Mud beads

Just as Yu Zhu raised her hand to knock, the door opened from the inside.

The girl who opened the door had short hair with curling irons clipped to her bangs. She glanced at Yu Zhu and the suitcase next to her, then quickly moved aside.

"Is this new here?" she asked.

Yu Zhu nodded: "Hello."

This dormitory is even more spacious than in the photos. It's a four-person suite with bunk beds, desks underneath, a private bathroom, a washer-dryer combo on one side of the balcony, and a small refrigerator in the corner. The desks and chairs are all matching sets, and air conditioning and a fresh air system are also provided. Yu Zhu's bed is by the window; the tabletop has been wiped clean, and a new name tag is affixed to the cabinet door.

My three roommates are Chen Yi, Tang Mo, and He Jingyun. They're all decent people, but not particularly outgoing either. They briefly explained to Yu Zhu how to handle the access control, school uniform laundry, air conditioner control panel, and late-night registration, then went about their own business.

Yu Zhu liked this relaxed atmosphere of mutual respect.

The fact that no one cares actually means that she isn't bothering anyone.

After unpacking her luggage, she placed the computer on her desk. When the screen lit up, Panpan's avatar popped up in the lower right corner.

Panpan: Tomorrow is the first day of school. The new study plan has been updated. Shall we start previewing?

Yu Zhu placed her hands on the keyboard, thought for a moment, and typed the first sentence.

Panpan, I'm living at school now.

Panpan replied quickly: The new environment will bring stress. She suggested organizing your schedule, study materials, and essential items to establish a stable routine.

Yu Zhu stared at the word "order" and typed again: How long after people are separated will they forget each other?

Panpan: There is no fixed time; whether or not you forget depends on the weight of the memory.

Yu Zhu sat in front of the screen for a while, then closed the chat window and opened the math courseware.

Moth

After starting boarding school, life began to move forward. Seasons changed, and time flew by.

When Aunt Wang first started her new job, she would send Yu Zhu voice messages every day, asking if she had eaten, if her dorm was cold, and if she had brought in her clothes. Yu Zhu always replied, saying she had eaten, that she wasn't cold, and that everything was fine. Later, Aunt Wang got busy, and the messages came every two or three days, and then every week. Yu Zhu didn't urge her. She knew that when you're living under someone else's roof, your time isn't entirely your own anymore.

Zhou Qiyu had asked her out twice. Once to see an exhibition, and once for dinner, but Yu Zhu declined both times with excuses. When she declined the second time, Zhou Qiyu sent her a message: "You can contact me if you encounter any difficulties."

Yu Zhu replied: Thank you, Sister Nana.

Echizen Toru has not contacted her.

All she knew about him came from her social media posts and gossip. Occasionally, Yuejian Che would appear in Zhou Qiyu's photos, standing behind the glass at a shooting range or on a foreign street, headphones around his neck, a handsome smile on his face. Yu Zhu would see these photos, neither liking nor commenting, but secretly saving every picture with him in it, even if it was just the back of his head.

She always felt somewhat ridiculous and despicable when she did these things.

There was 800,000 in the card that Yue Feng gave him.

Yu Zhu placed the card at the deepest part of the drawer, encased in a bank envelope. Every night, she would report her daily expenses in detail to Panpan for recording. She meticulously calculated all her expenses from the second year of junior high school to four years of university, including tuition, accommodation, meals, textbooks, miscellaneous fees, and even the most basic daily necessities each month.

Eight hundred thousand may seem like a lot at first glance, but given the fees and expenses of private schools, it's impossible to live on without careful budgeting.

Besides, she borrowed this money at the cost of her self-respect. Every extra penny spent means an extra penny to pay back later.

She didn't live a frugal life. She ate in the cafeteria and bought fruit, but she wouldn't spend money on unnecessary things. Water from the vending machine cost 3.5 yuan, so she got it from the water dispenser; the school bookstore sold imported pens, so she bought the cheapest black pen refills from the stationery store near the entrance; when someone in her class ordered milk tea, she said she was lactose intolerant.

Yuejian Che urged her to study hard, so she had Panpan create a daily study plan. She memorized English during morning reading, worked on math during lunch break, and corrected mistakes during evening self-study. She listened to English listening exercises until her ears burned, solved challenging math problems until her fingers were stiff, and when her essay was criticized by Teacher Wei for being "too emotional," she went back and rewrote it entirely. Her grades gradually climbed; in the second semester of eighth grade, she entered the top thirty in her grade, in the first semester of ninth grade, she entered the top ten, and by the second semester of ninth grade, she had consistently ranked in the top five.

Her body is also changing.

Her school uniform sleeves shortened, the sallowness in her face gradually faded, and her hair grew to her shoulder blades, becoming increasingly smooth and shiny. Before, the people in her class always looked at her with a slightly disdainful scrutiny. Later, that look changed. New students inquired about her contact information, club leaders handed her invitations to join their clubs, and Xu Jiayan, who sat in front of her, would frequently turn around and glance in her direction.

Perhaps because of Zhou Qiyu, Song Keyi stopped targeting her.

She ignored Yu Zhu. They bumped into each other in the restroom. Song Keyi was applying lipstick while looking in the mirror, and Yu Zhu was washing her hands. Their eyes met briefly in the mirror before they quickly looked away.

Xu Jiayan began to fawn over her.

He picked up her pencil from the floor, saved her a seat, and asked her if she wanted to go to the convenience store during breaks. When her water bottle was empty, he refilled it. Yu Zhu said, "I can do it myself."

Xu Jiayan chuckled: "Alright, I know you have hands."

A few boys nearby started making a fuss, and he kicked the guy, a smug look on his face.

In the second semester of her third year of junior high, Ms. Zhao called her to her office and said that if she continued to study at the school, the senior high school could offer her a scholarship.

Yu Zhu stood in front of the table, her fingers fiddling with the cuffs of her school uniform, and said first, "Thank you for always helping me."

Teacher Zhao looked up at her: "Why are you suddenly bringing this up?"

Yu Zhu asked, "Will the tuition be much lower if we go to the No. 1 Middle School in the city?"

Teacher Zhao paused for a moment: "You want to go to a public high school?"

"Mm." Yu Zhu nodded.

Teacher Zhao pulled out the report card and looked it over: "With your grades, you should have no problem getting into the city's No. 1 High School. Public schools have lower fees and scholarships. But the pressure there is high, and the students are diverse; no one will be able to give you this much individual attention."

Upon hearing the word "take care," Yu Zhu lowered her head and noticed a faint speck of gray next to the tip of her shoe.

Although Toru Eshima has already gone abroad, she is still under the protection of the Eshi family.

"I know," she said. "Public schools might... be a better fit for me."

Ms. Zhao sighed and didn't speak immediately. After a while, she closed the folder.

"Okay," Teacher Zhao said. "Then let the results speak for themselves. I'll ask the admissions office of the No. 1 High School for you."

Yu Zhu looked up and said, "Thank you, Teacher Zhao."

"Don't thank me too soon." Teacher Zhao picked up her pen and wrote a few words next to her report card, "Focus on doing well on the high school entrance exam."

At the end of May, on the day the graduation photos were taken, Xu Jiayan called out to her from next to the vending machine on the side of the teaching building.

"Are you going to the No. 1 High School in the city?" he asked.

Yu Zhu said, "Mm."

"Why do we have to go there?" Xu Jiayan frowned. "Isn't our high school good enough?"

"Okay." Yu Zhu paused for a moment, then said, "I want to go there."

Xu Jiayan looked at her without saying anything. After a while, he suddenly laughed, but it sounded a bit dry.

"Yu Zhu," he said, "Can't you tell I'm pursuing you?"

Yu Zhu was stunned.

The words were too direct and too sudden. She didn't react for a moment, just staring blankly at him. Hot air was blowing out of the vending machine's vents, making her calves feel hot.

Xu Jiayan frowned, his ears slowly turning red: "I admit I was rude and offended you before. You should know how I treated you afterwards, right?"

Yu Zhu slowly came to her senses.

Those test papers, seats, water, and jokes during breaks all had a deeper meaning. But she never asked Xu Jiayan to do anything for her, nor did she feel that she owed him anything. Yuejian Che brought her out of the mountains, let her study, and gave her a place to live, but he hadn't yet made her "understand" what he was asking for.

She answered honestly, "I haven't thought about it."

Xu Jiayan was momentarily speechless: "And now?"

Yu Zhu remained expressionless: "It's the same now."

Xu Jiayan was silent for a moment, then suddenly took a step closer: "Because of Yuejian Che?"

Yu Zhu looked up, her heart skipped a beat.

"I've checked," Xu Jiayan said urgently. "The person who sponsored you is Yuejian Tetsu. You like him, don't you?"

The name "Yuejian Che" coming out of Xu Jiayan's mouth, mixed with "funding" and "liking," sounded rough and grating. Those accounts she kept on the last page of her notebook, that card hidden deep in the drawer, those thoughts she couldn't bear to see the light of day, were all exposed by Xu Jiayan's words, carrying an unsavory connotation.

The vending machine was still humming. The sweltering heat of approaching summer seemed to have already reached Yu Zhu's head.

"What's it to you?" she asked, looking up.

Xu Jiayan looked away: "I just want to know."

"so?"

Xu Jiayan's eyes widened slightly.

Yu Zhu rarely spoke in this tone; she preferred to keep her head down, to remain silent, and to avoid trouble. But at this moment, her fingers gripped the hem of her skirt, and words uncontrollably spilled out.

"It was Toru Echizen who sponsored me," she said. "If it weren't for him, I would still be feeding chickens and ducks and cutting pig feed in the Qinling Mountains."

"Do you know what pigweed is? It's chicory, sweet potato vines, and purslane."

Just because we're sitting in the same classroom now doesn't mean we're on the same wavelength.

After saying all that in one breath, Yu Zhu felt a little short of breath. She took a deep breath and continued, "So whether I like Yue Jian Che or not has nothing to do with him, and your liking has nothing to do with me."

She couldn't quite explain her feelings for him. All she knew was that after Echizen Toru left, she hadn't truly taken him out of her mind for a single day. A casual remark from him about studying hard could keep her glued to her desk until late at night.

Xu Jiayan threw the bottle of ice water into the trash can. The bottle hit the side of the can and rolled out. He didn't pick it up, only saying, "Fine, consider it me being a jerk."

He turned and left.

Yu Zhu stood there for a while, then bent down to pick up the water bottle from the ground and threw it back into the trash can. She returned to the classroom and finished a math test as usual, but made more mistakes than usual, and corrected them until eleven o'clock.

That night, she turned on her computer again and typed to Panpan.

What does it feel like to like someone?

Panpan: Liking someone is probably like having a lot to care about in your heart. All your little emotions are stirred by him, and you always think of him unconsciously when you have free time.

The main dormitory light was off, with only a few narrow beams of light shining through the bed curtains. Yu Zhu stared at the screen, her eyes stinging.

She didn't reply again, but after a while, a new reply from Panpan popped up in the chat: Memory updated.

In the June mock exam, she ranked fourth in her grade. Teacher Zhao called her into the office again; on the table were application materials for the city's No. 1 High School. Tuition reduction, a spot in the experimental class, and an entrance scholarship. Yu Zhu's first glance was at the fees. The figure was so much lower than what she'd seen at her current school, so much so that the veins on the back of her hand slowly relaxed.

Teacher Zhao said, "The final admission will depend on your high school entrance exam scores, so don't let your guard down."

Yu Zhu nodded: "I will try my best."

Ten days before the high school entrance exam, the dormitory was in chaos. Chen Yi had spread her notebook of wrong answers all over the floor, He Jingyun was memorizing politics until her tongue was tied, and Tang Mo had pasted three countdown sheets inside her bed curtains. People would come out to get water in the middle of the night, their slippers slapping against the floor, the sound echoing back and forth in the narrow corridor.

Yu Zhu locked her phone in the cabinet, only taking it out each evening to reply to Aunt Wang. Aunt Wang sent a voice message, telling Yu Zhu to do well on the exam and not to be nervous. There was the sound of wind in the background, and the rattling of the iron gate in the rural courtyard. Yu Zhu listened to it twice and replied: I will do well on the exam.

The three days of the high school entrance exam were terribly hot. The air conditioning in the exam room was set low, and the cold air pressed down from above, causing the edges of the exam papers to curl slightly. Yu Zhu held a black pen, her fingers calloused from years of writing. The Chinese composition topic was quite new, and she didn't think too much about it, just writing according to her intuition; the math was easier than in the mock exam, and she started writing early and then carefully checked her work twice; before the English listening test began, there was a loud bang on the loudspeaker, and her heart skipped a beat, but she quickly calmed it down.

The bell rang for the last exam, and the proctors collected the papers. Yu Zhu sat in her seat, her fingers clenched, her palms sweaty. She didn't have many emotions; her mind was blank after the sudden relaxation. She carefully put her admission ticket and stationery into a transparent bag, and when she walked out of the exam room, the sun was blindingly bright.

Yu Zhu stood by the crowd for a while before heading to the bus stop.

Shortly after the results were released, Ms. Zhao called her and asked her to come to the school. She rushed to the academic affairs office; the corridor had just been mopped, and the smell of disinfectant was strong. Ms. Zhao stood at the door, holding a stiff envelope with the name of the city's No. 1 High School printed on it.

"Your acceptance letter has arrived," said Teacher Zhao. "Yu Zhu, congratulations!"

Yu Zhu took it.

The edge of the envelope dug into her fingertips. She tore it open; inside was a red and white admission notice, the paper thick, the print clear. The name field read: Yu Zhu. Below were the admitted school, class, and registration date, along with a fee explanation. She read the fee explanation over and over again. The number felt so light, so light it made her nose sting with tears.

He is far from being innocent.

But the tent was finally pushed forward a little.

Yu Zhu put the notification letter back into the envelope and bowed, saying, "Thank you, Teacher Zhao."

She walked out of the administration office; the window at the end of the corridor was open. People were running on the playground, the whistles blaring, the sun making the concrete pave white. A row of cars was parked at the school gate; the drivers stood under the shade of the trees, smoking and looking at their phones, waiting for their children to complete the paperwork.

No one was waiting for her downstairs.

She put the admission notice inside her schoolbag, zipped it up, and walked along the shade of the trees toward the bus stop.