He Hates Me, He Loves Me Not

It has only been two days since Lucy left, and although he doesn't want to, Kaiden can't help but feel anxious in her absence.

No—scratch that, it's terrifying. His heart is beating loudly in his chest, and he keeps looking over his shoulder in fear that someone is following him.

It's crazy; he feels crazy, but without the presence of the reliable Beta, there's this nagging feeling that everything will fall apart. Something is about to go wrong and there's no way for him to stop it. He's useless like that.

He plays with the hem of his shirt, trying to control the trembling of his body. It wasn't this bad when Aunt Jean left for work, mostly because he knew that Lucy was coming. He asked for her, after all.

Now, however, he has no one to lean on, and the thought is making it difficult for him to breathe.

Kaiden is ashamed at how much he has come to depend on her—on the older sister figure that swooped into his life and saved him time and time again, especially since she went as far as to take care of his meals for him. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were all sent to his room, the food prepared by someone else since he's not allowed in the kitchen anymore.

Truthfully, Kaiden doesn't have to be here. He doesn't have to leave the safety of his room so that he can eat. There are tons of food leftover in the fridge, and he's allowed to ask for his meals to be delivered, but he can't eat in an empty room any longer. When there's no one by his side, nothing can drown out the voices in his head.

So, there he is, standing by the open doors of the hospital cafeteria, trying to gather the courage to enter. He tries to remember the grounding technique his therapist taught him, but even that is difficult to do.

Oh, /gods/, what if he can't do this? What if he gets stuck in this place because he can't even do one thing right? They'll lock him up again in the— No. No!

Stop it, he yells inside his head, picturing a large stop sign to block his thoughts from spiraling.

Breathe in, he tells himself. Breathe out.

He does, despite the ragged breaths he takes as he inhales through his nose and exhales through his mouth. For a moment, it works enough to allow him to calm down.

Think, he shouts inside his head. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to remember.

When the memory clicks into place, he opens them, looking for five things he can see. Anything works, it's fine as long as it's in front of his eyes.

With his head down, his vision is limited to the hands resting atop his stomach. Ten fingers and two palms. That's more than five, right?

Then, four things he can touch. There's the ground under his feet, hard and cold. There is also his long hair framing the sides of his face.

He brings a hand to tuck a strand behind his ear, the touch affirming him of his own existence. He's here and he's okay—words that he repeats to himself every day.

With that same hand, he extends it to his side, feeling the wall. It's warm, he realizes, probably heated.

The other hand continues resting on his stomach, touching the fabric separating his fingers from his skin. There, he is reminded of the lives growing inside him. Two pups—two babies who will soon come into this world, his to protect and nurture.

His inner omega rouses at the thought, and from then on, it becomes easier for Kaiden to ground himself. He hears the clanging of trays in the cafeteria, the chatter from patients who have become close since being admitted, and even the soft laughter of the children having lunch with their parents.

He can smell the food, along with his own pheromones which are starting to sweeten again.

Lastly, one thing he can taste. His mouth is empty right now, but it won't be for long.

He takes another deep breath as he raises his head. The open doors are still intimidating, the noise overwhelming his senses, but he somehow managed to bring his head above the water.

With slightly shaking knees, he brings one foot forward the other. The distance is short, less than fifteen steps before he's officially in.

The cafeteria is large, no doubt capable of seating patients and staff alike. Unlike the sterile colors of white and blue found in the hospital, the cafeteria is decorated in soft shades of brown and sunset yellow. Instead of a wall, there's a large floor-to-ceiling window overlooking the view outside. Softly padded chairs, booths, and stools are carefully arranged on the floor so that there's no room for accidents, especially since he has spotted two or three children running around.

When he walks to pick up a serving tray for himself, the chatter continues. It's like no one has noticed his presence, no one to question why an Omega like him thinks he deserves to eat at the same place as them. The thought brings him to ease.

Relishing in his small victory, he doesn't notice how even though the chatter doesn't stop, the overall mood in the cafeteria has started to relax.

Two men enter, and although he can't smell them because of the scent patches, he assumes that they're alphas from their big stature.

Kaiden tenses up when they line up after him. He waits with bated breath for something to happen, shuffling forward with the queue. However, even when his tray is filled with vegetables he doesn't particularly like, he can't feel their presence on his back. Their shadows seem far away too.

He takes a peek to see if they left but is surprised when he discovers the two presumed alphas keeping a healthy distance away from him.

One of the two, the slightly taller one, catches his gaze and offers him a friendly smile.

Embarrassed, Kaiden turns his head back, but not before returning that smile with a small wave.

"Don't worry," a lady in a chef's outfit, black apron, and white cap behind the food shield says, "no one will hurt you here."

He wants to say that he's not scared, but there's no denying it when a simple movement makes him flinch. "Thank you," he says instead when the kind lady puts a bowl of soup on his tray.

Another lady piles meat on top of his platter. When he tries to speak up to stop her, the lady interrupts him by clicking the tongs twice, saying, "Go on. You're not just eating for yourself, after all."

He mumbles a quiet thanks before sliding his tray to the next section, relieved when the middle-aged man in the same outfit gives him a warm smile behind his face shield. He, too, gives Kaiden more than the amount of the usual serving.

This generosity continues along the line, confusing Kaiden with the heaps of food placed on his tray, yet when he opens his mouth to protest, another lady—the youngest of them, he notes—tells him that Lucy talked to all of them before she left.

"We'll take care of you even if she didn't tell us to," she tells him, and that's all it takes for his eyes to water.

Kaiden doesn't know what to feel. He's grateful that Lucy has gone out of her way to ensure his safety and comfort, but this makes him miss her even more. He now feels stupid for all the worrying and nervousness he felt earlier; he should've trusted that she won't leave him alone to fend for himself.

"Don't hesitate to come here whenever you're craving something. We'll make it for you," she says while the rest agrees with her words.

Kaiden nods, not knowing what to say except a combination of 'you don't have to do that' and 'thank you.' With a few words of assurance from them, he already feels much safer than he did when he stood outside in his lonesome.

After expressing his gratitude, he wipes the tears at the corner of his eyes and starts looking for a place to sit. It doesn't take long, not with the wide area and the empty seats.

He makes a move towards the corner, heading to the two-seater booths when a tug on his sweatpants stops him in his tracks.

Surprised, he gives himself a moment to internally mourn the damage to his favorite sweatpants. It'll be the third one he accidentally destroys this month, the other two ripping at the seam when he did his laundry. He knows it's his fault for buying cheap pants, but he originally thought it wouldn't matter since he kept getting bigger anyway. Now he realizes how wrong he was.

He lifts the tray to look down at whatever it is that he snagged on, and becomes even more surprised when he sees a familiar face holding on to the fabric.

"Kaidy!"