There is a feeling called heartache

Chapter 40 Heartbreak
Through the mist of tears, I actually saw the brokenness in the chaos.Then my heart was torn apart little by little.

I haven't seen my mother for nine years, and I always miss my mother. Sometimes when I'm alone, my mother suddenly appears in my mind.But to be honest, I don't want to think about it, and even deliberately resist and drive away the memory of my mother. No one can really appreciate the insult and pain mixed with this memory.I used to blame my mother for all this, because she is a fool.

My father died of tuberculosis when I was 10 years old. He got this disease when he was very young. He took a lot of medicine and tried many folk remedies, but it didn't get better.The mother is destined to marry this kind of disabled or semi-disabled people, or the group of bachelors who cannot marry a wife or have died for various reasons.I still clearly remember that there was a spittoon on the kang of our house for many years, and my father curled up in a corner of the kang all day long. When he coughed, he shook his thick neck back and forth, and then, short of breath, Stretching out his withered hand to grab the spittoon, he spit it out "pooh", it was thick and sticky with blood.

At that time, I didn't know how to love my mother.Some noon and evening hours, when my friends and I were having fun, my mother appeared and vaguely asked me to go home for dinner.The little friends suddenly surrounded my mother, you punched and kicked me, and I rudely yelled at her to go away in order to please this group of friends who didn't like me very much.

Later, my father died. I remember that he was very kind to my mother a few days before his death. He called her name and asked her to sit on the kang, and while rubbing her dirty hands in his hand, While repeatedly talking about the situation when my mother gave birth to me.My father said that when my mother gave birth to me, he was cutting crops in the field. When my mother wanted to cook and hold firewood, she slipped and fell, and then she had a stomachache and bleeding.My mother was smart for a while. She climbed up the kang to give birth to me, but she didn't know how to cut the umbilical cord.My father came back after noon. When he opened the door, he saw that the pot was still cold. Before he could yell and curse, he saw a scene on the kang: my mother and I were huddled together. The relatively deserted room was shivering.My body was covered with one of my mother's clothes, and I slept soundly.

From the moment my father closed his eyes, I knew that I should love my mother, and my father gave her to me.And after losing the father, the family quickly became a mess, and sometimes we couldn't get rid of it for a day.The village discussed it and decided to send us to a nursing home.

The nursing home is more than 60 kilometers away from us, and it is also in a small village.The so-called nursing home is actually just a big miscellaneous home, where there are old people without children, orphans, blind, deaf, dumb, idiots and mentally ill.

The arrival of our mother and us aroused fresh and curious eyes from many people, especially some half-aged or younger children.Let me explain first that we are referring to me and my two younger brothers. The elder brother is one year younger than me and has some intellectual disabilities. The younger brother is only 3 years old and is very smart and cute.This is a place where the poor come. There have never been a few children here before, let alone female fools, and there have never been such a bunch of families.

When I first arrived here, I was afraid to go out because I was afraid of being asked by adults and stones thrown by children.But mother can't control these things, she is used to working at home nowadays, it is impossible for her to stay in this messy yard all day.So I often saw my mother come back with a scar on her face.

My heartache deepened day by day in these scars, and gradually became so vivid that I couldn't breathe.

I started to take care of my mother and go out, and some marks of being injured by children began to appear on my face, arms and legs. At this time, my mother would go crazy and fight with them, and then asked me vaguely Do you hurt? Do you hurt?

I went to junior high school when I was 14 years old, and the school was more than eight miles away from the nursing home.Every day, I have to wash and wash carefully before going to school. Although I don’t have any beautiful clothes, no one can tell that I am a fool’s daughter.I carefully avoided topics related to my parents. For the first time in my life, I found a place that made me really happy.

However, my mother quickly exposed all my secrets. She called my name one by one during class that day, and I was ashamed of the surprised eyes of the teacher and the whole class.It turned out that the eldest brother stole money from the master chef in the cafeteria because he wanted to eat ice cream. After being found out, he was beaten up by the master chef, and his mother scuffled with the master chef. Fleeing.My mother asked about my school along the village and found me.And the first time I rudely yelled at her to go away in the days after my father died.My mother was stunned for a moment, her eyes were full of chaos. I was in the crowd surrounded by tears, and through the mist of tears, I could see the brokenness in the chaos.Then my heart was torn apart little by little.

From then on, the humiliation came back again. Although the teacher repeatedly emphasized in the class that everyone should care about me, many boys called me an idiot unscrupulously, and those girls who used to have a good relationship with me also started to pretend that I was really dirty.

If the humiliation is just like this, let it go, after all, I am used to it, and I am used to it.But when I was in the third year of junior high school, some people in the village reported that my mother was having an affair with others, and among those people in the rumors was my stupid brother.My silly brother was under 16 that year, and I couldn't believe it was true.But some people in the village spread the word vividly, saying that someone bumped into him, and that when his younger brother was being punished for this, his mother bit the man's wrist instead.Others said it was impossible, maybe it was the silly boy who saved the silly mother.I have never inquired into the facts, and what if I had?I just walk past people very carefully.The saddest thing for me is that this matter spread to the school very quickly. I became a clown who was stirred up and stirred by everyone, and my personality and dignity were thrown around. I was so poor that I had nothing but an empty shell.

I fled on a moonless night. Before that, I was also a thief, the only thief in my life.I stole 100 yuan from the dean and boarded a train going south.Along the way, I leaned on the back of the chair and thought about all the things I experienced back and forth, and finally blamed all this on my mother. Although I knew it was not her fault, the root cause was her, she was a Fool.

I have polished shoes for others, worked as a construction worker, picked rags, sold newspapers, and worked as a nanny. I lived a dangerous yet strong and cautious life. , I don't want to sell my soul.Maybe I just want those who laugh at me or their parents to take a look, the daughter of a fool is hundreds of times stronger than those normal "chickens and ducks", but I have never gone back to prove it to others, except for the travel expenses , I probably still don't have the courage to go back.

Nursing homes support underage normal children up to the age of 18.I had just passed my 16th birthday when I fled.My mother also understands this, perhaps from the people around me. She once pulled my clothes and pitifully told me not to leave her, but I clapped her hand and said no, never.

When I was wandering outside, I often thought of my mother, and every time I thought of it, I was accompanied by shame and pain, so I tried my best to resist being driven away.I later drifted to Shenzhen.I set up a shoe repair stand, and then I met my husband, who is from Hunan, and set up a snack bar here, and my shoe stand was next to him.

What needs to be added is that I am still a beautiful girl, thanks to my mother, who is not a bad woman except mentally handicapped.My husband and I knew each other. From falling in love to getting married, I never told him what happened to me before, nor did I mention that I would go back to visit my mother.We just squeezed out some money for my younger brother to go over by 5, and let him take care of my mother for me.The younger brother is now 17 years old and is in the first year of high school with good grades.Every time I called my younger brother, he said that the nursing home was getting better every day, and the people in the village were getting better every day. When I asked about my mother, he always said that my mother was also very good, but I just missed you.

Last winter, I thought about going back, but when I thought that my daughter was still in her infancy, I felt reluctant, and have been pushing it off until now.

Some time ago, my younger brother called suddenly, saying that my mother was seriously ill.When I hurried back, my mother was already dying.I stood by my mother's bed, calling out in a trembling voice, while tears rolled down my face.Unexpectedly, my mother opened her eyes all of a sudden, and two lines of tears slid down in surprise.The younger brother said that his mother hadn't opened her eyes for several days.And what is even more surprising is that the mother started to eat.After that, the disease got better little by little.

The younger brother said that my mother often stood by the road and waited when I was away.Another time, a child lied to my mother that I drowned in the river, and my mother hung around in the river from noon to dark, which was already late autumn.I can't imagine how much my mother has suffered because of missing me. This is far more cruel than the beatings and scolding she once suffered.

After the people in the village knew that her mother was not stupid, they stopped making fun of her. Instead, many people were willing to help her. For example, when she went shopping alone, some kind-hearted people helped her settle accounts. While waiting for me, people who met her would try to persuade her to go back.

My mother is living happily in the nursing home now, but I still discussed with my husband to take my mother to me after a while.After all, my mother has suffered too much in her life, and I want her to enjoy more blessings in her later years. (Dreaming) You have a good rest "Dad, you have a good rest! I really hope that there is a big warm bed in heaven, so that you can sleep comfortably..."

一
On the morning of December 2002, 12, Zhu Zigui, a female college student at Loudi Teachers College in Hunan Province, rushed home excitedly with a pack of gifts, preparing to celebrate her father Zhu Heliang's upcoming 14th birthday.But before she entered the house, she heard the bad news that her father had died of exhaustion on the construction site... The dream of a bitter child was soaked in blood and tears. In December 50, Zhu Heliang was born in a village in Chaoyang Township, Shuangfeng County, Hunan Province. In a small remote village.When he was 1952 years old, under the introduction of his relatives, he married a girl named Li Yue'e from a neighboring village and got married. They had three lovely children one after another.

In order to support his family, in September 1998, Zhu Heliang came to the Xiangtang Coal Mine not far from home to work as a coal digger, while Li Yue'e worked tirelessly at home to farm the land.

Zhu Heliang's eldest daughter Zhu Zigui, second daughter Zhu Aigui and son Zhu Taineng study very hard and have always been among the best in their classes.The three siblings have a beautiful wish: to be admitted to university and to repay their parents for their upbringing!But one after another misfortune suddenly befalls this poor family.

In May 1995, Zhu Aigui, who had just entered the fifth grade of elementary school, suddenly contracted acute lymphoblastic leukemia.In order to save the life of their young daughter, Zhu Heliang and his wife not only spent all their savings, but also borrowed thousands of yuan from relatives and friends.But the daughter finally left without a sound.

Li Yue'e couldn't bear the blow of the sudden loss of her beloved daughter, and suffered from neurosis.After these two disasters.Zhu Heliang's family already owes more than 1 yuan in debt.In rural areas, this is undoubtedly an astronomical figure.But he still said very firmly to his elder daughter Zhu Zigui, who was in junior high school, and his son Zhu Taineng, who was in elementary school:

"Son, even if Dad puts his life on the line, he still wants to pay for you to go to college!"

In order to earn money for his wife's medical treatment and for his children to study, Zhu Heliang chose to work the night shift.He stays at home every day to take care of his wife and do housework.At night, they dig coal desperately in the low coal kiln.

One day, Zhu Heliang suddenly caught a bad cold.Zhu Zigui advised his father not to go out to dig coal, but to rest at home for a few days.But Zhu Heliang insisted on going to work.That day, when Zhu Heliang returned home from the mine, his face was pale and he was out of breath.He didn't have the energy to cook anymore, so he fell headfirst on the bed and fell asleep.

The sensible Zhu Zigui shed tears when he saw his father's tired and haggard expression and his prematurely aged face.One morning, Zhu Zigui didn't go to school with his schoolbag on his back as usual.Instead, he said to his father: "Dad, I don't want to go to school anymore. The current tuition and miscellaneous fees are too high! Even if you are exhausted, you can't pay for my brother and I to go to school! Besides, my mother has to get medical treatment. I thought We went out to work, and together we provided for my younger brother to go to school and treated my mother.”

Looking at his sensible daughter, Zhu Heliang's eyes turned red.He patted his daughter on the shoulder and said, "Silly girl, the senior high school entrance examination is coming soon, so hurry up and go to school. Your father will take it, and even if he sells everything, he will still pay for you and your younger brother to study." But Zhu Zigui refused. go to school.Zhu Heliang got angry for a moment and slapped his daughter severely. After the slap, Zhu Heliang immediately regretted it.He touched his daughter's face distressedly, and murmured, "Does it hurt? It's my father's fault. I won't hit you again next time." After speaking, the father and daughter hugged each other and cried...Zhu Zigui couldn't hold back his father. , I had no choice but to encourage myself constantly with tears: I will never let down my father's painstaking efforts.

From then on, Zhu Zigui studied even harder. In the 1997 senior high school entrance examination, Zhu Zigui scored a high score of 698 points, setting a record for the highest score in the senior high school entrance examination of Chaoyang Middle School.Although Zhu Zigui's grades far exceeded the admission scores of provincial key middle schools, but in order to save money, she took the initiative to fill in Loudi Normal School.

Zhu Heliang was very pleased that his daughter had been admitted to a normal school, but the registration fee of several hundred yuan made him worry.He rummaged through the house and only collected 62 yuan.

Helpless, Zhu Heliang had to lead his daughter to borrow money from door to door.Every time he went to a house, he begged and said: "Please lend me some money for my daughter to go to a teacher's school. When my daughter graduates, I will definitely return it to you." However, the father and father went to several houses one after another, but they only borrowed 100 yuan. .

Zhu Zigui couldn't help crying and said to her father, "Borrowing money like this is like begging. Dad, I don't want to read this book anymore." After speaking, she wanted to take her father home.

But Zhu Heliang didn't agree with anything.He was afraid of hurting his daughter's self-esteem, so he let her go back first, while he continued to go from village to household to borrow money.

When Zhu Zigui returned home with tears in his eyes, he unexpectedly found that his mother had died on the bed.It turned out that Li Yue'e, who had been ill for a long time, did not want to burden her family any more. After writing her suicide note, she committed suicide by drinking pesticide.As a result, a tragedy in which a daughter was admitted to school turned into a family tragedy in an instant... What happened to Zhu Zigui's family caused great shock in the villagers. They each spontaneously donated 3 yuan to help Zhu Zigui go to school.With their help, Zhu Heliang finally sent his daughter to the gate of Loudi Normal School... For his daughter, the "iron man" father worked hard for Zhu Zigui to enter the normal school, and the family's expenses suddenly increased a lot.Seeing that his son Zhu Taineng will be going to junior high school next year, Zhu Heliang knows that the hard-earned money earned from digging coal in the coal mine cannot afford to support his children to go to school.In desperation, Zhu Heliang had to go to the coal mine to dig coal at night, and to work in a nearby township prefabricated panel factory during the day to earn money.

The job Zhu Heliang does in the prefabricated panel factory is to tie the prefabricated net with pliers, and he is paid by the piece every day.Since Zhu Heliang had never done similar work before, he was very unskilled at the beginning.After a few days, his hands were stabbed with a lot of blood.Later, the wounds on Zhu Heliang's hands increased day by day, and there was hardly a piece of intact skin on both hands.He had to wear gauze to dig coal, wash clothes, and cook every day... Because the wound was infected while digging coal, Zhu Heliang's hands suddenly swelled up, excruciating pain and unbearable itching.When Zhu Zigui saw his father's painful appearance, he was so distressed that he shed tears.She knelt down to her father and begged, "Dad, just take a few days off and don't go to work anymore. I will do part-time jobs in my spare time to help you pay off your debts and support your younger brother's education..."

Zhu Heliang comforted his daughter sadly and said, "Your most important task now is to study hard, and earning money is Dad's business. Besides, Dad only suffered a small hand injury, which is not a big deal..."

The next day, despite his daughter's strong objection, Zhu Heliang wrapped thick gauze around his hands and went to work on time.

Just as Zhu Heliang was planning to pay off his debts and devote himself to supporting his children's education, the township prefabricated board factory suddenly closed down.Zhu Heliang then came to Hongmu Pig Farm to help people dispose of pig manure to earn money. He could only earn 2 cents for picking up a load of pig manure, and only 3 cents for carrying away a load of pig manure.

After working there for only one month, Zhu Heliang's injured hands were corroded by pig manure and peeled off several layers of skin, revealing snow-white bones, which is horrible to look at.But he still insisted on working day by day.

This winter, Zhu Heliang suddenly realized that his daughter and son hadn't worn new clothes for four years, so he decided to work harder, earn more money, and try to make his children wear new clothes during the New Year.

From then on, every day before dawn, Zhu Heliang got up and rushed to the pig farm, working hard without stopping. Every day, he had to carry dozens of loads of manure more than others.

One day, Zhu Heliang suddenly felt very uncomfortable and began to tremble when walking.Seeing that his face was pale, the people who worked with him advised him not to do it and go back to rest for a while, but Zhu Heliang insisted on going on.As a result, when he was carrying the third load of dung, he fell heavily on the road due to lack of energy.His head was broken by a stone, he bled profusely, and passed out on the spot...Zhu Heliang was sent home to rest by his workers.Zhu Zigui Wen Xun rushed home to take care of his father.She leaned on her father's thin shoulders and cried, "Dad, take a rest..."

But Zhu Heliang said: "Dad wants to earn more money and buy new clothes for you and your brother. You haven't worn new clothes for the New Year in four years. Dad feels ashamed!" Zhu Zigui burst into tears when he heard this. flowed down.She broke down in tears and said: "I would rather not wear new clothes for the rest of my life, but also want my father to be healthy. If you fall down, how will my brother and I live!"

Since then, Zhu Zigui's siblings have been more frugal in life.In the hot summer, Zhu Taineng has never eaten a popsicle.Zhu Zigui never bought side dishes worth more than 3 cents in school.

Most of the time, she only eats two steamed buns and a glass of boiled water a day. After the Spring Festival in 2000, Loudi Teachers College and Loudi Teachers College merged, and secondary normal students could pass the examination and directly enter the junior college class of the teacher college.According to Zhu Zigui's grades, it is no problem to take the junior college class.

But she planned to give up the opportunity and find a job directly after graduation to reduce the burden on her father.Unexpectedly, after hearing the news, Zhu Heliang immediately persuaded his daughter to continue her studies in college.

In order to let his daughter take the exam at ease, Zhu Heliang pretended to go to his brother-in-law's house in Qingshuping Town.After he came back, he said to his daughter, "I have already discussed with your uncle, and he promised to lend you 2000 yuan to go to school." Only then did Zhu Zigui take the exam with peace of mind, and passed the teacher's college with honors.

After hearing the news that his daughter was admitted to university, Zhu Heliang was so happy that he didn't fall asleep all night.In order to make up the tuition fees as soon as possible, Zhu Heliang decided to work part-time at the nearby Chaoyang Coal Mine construction site.

The cancer father spit out the last drop of blood silently. Even a man of iron can't stand this kind of long-term and overloaded work. Zhu Heliang finally couldn't bear it. One afternoon in June 2000, due to overwork, when Zhu Heliang was carrying cement upstairs, he stepped on the air and fell headlong on the bamboo raft.His right chest was cut with a long cut by the bamboo, and the blood stained the front of his clothes... But Zhu Heliang simply bandaged it, and then appeared on the construction site again.Workers advised him to take care of his body.But Zhu Heliang held his wound and said with great pain, "Without money, how can the child go to school?"

Just as Zhu Heliang was working hard to earn money for his children to study, a greater misfortune came.

One day in September 2000, when Zhu Heliang was lifting cement slabs on the construction site, he suddenly felt extremely tight in his chest.But he didn't stop, and still insisted on working.After a while, he finally couldn't bear it any longer. After spitting out a mouthful of bright red blood, he passed out on the bamboo raft... The workers hurriedly sent Zhu Heliang to Shuangfeng County People's Hospital for emergency treatment.The doctor diagnosed that Zhu Heliang had stomach cancer.The doctor told him clearly: "If you cooperate with the treatment, you may still live for a year or two, otherwise, you will only die!"Surprised by the news, Zhu Heliang burst into tears with grief.

He was not afraid of death, but he was afraid that he would never be able to get sick again, which would affect his daughter's and son's studies.But he quickly calmed down, he couldn't just let it go, his sons and daughters were still waiting for him to study for them!In the end, he rejected the doctor's suggestion of "hospitalization", bought some traditional Chinese medicine, and returned home.

However, when the boss of the coal mine and the contractor at the construction site learned that Zhu Heliang had cancer, they ruthlessly fired him.

After recuperating at home for a month in order to provide for his children to study, Zhu Heliang gritted his teeth and went to work around with his terminally ill body.Finally, he found work at another construction site.Relatives and friends persuaded him to give up his part-time job and was hospitalized for treatment.But Zhu Heliang said with tears: "Sooner or later, this disease will lead to death, and hospitalization is a waste of money!"

In order to let his children go to school with peace of mind, Zhu Heliang concealed his illness from his children, and begged his relatives and friends not to tell Zhu Zigui and Zhu Taineng the news of his cancer.

Due to excessive fatigue and lack of money to buy medicines and take them on time, the cancer cells in Zhu Heliang's body spread faster and faster, and finally reached the point of being uncontrollable. On December 2002, 12, there were only three days before Zhu Heliang's 13th birthday.

However, he had a premonition that his life was about to come to an end.Even so, he still braced himself and came to the construction site.This morning, when Zhu Heliang was carrying red bricks upstairs, he suddenly began to vomit blood, and couldn't help it.He was afraid that his fellow workers would find out and stop him from working, so he stuffed some cotton wool into his mouth to suck blood, and then continued to work.

In the middle of the night, Zhu Heliang vomited a lot of blood again.In the early morning of the next day, when the workers called Zhu Heliang to go to work, they found that he was biting the quilt tightly with his teeth, motionless, and there was a large pool of solidified black blood under the bed... This great father, brought Filled with regret, quietly passed away!
Just this morning, Zhu Zigui, who didn't know it yet, rushed back with a pack of gifts to celebrate his father's birthday.Seeing his father's cold face, Zhu Zigui threw himself on his father like crazy, crying, "Father! Why did you leave like this?"

While sorting out Zhu Heliang's belongings, Zhu Zigui discovered his father's stomach cancer diagnosis certificate.Only then did she realize that her father had already entered the countdown to his life.

"Dad, why do you keep hiding it from me?"

Zhu Zigui's tears rolled down again.She staggered and ran out the door, unable to kneel for a long time.

"Father, you don't have to work hard to earn money for us to study anymore. You can rest well! I really hope that there is a big warm bed in heaven, so that you can sleep comfortably..."

(Xie Yunhui)

(End of this chapter)