Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 9 The First Derailment (2)
She came, looking happy and lively.They start out talking awkwardly, but then when they play games, they both tell each other about their childhoods and compete to see whose childhood was more miserable, and they end up laughing out loud.Bian Xin grew up in a factory area. Her father was a lathe worker and a car builder. She often quarreled with her mother and divorced her after dumping her several times.

"I don't know what drives me to see her again and again. At home, I take the children to play in the living room, chat with my wife Yanan at the dinner table, or have breakfast as a family, and I will think:' Waste of time, money, taking a low class ignorant girl to dinner is stupid. Why on earth would I need to do this? And, if yaman finds out, how can I explain it?'

But that autumn and winter I had to go to City S every week, and almost every time I got there, I couldn't help but call Miss Bian and ask her out.Frankly, I found it exciting, and I didn't feel stupid doing it at the time.She was a good company, and we always had a lot to talk about: she was interested in the details of my business, and liked to hear everything; I liked to tell her.We went to the movies a few times, and one weekend afternoon I even took her to a couple of art galleries just to open her eyes.I'm usually very stingy with my time, but there was something about her that made me feel different.I was able to give her things, a good dinner, date chats, nice gifts, and at the same time she made me feel younger and interested, even romantic, than I had ever been in my life.

One evening we were walking in the snow and she took my hand and put both of them in my pocket.I feel so comfortable, it feels really good!

That night, she stood outside the door of her shabby little apartment waiting for me to kiss her goodbye, as I have done every time since.But I never got other hints, and I was afraid of offending her.What's more, dating Bian Xin without telling my wife is already limited by my ability, and I have no further psychological preparations. "

Chulov probably didn't know the extent of his mental preparation.If temptation appears unexpectedly from time to time, he may never face temptation in his life.But some people are more aware of their own minds. They consciously look for temptations outside, instead of allowing temptations to appear by themselves from time to time.The places most people like to look for temptation are bars, KTV private rooms, and leisure places.Of course, the patrons in these places are not all for one-night parties, but in large cities, many amusement halls are indeed decent social places for extramarital encounters.

According to a research report by two sociologists, in the leisure centers in cities along the southeast coast, [-]% of men are married with successful careers and stable incomes, and they just come out to find some excitement and change their sexual tastes.Most of the women in the center are unmarried or unmarried, not so accomplished.They are not looking for a marriage partner, they just want to have a comfortable spring night with a married man.

Newcomers to these situations often feel uncomfortable: they lack awareness of what's going on inside, how to behave and talk, whether the women around them are serious or whores, or what they think of them.They may lack confidence in themselves, so that they go to the same place over and over again, without asking anyone out, just watching quietly until the real "prey" appears in front of their vision.One chemistry consultant explained how she felt when she crossed the line and cheated:

"Over the years, I've heard other men talk about their affairs and thought I was missing something. But no matter where I go, how many women I see on airplanes or in restaurants, I never have the courage to go strike up a conversation or do something."

Once on a business trip, he chatted with a beautiful woman at a reception held in a hotel.He wanted to ask her to dinner, but didn't have the courage.An hour later, he saw her dining with another man in the hotel restaurant, and he was mad at himself.Walking into the bar after dinner, this time he was determined to make a difference.The waiter was slow and no one came to serve him, so he walked to the bar, where a young woman was sitting on a high stool drinking in silence.

"Why is one sullen," he asked bravely, before ordering a bottle of beer. "Come on, be happy, let's toast together!"

The young woman raised her glass and glanced at him.She was obviously a little drunk.During the conversation, I learned that she was frustrated in her marriage, and now she was drinking in a bar to drown her sorrows.

At midnight, he called a car to take her home.He wasn't sure how to comfort her in the presence of a distressed woman; when the car arrived, he wasn't sure whether to let her stagger home alone up the stairs.But she invited him upstairs for a cup of coffee.He didn't know if it was her intention or a euphemism.He hesitated to make any move that might bring rejection, and was ready to leave in 10 minutes.But it was close to her now; he threw his arms around her.

Like the chemical consultant, Callas (which is clearly a foreign name, which, she says, is the fashion of the moment) is also determined to go out and find temptation, but starts hesitantly, gaining confidence through experience.Perhaps as with all forms of infidelity, the first pass is the most difficult.It took her more than a year to lose twenty pounds of fat.She decided to get a boyish haircut to complement her bubbly nature.Her mood had already changed from frustration to excitement and nervous anticipation.

"I'm ready to see what happens, but I'm also nervous. I've been fantasizing about the affair for two years, but I'm not sure how to talk about it, and I'm not sure that anyone will actually want me. Anyway , the extramarital affairs will not harm my marriage. My husband and I get along well, but we seem to have nothing to talk to, at best, like tenants living under the same roof. Besides, I think the extramarital affairs may help , can make me easier to live with."

At the party, she wandered aimlessly for a while, chatting with other girlfriends and examining men from a safe distance.There was a man whose looks and manners she quite liked.

"His name is Shihe. He is tall and well-proportioned. He has one big eye. Although his hair is a little gray, he is only in his thirties. He is a very handsome but shy guy. When I saw him, he was in the kitchen with another team. People were chatting. His wife was in the inner yard, people were dancing there. Chance came! He and I started spying on each other. I was sober, he was a little drunk, but I felt like I was half drunk too. After that Before long, he and I managed to get to a corner of the restaurant, just the two of us.

'What's wrong? 'He said.

My voice trembled, but I looked straight at him and said, 'I don't know, what's the matter? '

We were speechless, and then both of us laughed, laughing at ourselves and at each other.We drank two glasses of wine, went to a corner and sat down quietly, and chatted about a lot of things, wanting to know everything about each other, and hoping that no one would pay attention to us. "

She couldn't remember exactly what the two of them talked about that time, it didn't really matter, but she remembered the intense joy of finally getting something.At the end of the party, people left one after another, Shi He was timid, and only afterward did he pluck up the courage to ask her if they would meet again.

"I couldn't believe he was actually going to call. He did. We had a long chat the next Thursday. He was so conflicted, worried that it was wrong. I said, 'What's wrong with talking? Don't worry about not having a conversation. There is nothing to worry about happening that may never happen.'

This is a unique trick to deal with men, so that they will inevitably accept the trick.So we made an appointment for an afternoon to meet.There is nowhere to go near home, so we meet in the hotel bar.Many singles meet there.We chatted, drank, and stared at each other for about an hour.I loved it to death and felt restored to myself.

Since then, every day seems to have meaning: either he calls me, or we meet again.I ignored my unmanly husband more and more, but at least I stopped arguing with him. "

A small number of men and women seek seduction not only without guilt, like Callas described above, but with the assistance and encouragement of their spouses.This made temptation almost tantamount to giving in, as both inner and outer fortifications were dismantled.Some couples whose lives are boring and are not quite right with each other, and some couples who are scratched by articles or speeches about trial marriage, will make arrangements for "sex vacation" or "summer divorce".The two parties went on vacation separately, and hinted, even pointed out, that they can act freely like unmarried people, and it doesn't matter if they cheat a little.

This may not be a problem for seasoned adulterers, but for couples who haven't had an affair, a "sex vacation" can be a difficult start.Even if the arrangement gives both parties permission, neither he or she knows what their chances of success are, how to go out and find a sexual partner, or how to explain their marital status and motives.According to psychological research and numerous interviewees, extramarital affairs are sometimes forced on the unwilling partner by the spouse.Impotent or gay men sometimes hint to their wives, and even openly encourage them to have extramarital affairs; sexually indifferent or gay women sometimes tell their husbands to go ahead and enjoy sex with other women.

Such proposals for extramarital affairs are often not expressed in words, but in the form of a seduction.The man repeatedly took his male friends home for dinner, and was always drunk; he was sleepy and fell on the bed as soon as he finished eating.He also enthusiastically advised his wife and friends to chat as long as they like.Women invite attractive female friends who live out of town to their home for a week.A few days after the other party came to visit, she suddenly remembered that she would go on a business trip for two days and leave her friend and husband alone at home.

However, even with all these restrictions removed, some people are not necessarily open to temptation, and most women and some men cannot enjoy pure play or recreation, they only want the absolute experience of love.But there are also many who accept temptations, temptations that eventually lead them to succumb to the very things their spouses could not and could not think of giving them.

moment of sex
Unlike Karas, many novice cheaters stop suddenly when they are on the verge of having sex, and stay on the edge of a cliff for a long time without feeling any discomfort or anxiety.While they allow themselves a fair amount of emotional involvement, the physical side is limited to the balcony-bench caresses they shared with the neighbor's kids as teenagers and believe that doesn't count as genuine infidelity .The intimacy they allow themselves includes longing phone calls, impassioned love letters, sneaking out for a meal at a deserted inn or in the back of a dark city bar where they can hide from the world. , have a beer, or coffee or something.During these bittersweet, stolen moments, they poured out what was in their hearts to each other, talking mostly about their childhoods, their marriages, their hobbies, and how they felt about each other.The reason couples never tire of being together is because they're always talking about themselves, and about each other.They tell their own things, and at the same time, they are aware of what the other person must feel, and they listen, and at the same time, they feel what the other person wants them to feel.In this little world of interdependence, they had infinite space, and it felt as if they were experiencing something real and important for the first time in years.

Yet the conversation also repeatedly returned to the most obvious one: the missing link in their relationship.Sometimes implicitly and sometimes frankly, they express their attitude towards sex, wanting to possess each other completely, and why they don't.The man may analyze the truth, beg hard, coax in every possible way, and finally keep silent.This is even better, because in this way, the woman can reach out to hold him, beg him to understand, and give her time. It is not that she needs this time to understand him, but that she needs time to settle the battle in her heart.In this way, he felt that she had surrendered in a sense, and he was happy, proud, and restrained; and because she had surrendered herself emotionally, not only reveled in it, but because she did not actually do something against her conscience. And you can go home with peace of mind.So the two lingered until very late, reluctantly got up and left the small world beyond time and space, and walked into the bright and dazzling reality.

Some women find most of their needs in this limited form of contact: emotional rejuvenation, self-erotic awakening, the unreal love of existence and stolen moments of innocence.These things can relieve the loneliness they feel in a poor marriage, make them feel cute and lovable again, and give them precious secrets that can make them happy.

Surprisingly, some men are also content with unfinished extramarital relationships that have romantic and emotional value.A charismatic middle-aged painter described the phenomenon himself:
“I love being in love, as we all do, don’t we? I love using props and gestures from a love story to create a mood and inspire emotion, like flowers, small gifts, a cup of coffee in the middle of nowhere, talking across a table. A young, beautiful woman talking, very intimate. Once I feel that she and I are both open and connected, and we both know it, it’s almost as good as having sex outside of marriage.”

For others, however, the romantic connotation is enough to bring them satisfaction in the form of a symbolic achievement.A 45-year-old businessman thinks so:
"For me, being with a girl is exciting enough. If you ask her to sleep with you and she refuses because you're married, she's scared. But it doesn't matter, the important thing is It gave me the same sense of elation as actually getting her into bed."

People who engage in an affair in this way may linger on the precipice for weeks, months, or even years, until they become bored or intimidated, and finally give up on the relationship.Or when you are about to give up in pain, you suddenly feel like jumping off a cliff, and you simply become bolder and more eager to complete the relationship.Kinsey does not present any data on non-physical affairs, but some data on affairs with limited physical relations.He found that one in six married women had fondled outside of marriage, but never had extramarital intercourse (he did not collect reference data for men).The figure is certainly much higher when all extramarital relationships limited to hugging are considered.

Here is a young man's view of reining in the precipice, and his experience may be typical:
"Every time I come to this provincial capital, I see her. For a while, I was like a big brother to her. Then it became a pure male and female dating relationship. After a while, we started to hug Action. One night, very late, she said I could spend the night in another room because her roommate was out. I threw myself on the bed in my panties and went to bed. After a while, she came into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. Both of us Feeling very sweet and intoxicated. In the dark, I said, 'Would you like to come to bed and just give me a hug?' And I meant it. So she turned off the light, undressed, and lay down next to me. I was tight I held her, but I didn't touch her all night. It was like that whenever I was there overnight for weeks on end. I'm a married man, with kids, and a decent man. I told myself, I just Playing around, not doing anything real. It might sound funny to you, but I don't think any of it really matters."

Wang Rui and Zhou Wenjing
Although Wang Rui's current extramarital affairs have lasted longer and involved more deeply than before, they still confirm some of the aforementioned arguments.

(End of this chapter)