Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 1 Introduction (1)
Are you an "emotional gangster"?

Use your actions to control your emotions, not your emotions to control your actions.Regulate your emotions with your heart, not your ears.

◎The war caused by "emotional"
Today, we live in an emotional world where emotions drive behavior every day, if not every moment.Someone once said to me: "I feel more and more that I am not the master of my body, but those emotions that always come out of the blue. They are entrenched in my body and control me, whether I am happy, sad, or manic, Control me to make all sorts of weird, unreasonable and irrational behaviors." Because of the long-term, seemingly indelible emotionality, he was very depressed and showed a strong desire to break free.

So, what exactly is being emotional?First of all, it includes "good emotions"-excitement, positivity, optimism, or strong fighting spirit, which can be regarded as positive emotions; the key of.However, this does not mean that "good emotions" are necessarily beneficial and "bad emotions" are necessarily harmful.

There are three types of manifestations of "bad emotions" in our body.The first is shown to the face; the second is shown behind the scenes; the third is never shown.The degree of harm of these three emotions is gradually increased, and the third one is the most harmful.

The first one is well understood by us.If someone does something that displeases you or says something that hurts you, you immediately express your thoughts to him: "I'm very angry!" You may also lose your temper immediately, or blame him, and never miss the opportunity to confront him.Moreover, you never leave anything in your stomach, and you say whatever you think, at least it makes the other person realize: "Ah, this guy is angry with me!" Then your mood will be much better.That's the bad mood in person.

What about the second?I have encountered the second situation in many places: the receptionist is friendly, considerate, and considerate, but when he turns around, he pulls his face down, making you feel that he is actually very unhappy and unwilling to deal with you.This is one of the manifestations of the second bad emotion, which is actually a complex reaction of two emotions: the emotion on side A is good, which is required by work; the emotion on side B is bad, which is his true emotion.Some people are scolded during a meeting, or have disagreements with colleagues, they will not get angry in person, but run to the bathroom, corridor, or rooftop to get angry, and some vent to their wives and children after returning home. This is also common. The Way to express.

These abnormal emotions, especially bad emotions, have caused many "wars".According to the data submitted by a survey company in the United States, in the first half of 2013, about 1000 out of 730 divorces in the California area were caused by frequent quarrels, and there was always one reason: "I can't stand him ( Her) temper.” They created pressure on each other because of the emotionality of one party or even both parties, and attacked each other with emotional weapons, and finally fell apart.

Some people magnify the bad emotions in their hearts, not only fighting with others, but also constantly fighting with themselves, causing serious psychological problems.Zhu Xiaomei is a Chinese girl, and she is also one of the main case participants in this book.She is only 24 years old this year, and her hometown is Taiyuan, Shanxi. After graduating from university, she went to Beijing to look for opportunities. She lost her job after only three months of work.In her words: "I fight people every day." She came to the United States two years ago, first stayed in the city where her boyfriend worked in New Jersey for half a year, and then went to Los Angeles to join relatives and friends.Now, she's turning to our agency for guidance to help her with what seems to her a very big problem:
"Why do I have enemies everywhere?"

From Zhu Xiaomei's point of view, almost everyone, including her parents, is against her.From the age of five or six, the war between her and her parents began.My mother used to yell at her to stop her from doing something, and my father used to lash out at her because of her test scores.Now, any choice she makes about the future can lead to quarrels with her family.In her story, no one seems willing to discuss things calmly.Even if it is an insignificant little thing, it will end in the result that everyone is unhappy.

After work, the situation got worse.She felt that her colleagues in the company were calculating her, trying to stop her yearning for a bright future.Zhu Xiaomei said: "I never thought that it was my emotions that controlled me. I only knew that my emotions were changing every day, guessing other people's thoughts, and their random words would also become the source of my happiness or pain. If I feel like they're doing something against me, and I'm going to start a war with them."

We learned from her colleagues that Zhu Xiaomei's personality is volatile, or a bit "capricious", and she is a particularly emotional person.She likes to say stupid things that hurt people, argue with each other, make the office go crazy, and finally can't stay in this place.In a new place, a war dominated by her emotions will continue.

It's a really scary thing.In this world, how many emotional people are there?We are too numerous to count.However, it is not difficult for people to discover their existence and the manifestation of these emotions in themselves from the specific performance.

Where is the commonality of emotions?

For example, temper tantrums.

No one knows when his temper will change. He is like Juneday. He is still a normal person at 8 o'clock, showing good ability to control emotions, reasoning, right from wrong, and clear thinking.But at 9:[-], his attitude changed completely. He suddenly overturned the conclusion made an hour ago, and got angry at you as if he had a mania—everything is your fault, and he has no responsibility at all.

In a matter of minutes, they can switch between several emotions.What he wanted just now, he completely lost interest in a while, and he himself didn't know why it happened.Such a person will always tell you: "I'm like this, what's wrong?" You have no way to communicate with him, just like you can't do anything about this emotion when it happens to you. It explodes periodically and follows you everywhere.

Another example is getting angry or hyperactive easily.

It's hard to control when it comes, it's the suddenness of the mood.Zhu Xiaomei explained her feelings in this way:

"A very casual and ordinary word from anyone, some unintentional words, can make me irritated, or ecstatic, just like drinking alcohol. I can't control the sudden outburst of emotions. It's raining heavily for a while, and the sky is clear for a while; One moment it's cloudy, the next it's a rainbow. I know it's not right, but the switch is out of my hands."

Anger and arousal come on suddenly and disappear suddenly.Such people cannot explain why.They can't get rid of in the emotional perceptual world, and produce the "mire experience" that makes him hate but helpless -- it's like his feet are stuck in the mud: "I really want to pull it out, but who can help me?" ?”

In terms of personality, emotionality has a lot in common.Sometimes we can spot these traits in ourselves, and discover what we have in common.Emotional people are delicate, intuitive, and highly sensitive.It is easy for them to suspect others because they lack a sense of security in their hearts.They are good at observing and are easily moved by some small things (prone to the root of excitement).

Of course, if what they find is not acceptable to them, they will immediately feel resentful and make impulsive choices, such as turning around and leaving.From then on, he only remembered the ugly side, ignored all the advantages of these things, did not think about them, and would not be sure-although he was very aware of his limitations in his heart, he would never admit them with his mouth.

◎A and B: Two-faced emotional distress
Many people ask me where my emotions come from, and how it manifests.In fact, emotions are not mysterious, and their production is completely under our subconscious control-although it often feels that you are out of control over it.This is because character is the "liver" of our emotions, and character and subconscious are inextricably linked.

Everyone has more or less "dual personality" genes, which form the embryonic form of the A side and the B side of the emotion in the body. Side A represents positive emotions, and side B represents negative emotions, just like positive and negative numbers, the middle boundary is "zero".The value of our emotion depends on how disturbing it is to consciousness.If it is positive distress, it will be presented as side A, the higher the positive index, the higher the value of A; if it is negative distress, it will be presented as side B, the higher the negative index, the higher the value of B.

It sounds like it is easy to gain insight into the essence of emotions. In fact, we are always unable to "autonomously" achieve a balanced and healthy state in the self-management of emotions.Just like tossing a coin, either heads up or tails up; either the A value is too high, or the B value is too high, it is difficult to achieve neutral emotions, that is, to achieve a rational state.

The specific manifestations of people's ups and downs in two-sided emotions are:

1. They were swearing about their views on life in the last second, and their views on a certain matter may suddenly come up with a set of completely opposite and opposing views in the next second, and beat themselves down.

2. They face difficulties positively for a while, vowing to formulate a grand plan, take immediate action to change the situation, and then suddenly become depressed and silent, abandon their work and give up on themselves.

3. They were still talking sweetly to their lover yesterday, planning a happy future, and even started planning the details of the wedding, discussing how many children they would have, but the next morning they were already considering whether to break up.

When you get along with this kind of person, you will have a horrible feeling, because you don't know what he will think and what he will do in the next second; it is difficult for you to guess their thoughts, and you will always encounter Communication barriers, and feel that this kind of person is really inexplicable, completely emotional and unpredictable.

Now, according to the description in this book, you can experience and recall with your eyes closed, do you have such a moment?If it does, or if it occurs often, we can be sure that you are in great need of emotional self-regulation and management.

◎Are all emotions bad?

First of all, I want to emphasize to readers that "bad mood" does not necessarily need to be eliminated.Our ultimate goal is to achieve emotional balance in the body so that it is always near the midline and not completely biased towards one side.

When you're anxious, it's not all bad.When you feel very happy, it is not necessarily positive or beneficial to your life in the long run.The criterion for judging is - in what ways have we shown this emotion?
When mild and short-term anxiety occurs, it can quickly concentrate strength, tap potential, improve concentration, and deal with crises that have already occurred or are about to occur, thereby increasing the chances of overcoming difficulties.This is why those who never worry about the future cannot achieve higher career achievements, because appropriate anxiety has positive value in releasing people's potential and inspiring fighting spirit.At the same time, sadness and loss can sometimes be motivating, and depression after a business failure can make you more stressed, which in turn creates stronger motivation.

(End of this chapter)