Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 30
The party who invests more in extramarital affairs often puts great pressure on the other party, such as demanding, blaming, and complaining. Of course, the latter has various self-defense methods against pressure. The significance and benefits of (theirs) are too great to be resolved, at least temporarily, until all possible means have been tried.These methods include intentionally withholding inner thoughts and feelings, being cold, meeting less often, or going a step further to fight back by doing something absurdly shady.

But in the end, the most solid bastion against deep investment and the most irreproachable excuse is the existing family.The defensive partner thinks about it all the time, and even talks to the cheating partner about love for children, loyalty to a kind but boring spouse, duty of duty, and moral principles.The situation of Hou Shaowen and Su Rui is an example.

Hou Shaowen and Su Rui
Even though she knew from the beginning that Hou Shaowen was satisfied with his marriage and would not consider divorce.For her, her extramarital affair with Shaowen has gradually become exciting and anxious, in a word, incomplete.The dissatisfaction comes from leaving him every time after a passionate relationship, and then returning home to be with the children, and constantly struggling to make ends meet and manage her small home.What upsets her even more is that after flirting with her and making love to her, Shaowen shared too much private life with his wife Liu Manqiong.He always mentioned that look when he and Manjoon went to a party or planned a vacation together, completely ignoring her sour grapes psychology by his side.Thinking of this, she felt a sense of frustration and jealousy in her heart.She tried to act nonchalant, but couldn't.

Hou Shaowen:
"When she met me for dinner, she suddenly became more and more inexplicably sullen. I always tried to amuse her and avoid asking her what was bothering her, because I knew quite well why. Sometimes, She said it quickly, she would say that she knew what the relationship with me would be, and she was willing to continue to maintain the status quo, but sometimes her mood was so low that she couldn't control it. The implication was that she needed a man around the clock, Someone who could fully meet her loving needs and attention."

Su Rui:

"Sometimes my dissatisfaction rushes up my throat like gastric juices. I wonder what the hell I'm doing? Is it worth it? We've been dating for two or three years and it's still the same. Even though we see each other a lot, I still feel good Loneliness, being home alone half the nights of the week, I feel like he's shutting me out of most of his life and keeping him out of mine. He can see my unhappiness and dissatisfaction, and sometimes gives When I comfort him, he will tell me not to waste myself on him.”

These conversations get especially heated every time a long holiday rolls around.Every time two people can't get together for a long time, and I know that he will be with Liu Manqiong and their friends, I will be very depressed and sad.He knew my mood, but he always turned a deaf ear and turned a blind eye.Even when the National Day holiday came around last year, I started going to single-parent parties and dating the men I met at the parties.He was noncommittal about my behavior, and he seemed to irritate me with his silence.We quarreled more and more, spoke more and more badly, and our relationship hit rock bottom.

One night, we were sitting in the park arguing, and all of a sudden, we looked at each other and said that we really shouldn't break up when we are angry, so we can leave and keep some happy memories for each other.So, as lovers and friends, we decided to make a clean break and never see each other again.

It's hard to say goodbye when we meet!When we were separated, we hugged each other and wept bitterly, but we both felt an unprecedented relief.He kissed me and went away, leaving me sitting there for a long time. "

Hou Shaowen:
"She kept telling me about a nice guy with a future. I was like, 'Okay! Then it's time to let him go before the good memories are ruined. I mean, for your sake , I won’t bother you.’ But she didn’t make a sound. I said: ‘Well, if you don’t want to talk, I have to say it. Let’s not meet again. I won’t bother you anymore.’ She said:’ Well, that's it.' I kissed her on the cheek and walked away. I felt both relieved and sad.

The next morning, I called her home, and she answered, her voice was weak as if she was ill, and she seemed to have just cried.She said she couldn't face the world.I was so sad to hear that.I immediately put down my work and arrived at her house around ten o'clock.When we met, we hugged each other like never before.Everything is back to normal.But my pity and nobility lasted only twelve hours. "

They revisit their breakup from time to time.One night in late spring and early summer, he proposed that his two-year lease on a condominium was about to expire.Maybe he shouldn't renew because they're not sure how long they'll need the place, she said.Although these words sounded harsh to Hou Shaowen, he still agreed with her.

"In fact, her suggestion is exactly what I think. It is good for her and good for me. The suite has become a symbol, a heavy obligation, so convenient that it has become an inescapable chain for the two of us." It makes me often leave my family and children behind, and it makes Su Rui think about me when developing relationships with other men. In short, it is a relief to give up the apartment and make the relationship go backwards. But I still have to admit that even if Now, two years later, it's sad to think back to the moment when we moved our things out and slammed the door behind us. It took a lot to keep her from seeing how strongly I felt. cover up."

Su Rui:

"Our relationship took a big step backwards when the door to the suite slammed shut. I was really devastated. I started to feel that the relationship was doing me a disservice and that I'd better get out of it. I told myself that even if he suddenly If I change my mind, even if he wants me to be his wife, I don't want to be the chief culprit in destroying his family and marriage, otherwise my conscience will be deeply disturbed. I tell myself that he and I may not be able to maintain a happy marriage at all: one, if He called and said that he had business and would not come home at night. I would never worry about him. Second, I may never develop the virtues like his wife, because I do not have her well-cultivated family background. I will always Afraid that he will find a woman out there like his wife who can play her role better than me. Of course, these are my own assumptions, in fact, I know we will never get married unless his wife shows up very Incident. Ideally she ran off with another man, but she is the last woman to do such a thing. Or she dies suddenly in a car accident, or suffers a sudden fatal illness. I say this, subconscious It’s scary to have this kind of expectation in my life, isn’t it? But women in my situation often have this kind of psychology.”

Tian Zhen and Yun Jie's extramarital relationship also has problems because the former repeatedly thinks about his wife and daughter at home.

Tian Zhen and Yun Jie

Tian Zhen nodded, but thought of home again.I told my family today that I would go back early.Dinner should be ready by this time, and the wife and child are sitting around the table, the wife will not mention it, and the child is waiting eagerly for him to go back on time.No, you still have to go home.With that in mind, he waved his hand and stopped a taxi.

"Should we go to Liuben for dinner?" Tian Zhen looked at Yun Jie inquiringly.He decided not to think about family matters anymore, and took Yun Jie into the car.

The two sat down at the dinner table, ordered wine, and began to toast.This store is usually full of young men and women who are office workers and love each other.Maybe because today is Sunday, it seems that the whole family is out for dinner.The seats for eating teppanyaki are L-shaped. On the left of Tian Zhen is a couple in their 40s, with two children in the middle.The girl who looked like a middle school student took a piece of tenderloin from her father's plate, and took a piece of ribs from her own plate and put it on his father's plate.Tian Zhen peeked at the family from the corner of his eyes, and couldn't help feeling that he was doing something bad by himself.

However, Tian Zhen is annoyed that he still has a conscience now, and hopes to get rid of this conscience, no matter what his wife and children are waiting for him at home, and leave home, you see, how free he is now.However, the reality is that I can't forget the existence of my wife and children, and I feel that the home I built with my own hands is cumbersome and illogical.It would be nice if there was no family.If you don't get married and don't have children, why are you so troubled by yourself?

It happened to be Sunday, the street was not as lively as usual, but there were still many pedestrians and passing vehicles at the intersection.

"Where are you going?" Tian Zhen asked after eating.

He has no direction again.In fact, he planned to have dinner with Yun Jie and then go home.To be more precise, today I was only going to look for a house, but I just broke up with Yun Jie because it was not good, so I dragged it until now.Tian Zhen's two children will go to bed after ten o'clock.Going back after this point is the same as going back late at night, which is meaningless.Besides, I can't get up in the morning, and I can't see the children face to face.

In short, getting married and having children is a mistake.A writer once said that "the family is the root of all evil".Now Tian Zhen has a more personal experience of this sentence.Let's just eat a light meal, as long as the family affairs come to mind, I immediately feel that the food is tasteless.In fact, it's not just about eating, even at work, as long as you think that your child is still waiting for you, you can't help but finish it hastily.The love for the lover can't be up or down.

Tian Zhen is full of sweet imaginations when thinking about the world of two with Yun Jie, and at the same time feels a certain crisis.

Indeed, Yun Jie was young and beautiful, a rare woman at Tian Zhen's age.But it is precisely this youth and beauty that sometimes becomes her own burden.Although it is not yet possible, it is not clear when there will be a gap between the two people and the possibility of fatal injury.The problem is, if she really lives with Yun Jie, she's afraid that she will be controlled in a submissive and honest manner.The current wife is quite tolerant of herself.Gave yourself a chance to stalk.Although there is no love between two people, they still give themselves a lot of freedom.It might not be fair to compare a wife to Yunjie, but Yunjie is much better than a wife.

Alone at home, Tian Zhen couldn't help but think of the lively atmosphere at home in the past, his wife and children who always felt in the way, suddenly became nostalgic again.If the cold war continues, men will not be able to bear it.For example, if you want to drink a cup of coffee, you don't know where to put the milk powder and sugar.When I'm going out, I have to look for underwear, clothes, and socks.Pants need ironing, no handkerchiefs.When I am outside, if I call home to find myself and my phone is rejected, I will not be able to work normally.Other trivial matters in life are all handled by the wife alone, and the man suddenly lives on his own, and it is almost impossible to move an inch.

What would Yun Jie think if she went home to live in a fit of anger?It doesn't work either.For a short period of time, three or two days is no problem.If it takes a week or ten days and a half a month, a lot of inconvenience will immediately arise.For example, mail can only be received at home, and important calls must be made at home.If I am not in person, replying to letters and answering calls will be delayed.Therefore, you may lose the opportunity to make a draft.Also, suits, ties, coats and so on are kept at home. If you want to change clothes, you have to go home, or you have to let the clothes stink on you.In addition, materials, documents, and dictionaries are needed for writing. Go back and get them. You may be stared at, and there is no place to put your husband's face.Those who take this and that go home again and again, like a stealing cat sneaking into someone's house, and running away quickly after getting it.Of course, as long as you are willing to let go of this family, it's no big deal to be looked down upon.Just find a truck and pull all the things you need at once.But, to be honest, Tian Zhen didn't have the courage to take this step.Some people will think he is worthless.However, once you are married and start a family, it is not easy to leave the family.Because this is not simply a question of courage, but also a question of responsibility.When a woman is extremely dissatisfied with her husband, she often resorts to breaking up.Even if they don't really break up, they will pack up and run away from home.At this point, men seem indecisive, wanting to break up but unable to make up their minds.While hesitating, he missed the opportunity.Some men say that they feel inseparable from their wives only after they leave.In fact, this feeling is more due to the inconvenient life because the wife is not at home, and it is not equal to the love for his wife.In addition, after the divorce, there are still a series of troubles such as child support and living arrangement expenses.If you don't want to cause so much trouble, you can only be content with the status quo and consider yourself unlucky.Men are not indecisive, but do not want to touch the endless troubles.Divorce is more expensive for men than women.

external resistance
Some extramarital affairs are weakened by external resistance, that is, the society, relatives, employers, friends, etc. learn of the extramarital affairs of the parties, and may also be directly or indirectly exerted pressure by one or both parties of the affair.But all of these are outweighed by the influence of the spouse, who can often exert his power to force the affair or both parties into a reluctant and final breakup.

What percentage of unfaithful spouses knew about it during the affair?Most psychologists of the Freudian school believe that the injured spouse knows more or less, but often because the threat of knowing is too great, it is stuffed from the conscious into the unconscious.However, what is being discussed here is conscious, not unconscious, knowledge that leads to a direct counterattack.And the rate of this knowledge is far higher than the unfaithful would like to believe.One in six cheaters we interviewed said their spouse did know during the first affair, and one-third did in subsequent affairs.In addition, one-third of the spouses did not know about the first and subsequent extramarital affairs, but had suspicions.

Obviously, the chances of an affair completely keeping the spouse in the dark are slim to none.Modern life makes it almost impossible for extramarital couples to have time and place to stay together in absolute safety for a long time, and modern marriage gives too little privacy to both parties, making it almost impossible to have absolutely safe extramarital affairs.

In addition to the above-mentioned various unexpected situations that may expose the extramarital affairs, there are many possible situations, such as accidentally bumping into each other in a restaurant, parking lot, or even on a street corner. Suddenly suffer from vaginitis, cystitis, urethritis, and even gonorrhea.In particular, when the child suddenly has an accident (such as injury) at school or in the residential area, the wife is anxious to look for her husband everywhere, but he is not where he said.In addition, the head waiter or waiter in the restaurant mistook the spouse for the partner of the affair, and the polite words gave away the secret.

Others can also be considered accidental, such as extra-marital sex that is too hot, resulting in bite marks or bruises on the arms or shoulders, and various scratch marks on the back or arms.There was a man who had been scratched all over his body by a passionate partner and ended up wearing long-sleeved shirts for a week in the heat, and he only undressed and changed when his wife wasn't looking.A week passed, and the scratches healed, but white marks were left on the red skin.His wife finally saw it and asked what it was. In the end, he prevaricated by saying "playing with the child at the beach", but he left his wife with doubts that the statement was not convincing.Sometimes these marks are deliberately left by extramarital partners as evidence of family problems.For example, the woman deliberately stains her lover's collar with lipstick, hoping to cause a quarrel between the couple and possibly even a divorce.

Still others learn that the infidelity is having an affair through information from unnamed sources, or even directly from caring friends.However, the latter is quite rare, because modern people are weird, and one thing more is worse than one thing less.Spouses are often surrounded by a kind of unreporting reticence, which may also be due to the troubles that come with reciprocating.Defendants sometimes even resent others for telling their dishonorable truths.

(End of this chapter)