Duosheng Danyuan

—The following is Zeng Yixi's own account—

My real name is Zeng Yingxin, and I am a girl from the countryside.

Born after the millennium, I was fortunate to live during a period of relatively good national development, so my childhood wasn't particularly traumatic. Even now, looking back on my time with a few friends brings me a sense of healing.

However, even in this new society where the general quality of the people has improved, the idea of ​​valuing sons over daughters still has a subtle influence on children, even if those people don't say it out loud.

My name is Yingxin, which is a good name. Plus, my birthday falls at the end of the lunar year, so I always naturally assumed that my parents hoped I would get rid of the old year and welcome the new. This interpretation was taught to me by an older brother who once taught in a rural area, and I liked it very much. Because of this, I was more obedient to my parents for a while.

However, the well-intentioned interpretation could not ultimately mask the malicious intent. This is what he said, his face flushed and his breath foul, after my father had drunk again, after I dragged him from the dinner table back to bed, and when my mother and brother were not around.

"Yingxin, do you really want to know why you're called Yingxin?!" Yes, after another heated argument with my parents, I questioned them about why they gave me such a name while not taking me seriously at all.

All I can say is that behind every shattered illusion lies a self that already sensed something was wrong, yet refused to accept the truth, repeatedly torturing itself. However, I was fortunate; that day I didn't choose to continue down that path.

"Yeah, I want to know! Tell me, every time I ask you, you just say 'out with the old, in with the new,' don't you have anything else to say?"

"Fine, I'll tell you!" Muttering, my father pounded the bed frame frantically, as if venting his nameless rage, and roared at me, "Your name wasn't given to you by your mother and me at all!"

"...What do you mean?"

"Damn it, back then I thought you were a spineless bastard and wanted to throw you away! Luckily, I met a highly skilled master by the river, which is why I let you stay!"

"...Then why did you give me this name?!" After a long silence, my mind raced, processing the secret my father had just revealed, before I finally broke down and screamed at him, "You...you might as well just drown me!"

"Then die! Die now!" The father's arm, which was pounding the bed board, swung more violently, and his voice became increasingly hysterical.

"Hmm!"

"Ha! Huff... cough cough cough!"

For a moment, we fell into an awkward silence.

Finally, my father spoke first, revealing the origin of my name. Apparently, the wise man said that an eldest daughter inevitably attracts a second son, and the birth of a daughter was a sign that a son would soon follow. This persuaded my father to keep me. When my father wanted to name me Zeng Zhaodi, it was also the same wise man who said:

"This is a new society now. The old-fashioned naming methods are outdated, and even if you choose one, it won't work. How about this, I'll name your baby girl... Zeng Yingxin, what do you think? It means getting rid of the old and welcoming the new. It means getting rid of the old for this baby girl and welcoming the new for your next baby boy!"

......

It turns out that my name does indeed come from the phrase "removing the old and welcoming the new." However, my real name, "Yingxin" (迎新), doesn't represent the "new" in my parents' eyes; it's just an "old" one. The real "new," born on the first day of the Lunar New Year, the "new" that everyone likes, is named Zeng Xile (曾喜乐).

Zeng Xile is not a bad younger brother, and actually my family is not a bad family either.

The next day, perhaps my father forgot, or perhaps to "take care" of me, he didn't mention anything about the previous day. It was also on that day that I stopped mentioning my own name altogether.

Children are sensitive, especially those who live with favoritism. Zeng Xile understood his parents' affection for him, and I naturally understood their neglect of me. But from that day on, I never asked my parents for anything again. Not even a pen from the village school or a piece of candy from the village store. From that day on, I didn't want anything except what was necessary for my basic living and studies.

I just want to leave.

As I said, my family is not a bad family. Although my parents still showed a slight favoritism towards my younger brother, they were not overly harsh on me. I completed primary school and then junior high school smoothly.

Perhaps it was because I was lucky that, although I was born in a rural area, it wasn't some poor, backward, feudal village. The village of my childhood was a large village that resembled a prosperous town, an ordinary village living in the midst of China's reform and opening up.

So, even though I was born into a family with patriarchal views, and even though I lived under the nose of a father who almost drowned his daughter, my life wasn't too bad. After all, my parents would still give me money, although the amount depended entirely on their mood, not on my needs.

After finishing junior high school, I successfully obtained my junior high school graduation certificate, completing nine years of compulsory education. Then, instead of taking the high school entrance exam, I found a job at a milk tea shop in a town in the county.

Actually, my family wasn't poor. In my memory, my parents would often get new cell phones. During the best years, my father's cell phone had a bitten apple icon on the back.

However, as I said, my parents give me money not because I need it, but because of their mood. After they've been living off their savings for a while, they naturally start telling me about the hardships their family faces.

So, like most girls in the village, I gave up the opportunity to go to high school and chose to work.

I don't feel like I lost out, because although I lost the opportunity to continue my studies, I gained the opportunity to leave this family and become independent. At that time, although I didn't know what independence meant, I was already fed up with the days when I had to ask others for money at their whim, even though those others were my parents.

I clearly remember that in 2016, the hourly wage at the bubble tea shop wasn't much, roughly less than ten yuan, but I was very content at the time. I believe most people felt the same way; the happiness they felt when they received their first paycheck was dazzling.

"Don't you give any of your earnings to your family?"

"what?"

"Your family provides you with food, clothing, and shelter. What are the costs of your living? Bring the money you earn home quickly, and I'll save it for you."

"...The money's all gone."

"You've spent it all?! Zeng Yingxin, are you kidding me?! Kids are like this! They have no sense of proportion when it comes to spending money! My God, that's two thousand yuan! I only told you about this one day late, and you've already spent it all?! You have to bring next month's money home!" I was practically slamming my hand on the table. The person in front of me was furious and menacing.

This person is my mother. She's the one who enjoyed life with my father, and now she can't stand poverty. I don't know how she knew my salary, even though I've never mentioned it to her. Looking back now, maybe on the day she asked me for money, she was inquiring about how much I earned working at the bubble tea shop.

"No, not at all." I put down my chopsticks and looked coldly at the middle-aged woman who had given birth to me.

"you*********!"

"Alright, shut up, all of you!" Then, the father slammed his fist on the table and roared.

The meal ended amidst the noise and shouting.

The next day, my aunt apologized to me, and my uncle made me apologize to my aunt, which I did. Then, as if making a concession, they told me to just take half of my salary home.

So every month thereafter, without fail, I would give my family 1,000 yuan of my salary on the day I received it. Later, when my salary increased, my aunt would receive the news immediately and take half of the extra salary with her.

I didn't argue, because they were right. I'm still eating their food and using their things.

The turning point came six months later. The manager of the bubble tea shop I worked for, because business was good and profits were high, planned to invest in a second bubble tea shop. At that time, the bubble tea craze in China was at its peak. The manager spent three months conducting research, joint ventures, obtaining licenses, and franchising in a city in a neighboring province, and finally decided to open a second bubble tea shop in that city.

Meanwhile, the store manager was engrossed in various popular self-help books online, such as "How to Train Employees," "Business Thinking," and "The Beginning of a Business Empire." So, I, the milk tea worker who had worked diligently in the store for half a year, from the first week of opening until the second branch was established, unsurprisingly received an offer from the store manager.

"Would you like to come with me to the big city?" the store manager asked me with a smile.

Of course I wanted to; I wanted to leave this place even if it meant death. I immediately accepted the shopkeeper's invitation and, with his help, bought a ticket to a big city. Even though I later learned that the shopkeeper chose me mainly because working girls in the city were more expensive, I was still very grateful to her. She had truly helped me a lot.

"no."

"impossible."

"I want to go."

"Don't even think about it!"

......

The arguments continued as always, but this time, I had the power to make my own choices. In six months, I saved three thousand yuan. It wasn't a lot of money, but it was enough for me to go to a big city with the store manager and for me to leave this family where prejudice was everywhere.

"If the kid wants to go out and make his way in the world, then go for it. Wasn't your old man the same way back then? If he hadn't made a name for himself at the docks, you and your mother wouldn't even be here!"

The one speaking was my grandmother, a woman who gave all her money to her son, an invisible person who hardly ever spoke at home.

To this day, I still don't know why Grandma spoke up for me. Perhaps it was out of love for her granddaughter? I dare not think so, not because I feel unworthy, but because my expectations of that family's character are too low. So, I made up a reason that better suited my fifteen-year-old self, my immature, and ever-present worldview—she found me annoying and wanted to spend more time with her precious grandson before she died.

After all, the arguments at home always started because of me. Even if the real conflict lies with my parents, in the eyes of the older generation, the apparent conflict is with me, so it's only natural that I'm the one who needs to resolve the conflict.

With a mix of tugging, feigned reluctance, and genuine concern, my parents saw me off on the train leaving the area.

When I was in elementary school, I read Zhu Ziqing's "The Back View." At that time, I didn't understand what Mr. Zhu Ziqing meant. Later, I often argued with my parents and forgot about "The Back View." But it wasn't until I saw my father's back as he went to the ticket checker to get my ticket and my mother's back as she carried my luggage that I truly understood what Mr. Zhu Ziqing wanted to express.

The so-called relatives and the so-called separation are all complex feelings, indescribable feelings that can only be experienced by oneself.

Aside from the night my father told me the truth about my name, I cried again at the train station entrance.

"elder sister......"

At the bathroom door, my younger brother tugged at my hand and handed me what he was holding.

"This is... How could you!" I was shocked, staring at the thing my brother handed me, almost speechless with astonishment.

"I've spent some of the money Mom, Dad, and Grandma gave me, but I've saved some. Sister, you must come back for Chinese New Year! We want to set off fireworks together!" my younger brother said to me with a smile.

This is five hundred yuan. I don't know when he started saving it or when he finally saved it. But since he's willing to give it to me, I don't want to think about it anymore.

My younger brother, Zeng Xile, is indeed a child who brings joy and happiness.

I know that my grades are too low to get into high school, and even if I do, I'm unlikely to go to university. But I still resent it. I resent that my parents wouldn't even give me a chance to take the high school entrance exam, giving that opportunity to my younger brother; I resent that my parents, despite not being poor, eventually fell to the point where they couldn't afford to send me to school; I resent my bedridden grandmother, who never said a good word for me...

Years later, I read this sentence: When you haven't seen someone for a long time, if that person is someone you dislike, you'll start to forget their flaws first; if that person is someone you like, you'll start to forget their strengths first.

Indeed, having worked part-time to get into university at the age of 20, I no longer know what shortcomings Zeng Xile had in my memory; similarly, I can't remember what good qualities my parents and grandmother had... except for the back view I saw at the station that day, a back view I will never forget in my life, a back view in my dreams.

I'm sorry, Zeng Yixi, I couldn't fulfill your wish. Even though I didn't dare to agree to it back then, I still often feel apologetic. But there's nothing I can do about it. Back there, even though I don't hate you, even though I like you, whenever I see you, whenever I hear your name, I'm reminded of my real name, and of the time my biology dad almost threw me into the river to drown.

Therefore, I would rather never see you again.

These days, I only appear in photos of the store manager's Chinese New Year banquet. Riding the wave of the milk tea craze, she sold all five of her milk tea shops in 2018, achieving complete financial freedom while avoiding the epic crisis at the end of 2019. During that period, a significant portion of my university tuition and even my living expenses were "borrowed" from her.

At the same time, every year, using various excuses, I would casually and perfunctorily let my family know I was safe and sound, and then say that I couldn't go back this year.

From now on, I intend to continue doing this...

Oh, right, there's one more thing I haven't mentioned—about the origin of my current name.

As luck would have it, the shareholder in the joint venture between the city and the store manager was from Guangxi. When he called me by name, he always pronounced "welcome" as "Yi Xi, Yi Xi," so I simply changed my name in my second week in the big city. Before coming to the big city, perhaps because the round-trip tickets were too expensive, or perhaps for some other, more benevolent reason, my parents had prepared all the documents I needed. So, changing my name wasn't a difficult thing for me.

My name is Zeng Yixi, and my younger brother is Zeng Xile. He brings joy to others, and I am joyful too.