I Should Have Just Died

“Me?”

I thought I was happy.

“You look like you’re going to cry.”

“Ah…”

Only then, Alyssa realized that she wasn’t happy, but she was heartbroken. No one welcomes her. She felt sorry for herself, wanting to do anything to buy their favor somehow.

‘No, Alyssa.’

She rebuked herself.

‘That’s not right. Think of what Avery did to Cambridge.”

As she shook his head, Alyssa denied Sasha’s words.

“I’m on my way to see the hero of the Empire who unfortunately died. Shouldn’t I be sad? Besides, he almost became my husband…”

Sasha tied Alyssa’s hat ribbon again with a melancholic face.

“You didn’t even know his face.”

“I know his face.”

Alyssa opened his eyes wide and denied.

“Everything you see is from the papers…”

“But I still know his face.”

The flimsy laughter rather aroused Sasha’s regret.

“Goodbye, milady. Please tell me what it was like when you come back.”

Alyssa nodded.

She’ll have to stand outside the cemetery anyway and wait for Ophelia and Juliana. This would be a small start for Alyssa to become a part of Cambridge.

Even if it may be early expectations.

“You are ready.”

Alyssa left the room with a solemn expression. On the first floor, Juliana and Ophelia, who were waiting with anxious faces, greeted her.

“Alyssa…!”

“I’m sorry, mother. I guess I’m late.”

Alyssa quickly descended the stairs.

“No. We came out quickly because we were impatient.”

Juliana grabbed Alyssa’s hand. She stared at the hand holding her hand with a strange face. It was someone who held Alyssa’s hand after a long time. The body temperature exchanged between their palms was warm enough to make her cry. Alyssa crouched her sore nose and carefully held the hands together.

Juliana’s face was surprised, but soon she was excited to see Kendrick, and she pulled Alyssa’s hand.

‘I was right…’

Today will be just the beginning. If you go to them step by step like this in the future, the day will come when they will accept her as a family someday.

***

Arriving in front of the imperial royal mausoleum, they took an impatient step that seemed to barely maintain their dignity.

Alyssa, Ophelia, and Juliana had to walk for quite a long time from the imperial gates, as carriages were not allowed inside the imperial family.

The most intimate and deepest royal cemetery has emerged.

Ophelia and Juliana did not wait, as if remembering the place they had seen at the funeral. Alyssa paused behind them, a direct contrast to their hurried feet. It was to wait for Ophelia and Juliana at the entrance as promised.

In the distance, she saw the figures of Ophelia and Juliana’s collapsing.

Along with them, Alyssa’s heart sank. With a trembling hand, she covered her mouth.

“Kendrick! My baby… baby… why are you here… Why… Yes, yes, why are you here…! In this cold place…!”

Juliana’s mourning cries erupted. Harsh breathing sounds were heard. Even the act of inhaling and exhaling is overwhelming, so she tapped on her chest.

Alyssa, who was looking at them, stepped back with a sense of shame.

Juliana has been pretending to be okay, but she’s not. In addition to Kendrick, she has Ophelia and Seidrick, so she should have pretended to be okay, thinking of her remaining children.

So she held back her tears and smiled.

I only realized it now.

Alyssa had never encountered such desperate feelings. Her surprised lips trembled.

From childhood, she grew up like a doll under the control of the queen’s demands.

It was a cool and cold daily life.

A life of insensitivity where you could not feel joyful emotions such as love, friendship, and happiness, as well as sadness such as pain and frustration…

These were emotions she had never felt properly. All Alyssa knew was only minor joy and sadness. Some emotions have been suppressed under the queen’s compulsive education.

Alyssa puffed up her lips.

If Sasha had been by her side, she would have supported her, but no one was by her right now.

“Huuuhh… brother… brother ah!! Answer me!!”

After Juliana’s sorrowful cries, Ophelia’s scream struck Alyssa’s eardrums.

Her heart pounded.

‘I, I…’

She swallowed hot saliva over my throat. Once again, the world seemed to pull her feet. Facts too heavy for the narrow world Alyssa had lived in. That was Avery’s sin.