Just because I wrote "Zhu Xian," the school beauty sent me razor blades.

The first day of the Lunar New Year marks the beginning of spring and the start of the new year.

In previous years, cinemas during the Spring Festival season have always been a "three-generation victim alliance":

The older generation was drowsy watching, the young people were scrolling through social media on their phones, and the children were too scared to make a sound by the dark special effects of the fight scenes.

But this year, cinemas have completely transformed into arenas for carnival.

In top-tier cinemas in Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen, crowds swelled to the brim, while in landmark theaters in third- and fourth-tier cities, entire families, young and old, flocked to the theaters. From the elderly to young children just starting school, everyone was holding popcorn, ready to have a blast during the Lunar New Year.

As the theater managers looked at the 99% occupancy rates soaring across the backstage area, their smiles were harder to suppress than an AK-47. They grabbed walkie-talkies and yelled from backstage:

"Schedule the screenings! Reduce the number of screenings for other films to make room for 'Flirting Scholar'! Breaking pre-sale records is nothing, Director Lin isn't just showing movies, he's pulling the entire Chinese-speaking world into a New Year's Eve market in theaters!"

The lights in the screening room went out, the dragon logo flashed, and the story began with a bang.

Just three minutes into the movie, veteran singer Zhang Jingsong, playing Zhu Zhishan, bursts through the door with a pitiful yet comical air: "Brother Tang, help me!"

Zhou Chen, who plays Tang Bohu, sits on a stone bench, speaking leisurely: "It seems Brother Zhu must have lost everything at the casino again."

Zhu Zhishan slapped his thigh, his face contorted with grief and despair: "My parents gave me life, but Brother Tang understands me best! This time, I've gone all in, losing my entire life's savings—a full 300,000 taels! Please, paint thirty paintings for me to save my life! If I don't get the paintings within three incense sticks' time, the gangsters will tear me to pieces!"

Tang Bohu snapped his folding fan shut and rolled his eyes to the heavens: "Three incense sticks? Humph! I'll write you a couplet for the funeral: 'Deserved to die,' or 'Deserves no pity.' You choose!"

The moment these sharply contrasting, sarcastic lines were uttered, the theater erupted in laughter. Zhou Chen's dashingly handsome face paired with his top-notch witty remarks created a truly hilarious comedic effect.

Immediately afterwards, Zhu Zhishan made the most vicious vow in history: "If I ever gamble again, I will make the ugliest woman in the world...until she is completely broken and on the verge of collapse!"

Tang Bohu gasped, his expression turning solemn with respect: "Wow! You can actually swear such a tragic oath? Fine, I'll check it for you again! Someone, bring the writing materials! — Enough talk, take off your clothes!"

On the big screen, veteran singer Zhang Jingsong was stripped completely naked.

Tang Bohu grabbed Zhu Zhishan and splashed a large bucket of ink all over him. He grabbed Zhu Zhishan by the neck to make a tree trunk, pressed his palms to make flower petals, and even rolled and rubbed Zhu Zhishan wildly on a huge sheet of Xuan paper.

Zhu Zhishan yelled in exasperation, "Are you trying to kill me?! What kind of trick is this?!"

Tang Bohu finished his painting with a flourish and exclaimed, "Magnificent, isn't it? This is called—'The Eagle Spreads Its Wings, Swallowing the World'! This painting is worth three hundred thousand taels of silver!"

Zhu Zhishan, his face filled with shock, leaned closer to look, rubbing his mouth full of ink as he exclaimed in amazement:

"Incredible skill! I'm truly impressed! The two dots on my chest became flowers, my palms became trees, my buttocks turned into stones, my front feet became clouds, and my hind feet became mountains... Hey, which part of my body did you use to draw that majestic eagle?"

Tang Bohu glanced sideways and muttered casually, "It's your little chicken that's being used."

Zhu Zhishan was overjoyed upon hearing this, puffed out his chest and raised his head, saying, "Indeed, it is vigorous and passionate, a truly vivid description!"

Tang Bohu's lips twitched: "...Wait! I was talking about that little worm! What do you mean by 'vigorous and passionate'?"

"Pfft, hahahahahaha!" The bursts of laughter in the screening room almost lifted the roof off. Two young men in the front row were laughing so hard that tears streamed down their faces, and popcorn was spilled all over the floor.

The veteran singer sacrificed his image and combined it with his top-notch ink-splashing skills, instantly pushing the viewing atmosphere to its first small climax.

The high-energy segments give no one a chance to breathe. The dynamic and catchy background music starts, and "The Four Talented Scholars' Show on the Bridge Meets Ru Hua" takes over.

Four talented men strode onto the bridge with the swagger of supermodels, drawing screams from the girls on the roadside.

Zhu Zhishan insisted that Tang Bohu demonstrate his art of seduction. Tang Bohu gracefully stepped forward, fanning himself, picked up a handkerchief that had fallen to the ground, and inhaled deeply, saying, "Miss..."

The "beautiful woman" slowly turned around—and it turned out to be a bizarre middle-aged man with a full beard, frantically picking his nose!

A rough, hoarse male voice blurted out, "What is it, young master?"

Tang Bohu's pupils dilated instantly, but he braced himself and stepped forward despite his brothers' cheers: "I'd like to borrow your shoulder, Miss."

Ru Hua: "How can this be! I'm a virgin!"

After Tang Bohu pulled out a tael of silver, Ru Hua instantly drew a gleaming dagger and robbed him on the spot: "Only a tael? What do you take me for! At least ten taels!"

Tang Bohu reacted quickly and kicked Ruhua into the river.

Just when everyone thought it was over, veteran singer Zhu Zhishan's eyes lit up as he looked at Ru Hua falling into the water. He unbuttoned his clothes and jumped into the water with a splash, excitedly shouting, "I love it! Wait for me!"

The audience in the theater were laughing so hard they were cramping: "Help! The words 'I like it' coming from the mouth of this veteran singer are just too powerful!"

The scene then shifts to outside the gates of Washington, D.C.

Tang Bohu, in order to get closer to Qiu Xiang, sold himself into servitude to bury his father. However, a pitiful man suddenly appeared, pushing a wooden cart and wailing, "I'm so miserable! I'm selling myself to bury my whole family! I have stage 10 tuberculosis, I'm practically giving myself away, please buy me!"

The little dog beside the man suddenly collapsed and died. The man held the dog's body and cried his heart out, "Wangcai! Wangcai! Wangcai, you can't die, Wangcai!"

Zhou Chen, playing Tang Bohu, narrowed his eyes and spotted a cockroach crawling on the ground. He shouted, "Watch out!" The cockroach was instantly crushed, and Tang Bohu leaped over, scooped it up, and wailed, "Xiaoqiang! Xiaoqiang, what happened to you, Xiaoqiang! Xiaoqiang, you can't die! We've been through thick and thin together for so many years, I've always raised you like my own flesh and blood, and now, I'm burying my own child!"

The man was stunned. Gritting his teeth, he rolled up his sleeves and broke both his own legs. He even grabbed a large wooden stick and smashed it against his head repeatedly until his head was bleeding profusely. He collapsed to the ground, spitting out his last breath before dying: "Who dares... to be more miserable than me!"

Tang Bohu, deeply saddened, clasped his hands in a fist salute before the corpse: "Brother, you're ruthless!"

The moment the names "Xiaoqiang" and "Wangcai" were mentioned, the whole audience burst into laughter. This nonsensical competition of misery had taken pranks to the extreme.

Meanwhile, in the Hua Mansion, Tang Bohu, in order to protect himself, picked up two wooden sticks and a broken bowl and started playing a percussion game while rapping rapidly: "Madam, I originally lived on the outskirts of Suzhou, with a house and fields, and my life was endlessly joyful..."

The dynamic rhythm, combined with the special effects that shocked Madam Hua and her four maids to the point of having their "hairstyles explode and flying through the air," gave the entire audience a thrilling experience.

The plot has progressed to the climax of the entire film, the couplet exchange.

Prince Ning led his men to the Hua residence to make things difficult. Then, the top scholar from seven provinces, known as "King of Couplets," Dui Chuanchang, suddenly appeared: "I am Dui Chuanchang, the top scholar from seven provinces and also a military advisor, nicknamed 'King of Couplets.' And you are?"

Tang Bohu said calmly, "I'm just a lost little bookworm in this mortal world, Hua An, who has only studied for two years."

The two slowly approached, and as they gazed deeply into each other's eyes, their lips unexpectedly met in a kiss! Everyone collapsed to the ground in shock, while Tang Bohu calmly wiped his mouth, saying, "I'm sorry, we just felt a connection and couldn't help ourselves."

The ensuing cultural exchange completely devolved into physical attacks:

To Chuanchang: "In the painting, the dragon doesn't roar, the tiger doesn't howl; how laughable is this little pageboy!"

Tang Bohu: "On the chessboard, the chariot has no wheels, the horse has no reins; a cry of 'Checkmate!' is heard, beware!"

Seeing that he couldn't gain any advantage, he became enraged and said, "All my thoughts are with you, my country, and my nation!"

Tang Bohu raised an eyebrow and smiled: "Eight eyes can appreciate this together—the flowers, the moon, and Qiu Xiang!"

Enraged, he snapped, "You're planting trees on your family's grave!"

Tang Bohu quickly replied, "Your bathtub is filled with mixed fish!"

He suppressed his rage at Chuan Chang: "Fish and fruit, ripe and ready to be devoured!"

Tang Bohu's killer move: "Your old mother will cook for you!"

The next second, the veteran actor playing Dui Chuanchang shuddered violently, tilted his head back and sprayed a spectacular fountain of blood towards the ceiling, then collapsed to the ground convulsing like a human fountain!

Tang Bohu solemnly clasped his hands in a gesture of respect and exclaimed, "Matching couplets is meant for amusement, but today Brother Chuanchang has actually vomited dozens of taels of blood while composing them! This is truly unprecedented and will never be repeated. I am deeply impressed!"

The screening room erupted in cheers and applause; the exhilarating intellectual duel left every audience member thoroughly entertained.

Subsequently, under the beautiful glow of a TV shopping channel, Madam Hua and Tang Bohu earnestly promoted "One-Day Death Powder" and "Smiling Half-Step Madness," accompanied by the hardcore action scene of the Overlord Spear breaking the Deadly Scholar's Sword, pushing the audience's emotions to the peak.

Two hours passed in the blink of an eye, and as the end credits rolled and the lights came on—

"Whoa—!!!!!"

The entire audience, young and old, spontaneously stood up and burst into thunderous applause and cheers!

An elderly father, wiping away tears of laughter, held his son's hand and said, "Great! I haven't laughed this heartily in a movie in years! This is the kind of Lunar New Year movie we should be watching on the first day of the Lunar New Year!"

Just one hour after the screening, major social media platforms and ticketing platforms were instantly overwhelmed by a massive flood of comments. Taopiaopiao gave it a 9.9 rating, Maoyan a 9.8 rating, and the topic trended at number one on social media.

"Take my advice, everyone: don't drink water before watching 'Flirting Scholar,' or you'll spray it all over the necks of the person in front of you!"

"Director Lin Yuan is amazing! Zhou Chen brought the nonsensical comedy to life, and the veteran singer completely let loose!"

"The box office has surpassed 500 million in a single day! My goodness, this is going to break the record for Chinese-language films!"

The news that the box office exceeded 500 million yuan in a single day was like a bombshell, instantly igniting the entire Chinese film industry.

At midnight, the headquarters building of Star Shine Entertainment was still brightly lit.

Chen Kao, a veteran director who once publicly criticized Lin Yuan in an interview for "making vulgar, bizarre, and bad movies that lowered the aesthetic standards of the Lunar New Year film season," was now staring intently at the real-time box office data on his computer screen.

With a market share of 68%, it completely overwhelmed all other commercial blockbusters released in the same period on its opening day!

"Impossible... Absolutely impossible!"

Chen Kao was so angry his hands were trembling, and hot soup from his teacup splashed all over his hands. "A bunch of brain-dead viewers! How could this kind of shallow, garbage joke full of 'Xiaoqiang' and 'Wangcai' possibly get 500 million at the box office? How come my epic production 'The Great Han Dynasty,' which cost 300 million to produce, only has 7% of screenings left?!"

The assistant sitting opposite him nervously handed over his phone: "Director Chen is trending all over the internet, and our movie is..."

Chen Kao snatched the phone; seven out of the top ten trending topics were related to "Flirting Scholar":

#Tang Bohu Points at Qiuxiang: 500 Million Yuan in a Single Day#

#The Laughing Half-Step Mad TV Shopping Guy#

#Who's more miserable than me?#

#Several ounces of blood spurted from the intestines#

Open any comment section and you'll see the entire internet buzzing with excitement:

[Director Chen Kao once said that Director Lin didn't understand cinematic aesthetics, but now, watching Chen Kao's "The Great Han Dynasty," the whole family slept like logs in the theater. It certainly has "depth"!]

[Help! After watching Tang Bohu, I now want to call my husky "Wangcai" (meaning "good fortune"), and I can't help but cry and shout "Xiaoqiang" (meaning "little strong") when I see cockroaches in the kitchen. Director Lin has really poisoned my mind!]

[Director Chen, stop being so sour. Lin Yuan is bringing joy back to the audience, while yours is just wasting the audience's money to send them to early childhood education classes! Come out and apologize for this nonsensical masterpiece!]

"Smack!" Chen Kao's face turned pale and then red. He slammed his phone down on the table, so angry that he couldn't catch his breath.

The next day, at Lin Yuan's studio.

Assistant Xiao Tang, her face flushed with excitement, rushed in carrying financial statements: "Director Lin! It's a hit! A complete hit! Maoyan predicts the total box office has already soared to 4.5 billion! Overseas Chinese cinemas in Southeast Asia and North America are also frantically ordering more copies!"

Zhou Chen, who was sitting on the sofa drinking water from his thermos, almost spat it out upon hearing this: "Four hundred and five billion? My God, Director Lin, when I turned down Director Chen's second male lead role to play Tang Bohu, everyone in the industry said I was crazy. Now they're probably green with envy!"

Zhang Jinsong, the veteran singer who plays Zhu Zhishan in the film and sacrifices his image, laughed heartily: "Hahaha! I've sung my whole life and never made it big, but in the end, I played Zhu Zhishan, who paints naked, and I've become a top internet sensation! Now young people call me 'Little Bug Brother,' it feels so good!"

Lin Yuan leaned back in his chair, a calm and composed smile playing on his lips.

As a time traveler, he was all too aware of the terrifying power of "Flirting Scholar" in the original timeline.

What is meant by "dimensional reduction attack"? In an era where everyone is still pretending to be profound and spouting grand principles, offering spiritual fast food with the purest and most extreme nonsensical comedy is the ultimate kill on all competitors!

"Director Lin, we just received news that the Film Bureau and the organizing committee of the Golden Rooster Awards for Chinese Films have sent an invitation to you to attend the opening ceremony as a guest."

Xiao Tang couldn't contain his excitement. "Furthermore, several investors who withdrew their investments are now kneeling down at the front desk, begging to see you, with several times the amount of the penalty for breach of contract and new investment contracts..."

Lin Yuan chuckled lightly and slammed his folding fan shut with a flourish: "They were resolute when they withdrew their investment, and now they want to profit? Tell them, no way. Lin's products are not open to inferior capital."