I am not a literary giant

Chapter 116 "A Lament"

"Actually, it's not just duck blood vermicelli. There's another person."

As Chen Qingluo spoke, her eyes became hazy, as if she were sitting in a bar and noticed that the girl across from her, who was drinking Blue Phantom, had a copy of "Kafka on the Shore" peeking out of her handbag.

To outsiders, her demeanor had become even more enigmatic and profound. Her dark eyes were like a deep, still lake, reflecting the distant past.

People say Chen Qingluo is naturally beautiful, and because of her looks and talent, many are quite interested in her love life. While paparazzi don't track her daily schedule to see if she's secretly meeting with men, whenever news surfaced about Chen Qingluo's alleged romantic relationships, it immediately becomes headline news on Xihe.

The people of Xihe cherished this exceptional young woman from Xihe so much. They envied the husband she chose and worried about her delay in finding a lover.

The host was filled with mixed feelings of fear and surprise. She hadn't expected a scripted interview to turn out this way. Had Chen Qingluo finally come to her senses and decided to use this occasion to publicly announce her relationship? She cautiously anticipated that Chen Qingluo would reveal more. The audience shared her sentiment.

Except for Prince Xu.

At this moment, Prince Xu's heart was filled with turbulent waves and a violent storm, as if he were lost in a deep valley shrouded in thick fog. He trembled all over.

For a fleeting moment, he wondered if the person Chen Qingluo spoke of, the one she couldn't forget, could be him. But this thought only lasted a split second. Because the answer couldn't be him.

If Chen Qingluo wanted, she had a thousand ways to contact Wang Zixu over the past twelve years. She hadn't left their class group chat, and private messaging wasn't disabled in the group; if she wanted to find him, she could just click on his profile picture. The email account they had exchanged hadn't changed in ten years, and it was overflowing with all sorts of spam, but he would still log in periodically to check for new emails, just in case his account got frozen.

If she wanted to find him, it would be effortless. He hadn't contacted her because of his inferiority complex, so what reason did she have not to come looking for him?

He wasn't the one Chen Qingluo couldn't forget. There was someone else she truly longed for and missed.

Prince Xu knew this day would come. He knew Chen Qingluo would announce that she had fallen in love with someone, then get married, have children, and live a wonderful life somewhere, a life that Prince Xu knew nothing about.

He knew this would happen, but hearing the news still was unbearable. This subtle emotion is like Kobayashi Issa's haiku: I know she is ultimately unrelated to my life, yet... yet...

Or perhaps, he recalled a poem by Heine that he had read during his university years, the full poem of which is as follows:

I lingered in foreign lands,

Waiting for the girl I love

He waited until he saw her put on her wedding dress at the church.

Damn it, I'm not the groom!!

She is a beautiful violet.

It shines brightly in my memory.

This impetuous girl! I didn't even lay a finger on her!

Damn it, I have no regrets!!

...This poem was translated by Wang Xiaobo, and its title is "Elegy". But when Wang Zixu read it, he didn't feel sad at all; on the contrary, he found it quite cheerful, especially when he saw Heine cursing in a fit of anger.

It wasn't until 10 years later, when he thought of the poem again, that he truly understood its sorrowful meaning. He realized how much despair lay behind the cursing, and he felt even more sorrowful than Heine—he was utterly unworthy to have even touched that impetuous young woman.

Wang Zixu's mind was in turmoil; he felt incredibly sentimental. So many years had passed, he'd gotten married where he was supposed to, lived his life as usual, so what the hell was he still clinging to? He hated this version of himself. Just then, the man sitting next to him scrutinized him for a while, then suddenly said:

"Dude, haven't we met somewhere before?"

Wang Zixu was startled and turned to look at the person. The person had a receding hairline, so thin it was heartbreaking, but the face was undeniably familiar. Wang Zixu racked his brains for a moment, but it was the other person who remembered first:

"Oh, I remember now, aren't you Xie Cong's classmate?"

Wang Zixu was taken aback. He remembered that he had run into Xie Cong when he had barbecue with Lin Feng at "Old Village Chief" last time. The table was full of famous directors, reporters and editors, and this guy was among them. As for his surname and name, Wang Zixu had completely forgotten.

He extended his hand somewhat awkwardly, and the man said, "Xie Cong is here too. How about I switch seats with him so you two can chat?"

Wang Zixu quickly waved his hand, saying no, no, there was no need to be so polite. The man ignored his politeness and turned around, calling softly, "Xie Cong, Xie Cong!"

Just then, the host on stage spoke, and the man stopped talking, turning his head to look at the stage at the same time as Wang Zixu.

The host asked, "Professor Chen, who is the person you're talking about?"

Chen Qinglu remained silent for a long time, not answering her immediately. She seemed lost in thought.

Chen Qingluo entered the space of her memories: she was no longer sitting under the most dazzling lights of the Xihe Literature Club, but standing under the shade of a tree next to the basketball court in high school; it was not just after dusk, but after the second period in the afternoon, and the bell for the third period had not yet rung; the sun was high in the sky, its power fierce, and when the wind blew, the heat wave swept over her like a tidal wave.

Chen Qingluo had dark eyebrows and red lips. She wore a school uniform with short sleeves, and her exposed arms were dazzlingly white. She sat on the flower bed with one leg crossed and her toes pointed up. In front of her stood a short-haired girl, holding a bottle of mineral water in her hands.

Cicadas chirped tirelessly overhead, while the sounds of basketballs hitting the backboard and cheers from the crowd drifted from afar. The air was thick with the scent of earth.

"I heard you were planning to give Wang Zixu some water?"

The short-haired girl lowered her head: "This wasn't my plan. Wasn't it decided in a class meeting? I'm in charge of logistics for this game."

A cheer erupted from behind them. Chen Qingluo and the short-haired girl turned around and saw Wang Zi, his fist clenched loosely, panting as he gave a "go for it!" gesture. Someone patted him on the back. It seemed like he had just grabbed the rebound and scored a layup.

Chen Qingluo turned her head and continued her topic: "I didn't go to the class meeting, but I heard that you volunteered to go?"

The short-haired girl said indignantly, "Who said that?"

"Anyway, that's what some people say." Chen Qingluo lowered her voice, "This isn't good during high school."

The short-haired girl blushed: "What do you mean?"

Chen Qingluo fiddled with her hair: "The teachers might misunderstand. We'll talk to you in the office sometime, and then it'll be hard to explain."

The short-haired girl pleaded, "Don't tell the teacher."

"I definitely won't tell the teacher. Look at me, besides collecting homework, I've never actually spoken to the teacher."

"I was just handing him water, I don't even like him."

"Who said you like him?"

The short-haired girl handed the bottled water to Chen Qingluo: "Why don't you pass it to him?"

Chen Qingluo turned on the water tap and drank it herself: "He's such a grown man, can't he drink water himself? Why do you have to hand it to him?"

"It's about cheering people on and boosting morale. That's what everyone discussed in the class meeting, but you weren't there at the time."

After finishing her water, Chen Qingluo wiped her fair chin with the back of her hand: "Then go cheer him on. It's just that handing water to a boy is too ambiguous, and people might talk about it behind his back. Since everyone is cheering him on, it doesn't matter."

Aren't you going?

"It's too sunny."

The short-haired girl took a couple of steps with her hands behind her back, then suddenly turned around and whispered, "Do you have a crush on him?"

Chen Qingluo screwed the bottle cap on: "Who said that?"

"Otherwise, why don't you care about the other boys?"

Chen Qingluo said, "He's my deskmate."

"...Is that so?" The short-haired girl's eyes held a meaningful look.

Chen Qingluo rolled her eyes: "Otherwise what? Don't overthink it. Go, go."

...During evening self-study, Wang Zixu was slumped over his desk, his body reeking of sweat. Chen Qingluo wrinkled her nose, sat down next to him, and fanned him with her book.

Wang Zixu turned around, touched, and said, "Thank you. How did you know I was hot?"

"I don't know. I just think you smell too bad."

"Oh. Okay." Prince Xu shook his clothes, making the smell even stronger.

Chen Qingluo fanned herself even harder, casually asking, "Didn't you win? Why do you look so dejected?"

She could guess why. Every boy in the class had someone hand them water during breaks in the game, except him. He must have thought he was being ostracized. Winning the game was even more painful than losing.

But Wang Zixu didn't tell Chen Qingluo why; he was too embarrassed to say, and only said, "I'm a little tired."

Chen Qingluo stopped what she was doing, her dark eyes darted around, and her long eyelashes fluttered twice: "How about..."

"What's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

She wanted to suggest that she help him fetch water next time, but bringing it up abruptly at this moment would seem too awkward and impure.

Chen Qingluo coughed twice, turned around, and took out a book.

The only problem is that I'll have to persuade some girl to stop handing him water at the next game. Just thinking about it is such a hassle.

……

Chen Qingluo didn't understand why she would think of this experience. In fact, whenever she thought of this dark history, she would wrap herself in the quilt and wring her pillow before going to bed at night.

The host reminded her again, "Teacher Chen?"

"Hmm?" Chen Qingluo seemed to wake from a dream.

"You just mentioned that you have an unforgettable person in Xihe."

The host's tone was full of gossip. Chen Qingluo lowered her head, and when she raised it again, the shimmering light in her starry eyes had disappeared, as if she had suddenly realized that the girl reading "Kafka on the Shore" in the bar was not drinking Blue Phantom, but duck blood vermicelli soup.

"The person I can't forget is the old lady who sold duck blood vermicelli outside my old high school. The duck blood vermicelli I've had since has never been as good as hers."

The host asked, "After returning this time, did you revisit the place and have another bowl?"

"It's been so many years, the old lady stopped doing it a long time ago."

In the audience, the man next to Wang Zixu chuckled twice: "She's really funny."

Prince Xu didn't speak. He finally stopped trembling.

The man said, "I'd better call Xie Cong over."

Wang Zixu couldn't stop him, and Xie Cong still sat down. The two old classmates exchanged brief greetings, and Xie Cong sighed:

"I was so nervous just now! I thought Chen Qingluo was going to talk about people in our class!"

Wang Zixu rolled his eyes in the darkness: "What are you so nervous about? Do you really think Chen Qingluo could forget you?"

Xie Cong hissed and gasped, saying, "You never know!"

"How long were you deskmates? Two months? After she went to another high school, did she keep in touch with her old classmates? How could she be talking about you? Dude, you're being a bit presumptuous."

Xie Cong's face flushed red: "Just kidding, why are you so agitated?"

"Was I agitated? I wasn't agitated at all. Wasn't I just telling the truth?"

Wang Zixu rarely criticizes others so sharply. Or rather, he wasn't criticizing Xie Cong, but rather criticizing himself from a minute ago.

Xie Cong felt a little embarrassed and suddenly asked, "By the way, why are you sitting here?"

"Why can't I sit here?"

Xie Cong turned around and pointed: "I just saw your company's signboard, wasn't it in the back?"

Zhao Peilin peeked out from the other side of Wang Zixu: "He's a top contender for today's essay competition awards ceremony; he'll be going up on stage to receive his award later."

Zhao Peilin was taken aback: "You participated too? Did you make it to the final round?"

Wang Zixu nodded slightly. His journey to the final round had been somewhat tumultuous, but that was something he couldn't share with outsiders.

Xie Congqian chuckled twice and said, "I also participated, but unfortunately I was eliminated in the second round. You actually made it to the third round, not bad."

Wang Zixu didn't want to talk to him. He felt inexplicably irritable ever since he saw Chen Qingluo.

……

Diao Yiwen checked her phone for the 15th time tonight, feeling a little irritable.

Her chat history with her father was still stuck on the message, "I'll let you know when the results are out." Half an hour passed, and he still hadn't responded.

Even though knowing the outcome in advance wouldn't change anything—no matter how much power you have, you can't change the result—she still wanted to know beforehand, at least to calm her restless heart.

Beside her, Guo Ranran leaned closer: "Yiwen, are you nervous?"

Diao Yiwen shook her head: "It's alright."

"Don't be nervous, you can definitely do it," Guo Ranran said. "Besides, you've already made it into the top ten, you've already proven yourself."

"Thanks."

Diao Yiwen's hand holding the phone was unusually tense, and her knuckles were a little white.

We've already invited Yanzishan, just getting into the top ten isn't enough.

……

Lin Luo gritted her teeth and stared at her phone.

His chat history with Shen Qingfeng ends ten minutes ago when he asked Shen Qingfeng about the score. The previous message was when Shen Qingfeng told him the score of his first manuscript.

Something happened at the awards ceremony, something that prevented Shen Qingfeng from sending a message for a long time. Had their little tricks been discovered? Or had the awards been suspended? Lin Luo felt a little uneasy.

Or worse, if his grades are not good, Shen Qingfeng is so unhappy that he can't be bothered to talk to him.

After Chen Qingluo's interview, there was another interview with a celebrity, followed by a song and dance performance. Then, the leaders took time out of their busy schedules to come over, go on stage to greet everyone, and then sit in the first row.

The wait was incredibly long, and some people had already started to slack off. Wang Zixu couldn't quite describe his feelings either; he kept his eyes fixed on Chen Qingluo, unwilling to miss any possibility of her looking at him.

Unfortunately, she never noticed herself. The lighting was too dim offstage and too bright onstage, so she couldn't recognize her old classmate whom she hadn't seen for over 12 years in the darkness.

"It's out! It's out!"

Everyone looked up abruptly and finally saw that the judges of the judging panel walked from the back of the stage to the front, with Shen Qingfeng walking first.

The new program on stage elicited cheers from the audience, especially when Shen Qingfeng appeared, which drew a burst of applause. He seemed to have many fans present, and he smiled and waved to the audience.

But judging from his expression, he seemed tired. In fact, all the judges looked exhausted, including Ning Chunyan behind him. Ning Chunyan's steps were unsteady, and before sitting down, he exchanged a meaningful glance with Chen Qingluo beside him.

Behind the group was Yanzishan, the well-known writer who seemed to have the most energy among them, but his expression was serious, and his slightly dark face showed no emotion.

Li Tingfang was the last to take the stage. This elderly woman had clearly reached her physical limit, and the weariness on her face was the most pronounced among everyone present.

Lin Luo stared intently at Shen Qingfeng, trying to find answers on his face, even hoping to glean information about the rankings, but naturally, he couldn't discern anything. He even considered questioning why Shen Qingfeng hadn't replied to his messages.

Diao Yiwen also stared anxiously at Yan Zishan. She wanted to find the answer to how her work would rank on Yan Zishan's face. The more serious Yan Zishan's expression became, the more flustered she became, because that manuscript was also written by Yan Zishan, yet his expression didn't seem like that of someone who had won a good ranking for their work.

Lin Feng also stared intently at Li Tingfang. Throughout the selection process, he had maintained maximum restraint, never inquiring about his results, because his teacher disliked such practices. But at the last moment, he couldn't hold back any longer.

Everyone stared at their mentor, trying to read the judges' expressions. Among them, only Wang Zixu was staring at Chen Qingluo. Then he discovered that she had already started daydreaming and was hiding in a corner playing with her fingers.

Li Tingfang stepped onto the central podium and spoke into the microphone:

"Now we will begin the awards ceremony for this literary competition."

"The final round of judging for this literary conference was the most prestigious in terms of the number of judges, the fairest and strictest in terms of the scoring process, and the most comprehensive in terms of supervision in the history of the literary conference."

"The final results of this evaluation have been repeatedly discussed and unanimously approved by the judging panel. Now, please let the host announce the final results."

After saying that, Li Tingfang seemed to have finally reached her limit, sat down to the side, and let out a long sigh of relief.

The female host, dressed in a red cheongsam and sporting a standard smile, took to the stage and, after delivering a string of extremely elegant opening remarks, said:

"Now, we announce the winners of the Excellence Award for this competition: Lin Luo and Cui Xian!"

After saying that, she added, "Please invite the winners to come up on stage to receive their awards, and our special guests will present them to them!"

(End of this chapter)