Left-behind women in Fuzhou

Chapter 5 The Story of Meiniang (5)
The hot and humid wind blows head-on, carrying a fishy smell.Turning around a forest, the sea suddenly appeared in front of us. It spread flatly from the bottom of the feet to the end of the boundless world. The wind carried the waves, and they rushed to the feet one after another. In the sky, there are a few white clouds wandering, and the wings of a few seabirds are fluttering.

This is the sea, this is the legendary sea, this is the sea that I dream about day and night, I let out a soft cry and fell to my knees.Suddenly burst into tears.

I continue to walk towards the sea.There was no one in the field, I took off my clothes, and let the distant, somewhat rough and mighty sea wind blow me, blowing through my body and soul, blowing away my messy hair, and my thoughts turned into the sky Xiaguang.I stepped on the soft sand, I walked into the sea, the sea caressed my feet, my belly, my chest, my heart, surged from the sky with the waves The coming waves are rippling.

At that moment, I was transparent.

That day, I just stood motionless by the coast until dusk.In the quietness and no one, in the vastness, I truly felt the infinity of the universe, the vastness of nature, and the mystery of heaven and earth.The sea has never changed, it has been washing, agitating, and clamoring for hundreds of millions of years, but what about the people by the sea, generation after generation, person after person, where have they gone?Compared with the ocean, human individual life is simply a drop in the ocean.The sea is eternal, but human life will disappear in an instant.Before me, there must be someone standing here like me, standing by the sea, holding the same thoughts as me, years ago, decades ago, hundreds of years ago, thousands of years ago, even tens of thousands of years ago , however, where are they now?Do they know that many years later, there will be a man from the north who will also stand here full of thoughts.And on the other side of the sea, whether there is a man from a foreign country is also as disappointed as I am.In front of the sea, human life is so insignificant and short, my heart is full of sadness, suddenly I feel compassionate, and suddenly I lament for the life of an individual.

When I came to the sea, I originally wanted to seek relief, but I didn't expect that it would be more heavy.

I thought of Mei Niang again.

What is Mei Niang doing in Fuzhou at this moment?
The wind is blowing, and the wind is blowing from the distant sea, from the boundless sky, rolling up layers of waves.The sound of the waves is overwhelming, coming one after another, like a thousand drums beating together, like a thousand troops shouting together, like a thousand mountains collapsing together.The sky was dark, not a single star could be seen, and it seemed that a heavy rain was about to come.The darker the night, the higher the waves.The sea was advancing towards me step by step, the waves slapped on my naked body, and then receded, and after a while, the waves gathering strength beat more violently, like many whips, trying to drag me into the sea.I looked back, a boundless darkness.There is no light.

I suddenly thought, if this is the last moment of my life, will I still miss Mei Niang?Will I still love Mei Niang?If Meiniang is by my side, the sea is destined to take away someone tonight, will I step forward and push Meiniang onto the embankment?I will, I will.I will miss Meiniang, I will love Meiniang, I will push Meiniang to the shore, and let death take me away.

Meiniang's life is more important than mine.

I burst into tears.

The sea breeze hit my tearful face, and there was a kind of cold pain.

I walked up to the embankment, took out my mobile phone from my backpack, and dialed Mei Niang's number without even thinking about it.The bell rang slowly, one after another, but no one answered.

Just as I was about to hang up, Mei Niang's voice came from over there, and she asked, what's the matter with you.

I said, Mei Niang, I miss you.

I just said this one sentence, and I can't say it anymore.I hung up the phone, choked up, and fell to my knees on the beach at night.

The wind was very hard and cold, and I was the only one in the whistling world.

Later, it rained.The raindrops are big and big.I walked aimlessly in the raindrops, lost my soul, and walked alone.I think Mei Niang will call, she will.

However, no.

I stumbled and walked in the heavy rain. I didn't know how many times I fell, and my mouth was full of sand and rain.I yelled, cried, and yelled loudly.On this windy night, in this strange place, my voice and my soul are torn apart.

I don't know how long I walked, but I came to a ruined temple, which is a unique Mazu temple by the sea.At the seaside, there is such a temple dedicated to Mazu almost every other distance, to bless the sailors to return safely.I could no longer walk, and I lay down on the steps of the temple, exhausted.

I took out my phone, but there was still no caller ID on the screen.

In that temple, I passed a long and hard night in the howling sea wind.

When I returned to Fuzhou, I was depressed.I no longer called Mei Niang, and I no longer communicated with anyone. During the day, I locked myself in the house, and at night, I walked into the bar alone, drinking one cup after another of that spicy strong liquor.I drank until the bar closed and I came home drunk.Once, I was too drunk to go up the stairs, so I slept all night on the stairs.Another time, when I was walking, I fell asleep on my side, only to find out at dawn that I was actually sleeping on the side of the road.

During that time, Chen Kai, who rented a flat with me, never knew my whereabouts.When he knew that Mei Niang had left me, he comforted me again and again, saying that you were wrong in the beginning and wrong in the end.I said, I know, but I just can't accept this cruel reality.Chen Kai said, accept it, for the sake of life, any cruelty must be accepted.

Later, when I came back drunk in the middle of the night, I saw Chen Kai and his girlfriend waiting for me.Without saying a word, they helped me fall on the bed, wiped my face with a hot towel, closed the door, and exited silently.

I have been out of work for a long time, and the newspaper may fire me.Just get fired, Mei Niang has left me, I don't care about anything.

One night, I came to that bar again, drinking in silence.As soon as the high-concentration liquor entered my stomach, it was like a fire, which made me both painful and addicted.The familiar melody of "May I Live Forever" was suddenly played on the bar's speakers, and the singing voice was like a long and flexible silk ribbon, wrapping me around, pulling me back to the past, pulling me to the past. Back to the painful but happy time with Mei Niang.I leaned against the corner, lit a cigarette, and listened quietly, letting tears flow quietly.

Wine enters the heart of sorrow and turns into tears of lovesickness.I am reminded of such a verse.That poem seems to have been written by Fan Zhongyan.How could such poems be written without heart-wrenching love and unforgettable melancholy?It turns out that Fan Zhongyan, a famous figure of a generation, also had the same pain and sorrow of love as me, so how did he dispel it?How did he get out of this endless quagmire of pain?

Just then, the phone rang, and it was from the newspaper office.He said that there is a quota for interviewing in Tibet with the group, let me consider it, if there is no objection, I will be appointed.

Later, I found out that I didn’t go to work for a long time, and I went to the bar to drink every night. The newspaper already knew about it, and the newspaper also knew that Mei Niang had left me. Seek relief in exotic lands.I am grateful.

On that mysterious and ancient plateau, we sang along the way.In the distance, there are clear and pure snow-capped mountains shrouded in clouds and mists, vast and boundless meadows filled with melancholy wild flowers, winding rivers flowing slowly, galloping horses rolling up the dusty sky, and screeching goshawks flying in the sky. We are brought into a fantastic fairy tale world.The sky is high and the earth is wide, the field of vision is infinite, and I forget all my troubles.

Along the Sichuan-Tibet Highway, our bus drove to Lhasa and to the world-famous Barkhor Street.The ancient stone street has carried too much vicissitudes. The stone-paved street has been polished smooth and shiny by the soles of the feet of many generations. Tourists with heavy bags and locals wearing dull-colored robes walked on the street. People, and lamas with serene eyes in scarlet cassocks... I sat on a stone bench chiselled from a stone, watching the pedestrians coming and going, letting the orange-red sunshine on the plateau shine on my shoulders, I was intoxicated In this exotic atmosphere.

Then, I ran wildly in Lhasa alone. Every street made me yearn for it, and every alley was full of mystery. I took pictures aimlessly with my camera, and chatted unscrupulously with strangers around me.I am like a curious big bird, wanting to fly to every corner of Lhasa.

Down an alley, I entered a decadent, little-visited temple.The grounds, walls and roof of the temple are covered with weeds, among which there are withered yellow sparrows and turtledoves.Perhaps they have been living here for decades or hundreds of years. When I got close, they flew up lazily with great reluctance, landed beside me, cooing, and looked at me curiously and dissatisfied.In this temple, I am an unwelcome intruder.

There was no one in the temple, the Buddha statues and incense tables were covered with a thick layer of dust, half of the roof had collapsed, and several huge holes were exposed on the other half, through which the blue sky could be seen.The paint on the two wooden pillars next to the Buddha statue was mottled, and there were vaguely engraved writing on them. After I carefully identified them, I realized that they were a couplet.One side has been blurred, and the other side is engraved——If you don't have the heart, I will leave.

If you have no intention, I will rest, if you have no intention, then I will rest... I read it over and over again, and my heart suddenly became enlightened like lightning and thunder.Why should I fall in love with Mei Niang, why should I think about her so hard in my heart, why should I fall into the dark abyss and refuse to extricate myself.If you have no heart, I will rest, if you have no heart, I will rest...

In faraway Tibet, I think I should forget about Meiniang, I think I have already forgotten about Meiniang.

The half-month trip to Tibet came to an end soon, and I returned to Fuzhou.

When I returned to Fuzhou, I realized that Meiniang had never left my heart. She had always been hidden in the deepest part of my heart, just like those grasses in winter, which dry up and die on the surface, but once the spring wind blows and the spring rain moistens them, it becomes It will break ground and sprout and grow vigorously.

Fuzhou is destined to be my sad place. Fuzhou is full of the shadow of Meiniang, and the brand of Meiniang is everywhere, but I can't leave Fuzhou.My business is here.I lost my love, and if I lost my career, I lost everything.

I just want to see Mei Niang for the last time, see the last time, maybe I won't miss her anymore, I will forget her.

On the first night back in Fuzhou, I hurriedly called Meiniang, but was told that the number you dialed has been shut down.I nervously dialed many times, and every time it was a shutdown.

I sat on the bed slumped, bewildered.

The moonlight shone in through the window lattice, and the music from the karaoke bars outside the community started to play, drifting in the night wind, ethereal and unreal, like a dream.I suddenly thought that something might happen to her, I got out of bed, ran out of the community, hailed a taxi, and hurriedly drove towards the palace lane where she lived.

When I came to her house, I knocked on the door knocker without any hesitation.The houses in the entire palace alley are very old, with single doors and courtyards, painted wooden doors, carved beams and painted buildings, and winding paths in the courtyard, which look vicissitudes and simplicity.The pattern of the palace alley still maintains the scale of the original construction. Like the countryside in the city, it enjoys a rare tranquility and tranquility.

There were protracted and lengthy footsteps in the courtyard, not Meiniang's, Meiniang's footsteps were simple and brisk.I was hesitating when a small window opened above the gate, and the smooth and round head of an old man protruded out. He asked, who are you looking for?

I said, find Mei Niang.

He said, moved away.

I was stunned and asked, isn't this her home?
The old man lowered the window impatiently, and said coldly inside that it had been sold.

Uncle, uncle.I almost cried and I asked, do you know where she moved?

do not know.

Counting on my fingers, I haven't been to the temple to give lessons to the children for more than a month.During this period of time, I was depressed and depraved, giving up on myself. I was sorry for those lonely children, and I was sorry for Master Huijing who trusted me.

What I teach the children is "Guwen Guanzhi", which I have recited by heart long ago.When I was very young, my father, who was a teacher, used a pointer to force me to read those articles that were hard to pronounce at first, and then full of English. Because I like them, I like literature, I applied for the Chinese Department of the university, I started writing, and I chose the profession of journalist.

Therefore, I am very handy in teaching "Guwen Guanzhi" to children.

It's the weekend again, I thought, I'm going to make up for the time I've missed the kids' lessons

I rode a jingling bicycle alone, passing through the high-rise buildings in the city, driving beside the colorful cars, and heading to the North Peak.On this road, it was filled with the laughter of me and Mei Niang at the beginning, but since then it has been only me.I rode hard, with my waist bent, crooked, tired and sad, like grass in the wind.

The bicycle was placed under the mountain, and I hiked up the mountain and came to the temple.At this time in the past, the sound of children's books can be heard from a long distance, but today, the temple is very quiet.

Walking into the temple, I saw Master Huijing.Master Huijing said that a Hope Primary School was built on the other side of the mountain, and all the children went to study there.It's been a month.

Master Huijing also said that it is difficult for the children. In the temple, they have no meat to eat, and they are generally malnourished.It is also difficult for you to travel so far to teach the children.Now everything is fine, I hope there are special teachers in the primary school, and there are also canteens and dormitories.

I looked at the nearly collapsed classroom outside the window and nodded.

Master Huijing asked suddenly, why didn't Mei Niang come today?
The tears I had endured for a long time burst out of my eyes.I said how we met, I said she was someone else's wife, I said she didn't answer my phone calls, she had moved away and was missing.

I was crying while talking, and the grievance that I had suppressed for a long time suddenly burst out.The kind Master Huijing is like my mother, and I have no scruples in front of my mother.

Master Huijing said nothing.Her eyes were full of kindness.

I said, what should I do, what should I do?

Master Huijing said, let it go.

what?
lay down.

Oh, let it go.

I no longer believe that there is still something called love in this world.

In the summer when I came to Fuzhou for the second time, I had been away from Meiniang for several years, and I lived in a city without Meiniang.At that time, I once thought that it would be difficult for me to live without Mei Niang, and I would not be able to survive alone. However, today I am still walking on the sunny streets of Fuzhou, standing in front of the full-length mirror in the morning, and still stretching my clothes Sleeping on the single bed at night, there will still be unstoppable impulses.

The tide of time will wash away all imprints, including trauma, including pain.There is no hurdle in the world that cannot be overcome, and there is no difficulty in life that cannot be overcome.

(End of this chapter)