How can I chat?

Chapter 6 Be in the moment and be as observer as possible

The rules of improvisational drama: Be in the moment, be as much an observer as possible, so you can grasp the context of the interaction.

Study a truly successful improv actor like Jim Carrey, and you'll see he has a knack for being in the moment.

He was able to do this because he paid attention to every signal from the audience.He knows exactly what the audience likes and dislikes, and can react to the signals he observes.

Without his observation skills, he would have no way of knowing whether his jokes, cadences, intonations or topics are hitting the audience.

The key to improvisational drama is to be in the moment, to observe the audience and the interlocutors, to understand the signals they are giving you, so that you can decide which direction to continue the conversation.

The good news is, it's not as difficult as you might think.That's what we've always done, it's just not given the attention it deserves.Everyone can clearly see the other person's body language, posture, facial expressions, tone of voice, and other combinations of expressions that express their mood at the moment. It is only when the other person has a strong emotional response that we can really pay attention.

Always look at the overall situation, integrate various subtle signals, and then respond to the other party with the correct signal.See the truth in the subtleties.

This is what separates the powerful improv performers—who pay attention to detail—from the average person.What improvisational drama performances really care about is not whose jokes are better. Successful improvisational drama performances pay more attention to whether they can understand the current situation.

If you want to be a good chatter, you also need to pay attention to the subtle signals and clues that the other party sends.

If you can observe and interpret the feelings expressed by the other person, the tone of voice, facial expressions, body language and the overall flow of conversation, your communication skills will greatly improve.You'll be amazed at how obvious these signals are, and how effective clues they give for advancing and managing the conversation properly.

Your next goal should be to judge, like Sherlock Holmes, every detail of what you see in others.

Learn to control the direction of the chat by getting to know the other person
Many times, the chat is deadlocked because you preset what you want to say in the established frame. Once the conversation deviates from the established frame, you will be confused and speechless.It's understandable to want to prepare as much content as possible for the chat in advance, but it's not a good idea.

When you're focused on preparing what you're going to say next, you can't be in the present moment.You're trapped in your own thoughts, unable to listen and observe carefully—you're just waiting for your turn to speak.This is a very common misconception.The consequences can also be imagined.

When you do this, nine times out of ten, the chat will gradually become intermittent until it eventually dies.No matter who you are talking to, remember that they may not want to follow your script.In fact, they may want to talk about something completely different, and you have to accept that.

The first step is to put aside the original established framework and listen carefully to how they respond.Be in it and observe all their performances.

With a little less ego, your chats will be a lot more fun.

learn to catch small clues

Whenever you are talking about a topic with someone, the other person is sending a signal, that is, how they feel about what you said.

Reading these signals clearly and accurately takes quite a bit of practice.But don't expect to be accurate every time.Because different people have different backgrounds, experiences, expectations, and assumptions, it's nearly impossible to get it right every time.

In many cases, those signals suggest certain emotions to you that may be completely different to someone else.They may be expressed in different ways.

That's why it's important to pay attention to the signals the other person is sending when listening to them talk about certain topics.If they get excited when talking about it, then you guessed it.There's something in that topic that they're really interested in.You will want to use your efforts to keep what they are interested in in the conversation, and let the chat move forward as much as possible on this.

Likewise, if someone is talking about an unpleasant topic and wants to get out of it as soon as possible, be careful.Because you want the chat to continue as long as possible, not touch sensitive topics and let the conversation die early.

What clues are you looking for?Here are some less difficult techniques, try to try some in your daily interactions.

Do other people's voices get excited when you touch on a topic?

If someone keeps trying to bring up a topic, it means they want to talk about it.

If someone's eyes wander from time to time, it means they're bored.

If someone's feet turn in a different direction, that's a sign they don't want to continue the conversation with you.

If you interrupt someone when they have something to say, remember to ask them when you're done to see where they want the conversation to go.

See if you can tell whether the smiles are echoed or genuine based on how exaggerated they are and how quickly they fade away.

If someone ignores what you've said and continues on to what they were talking about, it's a sign that they're eager to go deeper on that topic.

If someone puts their head on their hands, it means they may not be interested in the conversation.

Watch for the intensity of the other person's nod of agreement and, on the other hand, the coldness of the response.

Keep the Chat Personal

Even though the other person may not be explicitly talking about themselves, what they say—no matter what it is about—has some sort of personal meaning.In a way, whatever it is, they want to talk about things that are important to them, things that are more personal and a little bit self-centered in nature.

That's why it's so important to be in the moment, watch their signals, and find out where they want the chat to go.By focusing on a topic that both parties are comfortable with, you're more likely to increase the level of your interaction.

Try letting go of your preconceived thoughts in the present moment and imagine chatting like a freestyle dance.You feel a certain rhythm from your partner, and you tap your toes to that rhythm.When you want to go in another direction, guide them with gentle movements, and they will follow.This can only be done if you are self-aware and observant.

Once you have the observation skills of Sherlock Holmes, you can understand what the man thinks, what excites him, and how he expresses himself.

This is important, and the answers to these questions are the key to getting others to like you.Sadly, you can't get to this level if you don't take the time to observe the other person.You have to be in the moment and truly understand the emotional component of each moment.

practise:

This will be a day of silence!Go out to a public place and find a place where you can sit quietly and people-watch.Pay attention to people and their interactions.Can you see what they are saying without hearing what they are saying?Can you tell which side wants to talk more and which side is getting bored?

So, can you observe and discern such emotions as admiration, hatred, faking, or other hidden emotions?I bet you can.This may be the first time you can observe someone with full attention, analyze their conversational situation, and think outside of your own box.

(End of this chapter)