Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 3 Emotional Family (1)
Jagger said: "Only by being able to restrain ourselves can we release ourselves to the fullest." Anyone who is very casual cannot restrain himself.No matter when, we need to seize the opportunity to adjust our mentality and create a positive attitude.

◎Why are you always so angry?

In recent years, when I have spoken about anger and its negative effects, I have received the most enthusiastic responses and discussions about it in any setting.This seems to illustrate an increasingly serious problem: our "angry camp" is undergoing an unprecedented military expansion.

People are negatively hurt by anger all the time, and it's probably the only bad emotion that isn't controversial.Because of anger, some friends broke with you and left you; because of anger, your life became a mess, and your work performance was hit hard; because of anger, you may also lose family, love, and even understanding of more people.These are all very dire results.

The first time I met Xu Zhisen, a big boy from Fujian who calls himself a "violent man", he sat in front of me like a blazing stove, as if throwing something flammable into it could blow up a whole room.There was resentment between his brows, as if he had been bullied for no reason, and he was about to find someone unlucky to vent his anger and vent his depression.

Seeing me, he immediately restrained his expression, and said respectfully: "I have admired your name for a long time, and I hope that I can cultivate my moral character here and stop getting angry for no reason."

I just asked, "Mr. Xu, what's wrong with you today?"

Xu Zhisen told me that for this meeting, he prepared meticulously last night and wrote a 11-word document, which was all about analyzing his own life, and he also wrote down all the questions he could think of, so that he could come here and ask me. Consultation, and then go to bed early before [-] o'clock to nourish your energy.However, he got off to a bad start this morning, as if everything was against him.

"Like?" I asked curiously.What accident happened that can cause such a big fluctuation in a person's mentality?
He said in frustration: "I missed the first tram, which was in my plan. I was 15 minutes late, I was on the opposite street, and I got the wrong address. If I hadn't called the police for help, I might not have been there at all." I can’t find the destination and it’s less than 30 meters away from me. That’s not the most important thing! What annoys me the most is that when I saw your assistant, I found out that the hard-working material was left in the apartment Already!"

Xu Zhisen is very angry about these "mistakes" - this is not the point.We all make mistakes, and we all get upset or angry about them, but the subsequent reaction is what matters.Most people would stamp their feet or scold themselves inwardly, blame objective factors, and then forget about it, and try to do better in the future; Xu Zhisen's reaction is the opposite, if he doesn't make some drastic actions , it is difficult to calm down.

When he failed to catch the first tram, he kicked hard at the stop sign, his distorted expression surprised passers-by;

When he couldn't find the office building, he yelled at the sky in a hurry, so he called the nearby police;
When he found that there was no carefully written material in the bag, he threw the briefcase to the ground with all his strength.

"Anger is burning you! Why don't you stop?"

He explained: "Similar reactions happen almost every day in life and work. I will get angry at my colleagues, reprimand and scold my subordinates anytime and anywhere, and quarrel with my superiors over some trivial matters. In their In my eyes, I am full of anger, and I can't always calm down, so I have fewer and fewer friends in the past few years. People don't like to deal with me, deliberately avoid me, and neglect me, which makes me more angry and psychologically unbalanced. Of course , every time I know that I am wrong, I should control, at least I can't vent my emotions so arbitrarily, but there are always a few seconds, I am completely out of control, and it takes a long time to calm down. When I am calm, The time to fix the problem has also disappeared."

Question [-]: Where does your anger come from?

Xu Zhisen is a typical case of problems in "anger management".I followed him for 4 years, and there are more than 3000 students in courses similar to his.The main problem they face is "inability to express anger"-they have serious obstacles in expressing emotions and are not good at releasing anger.

This kind of people likes to go to extremes-it can also be said that when they suddenly have a barrier of expression, this will happen: leaning towards two extremes.Either they are unable to express their anger and completely suppress their anger and dissatisfaction, manifesting as ignorance, indifference or noncommittal; or they cannot control their anger and vent it unlimitedly, manifesting as loud quarrels, verbal or even violent behavior.Moreover, these two manifestations are determined by consciousness in an instant, and they are carried out firmly. It is difficult to get out of the extreme state and say from their own inner standpoint: "I can't admit defeat!"

Then, the anger is dealt with in an inappropriately stubborn way.Neither of these can balance emotions well and solve problems, but will lead to further conflicts.

1. Behaviors of quarreling and confrontation at every turn will not only fail to make the other party succumb, but may also cause a rebound and destroy the original normal communication atmosphere.A small spark is ignited, and finally it becomes a fire that soars into the sky.

2. Does it work better when you suppress it?Won't.It will cause deep damage in your body, and it will easily lead to depression after a long time. Once your ability to suppress it disappears, it is very likely to blow out instantly, and the consequences will be more terrible and lasting.

Question Two: Is there really no way to control anger?

Our life is difficult to be satisfactory. Even if you are a member of the successful class and have made great achievements in a certain field, you will encounter setbacks, and there are even moments when you want to explode emotionally. The anger in your body is like There is a pot of boiling water, but I don't know where is the most reasonable place to vent.

This anger of course needs to be managed, much more controlled, or it can burn us badly.But the question is not what we recognize, but what we can change - how to find the right way while discovering the problem?
Every time when he was very angry, Xu Zhisen took many methods to try to control himself.For example, he would try his best to withdraw from the scene of the incident and stay in other places for a while; if possible, he would go to the bathroom to wash his face with cold water, open the window to take a breath of fresh air, so that he could calm down quickly.However, just like many people's attempts, these methods only treat the symptoms but not the root cause. They can only temporarily relieve the anger, but they cannot stop the anger in the heart from continuing to burn.

Therefore, his anger still has an 80% probability of erupting and hurting innocent people.Most of the time, he didn't have time to think, but broke out directly.In the past 3 years, he often had fierce quarrels with his parents in China.At one point, when the parents tried to take him to a therapist, they said on the phone to me, "We're really worried that he's going to be a lifelong grumpy kid and no girl will want to marry him."

Xu Zhisen must agree with his parents' worries.In fact, in the training center, people from different regions are feeling and disappointed: "It is so easy to give up the advantages, but it is so hard to correct the shortcomings!" They feel that it is extremely difficult to change the situation to a better side , even an impossible task.Therefore, most people always give up at the last moment.

They think to themselves, "It's better to surrender early and let go of the psychological baggage than to fight an impossible and never-ending battle with other people. If people hate me for this, then I will be the most hated person for them." , what's the matter? Everyone is angry, so it's normal for me to be angry."

That being said, he has the right to think so.But the truth is, most of the time, your anger is not self-inflicted, but punishing yourself for someone else's mistakes.Even if it's your own problem, you can't punish yourself with bouts of anger and impulsiveness.

Emotional Self-Management Course
self control anger

Ask: Assume that anger can happen, and then look for answers to confirm the consequences of anger with the subconscious mind to judge whether this behavior is worthwhile.Establishing a mechanism for long-term questioning can promote rationality and peace of mind.

Restraint: Enter commands into the subconscious mind, repeatedly silently saying "I don't want to be angry, I shouldn't get angry", etc. Even if it is difficult to take effect, doing so can buy time and delay the outbreak of anger.

Avoidance: If you find yourself unable to control your emotions for the first time, leaving the scene in time or not thinking about it is still the best choice.Because out of sight and out of mind, as long as many things are out of sight, the source of emotions will be cut off.

Diversion: Accepting other stimuli when anger strikes.For example, immediately listen to music, play badminton, run or read a book.

Confidential: There must be someone who is willing to listen to your emotions. You can tell him all your inner anger and injustice at any time and seek understanding.

Sublimation: Turn your anger into a positive force to do your own things better, so as to strengthen your self-confidence and make your mentality more stable.This suggests that being truly strong helps us reduce our anger.Because only the strong rarely care whether others hurt him or not.

◎“I carry a stone of anxiety on my back.”

“Anxious White Dima” is the “nickname” of a well-known figure in my Western Center, a 27-year-old whose parents are European immigrants from Ireland and have lived in Los Angeles for more than 20 years.Over the past year, he has often come in person or called my staff to tell his story.He took at least a dozen classes and public events to alleviate his problems.

Ever since he lost a large sum of money in the stock market the year before last, he felt that there was always a hot and heavy stone on his body, which made him unable to breathe.Although those losses are nothing to his income level and have not affected his basic life, the problem is that he suddenly has a deep anxiety about his future living conditions.

Dima seriously expressed what he was anxious about:
Anxiety about the future: "Every penny has the potential to disappear, even though they are in my capital account. I don't believe in any investment anymore, and I dare not spend a lot of money. I am afraid of living a tight life. My father often Told me to learn to take risks and invest in the future, but now I feel he is wrong. Many theories that I believed in yesterday were all wrong, what else can I believe?"

Anxiety about work: "I suddenly found that I might lose my job at any time. My job is related to Wall Street. It can be said that the market on Wall Street affects the survival of the entire company. I used to think that stocks were the safest thing, but now Can't think of it that way anymore. Unless I'm an idiot, there's no reason for me to get another good night's sleep when I think I might get fired the next day!"

Anxiety about family: "I'm not married yet, and I don't have a formal girlfriend, because I don't know if I have enough money. What if I find out that I'm bankrupt soon after I get married? How can I ensure that the happiness I get will not Slipping away? I found myself lacking the ability to take control of my life, and it was so hard to get there, even though people like me were often put into the middle class.”

Dima, a middle-class Los Angeles man, is full of apprehensions -- seemingly overnight, as he loses a fortune in the stock market.Afterwards, he seemed to suddenly realize his own life, and discovered many "truths".Regardless of whether his perception and analysis are correct or not, the reality is that Dima's mentality is very unstable, and he has cut off from the past to a certain extent.Now, he lives a very stingy life, spending only a few hundred dollars a month, sometimes skipping breakfast and saving money for a glass of milk, which makes him feel like he has an extra $2 in savings.He avoided any topic related to stocks, for fear of being hurt badly by it again.This has seriously affected his work, because he works in a securities company and deals with stocks or securities every day.As a result, Dima became a person with a split personality.He desperately rejects the subjects that make him anxious, while working like hell to earn a good salary, which makes him emotionally tense every day.

Too many of us have this sense of urgency, and it's becoming more and more a noose around our necks.They are always very anxious: hurry up, hurry up!Otherwise, it will be too late, or the opportunity will be lost, or the job will be lost, or the competitors behind him will catch up, leaving him behind, and then the whole world will leave him behind.

"I want to win, at least I can't lose." This is the common mentality of people.

In the mainland, affected by the financial crisis, more and more people have gone to different institutions to pour their bitterness to psychiatrists over the years.Among them, some people are worried about being fired by the boss, some people feel that it is difficult to find a good job, and there is too much pressure for promotion, and some people are more general-they are about to or have graduated and worry about not being able to find a job. Sleepless young man.

Ms. Yu, who is in charge of finance in a large real estate company in a certain first-tier city in the south, said dejectedly: "I have been working overtime for the past two or three weeks. Our office has laid off a staff member. Now all his work has been transferred to me. If I don't Work hard, I'll be the next one." She worked overtime one after another, but she didn't dare to take a break because she was worried about losing her job because she had a cold for many days.The real estate industry in the mainland is facing a period of low tide, and many companies are laying off employees, which makes her miserable and feels like a big rock in her heart.

Anxiety is one of the factors that cause emotional cancer, and it is the main member of the emotional family, which can cause a series of problems.

When you are upset, restless, or feel tense, fearful or even fearful because of the slightest thing, you have already contracted anxiety, and it is serious.When our anxiety develops to this extent, it requires us to do something about it, not just ignore it.

How should we lay down these heavy stones?
1. In the initial stage, take a deep breath or don't think about it, adjust your mentality, and try to wait for it to disappear naturally.

2. Think carefully about the causes of anxiety, and think about "whether it is worth worrying about it" from another perspective.

3. Recognize how harmful it is, and then start to act - the first step is to control: "You are not allowed to come near me again!" Or, "The anxiety index cannot rise any more!"

4. In-depth identification and dissection: How can we not be anxious?Finding the right direction, what you have to do, although for most people, this is not easy.

5. Insist on moving in a good direction, and let the anxiety disappear bit by bit.Don't rush for success, because anxiety itself is harmful. The advantage of developing a peaceful mind is that we can easily accept any state, which is extremely helpful for releasing harmful emotions.

6. The most important thing is to keep yourself alert to your emotions at all times, don't lie to your ears, but establish a mechanism of "think of a solution immediately".Because it is probably the worst choice for any emotion to pile up "stones" and leave them alone.

Emotional Self-Management Course
self control anxiety
Mentality: Maintain a stable state of mind, even if the realm of "satisfaction and happiness" is far away from you, try to get closer to it.You have to think about everything, don't be overjoyed and sad, and don't always wishful thinking or insist on things that cannot be realized.

Why: Discovering the cause of anxiety is necessary and the first small goal we must achieve.Most of the time, we try to let things go our way, and get anxious about the impossibility.Therefore, most of the depression, sadness, anger or anxiety are caused by our failure to adjust to reality.

Ask rhetorically: "If the anxiety is right, can the problem be solved?" Of course the answer is no!In the rhetorical questioning session, let yourself face these questions that must be answered, and then clearly realize that if you condone the existence of anxiety, you will embark on a road of "self-destruction" that is difficult to turn back.

Calculation: Calculate the "equivalent" of anxiety and treat it as an emotional nuclear bomb. "I want to realize that I have anxiety; I want to face it; I want to know exactly how far it is; I want to understand that it has no reason to hide it!" You can write down a calculation or evaluation of it on paper.For example, you can visually indicate "100-ton anxiety" and "1-ton anxiety", or use different standards such as "A/B/C" to distinguish between high and low.

Action power: For the highest equivalent anxiety, take the most positive action.We need to fully mobilize our subjective initiative, or divert attention, or face contradictions directly.Action can bring a pleasant psychological experience, let you realize that you are solving the problem, although it is still far away, but-"I have started after all." That is, no matter how terrible the problem that caused anxiety, None of us can forget about it as if nothing happened - either get away from it, or sweep it from the heart, which requires strong action.

◎Why does joy give rise to sadness?

People will care about the harm of negative emotions, but ignore the harm of some positive emotions.This is a habit pattern of human beings.We always instinctively resist those things that are uniformly labeled as bad labels, and we don't care much about their substantive distinctions.

One year, my ONG company won a big advertising order from ABC in the western market.This is an unprecedented victory, which means we can gain a foothold in the western United States and have a good customer.I drove my partner and his children to a Chinese restaurant in Los Angeles for dinner.When I started to talk about the great significance of this order to ONG Media, I suddenly felt a heavy blow to the heart, and then my whole body was weak, and then I felt a sense of emptiness and powerlessness.I felt dizzy for a while, and went into shock almost immediately.Fortunately, I made a timely reaction, slowed down, stepped on the brakes, and parked the car on the side of the road.

(End of this chapter)