Jobless Reincarnation: The King with a Mental Problem

It took me quite a while to play with little Aisha before I could calm her down again.

Once little Aisha was finally willing to cooperate, I took her to the courtyard and then used a magic scroll to drain her little bit of magic.

She thrashed about twice before collapsing into my arms, completely limp as if she had been wound up, with a trace of saliva still clinging to the corner of her mouth.

whee!

This is truly practicing magic tricks before learning to walk.

Actually, this is quite convenient, at least the sleep quality is quite good.

Just like me lately... I've been practicing martial arts until I fainted...

We might even have a father-daughter resemblance in this respect?

After I handed her over to Lilia, she glanced at me as she took her.

She opened her mouth but didn't say anything...

There's really not much to say between us...

The living room was empty.

The fire in the fireplace had long since burned to ashes, leaving only a few dark red embers flickering in the ash heap. Snow was falling outside the window, the fine snowflakes hitting the glass with a sound like fingernails lightly scratching paper.

I sat down on the sofa, sinking into that familiar indentation that I had sat in countless times.

He put the unfinished forbidden fruit back into his mouth and gnawed on it; it wasn't so hot anymore.

The coolness slid down the tip of my tongue, followed by a faint astringency, like the bitterness left on an apple peel that wasn't completely peeled.

This king has remembered the witch...

Thinking of her...

While we were eating roasted forbidden fruit by the sea...

After we finished eating, I watched her eat an apple with steam rising from her face, saying "It's alright," trying to appear calm...

Ha ha ha ha! ! !

Let's find a chance to draw it?

but......

How long ago was the last time I received a letter from her?

It's been almost a year, hasn't it?

I haven't heard from her for a year. In this past year, I've wanted to write to her many times, to know how she's doing, but I was worried that the crazy things I wrote in my last letter would scare her and Hilfi away, that they would think I'm too neurotic, that I would receive a cold response, and that even this last bit of hope would be lost.

"AUUUUOOOOOO!!!"

The lonely and isolated king let out a strange cry...

The sound bounced twice on the stone wall before falling back to my feet.

The last ember in the fireplace shattered, scattering a few scattered sparks, before going completely dark.

Just then, Lilia pushed open the door and came in.

She was holding a... letter...

Is it a witch's?

That's right, it's from the witch...

My hands were trembling when I received it.

Instead of opening the letter in front of her, he took it to his study and locked himself in.

I stared at that letter for a very long time before finally mustering the courage to tear open the wax seal.

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To the Lord of Shadows:

It is as if we are meeting in person. This letter is for your reference.

First, regarding the marriage you mentioned in your previous letter.

I was touched that Mrs. Senis agreed, but I solemnly declined!

Okay, let's get down to business.

You're always like this.

It's been a long, long time since the incident that you started to process your emotions.

He hid his wounds, waiting until everyone had gone far away before grieving over them alone.

You must have been very sad back then, am I right?

Don't rush to deny it.

If you deny it, I'll burst out laughing.

Rudy, that kid...

They wrote me a letter before.

He said something happened at home, but he couldn't explain exactly what happened. He guessed that Mr. Paul had done something bad, and then you suddenly had to go to the Land of the Sword Saint with Lilia.

Although Rudy may seem unreliable at times, he is actually very perceptive.

He didn't dare ask you, probably because he knew you didn't want to talk about it, and he also knew that when you don't want to talk, no one can pry your mouth open. So he came to ask me, to ask if I knew what had happened.

I was actually a little worried at the time, so I asked a few questions in my last letter...

As a result, you spilled everything...

I really only mentioned it briefly...

When you write a letter, can't you be a little...?

To paraphrase Hilfi, reading the letter her older brother wrote was more terrifying than facing a billion murderers...

In short, please imagine the expressions on my and Hilfi's faces when we read your letter.

But Hilfi still finished reading it, read it many, many times...

They even said you must be working very hard...

You said you understood Senis's selfless love.

I've thought about it for a long time, but I still don't know how to reply to you.

I was going to give you some advice—like not to carry everything on your own in the future, to talk more with the people around you, and not to hide important things in small places.

But then I realized that you probably wouldn't listen to what I was saying anyway.

But I still want to tell you that if you ever feel tired, you don't have to write those sentences that make people both angry and amused.

Hilfi and I thought about it for a long time. If we were in your position, would there be a better way to make everyone happy?

But to be honest, we don't know exactly what happened.

Even from an outsider's perspective, and putting yourself in their shoes, there's no guarantee the situation would be any better than it is now...

But at least the current outcome isn't the worst.

You have done everything you could to protect everyone—Mrs. Senis, Mr. Paul, Miss Lilia, and the little one you took in as a substitute.

You didn't let this family fall apart.

You have done a great job.

In the end, I didn't know whether I should feel sorry for you or scold you...

Hilfi is a very perceptive child.

Sometimes she seems a bit clueless, but she always manages to see things that others can't.

I didn't reply to her at the time because I was thinking—if only I could read minds, I could read your head full of secrets directly, saving you from writing a bunch of random things in your letter and leaving the most important sentence in the middle for me to search for forever.

Afterwards, Hilfi secretly watched it several more times.

I asked her what she was looking at, and she said she was looking for more of the words her older brother had hidden.

But I can roughly guess that you're scared, right?

I don't know what you're afraid of, but at least you don't have to be afraid that I'll hate you.

At least I wouldn't, and neither would Hilfi.

You also said that you are only her father in name only, but I know that you are the kind of person who is very serious once you make up your mind, so in her eyes you are her father.

He shouldered such a huge burden himself, refusing to let others help or share the load.

I know you must be very tired right now.

Unfortunately, we are too far away to be of much help...

But at least write us more letters.

I just ask you to write something more serious; your usual nonsensical remarks are already enough to make people suffer.

Don't always hide important things in a bunch of nonsense.

Hilfi said that if they met, she should give Aisha a big hug, be her godmother, and then she went to buy a gift for your daughter.

She also said that if Aisha wants to learn magic in the future, she will definitely teach her better than you, her half-baked father.

We will be staying in the Kingdom of Xilong for a while.

As you suggested, I should train my body and prepare for tackling the nearby maze.

So please write more letters and pour out all your random thoughts; we'll read them all, good or bad.

Don't worry about us finding it annoying; we're already used to your crazy antics.

Take care of yourself.

—In Search of the Forbidden Witch

Lokishi Migludia.

P.S.: You said you missed me at the end of your last letter. Don't write it in a corner anymore; it's not shameful to write it out.

P.S.: The drawing in the last letter was done by me.

PPPS: Why did you draw Aisha as a little penguin?

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The letter has been read.

I sat in my chair, stunned, for a long time.

The edges of the letter were already creased from being gripped so tightly, and the torchlight flickered.

After climbing back into my bed, I slowly exhaled...

I have received what I desired... the support from Loki...

Or rather...

Even though I did those foolish things and said those crazy things, they are still willing to understand my peace of mind...

Loki and Hilfi didn't just say it was nothing; they had seriously considered my situation and still chose to stand by my side.

The feedback from this feeling of being understood was stronger than expected.

That's wonderful...

This confirmation brought me a rare sense of peace, and I finally had the strength to face those questions and thoughts that had been weighing on my heart and that I had never dared to touch.

Ever since what happened to Eileen, I haven't been behaving myself...

I have so much to do, so many responsibilities weighing on my shoulders...

I constantly plan tasks for myself so that I don't have the energy to think about... certain ideas that might lead to bad conclusions...

The first urgent matter was the Great Relocation.

The time for the great relocation is drawing ever closer.

Based on the original timeline, at least six months should be allowed for a safe period to allow for the early transfer of Senis.

This matter keeps swirling in my mind every day, ticking away like a timer.

But what happens after the Great Transfer?

Every action I take can change the plot. Once the familiar story is completely distorted, my greatest intelligence advantage will be gone.

But I absolutely cannot allow those around me to be harmed.

A dilemma...

Ultimately, it's because we're not strong enough...

But this is not what I'm most worried about...

—Eileen still has a place where the gods descend

I almost killed her back then.

Because he spared her, Eileen, who survived, became a permanent threat.

To protect more people, I should kill her without hesitation.

However... another part of myself strongly denies this conclusion.

I had been avoiding examining this contradiction for a while, but now I finally have the courage and am willing to face it.

Eileen is intelligent, kind, gentle, and strong. She deserves to live in a better world. Or rather, she is the embodiment of my own longing for a "better world." That's why killing her is so strongly opposed by my own instincts.

But what are the true rules governing life?

It's about surviving.

Life needs to exist to create value; a sufficient number of lives are needed to create enough value; and more value allows more people to live better lives. According to this cold-blooded formula, killing Eileen, this potential threat, was the right thing to do.

But this raises another question: are all those beautiful things meaningless?

Logically, this is correct...

But my soul will never admit it!

Death is the end of everything. On a cosmic scale, everything eventually turns to nothingness. Does that mean everything is meaningless?

The meaning of life, I hope, lies in the process...

Life is finite, but knowing that everything will end, we still use our limited lives to repeat those beautiful things—is that what we call love and hope?

In this way, even if life ends, it can leave behind stories of love and hope for future generations to tell.

Without a doubt, this is the story I wanted.

Let's just call it being willful.

The consequences of allowing virtuous people to live will be borne by me.

All that matters is killing gods and men.

This was my idea at the time...

But I am too weak.

We are not yet capable of reaching that level.

Therefore, I need more power... power that can be used to protect those beautiful things.

But I'm so scared...

I know I am just an ordinary person, or even a mentally ill person.

Moreover, I am so afraid...

I fear I cannot bear this burden.

Just wanting to take care of the people you care about already requires all your efforts.

The responsibilities and pressures brought by Eileen are making it hard for me to breathe.

That's why I deliberately distanced myself from everyone, right?

They drove Izelti, Nina, and Kino away out of fear.

I'm afraid to include them in that list of people who need to be protected at all costs.

Therefore, I stopped caring what they thought, which is why the plan kept going wrong...

When I hurt Izelti and Nina, I did feel guilty, but I also felt a sliver of relief—at least this would sever their hopes for me, even if that relief was just wishful thinking...

Two paths lie before us.

On one hand, there's the pragmatic logic of prioritizing survival, making killing Eileen perhaps the simplest solution.

On the other side is the unwavering commitment to the values ​​of love and hope; this path is, of course, even more difficult.

If it were Emiya and his son... they would probably choose the first one, right?

But my instincts strongly deny it!

If we choose to escape because of difficulties, choose the easy option, or choose to hurt kind people... once this door is opened, it will slide endlessly.

If it is acceptable to sacrifice innocent people in order to eliminate gods and humans and save the world.

If this logic holds true, then...

Just how much will have to be sacrificed...?

Even if reason can convince you that doing so is the right thing to do.

but......

If I do that, I'll never be happy...

What I desire is a world where kind people can live happily...

Although I had said this to Rudy before, it was more like a slogan back then...

It sounds good and is correct, but it hasn't been truly tested.

This ideal originally stemmed from a better world, a better country, and better education...

That's the result of everyone being trained as a paladin.

That's just the instinct of collective unconscious education...

But it's so good that they realized that...

It's like turning on the lights in a dark basement...

I finally understand what this means...

This ideal...

Now it has become something that can be truly recognized and truly desired...

And this ideal is absolutely correct!

Does killing a kind person reduce the risk?

This is absolutely not the outcome I wanted!

This is the real test!

It's not about saying you're going to do good without knowing the consequences, but about choosing to do good even after knowing the consequences.

Even if that path is more dangerous and more difficult, even if I might pay a greater price in the future because of today's choice—I accept it.

This is my understanding!

It's so good that I can understand all this...

After figuring all this out, I finally felt calm...

The problem remains...

The hidden dangers remain...

I am still not strong enough.

But at least I don't have to worry about it anymore.

I am still that mentally ill person, still that ordinary person, still afraid of many things. But at least now I know what I'm afraid of, what I'm fighting for, and why I chose this path instead of another.

This confirmation itself is the most precious reward.

To be supported by a witch...

That's wonderful...

Following the Shadow Lord's wording, it should be—I rejoice!!!

[Author's ramblings]

The original outline was that the protagonist would kill Eileen.

This was the turning point that was originally planned to involve both humans and gods, as well as the protagonist.

The protagonist's mental state remained quite poor afterward...

Just like Kiritsugu in Fate killed his biological father, he was overwhelmed with guilt. Even though he did that, he only prevented a potential disaster and did not personally save anyone.

And the protagonist himself killed his beautiful aspirations.

The protagonist then begins to have a breakdown, becoming extremely cruel to the human traffickers and triggering Nina's PTSD. He is then helped by his friends and the swordsman Old Deng, which brings them closer together.

This also stabilized the protagonist's condition.

However, the guilt also constantly pressured the protagonist to do the right thing, otherwise wouldn't it be pointless to kill Eileen for nothing?

The original outline, which had been designed for a long time, was changed, so the changes in the protagonist of the second volume needed to be redesigned.

The stories about human love, truth, goodness, and beauty are indeed ideas that the author endorses.

As a result, the protagonist chose a more difficult path, and the pressure became greater. The original outline was only to solve psychological problems, but now the responsibility really fell on the protagonist's shoulders.

Therefore, the protagonist begins to treat himself like a machine, yearning to become stronger, while reducing in-depth interactions with other characters.

Even when communicating, the protagonist must first find a bunch of reasons for himself.

However, the outline of this revised second volume was rather rushed, and some changes regarding psychology and philosophy also need to be redesigned.

I don't know what you think of the current logic?

Some details about Nina and Kino's backstory are being kept secret; they don't want to reveal them too early.

At the same time, because the protagonist's first-person perspective doesn't involve careful consideration and doesn't involve immersing themselves in the characters' experiences, it has become what it is now, somewhat strange.

Let's finish their story when they meet again as adults.

With the development of the main characters now complete, the plot of Volume 2 is about to accelerate.