Mud beads

After blocking Etsuya Toru, Yu Zhu's life remained unchanged.

She still got up before dawn. She routinely washed up, changed clothes, and went to class. The final exam week at Chang'an University was suffocating; the library opened at 7:00, and by 6:30 there were already people queuing outside.

She and Liu Zhengyang had arranged to study together. The library wasn't very warm, and drafts were seeping in through the window cracks. She would sit by the window for a while, then rub her hands together inside her sleeves. Yu Zhu's pen never stopped; her notes grew thicker and thicker, the edges curling up.

Liu Zhengyang noticed that she was unwilling to talk, so he put a bag of hot milk on her table during the break.

"You've been like you're offline lately," he said. "Just say the word if you need anything."

Yu Zhu turned to look at him.

Liu Zhengyang zipped his jacket up to his chin, his hands tucked into his sleeves, only his fingers visible as he gripped a pen: "Don't misunderstand, I'm not prying into your privacy. It's just that your state is affecting my study atmosphere."

Yu Zhu stuffed the hot milk into her sleeve to warm it up, and smiled, "Thank you, I'm fine."

"Okay." Liu Zhengyang nodded. "Then you continue to pretend nothing's wrong, and I'll continue to pretend I believe you."

He didn't ask any more questions and lowered his head to write his homework.

Her affair with Ji Yong started making headlines after that video from that night. College students love gossip, and wherever she went, people whispered about her. Her counselor spoke to her privately once, subtly advising her to be discreet. Yu Zhu didn't know how to explain, so she could only listen in silence. The counselor didn't want to go into too much detail, so she ended by saying, "There are many temptations in society; you need to learn to discern them yourself," and then said nothing more.

Yu Zhu didn't watch the video again. She couldn't control what others said or what was being shown on screen. The only things she could control were the pen in her hand, the work schedule, and the rows of numbers in the ledger.

Ji Yong would still message her occasionally, and sometimes he would come over with lemon tea and some food. At first, Yu Zhu could refuse, but as time went on, Ji Yong became friends with Liang Xia and Liu Zhengyang, and his "visits" were no longer just for her.

After finishing her last exam, Yu Zhu packed her stationery into her pencil case. Only when she relaxed her shoulders did she realize that her back was covered in sweat. Winter sweat cools down quickly and sticks uncomfortably to her underwear.

She had just reached the top of the stairs and turned on her phone when it vibrated.

Ji Yong's call popped up on the screen.

Yu Zhu stopped.

The stairs were full of students preparing for winter break, their shoes clattering down the concrete steps. Someone bumped into her shoulder, turned around and apologized, then was quickly swept away by the crowd. She walked to the window at the corner and answered the call.

"Have you finished the exam?" Ji Yong asked.

Yu Zhu said, "I just finished the exam."

There was a two-second silence on the other end of the phone.

Ji Yong was rarely this quiet. He usually spoke with a hint of a smile, and even when he wasn't talking about anything serious, you could still sense his carefree attitude. Today, he had packed up all his things and was speaking in a low voice.

"Zhuzhu, there's something I need to tell you."

Yu Zhu frowned.

"Grandpa Yue passed away the night before last," Ji Yong said. "I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would affect your exam."

Yu Zhu stood at the corner of the stairs, with the sound of students rushing down behind her and white mist forming on the windowpane in front of her.

The first thing that popped into her mind was the main room in the Qinling Mountains.

The earthen walls were cold and damp in winter. A dog barked at the door. Yu Dahai looked anxious and greedy. Liu Guizhen leaned against the stove, full of calculations. Old Master Yue sat in the center of the main room, his back straight, his old military coat hanging on the back of his chair, his cane resting on his leg. He looked vigorous then. Everyone else in the room was calculating, but he spoke as if issuing a judgment.

—You won't have to worry about the child's schooling, meals, or medical care in the future.

From that day on, she was no longer just Yu Pandi.

Yu Zhu wasn't particularly close to Old Master Yue. They didn't see each other often after she arrived at the Yue family home. But she knew in her heart that without the old man's approval, she wouldn't be able to leave that mountain village.

Through the receiver, Ji Yong said, "The day after tomorrow morning, at the memorial hall in Jingyuan Garden, Xishan. If you want to go, I'll come pick you up."

Yu Zhu opened her mouth, wanting to say yes, but her voice choked up.

"No rush," Ji Yong said gently. "Tell me on WeChat when you've made up your mind."

After hanging up the phone, Yu Zhu stood there for a long time. People squeezed past her, their sleeves brushing against the back of her hands, stirring up a gust of cold wind.

She moved her fingers, first opening WeChat settings and removing Yuejian Tetsu from the blacklist.

She clicked on it and typed in two words.

Sorrow.

She hovered her finger over the send button for a moment, then went back and deleted it.

Back in her rented room, Yu Zhu opened the closet and pulled out a black coat from the back. The coat had been lying around for a long time, yet the shoulder seams were still neat; it was a coat Aunt Wang had bought for her when she lived at the Yue family's house. The coat was expensive, and the sales assistant had packed it in the wrong size. She only realized it when she tried it on, but was too embarrassed to tell Aunt Wang, so she had never worn it. Now, standing in front of the mirror, it fit perfectly—everything was just right, a twist of fate.

On the morning of the memorial service, Ji Yong came downstairs to pick her up as promised, but he didn't drive the red car.

A black SUV was parked at the alley entrance, its body spotlessly clean, yet still conspicuous against the dusty alley. Seeing Yu Zhu approach, he tossed his black overcoat from the passenger seat to the back, smiling, "First time seeing you dressed so formally."

Yu Zhu forced a smile, nodded to Ji Yong, and got into the car.

The car drove out of the alley, the holly bushes by the roadside were covered in dust, and when it stopped at a red light, the bus next to it was packed with people, the windows covered with water vapor and handprints.

After a while, Ji Yong asked, "Are you nervous?"

Yu Zhu shook her head, then nodded, her hands resting on her knees gently gripping the edge of her coat.

Ji Yong glanced at her and smiled reassuringly, "Just follow me. Bow when you need to, offer flowers when you need to. No one will make things difficult for you."

Yu Zhu felt inexplicably at ease and replied softly, "Okay."

Moth

Xishan Jingyuan is located on a hillside in the suburbs. It is a standalone gray and white building with an exposed concrete style and a wide stone slab in front.

The car turned off the main road, which was lined with neatly trimmed pines and cypresses on both sides. The winter mountain scenery was thin, the vegetation was gray, but the stone steps and curbs were washed clean. The further we drove in, the fewer sounds there were, with only the rustling of the wind through the leaves.

After getting off the car, Yu Zhu followed Ji Yong inside. The distant city became a microcosm, and a cold wind blew down from the mountainside, carrying the astringent smell of pine and cypress branches and a faint scent of incense ash, which entered people's nostrils.

The Yue family's wreaths stretched from Shiping all the way to the entrance of the memorial hall, a dense mass of white chrysanthemums, their stark whiteness almost blinding. Staff in black suits stood at the entrance, quietly checking the names of the guests. People came and went, their leather shoes clattering on the floor, the sound muffled by the heavy carpet, creating a somber silence.

As soon as Yu Zhu entered, she saw Yue Jianche.

He stood on the steps at the far end of the auditorium, dressed in a dark black suit with a white flower pinned to his chest. His hair was shorter than when he'd last seen him at the entrance of LIMBO, with the stray hairs neatly swept back. His features were sharply defined, almost cold, without a single superfluous detail. Someone approached, shook his hand, and addressed him as "Mr. Yue," offering condolences. He bowed slightly, his voice gentle and measured in his reply. His assistant, holding a list, occasionally whispered something in his ear. He nodded, and the next guest was greeted.

There was no sign of grief on his face.

No matter how old the person is, they must slow down, lower their voice, and wait for his response when they approach him.

Yu Zhu stood by the door, her steps hesitant.

Ji Yong whispered from the side, "Just follow me."

Yu Zhu lowered her eyes and followed him to the registration area.

She had just finished writing her name when someone called her from behind.

"Pearls?"

Yu Zhu turned around.

Zhou Qiyu stood not far away, wearing a long black dress and a short black wool coat. Her makeup was light, her hair was tied up, and she wore only a pair of small pearl earrings. When she saw Yu Zhu, her eyes showed surprise at first, but quickly softened.

"I almost didn't recognize you." Zhou Qiyu approached, bringing with her a faint fragrance. "You've grown so much taller."

Yu Zhu called her, "Sister Nana."

Zhou Qiyu looked her up and down, his tone carrying a genuine sigh: "Girls change so much as they grow up, no wonder Ji Yong is always hanging around you."

After saying that, she looked at Ji Yong next to her with a mocking gaze.

Yu Zhu was a little embarrassed and didn't know how to respond, so she just said, "Long time no see."

"You have to be mindful of the occasion when you're joking," Ji Yong glanced at Zhou Qiyu, then asked, "Where are Uncle Zhou and Aunt Zhou?"

"On the plane." Zhou Qiyu didn't say much, then looked at Yu Zhu, "Let's have lunch together after this. Do you have any plans?"

"I took leave to come out," Yu Zhu said, lowering her head. "I have a part-time job to do later."

"Then another day," Zhou Qiyu said, not insisting. "No rush."

"Let's go offer the flowers first." Ji Yong reached out and patted Yu Zhu's back.

Yu Zhu nodded.

She followed Ji Yong into the mourning hall, the hem of her black coat brushing against her calves, as the surrounding sounds gradually faded into the distance.

A staff member handed her a white chrysanthemum. The stem was damp, and water droplets clung to her fingertips, feeling slightly cool to the touch.

The portrait of Grandpa Yue hangs in the center.

The person in the photo looked older than she remembered, with graying eyebrows and a serious expression. Yet, their eyes remained sharp, as if they could see right through her even through a black and white photograph.

Yu Zhu presented flowers and bowed deeply.

a bow.

Bow again.

When she lowered her head for the third time, her nose felt sore.

Looking up, through a patch of pale white flowers, Echizen Toru stood before the mourning hall, gazing at her.