Oh no, my deskmate is a yandere!

I need to see a psychiatrist tomorrow, so I'll finish this chapter tomorrow or tonight.

Sorry.

Let me share my own feelings.

If we're really talking about it, novels actually have had the least impact on me.

I got into a good university, but I wasn't able to maintain my academic performance.

During my freshman year, I felt like I had been reborn, and I was full of novelty and hope for everything.

But it only lasted one year, just one year.

Depression, depression, pain, and resentment felt like a demonic hand gripping my heart.

I felt breathless, lost about the future, and filled with self-blame.

I am in pain every single moment; I blame myself every single second.

Why do students who work so hard and are so ambitious in high school end up like this in college?

Why did the pain not lessen after I went to university, but instead become more profound and tormenting?

Until recently, I was able to react instantly to any place or sound that could stimulate me.

Anger, fear, pain, distortion, hatred.

For the first time, I realized that these emotions could actually converge on one person at the same time.

I wanted to demonstrate through self-harm, just as a simple warning, but when my intense emotions numbed my sense of pain and I actually cut myself, there was always a sliver of fear.

I still made the cut. The blade was very blunt, leaving only two shallow marks.

Sometimes I really feel pathetic, even when it comes to something like protesting, I only manage to do something half-hearted, or even just a superficial form of "self-harm".

I strongly oppose self-harm, and I often see people online who follow the trend of self-harm.

When I see their scars, I just find them laughable and meaningless.

Self-harm is not something to be followed blindly.

Self-harm is not a way to attract attention.

Self-harm is terrible.

This is what I saw after I calmed down, looking at the scratches on my arm.

Although it was shallow and there wasn't much bleeding, it just swelled up into a strip shape.

But I'm still a little scared.

I never imagined that, under intense stress, I would actually dare to warn others by harming myself.

I got nothing.

The warning had an effect; my advisor and the college almost stopped contacting me, and I regained my peace.

But I regretted it.

Today, I realized that I might be experiencing a serious mental health issue.

So I want to save myself.

I don't want to become one of those people who follow the trend of self-harm online.

I don't want to harm myself.

I want to live, I want to live well like I did in my freshman year of college.

Instead of drifting aimlessly, failing courses, feeling depressed, and spending long hours in fear and anxiety.

It might be depression, or it might be anxiety.

But regardless of the symptoms, and regardless of whether a psychiatric examination tomorrow reveals a diagnosis of illness.

I will try to change myself.

The suppressed pain is extremely unbearable, extremely unbearable!!!

Nobody likes this feeling.

You might feel hopeless all day and think about dying, even if it's just a thought and you don't actually want to commit suicide.

But this is enough to torment a person to the point of being listless, in a daze, and feeling like each day is an eternity.

Nobody likes this feeling. Nobody.

This week, or maybe next week, I'll be taking a break from school.

The leave of absence is for one year.

I want to save myself. I don't want to be stressed out by something in the future and end up self-harming again.

It's embarrassing to say, and I feel ashamed myself.

Before today, I had only told my mother and homeroom teacher about my self-harm.

If you feel unhappy or notice that your emotions are not right for a long time, please go to the hospital in time.

I hope everyone is happy every day.