There are ways to speak and speak skills

Chapter 15 Talking to Your Lover → Harmony Strategies (2)
Patience is a quality that must be cultivated in oneself.The so-called patience does not mean tolerating the shortcomings that lead to crime, but tolerating some trivial things that often occur in daily life.

Ellen and David were traveling, and when they came to a hotel they were exhausted.Ellen tidied up the room in spite of her exhaustion and prepared to eat. The waiter of the hotel came in and said that they did not have a reservation.When David found Ellen's order, Ellen exclaimed, "Oops, I misremembered the date!" But David said, "Don't worry, honey, we'll find another way." In one event, Ellen was blissfully aware that she had found a good husband.

Robert was sitting on the chair by the window, the chair cover was newly woven by his wife. Accidentally, the cigarette butt in his hand fell and burned a hole in the chair cover. He deeply regretted it, but his wife Helen didn’t blame him at all, and He said some insignificant words, and then embroidered a gorgeous flower at the entrance of the hole with silk thread.

Robert said with emotion: "At this time, I realized that this is a wife who can share my joys and sorrows, because she can not only mend the loopholes, but also comfort the soul."

Psychological tips:

The above-mentioned happy marriages prove a truth, as long as they respect each other as guests and tolerate each other, then the relationship between husband and wife is beautiful and full of vitality.

It is very important for young couples to learn to give in in an argument.There is no family without conflict.Conflicts of any kind should be resolved without noise.If you feel very angry and want to vent, then I advise you to leave at this moment and let yourself do something else.After you calm down, you can use kind words to mediate the quarrel between husband and wife, so that each other's hearts can get closer again.

Complaining and nagging won't help

Complaining and nagging are some of the most destructive factors in a relationship.Therefore, if you want to maintain the happiness of family life, you should reduce complaining and nagging, and appreciate the existing life.Complaining is depressing, it is better to encourage your lover with positive words.Usually we should feel life with a grateful heart, then you will see more beautiful things around you, and give us more unrequited love, then you will complain less and feel more comfortable. The mood will also be younger.

Countess Tolstoy's wife also discovered this-but it was too late. Before she died, she confessed to several daughters: "I killed your father." Her daughters knew her Her mother was right, they knew she killed their father with her constant whining, her never-ending criticism, her never-ending whining and nagging.

In all respects, Count and Lady Tolstoy should be a happy couple.Two masterpieces "War and Peace" and "Anna Karenina" established Tolstoy's position in world literature.

In addition to fame, Tolstoy and his wife had wealth, social status, and children.There has never been such a happy marriage in the world. At the beginning, their happiness seemed too perfect, too sweet, and they would definitely grow old together.So the two knelt together and prayed to Almighty God to bless them with happiness forever and ever.

But the good times didn't last long, and Tolstoy slowly changed and became a completely different person.He was ashamed of the tome he had written, and from that time on he devoted himself to writing pamphlets promoting peace and the abolition of war and poverty.

Tolstoy, who confessed to committing every sin imaginable—even murder—in his youth, tried to do exactly what Jesus said, to give away his inheritance, and to live in poverty.Working in the fields by himself, chopping wood and forking grass, making his own shoes, sweeping the floors, eating out of wooden bowls, and trying to love his enemies.

Tolstoy's life was a tragedy, and what made it a tragedy was his marriage.His wife loves beauty, but he can't understand it.She loved fame and social acclaim, but these vain things meant nothing to him.She craves money and wealth, but he sees wealth and private possessions as sinful things.

For years, she had been nagging, scolding, and crying over his insistence on giving away the rights to his work for free.She wants to get back the money those books make.

When he ignored her, she rose hysterically, rolled on the ground with a bottle of opium in her hand, swore to kill herself, and threatened to jump into a well.

When Tolstoy was 82 years old, he could no longer bear the miserable and unhappy situation at home, so he ran away from his wife one snowy night—fleeing from the cold darkness, not knowing where to go .

Eleven days later, he died of pneumonia in a railway station.His dying request was that she not be allowed to come to his side.

Psychological tips:

In this case, Countess Tolstoy's nagging, complaints, and hysterics had the effect.In married life, one should be especially vigilant against some of the most destructive factors in a couple's relationship-complaining and nagging.Because this is the deepest and greatest harm to the other party's psychology and each other's feelings.

The results of complaining and nagging are always very bad.First, it makes us feel more passive, the victim of the other.In fact, complaining and nagging is more or less a result of our desire for change in our romantic relationships.It makes us take it for granted that the other party should take the initiative to meet our demands.In addition, complaining and nagging will consciously arouse the psychological guilt of the other party.However, what we get in return for constantly complaining and nagging to the other party will definitely not be a change in a positive sense, but an increase in the other party's resentment and hostility.Don't develop the other's habits because of your own habits, but the method that should be adopted is: the more responsibilities we take on ourselves, the less we complain about each other, and most importantly, the happier we will be.

Being in the same boat through thick and thin shows more warmth
In life, we often have the opportunity to witness the perseverance that women show when facing adversity.Those catastrophes which break and cripple the will of a man call to mind the marvelous power of the weak woman, and make her so intrepid and sublime, to be her husband's comforter and support, and to flinch without flinching. With strong courage, he withstood the most violent impact in adversity.This is the guarantee to get out of the predicament, and it is also a great wealth to maintain the relationship and beauty of husband and wife.

Leslie befriends a handsome, talented, and high-society-bred daughter.In fact she was not rich, while Leslie was rich.Leslie looked forward with great joy to his wife's share in all the fine pleasures of the world."She will live like a myth," he said.

However, the bright future suddenly faced doom.In the few months after his marriage Leslie had invested his fortune in a large speculative business, and after a series of sudden disasters he found himself ransacked and penniless.For some time he kept his situation secret.He was haggard and sad, and he was in a constant torment every day; what made him even more unbearable was that he had to force a smile in front of his wife, because he couldn't bear to let the news make her sit in a basin of cold water.

However, she perceived her husband's strangeness with affectionate keen eyes.She noticed the change in his demeanor and his suppressed sigh.She wasn't fooled by the unnaturally happy expression her husband was trying to put on.She tried to bring back to him the lost joy with her freshness and tenderness.But all this only hurt his heart more.The more he felt in love with her, the more he was tormented by the thought that he was about to bring her misfortune.

One day, he found his best friend Owen.In tones of deep despair he told Owen all that had happened to him.After listening, Owen asked: "Does your wife know all this?"

This sentence made him burst into tears.He cried out, "Please don't mention her. It drives me crazy to think of her!"

"But why didn't you tell her?" said Owen. "She'll know sooner or later. You can't keep it from her forever."

"Oh, but, my friend, think what a blow it must be to her to tell her that her husband has become a penniless pauper! Tell her to forsake all elegance and pomp in life! Things, refuse all the joys and joys of society, and go to huddle with me in the corner of sleepiness and silence!"

"But how can you keep a secret from her? She must know the situation. You must also take appropriate measures for the sudden turn of events!"

Some earnestness in Owen's attitude and allegory speaks to Leslie's emotionally charged imagination, and Owen strikes while the iron is hot, and before the conversation is over, he persuades his friend to go home and confide in his wife.

The next morning, Leslie actually told her the truth of the matter.

"Well, she whined?" Owen asked the next day.

Leslie replied, "No, she's very happy and in a great mood! In fact, she looks more in spirits than at any time since I've known her; she is love to me, tenderness and kindness." comfort!"

"An admirable girl!" exclaimed Owen, "you call yourself a pauper, my friend, but you have never been so rich--do you know that there is inexhaustible wealth in this woman--virtue ah."

"Oh, but, my friend, today is the first day she has really experienced; she has been taken into a poor dwelling, and for the first time in her life has tasted the rigors of housework—the first time she has looked around a A home of any furnishing—a home with few conveniences; perhaps by this time she's exhausted, and slumped in that corner, dreading the prospect of future distress."

They turned from the main road into a narrow lane.As they approached the farmhouse there was music coming from inside - Leslie grabbed Owen's arm.They stop and listen.That's Mary singing!She sang, in a melodious voice, a little tune which was very favorite of her husband.

Owen felt Leslie's hand tremble on his arm.In order to hear more clearly, he moved forward.His steps sounded on the gravel.Then a pretty face flashed at the window, and then disappeared--there was a light footstep--and Mary came with a light step to meet them.

She cried, "My darling! You're coming back, I've been looking forward to it, I've been looking forward to it, I set a table under a beautiful tree behind the house and picked some of the most delicious strawberries, I know you Strawberries are my favorite—and our cheese is delicious. Everything here is so beautiful, so peaceful—ah!” she said, putting her hand on his arm, and staring into his face beamingly.

Poor Leslie was overwhelmed by such warm words.He later told his friends that although his later circumstances were good and he did have a happy life, however, he never had the feeling of happiness like being in the same boat with his lover when he was in adversity.

Psychological tips:

In the story, Leslie was always worried after his wealth was gone, and he was still worried that his wife would leave him after he told the truth to his wife.But the smart and virtuous wife was not what he imagined. On the contrary, as a wife, she downplayed the matter with warm and peaceful words, which made her husband feel very comfortable and happy.

As the saying goes, "a good word warms the winter three times", when our lover is in adversity, we might as well use warm words to soothe the cold heart of the lover, and rekindle the kindling of hope in the desperate heart of the lover.

Apologize to ease conflict
When a husband and wife have conflicts and quarrels, the most ideal solution is of course that both husband and wife can make concessions.However, it is quite difficult for a man to make a concession, "I want to do this, but...".Women should understand the psychology of men.Sometimes a man's stubbornness is a necessity in this male competitive society.The man's high head represents his unique self-esteem, prestige, courage and strength to overcome his peers.Asking him to lower his high head is like declaring that he is not a man!A smart woman must know how to use her own concessions to maintain her husband's inexplicable pride.

What's subtle is that often when the woman makes a concession and says "it's my fault", and because of such a concession, the man will also apologize and say: "Forget it, I have something bad too!" The quarrel between husband and wife ends here.Therefore, women who give in should also understand that even if a real man is a proud hero, he still thinks about women in his heart, as long as you are his beloved!
Dr. Norman Vincent Peale came home pissed off after a lengthy marital mediation.He said wearily to himself, "I wish someone would give me a recipe for saving those shaky marriages."

His father, who was a pastor, happened to be visiting at his house. "I'll give you one," said his father. "This prescription is only one sentence. You only need to persuade the couple to say 'I'm sorry' to each other once. Try it, and you will understand its effectiveness."

So Peale really tried it.He found that what his father said was true, and the power of this sentence seemed to be able to move mountains.Peale used it frequently in her later work mediating marital issues.When an arguing couple came to him, he would privately say something like this to each: "I know you've been wronged a lot, but please tell me which one of your own actions you're most sorry for." ?” No matter how reluctantly, they can always admit some shortcomings and inadequacies.Peale then called both parties together and asked them to repeat what they had said to themselves.At that time, no matter how much resentment and irritation there is, an expression of apology often opens the way for a solution.

One of Peale's physician friends, the late Clarence Burleigh, once told him this:

He was visited by a man who complained of various ailments, headaches, insomnia, and digestive disturbances, for which no physical cause could be found.Finally, Lieber said to him, "I can't help you unless you tell me what's wrong with your conscience."

After a painful ideological struggle, this person finally admitted that he took a lot of money from the family behind his wife's back to gamble and felt very guilty.Immediately the wise old doctor urged the man to write a letter to his wife asking for her forgiveness, enclosing a check as a first step compensation.Then, he escorted the man to take the letter to the post office. When the letter disappeared at the checkpoint along the conveyor belt, the man shed tears. "Thank you," he said, "I believe I am cured." He was indeed restored to health.

Psychological tips:

If you think that you have wronged your lover, or been too harsh on your lover, or just neglected your lover, you should apologize to your lover, please do so immediately.Write a note, make a phone call, etc., any language that conveys your heart will do.A word of apology to a loved one should go something like this: "I am upset because of the rift between us, and this is a special compliment to you. I hope we can make up again, regardless of the past. I hope you can accept the reconciliation that brings this message. Gesture, the message contained the most conciliatory sentence in the world: 'I'm sorry.'”

A true apology is more than just admitting a mistake, it also shows that you realize that your words and actions have damaged the relationship between you and your loved one, and that there is considerable desire to make amends and rebuild the relationship.It's never easy, and admitting mistakes can be embarrassing.But once you force yourself to do it bravely and keep your pride in check, it can be a wonderful healing agent for a loved one.

(End of this chapter)