Just because I wrote "Zhu Xian," the school beauty sent me razor blades.

Amidst the watchful eyes of online critics and industry peers, the period sitcom "Longmen Express," written and directed by Lin Yuan and produced by Tianxing Entertainment, will officially premiere simultaneously on major video platforms tonight at 8 PM!

Previously, because Lin Yuan gave up a big-budget film production worth hundreds of millions to make a "common" comedy, the internet was already full of trolls and pessimists, and many of his peers were ready to watch the show with a cold smile, just waiting to see this "entertainment godfather" fall from grace.

However, as soon as 8 p.m. arrived, countless viewers, driven by curiosity, skepticism, or a desire to watch the spectacle, flooded the video platform.

Five minutes before the broadcast started, the live chat was already densely packed with comments that filled the entire screen!

"Here it comes! I want to see what kind of crap Lin Shen filmed!"

"A nonsensical period comedy? Are people still making this kind of overused, clichéd film these days? Get ready for a disaster!"

"Hates, hold your tongues! You think you can just jump into Lin Shen's trap like that? Let's wait and see!"

The main feature begins with a shot of the slightly dilapidated gate of the Longmen Escort Agency.

Several menacing debt collectors were taking turns attacking when Lu Qingcheng in the courtyard unleashed a powerful and domineering "Surging Waves," sending the man flying out of the gate with a bang. He crashed heavily onto the muddy ground and coughed up blood on the spot.

Beside the door frame, Bai Jingqi, with a blade of grass dangling from his mouth, skillfully etched a mark with a charcoal pencil, smacking his lips and muttering, "Another one broken."

Before everyone could catch their breath, another creditor, Gong Xiangzhao, strode forward, put his hands on his hips, and said fiercely, "I won't go back until I pay back the money," before plopping down on the threshold.

Qiu Yingluo and Sheng Qiuyue in the courtyard immediately brought out their homemade cannons and aimed them at him, shouting, "Human cannon, level one ready, level two ready!"

Facing the dark muzzle of the cannon, Gong Xiangzhao stubbornly maintained his composure, reciting in one breath famous quotes from his Chinese textbook, such as "What joy is there in living, what fear is there in dying?" and "A true hero dares to face the bleakness of life," forcibly putting on a heroic act of facing death without fear.

But the moment the fuse was lit and started to hiss and smoke, his eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. He turned and ran, scrambling and crawling out the door!

The incredibly smooth dramatic contrast at the beginning made the audience in front of the screen burst out laughing!

"Hahaha, holy crap! One second they were reciting a text, the next they were scrambling and crawling on the ground!"

"What joy is there in living, what fear is there in dying? The moment the fuse smokes, I'm the first to run! That's hilarious!"

"That big head of his plays the roles of stubbornness and cowardice so smoothly! The opening is high-energy!"

The scene shifts to outside the gate. Bai Jingqi, disguised as a peddler, tries to dissuade the debt collectors, but encounters Cai Badou, who is carrying an 800-tael debt note.

Bai Jingqi pointed to the dense markings on the door frame and listed the masters who had perished here: a master from the Kongtong Sect was knocked down by a single palm strike and retired from the martial world; a master from the Diancang Sect was kicked away before even entering the door; even the impulsive Taoist priest from Wudang and the nun from Emei Sect both returned to secular life in a fit of anger, and their child was already a month old!

Faced with Bai Jingqi's advice to "Is money more important or life more important?", Cai Badou roared out his famous line: "Life, if you lose it, you can get it back in the next life; but I can't earn money in this life, and I won't be at peace even if I die!" After saying that, he insisted on walking inside.

The comment section was flooded again:

"Hahaha! The impulsive Taoist priest and the nun who extinguished the lamp have left the monastic life, and their child is already a month old?! What kind of ingenious dialogue is this?!"

"Internal martial arts killed a tabby, external martial arts killed a golden retriever? So all the martial arts masters have run a pet shop and become butchers here?"

"'I'd rather die than not make money!' Holy crap, Brother Badou is a true working-class guy! Money is more important than life, it's outrageously true!"

The plot then moves to Cai Badou sneaking into the backyard and rescuing Lu Sanjin, the young owner of Ping An Bank, who was tied up, blindfolded, and gagged.

Having escaped, Lu Sanjing was about to unleash a torrent of curses, but a threat from Cai Badou instantly made him cower and soften: "Brother, give me a glimpse!"

During his self-introduction, he solemnly stated, "My surname is Lu, my given name is Xin, and my given name is Sanjin. Lu is the Lu of mainland China, and Ba is the Ba of Sanba," which prompted Cai Badou to blurt out "Lu Sanba" (a derogatory term for Lu the Third).

Lu Sanjin complained that the镖局 (escort agency) members had drugged him, telling him to "eat first, then sleep, then eat again when he wakes up." Faced with Cai Badou's blunt question, "Then you won't refuse to eat?", Lu Sanjin feigned distress and said, "Brother, I'm hungry!"

Lu Sanjin originally offered Cai Badou a large sum of money to escort him out of the city to report to the authorities, but Cai Badou calculated that if the escort agency was raided, his 800 taels debt would be completely invalidated.

Then, a dramatic reversal occurred. Cai Badou decisively changed his expression and swiftly tied Lu Sanjin back tightly to the water vat!

The live chat was instantly filled with laughter:

"Hahaha, 'Lu in mainland China, Ba in '38'! Lu Sanjin is hilarious!"

"'So you're not going to skip eating?' 'Bro, I'm starving!' — That's the dignity of the freeloader!"

"Cai Badou is a logical genius! The company can't go bankrupt, otherwise who will I collect my debts from, hahaha!"

That night, Gong Xiangzhao, covered in gunpowder, returned, brandishing a torch and shouting that they should all perish together.

The镖局 (escort agency) members readily pushed Lu Sanjin forward to take the blame. Lu Sanjin even politely praised them for their "contractual spirit." Upon learning that the镖局 was out of money, Gong Xiangzhao immediately knelt down, looked up to the sky, and wailed "Mother!" in preparation for setting the fire.

Lu Sanjin was so frightened that he shouted "I'll give it to you!" Gong Xiangzhao immediately put away his tragic expression, blew out the fuse in one breath, and calmly asked for eight hundred taels of silver.

When faced with Lu Sanjin's offer of installment payments, Gong Xiangzhao's firm "I do not accept mortgages" and his resolute attitude of reigniting the fire perfectly captured the image of a rigid, task-oriented grassroots worker!

"Pfft—the fuse was extinguished faster than a change of expression!"

"I don't accept mortgages! Good heavens! Hahahaha, holy crap, I can't laugh myself to death!"

"The dialogue in this back-and-forth battle is phenomenal! The rhythm and delivery of the lines are ridiculously strong!"

The final scene of the series, inside the lobby of the Longmen Escort Agency.

Lu Sanjing hired Lü Qingcheng and finalized the salary for the bodyguard: "two taels of silver per month, double pay at the end of the year, plus a 5% commission".

Bai Jingqi instantly flew into a rage, feeling that he was being treated unfairly, and shouted, "If they don't want me here, there are plenty of other places that will!"

Lu Sanjin calmly reassured her, immediately pulling out his workplace magic formula: "You'll be a bodyguard, but you'll get the treatment of a porter; Qingcheng will be a porter, but she'll get the treatment of a bodyguard. When you're out and about, listen to her, and she'll give you plenty of face."

Bai Jingqi's eyes lit up, and he slapped his thigh: "Face! That's exactly what I want—face!"

The entire internet was in stitches when they saw this:

"Holy crap! Lu Sanjin is such a master of workplace manipulation, haha!"

"Giving him face while cutting out the substance, Bai Jingqi is still smug! What working-class person could resist that!"

"The premiere of 'Longmen Express' was a resounding success! This show is phenomenal! Go, everyone online!"