unwilling to leave, she grabbed the teacher's hand and asked Dong Shan what she had said.
Her head teacher sighed and said, "He Shuang, the teacher thinks you may have misremembered. Dong Shan said she didn't know about it, and I don't think she is lying. Think about it when you go back. See if you lent the money to others, let’s forget about it. Everyone go back to class, don’t delay your studies.”
"Teacher, it's not a question of whether it counts or not. If I really took it, I would naturally give it to He Shuang, but if I really didn't take it, there is no such thing as 'does it count'." Her class teacher just After finishing speaking, I interrupted.
He Shuang's class teacher fell silent, and He Shuang shouted again: "Dong Shan is lying, teacher, you believe me! Zhao Linger and Dong Shan are really lying."
"Okay, He Shuang! Dong Shan and Zhao Linger didn't know about this matter before you talked about it. How could they have time to collude? I also know Dong Shan's character. She is an honest child. This matter will stop here Let's go!" This time it was the math teacher of Dong Shan's class who was speaking at the next table.
He Shuang was speechless immediately, but bit his lip and stared at me fiercely.
I looked back at her generously, with a magnanimous look.
I'm not the Zhao Ling'er I was when I was a child. If you want to compare yourself to pretending to be stupid, no one can compare to me now.I said it earlier, if she doesn't apologize, I won't give her money.
Whether it is tens of dollars, a few dollars or hundreds of dollars, what I care about is not the money, but my self-esteem.
But this time I lied, I just want He Shuang to understand that I am not easy to bully, as for the money, I will still return it to her.
If you are greedy for her money, then you really have no self-esteem.
Coming out of the office, I ran into Ji Hang at the door who had returned from physical education class.Ji Hang works in the office next door. I have always known that I saw her walking in with her bag several times in the morning, and Lin Jiarui sent her here a few times.
I didn't want to watch her on purpose, it was because I happened to see her when I was watching Lin Jiarui.
Before, many people in the school said that Teacher Ji had a tall and handsome boyfriend. I never wanted to believe it, even if I saw them inseparable at the stairs.Until that day, when Lin Jiarui got engaged and invited our family to a banquet, I woke up from the state of self-deception and had to believe it.
Ji Hang obviously stood at the door of the office for a while, probably heard our quarrel, maybe he also knew what happened.
She looked at me hesitantly, as if she saw that I was lying.
"Spirit ear."
When Ji Hang called me in a low voice, I had already avoided her and ran to my classroom as quickly as if I was running away from a demon, pretending I didn't see her or hear her calling me.
I don't like Ji Hang, not since seeing her with Lin Jiarui.
05
At noon, I went to Dong Shan's class to have lunch with her.
We don't often eat together on weekdays, because I often bring meals to school and rarely go out to eat.But today was different, I overslept in the morning and didn't have time to prepare lunch for myself.When I got up, my mother had already gone to work as usual, and she didn't have time to help me prepare these.
However, fortunately, I still have some money with me, which was earned from setting up a street stall yesterday, and Ye Lan's wallet is also with me.
Before I got to the classroom of Dong Shan's class, she had already walked out of the door and ran straight to our class. We just ran into each other on the road.
"Linger! Linger!" Dong Shan exclaimed, with an excited expression on her face.
As soon as she saw me, she rushed over and grabbed my sleeve, eager to talk to me.Suddenly, she remembered something again, glanced at the classroom of Class [-], stuck out her tongue, and dragged me straight downstairs.
When we left, He Shuang was coming out of their classroom, looking at us with a gloomy expression.
As soon as I left He Shuang's sight, Dong Shan couldn't help poking my arm with her finger, and smiled mysteriously.
"Linger, what's the matter, isn't He Shuang angry this time? Did you see her face just now? How ugly!"
"In the office this morning, her complexion was even uglier than before." I walked forward and said with a smile.
Dong Shan leaned against me and moved with me.
When it's meal time, the school gate is very lively.There are many hawkers pushing trolleys at the door to sell food, including Shanghai fried buns, wontons, noodles, finger cakes and many other foods.After crossing a road, there are also many food shops on the opposite side, such as Malatang, Shaxian snacks, rice bowls and so on.
Dong Shan used to love to run to the omelette stall in front of the school. When we came out, that stall was surrounded by the most students.However, Dong Shan didn't even look at it this time, and pulled me to the side of the road.
Dong Shan said: "Ling'er, when you see egg pancakes in the future, you just need to remember one thing, they are the forbidden fruit of the Garden of Eden. You have tasted it, and you have suffered. Don't be obsessed with it in the future, and you won't be caught a second time." Chance to seduce."
I know that Dong Shan is feeling sorry for me. The omelette in my memory tastes bitter, and I don’t like bitter things, so of course I won’t eat it again, even if it’s given to me.
Dong Shan pulled me across the road and sat down at the Lanzhou Ramen Restaurant across the street. She patted her chest proudly and said, "Linger, I am treating you today."
I think Dong Shan must think that I don't have much money and wants to save money for me.When I think about it, I feel very warm in my heart.
Dong Shan ordered two small bowls of beef ramen. I didn't refuse her generosity, so I picked up chopsticks and ate.The hot noodle soup slid into the stomach, and the whole stomach was warmed up.Dong Shan added a lot of chili to the noodles, she likes spicy food, the spicier the better.I was eating the noodles in the bowl, and hearing Dong Shan's sniffling voice, I couldn't help but raise the corners of my mouth.
Fortunately, we are friends, and we will not feel sick because of a certain indecent behavior of the other party, but more because we think this is the true temperament.
Before Dong Shan finished eating, I made an excuse to go to the toilet and paid for the ramen.
When we came out of the ramen restaurant, Dong Shan pinched my arm angrily, and said dissatisfiedly: "Didn't you agree to invite me?"
I smiled and told her about the fact that I made more than 100 yuan from setting up a street stall yesterday afternoon. Dong Shan said hurriedly after hearing it: "Don't give me the money you made yesterday, and I didn't go. You can take it alone." gone."
I jokingly said: "I didn't intend to give it to you!"
Dong Shan laughed and said, "I still don't like those little money!"
As I walked, I explained: "I took the money to buy a batch of goods, count us together, and make up for the ones that were lost yesterday. When that batch of goods is sold out, we will split the money. The last batch of goods will be counted as me." It’s okay for people to lose it.”
"How can I do that? Don't you lose money? There is only one box left from the last batch of goods, and the rest are lost. You only sold more than 100 yuan, and the cost can't be recovered." Dong Shan shouted, "No way. , I will share it with you equally, otherwise I will not feel at ease when I take the money in the future."
"Let's talk!" I rubbed her hair, put my hands back into my clothes pockets, and walked forward without saying anything.
I didn't tell Dong Shan that the money I saved was used by my dad for gambling, and I didn't mention to her that the money for this purchase was taken from Ye Lan's wallet.Dong Shan didn't even know that my father owed a lot of debts from gambling. No matter how fierce my mother scolded at home, the family scandal should not be exposed. Outside, she never mentioned these things to others.As for Ye Lan, it was a reunion that even I myself hadn't thought about, and I hadn't thought about bringing this up with Dong Shan before.
In fact, it's not that I'm afraid that Dong Shan will spread the word after knowing these things. I believe she won't do that. I just don't want her to worry.
After returning to school, I returned the money that Dong Shan gave to He Shuang for me last time, but Dong Shan refused to take it anyway, saying that the money should be used as compensation for the lost goods.Although it is not enough, but if she gave it, let me not feel too little.I was a little dumbfounded, and insisted on giving it to her, but she nimbly flashed into the classroom of their class, shut me outside the door, and made faces at me inside.
I was helpless, but I felt very touched, waved to her, and left.
Back in the classroom, I found that there were not many students who came back after dinner.I originally wanted to sleep on the table for a while, but suddenly I didn’t feel sleepy anymore, so I took out my math textbook and prepared to do the questions. I didn’t expect that there was a piece of paper in the textbook, and the paper was deliberately scribbled like a snake——
"Zhao Ling'er, don't think it's over, tell you, there's no way!"
The signature is "He Shuang".
I smiled disapprovingly, stuffed the note and the money I was going to return to Dong Shan into my trouser pocket, and continued to do the questions as if nothing had happened.
He Shuang is just too impatient. I originally planned to return the money to her before school today.
06
"The birds on the tree are in pairs, the flowers on the ground are destroyed by people, I say when the spring breeze will come, and the willow leaves on the lake are messing with the water..."
"Kumquat, what song are you singing?"
"Haha, I made it up myself."
After the self-study class in the evening, several students were looking for their cars in the carport, chatting and laughing from time to time.
I bent down to open the car lock, and suddenly I was hit hard from behind. I threw myself forward, and my legs hit the back seat of the car, which hurt a little.
"I'm sorry! I didn't do it on purpose, didn't I hurt you?" Someone came around me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said embarrassingly.
"Kumquat, why did you bump into her?" Another girl came over and whispered to Jinju.
Jin Ju glared at her and muttered, "It's not because you hit me."
I know both of these girls from our class. I can't say whether I like or dislike them, and I haven't dealt with them on weekdays.It's not that I'm difficult to get along with, but that they don't want to associate with me, and I don't want to be cheeky and take the initiative to get close to them.
"I'm fine, sorry, please let me go, I'm leaving."
I have to go to He Shuang to pay her back, I don't have time to spend with Kumquat and the others.It was already 09:30 in the next night's self-study, and I just wanted to finish He Shuang's matter early and go home early.
"Hey, Zhao Ling'er, if you feel uncomfortable, just say so. I'll just apologize to you. Why do you speak so eccentrically?" I don't know why my tone of voice is wrong, Kumquat grabbed my hand and said.
"I don't feel sick, I just want to go home quickly, and I don't mean to blame you." I said patiently, and then looked outside the shed, only to see He Shuang riding out of the shed.
"I won't tell you guys yet, I'm going to chase someone." I broke away from Kumquat's hand, pushed the car and walked out of the shed.
Kumquat and the others didn't stop me anymore, they just looked at each other with a look of disgust, as if I was the kind of person who was difficult to get along with.
Whatever, I don't intend to have anything to do with them anyway.
After all, it was still a step too late. By the time I chased after him, He Shuang had long since disappeared.I sighed helplessly, changed direction, and rode straight home.
I didn't expect to meet Lin Jiarui downstairs in my house, and it was after ten o'clock in the evening.
As soon as Lin Jiarui saw me, he hurried over, as if he was waiting for me specially.
I originally wanted to call him Uncle Lin as I had decided before, but when I faced him in person, I just couldn't yell out, so I kept silent.
Lin Jiarui walked up to me and yelled at me angrily: "Zhao Linger, if you are short of money, just tell us directly, what is the money for cheating classmates?"
I was baffled by the yelling, and after a long while, I realized what Lin Jiarui was talking about.
"Where did I cheat other people's money? Ji Hang told you! Which eye did she see? What does my matter have to do with her? She doesn't know and is talking nonsense!"
I seldom get angry, and if I feel uncomfortable, I seldom express it directly.But this time, I felt inexplicably upset and yelled at Lin Jiarui.
I've said that I don't like Ji Hang, and I don't like Ji Hang who reports to Lin Jiarui whenever he has nothing to do.Who is Lin Jiarui to me?It's not my dad, it's not my mother, it's not my uncle.Who is she, Ji Hang, to me?What are you doing with my business?
"How do you talk, girl? I haven't seen you for a long time, and you are so rude. Who taught you? Did you not learn well in school? Did you call Ji Hang too? You should call her Teacher Ji or Aunt Ji. If you really didn't cause any trouble, why did Ji Hang tell me about it..."
"How do I know if she is bored and talking nonsense with you?" Before Lin Jiarui finished speaking, I suddenly shouted at him with red eyes as if possessed.
"Slap!" A crisp slap sounded.
I just felt a stabbing pain on my face, I raised my head and looked at Lin Jiarui who was also astonished in disbelief.
Lin Jiarui stammered: "Linger, I... I didn't do it on purpose, I... I'll rub it for you... It hurts..."
Lin Jiarui wanted to reach out to touch my face, but I avoided it indifferently, stepped aside, bit my lip arrogantly and looked at him.A strong sense of soreness surged from the depths of my heart to the tip of my nose, and I suppressed it in the end.
I am no longer the Zhao Linger I was when I was a child, and I will never cry in front of Lin Jiarui again.
"I finally know why Aunt Le Ning didn't choose you in the end, because you only pretended to regret and say useless apologies after hurting others! Lin Jiarui, Jian Le Ning deserves not to love you!"
I am cruel, I have been hurt, and I want to make the other person hurt.I am stubborn in my bones, unwilling to admit defeat, unwilling to suffer losses, and can say any cruel words in order to maintain my self-esteem.
I know very well what to do to hurt Lin Jiarui. The seemingly mature man in front of me is as immature as he was when he was young. He has two deep scars on his body, one was given by An Xiaoduo, and the other is by Jian Lening given.
Lin Jiarui's affection for An Xiaoduo was just obsession and obsession when he was young, but it was different for Jian Lening, he would always have an indelible guilt towards her.Because of this guilt, even when he realized that he loved her, he still dared not say it out loud, because even he himself doubted whether he could stop hurting her.
If the pain that An Xiaoduo brought to him will gradually fade with the passage of time, then the pain that Jian Lening brought to him will only become deeper and deeper.
"Zhao Ling'er, do you even think I'm not worthy to love your Aunt Le Ning?" Lin Jiarui shuddered and asked sadly.
The pain in his eyes was evident.
I sneered, turned my head, suppressed the pain, and didn't want to look at him.
"Yes! You are not even as good as Qi Xuan. At the very least, Qi Xuan will make Aunt Le Ning despair directly, but you will only give her hope again and again, and let her collapse in disappointment."
Before Lin Jiarui could speak, I ran into the stairs and quickly pressed the elevator button.The elevator door closed slowly, and through the crack of the door, I could still clearly see Lin Jiarui's decadent figure.
The second the elevator door was completely closed, my tears finally fell. I covered my chest and gritted my teeth to prevent myself from crying.The pain on my face was given by Lin Jiarui, but the pain in my heart was given by me, because I fell hopelessly in love with Lin Jiarui who shouldn't be loved.
It's not that Lin Jiarui is bad, it's not that he's not good enough for Jian Lening, but that he's not cruel enough, he didn't hurt Jian Lening thoroughly enough, he couldn't bear to seriously hurt himself once; but I'm crueler than Lin Jiarui, I'd rather choose to hurt the one I love, hurt myself , but also to keep my self-esteem.
It turned out that my love for Lin Jiarui was nothing more than that.
At the end of the day, I'm still selfish.
After entering the house, it was dark inside, and my mother was working overtime and hadn't come home yet.
I entered the house without turning on the light, and after closing the door, I hid in the dark and cried alone.Although I said such cruel things to Lin Jiarui just now, it doesn't mean that I don't feel uncomfortable.
Tired of crying, I numbly got up from the ground and mechanically walked into the room without washing up.I lay in bed, closed my eyes, and forced myself not to think about those things.
I know that when I open my eyes again, the world will still be the same.
07
"Zhao Linger, I didn't want to leave it like this at first, but Teacher Ji talked to me. She gave me money and told me not to trouble you anymore. I think I just let it go. Anyway, the money I should take I have already got it, and it is meaningless to fight with someone like you. I came here just to tell you that I have settled with you, and I will not owe anyone in the future."
The next day, before morning reading class, He Shuang pulled me out of the carport and found a quiet place to talk to me.
I didn't look at her, I just took out Ye Lan's wallet from my schoolbag, took out 90 yuan and handed it to her, and said hoarsely, "I'll give you your money, and you give me back Ji Hang's money." .”
He Shuang couldn't figure it out, and said impatiently: "Zhao Linger, are you sick? Isn't it the same? If you want to pay back Teacher Ji's money, just give it to her. What do you want in exchange for me? Are you afraid that Teacher Ji will pay you back?" Too much? Let me tell you, she didn’t give too much, and I’m not that kind of person. 89 is 89, and I didn’t charge a dime more. Teacher Ji gave me 100 yuan and told me not to look for it, but I still gave it. She is gone. You are not the only one with strong self-esteem in this world. I also have strong self-esteem. I called you a thief before, but you embarrass me in the office and make the teachers feel that I am unreasonable. Let's settle the matter , you don't want me to apologize. Goodbye, never see you again. "
After He Shuang finished speaking, he turned around and left with his schoolbag on his back.
I froze in place like a puppet, still holding the money that He Shuang hadn't taken.
"It's different, Ji Hang is different from me." He Shuang has already walked a long way, I muttered to myself.
Standing outside for a long time, the bell for the morning reading class rang, and I had no intention of entering the classroom. I always felt that when Ji Hang found He Shuang for me, I lost.I lost to Ji Hang even before I started fighting.
I put the crumpled money back into Ye Lan's wallet, and suddenly thought that I haven't looked for him since I took Ye Lan's wallet.Ye Lan is also studying in our school. It stands to reason that since he just transferred, there will be some news from the school.Maybe it's because I never gossip with others, so I haven't heard any news about Ye Lan.
Regardless of whether he really wanted to give this wallet to me or not, since I have used his money, I naturally have to tell him that I am only borrowing it temporarily and will return it to him later.I wonder if he will understand what I mean?
Packing up my mood, I ran upstairs quickly.The classroom is on the sixth floor. When I ran to the door of the classroom, I was already out of breath.
Today is the English morning reading class, and the English teacher has already stood on the podium and stared at the students in the audience with arms folded.
"report!"
I yelled at the door, and the teacher looked back at me, as if waiting for my explanation.
"I have a stomach ache."
In desperation, I lowered my head and lied embarrassingly, and soon got the teacher's forgiveness and was allowed to enter the classroom.
As if nothing happened, I sat on my seat reciting words and reading notes as usual.Near the end of get out of class, the whole class did a dictation of words.As soon as the get out of class bell rang, as usual, most of the people were busy with their own breakfast.
The current study life is like this, so busy that even the time for eating is very tight.
I took the thermos bucket I prepared out of my schoolbag and put it in the drawer, and habitually turned my head to look out the window.The building at the back is for the second grade, and our third grade is the front one.
As soon as get out of class is over, the corridors on each floor of the second grade are full of classmates.Looking back at the corridors of our third grade, except for the exercise time, few people usually go out.After all, it was still because of the busy schoolwork.
"Zhao Linger, where's your math homework from yesterday? It's due."
While I was thinking, I heard someone knock on my desk a few times.
I heard the sound and glanced at the study committee member who came to collect the homework. I didn't say anything, but just took out the written test paper from the desk and handed it to her.
The study committee member left as soon as he got the test paper, as if he had never been here.Sometimes I also wonder why I am out of tune with other classmates, is it really because I am too difficult to get along with?Am I too introverted?But when I set up a street stall, I was very cheerful. Sometimes Dong Shan felt ashamed to yell, so I was the one who yelled all the time. Why?Is it because I don't like to take the initiative to talk to others?
Every time I think about this kind of question, my mind will fall into a state of asking and answering myself.But in the end, nothing changed. I still don’t like to take the initiative to talk to others, and others don’t want to talk to me. I’m still alone.
I have been in this state since elementary school until now, and it has never changed.
Maybe the person who made me want to change hasn't appeared yet!
08
After a chaotic morning, the first class in the afternoon was a physical education class once a week, and I took Taekwondo as an elective.
"Okay, are you ready for the taekwondo uniforms that you asked everyone to prepare last time? We still have a few students here who still don't wear taekwondo uniforms to class. Is it because they didn't buy them, or did they forget to change them?" The taekwondo teacher stood in the gymnasium In front of the door, with his hands behind his back, he asked seriously.
I was one of the few classmates who didn't wear the gi, and I lowered my head uncomfortably when I heard this.
It's not that I can't buy it, or that I forgot to change it, but that I didn't buy it at all.Because a set of Taoist clothing costs more than 100, we have few physical education classes, and we can’t take a few classes. If we buy a Taoist uniform, it will definitely be wasted in the end.
"It's still the same sentence. Students who don't wear Taoist uniforms are not allowed to enter the gym. It's up to you whether you learn or not, and you still have to take the final exam. If you want to enter the gym, don't ignore my words next time."
After the teacher finished speaking, he opened the door of the gymnasium and walked in first.
The other students wearing Taoist uniforms looked at us who were not wearing Taoist uniforms with different expressions, and followed the teacher in one after another.
I can't go in for class, and I won't stand outside for a class stupidly. As soon as they leave, I will start to go back to the classroom to do exercises.There was also a girl who was turned away at the same time, and she walked up to me in embarrassment.
"Did you forget to buy it too?"
Our physical education class is an elective class, and each student can choose courses according to their own interests, so the students who take the class together in the end come from several classes.The girl I was talking to was not in our class. The new semester had just started, and today was the second formal physical education class, so I didn't know her yet.
"No, I don't think it's worth buying, so I didn't buy it." I said truthfully.
The expression on the girl's face froze for a moment, and she quickly nodded sympathetically and said, "I don't think it's worth it either. My friend's school doesn't even require taekwondo to wear a gi. It’s quite expensive, and you can’t wear it on weekdays except for class. But the teacher won’t let you into the gym if you don’t wear it. We can’t attend class, so what happens to the exam at the end of the semester? Is there any difference between him doing this and forcing us to buy Taoist uniforms?”
"There are videos on the Internet for learning Taekwondo. If you really don't want to buy them, you can choose time to study online."
"is this okay?"
"I choose taekwondo every semester, and I don't buy taekwondo uniforms every year. It's just like this. Anyway, he only sees whether we wear taekwondo uniforms. If we don't wear them, we are not allowed to enter. Except for exams, he doesn't count the number of people on weekdays. Except for the first registration, I usually don’t go to class afterwards, but I study by myself in the classroom, and then ask a classmate who learns Taekwondo to ask what is taught and when the exam is, just prepare in advance.” My tone was relaxed said.
The girl who was walking with me obviously heard this kind of words for the first time, she opened her eyes wide in surprise and said, "Is this okay?"
"As long as you make up your mind to do it, there is nothing impossible." I turned my head to look at her and said seriously.
Before we knew it, we had walked from the playground to the center of the school.Next to it is the fountain that the school is proud of. It has been spraying water all year round. The spring is in the center of the river. The water in the river is sprayed, but the water is green.Several times I joked with Dong Shan that there were no fish in the river because the water was too dirty.The fountain is very beautiful. Many people think that our school has such a large fountain that is worth showing off, but they ignore that the water from the fountain has some smell.
Many things look bright on the outside, but are rotten on the inside.Just like this taekwondo class, on the surface, it looks very cool to wear a taekwondo uniform, but there are only a handful of things you can really learn.
I always remember that when I took Taekwondo for the first time, the teacher said: "You follow me and study hard. I guarantee that after one semester, you can at least rise from a white belt to a yellow belt." But in the end, I didn't see our class. Which classmate really rose to the yellow belt.
If this is the case, then I would rather not have this superficial brilliance, because this kind of glamor is not something that everyone can have if they want it. It needs money, and I have no money.
People who are not in my situation may find it difficult to understand my thoughts.The girl who spoke to me just now was like this, she was still in a daze for a long while.
I didn't continue talking to her, and walked to the classroom on my own.After walking for a while, I heard her shouting from behind: "What's your name? I think you are very special, let's make friends! My name is Park Yixin."
"My name is Zhao Linger." I said.
Unexpectedly, this conversation brought me my second friend besides Dong Shan.
Many things are really unpredictable.
(End of this chapter)
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