Flip the table and divide the family property! Take his wife and daughter into the mountains and eat

Early in the morning, the sun had just begun to peek out.

At the large well at the west end of the village, steam was rising.

This is the "intelligence center" of Kaoshantun, and also the "stage" for all the women in the village.

Matchmaker Wang got up very early today in order to clear herself of yesterday's "blind date mishap".

She didn't wash clothes; she just held a mallet in her hand and waved it around. Her posture didn't look like she was doing any work; it looked like she was banging a gavel.

"Hey, ladies."

Matchmaker Wang first let out a long sigh, then glanced around, a gesture known as "gathering the spirits."

Once everyone was looking over, she lowered her voice, her face filled with heartache and indignation:

"You guys were just watching the show yesterday, you didn't see anything interesting about it!"

"What's the trick?"

Aunt Guilan, who was standing next to me, was an excellent straight man. She immediately wiped her wet hands on her apron and leaned closer.

"So what if the third son pooped on the bed and made the girl vomit?"

"shallow!"

Matchmaker Wang slammed her matchstick against a stone and retorted with glaring eyes:

"The third brother's poop is just a little bit, it'll only stink for a while. Who is Liu Meilan? She's the daughter of the commune secretary! She's seen the world, would she vomit bile over a little bit of poop?"

"What's the reason?" the hooligan Li Ergou chimed in. "Is it because Zhao Lao Er is too ugly?"

"wrong!"

Matchmaker Wang held up one finger and shook it mysteriously:

"I can smell it! But it's not the smell of poop, nor the smell of urine."

"What does that taste like?" Everyone craned their necks.

Matchmaker Wang looked around as if guarding against spies before speaking in a voice that could only be heard by those in her circle:

"That's the smell of seafood that's gone bad and been sitting in a sauce vat for half a year!"

"That's the smell of rotten flesh oozing yellow fluid, fermenting inside cotton pants!"

"Alas--!"

A group of people around them all leaned back in unison, their faces full of disgust.

Aunt Guilan frowned: "Sister Wang, stop keeping me in suspense, what exactly happened?"

Seeing that the time was right, Matchmaker Wang began to "reveal the secret":

"Think carefully, what's wrong with Zhao Shanhai?"

"In the sweltering heat, over thirty degrees Celsius, we men are all shirtless, but him? His top button is fastened to his chin, and he's completely covered up in a long-sleeved shirt!"

"All the men in the village go to the river to bathe, but he never goes! He says he's afraid of getting dirty, but is he really afraid of getting dirty?"

Aunt Guilan slapped her thigh, suddenly realizing, "That's because they were afraid of being exposed!"

"Yes, indeed!" Matchmaker Wang slapped her thigh, spitting excitedly as she spoke.

"To cover up his shame! I heard from relatives in the commune that this kid is a 'street hustler' in the city, always hanging around in those back alleys where nobody cares. If you walk by the river long enough, you're bound to get your shoes wet eventually."

"This is a disease! What our elders call syphilis!"

"Oh my god!"

An uproar erupted in the crowd.

This is a bombshell.

Matchmaker Wang then began to use "logical reasoning" to confirm the rumor:

"Think back to yesterday! Why did Zhao Shanhai jump into the mud puddle? Why did he roll around in the mud?"

"Is that to extort money?"

"Isn't that right?" Li Ergou asked.

"That's bullshit!"

With an expression that seemed to say it all, Wang the matchmaker made a vigorous scratching motion:

"It's an itch! It's an excruciating itch!"

"My crotch was rotting, and I couldn't scratch it in front of people, so I could only sit on the ice! The cold helped to calm down that burning desire!"

boom!

This logic is perfect! Absolutely flawless!

Buttoning up your clothes = covering up something ugly.

Not taking a shower = afraid of being exposed.

Rolling around on your stomach relieves itching.

Aunt Guilan turned pale with fright and backed away repeatedly.

"My God, no wonder Zhao Shanhe insisted on separating the family property! And even wanted to leave with nothing!"

"We used to say Shanhe was foolish, but it turns out they were shrewd!"

"He must have known all along that this family had the virus in their blood! He was afraid of infecting his wife and children, which is why he ran away in the middle of the night!"

"Yes, yes, yes! Now that you mention it, it all makes perfect sense!"

Another elderly woman was so frightened that she threw away the laundry tub:

"Oh dear, this disease is contagious! I heard the poisonous gas can travel three miles on the wind! Anyone who lives near his house will be unlucky!"

Just then, the protagonist of this play—Zhao Shanhai—made his appearance.

He walked out of the alley with his briefcase tucked under his arm and his head down.

Because he hadn't slept well last night and was angry, his face was sallow and his eyes were dark, making him look like he had been completely drained.

To keep warm, he unconsciously hunched his neck and clenched his thighs as he walked.

His appearance caused the once bustling area around the well to fall into a deathly silence.

Dozens of eyes were fixed on him.

Zhao Shanhai felt uneasy under their gaze.

He forced a composed demeanor, coughed lightly with a stern face:

"Hey! What are you all doing here? What's all this commotion about?"

It's better if he doesn't open his mouth.

When he opened his mouth, Aunt Guilan, who was closest to him, screamed as if she had seen a plague. She dropped the basin and retreated while clutching her clothes.

"Get out of the way! He's detoxing!!"

With a whoosh!

The crowd that had been gathered around the well retreated to a distance of more than ten meters, as if they had seen Japanese soldiers entering a village, covering their mouths and noses with expressions of terror.

Zhao Shanhai stood frozen in place, the cold wind blowing into his collar, making him shiver.

Detox?

Who detoxified?

Just as he was bewildered, several teenagers suddenly darted out from the intersection ahead.

Leading the way was Li Ergou's son, "Gou Dan," who, along with a few mischievous boys about his age, blocked their path, laughing and joking.

These kids are at that age where even dogs would dislike them; they believe anything they hear.

When they saw Zhao Shanhai, they didn't run away, but lined up and began to perform impromptu.

"Second Uncle, Second Uncle!"

Dog Egg grinned and shouted, then suddenly covered his crotch with both hands, writhing like a maggot and letting out exaggerated, strange cries:

"Ouch...it's so itchy...why is it so itchy..."

Several children nearby immediately joined in, grabbing wildly in the air while making a fuss:

"Scratch it! Scratch it! It'll be terrible if it oozes yellow fluid!"

The action was a mixture of lewdness and innocence, vulgarity and absurdity.

It was exactly the "live version" that Wang the matchmaker had just described.

"Ha ha ha ha--!"

The old women by the well couldn't help but burst out laughing.

Aunt Guilan laughed so hard she slapped her thigh: "These little rascals, they really imitated them perfectly!"

Zhao Shanhai's face flushed red all the way to the roots of his neck, then turned deathly pale.

He finally understood what those women had been saying!

These people thought he had a dirty disease!

"You...you bunch of ill-mannered bastards!"

Zhao Shanhai trembled with rage, feeling a phantom pain and itch in his groin. He grabbed his briefcase, ready to strike.

"I'll teach you a lesson on behalf of your parents!"

"Hehehe—Rotten Crotch Zhao can't be hit!"

Dog Egg and his gang were as agile as monkeys; they scattered in a flash, running a few meters away before turning around, slapping their butts and making faces.

"Old Zhao, what a strange fellow! He's raising a chick in his crotch! The chick pecks, the chick squawks, and now that it's half rotten, nobody wants it!"

"ah!!!!"

Zhao Shanhai let out a scream of despair.

This is a public execution!

This is a humiliation that is even more painful than death!

He couldn't bear to stay any longer, so he covered his face, tucked his legs together, and rushed towards the village entrance like a rat crossing the street.

When we arrived at the village entrance, we ran into Old Wang starting up his hand tractor.

Thick black smoke billowed out; this was the only ride available to get to the county.

"Uncle Wang! Wait a minute!"

Zhao Shanhai, as if grasping at a straw, ran over, pulled a crumpled "Da Qianmen" cigarette from his pocket, and handed it over, trying to salvage some dignity:

"Could you give me a ride? I have urgent business at the commune."

Old Wang was squatting on the ground, tapping his pipe.

Upon seeing Zhao Shanhai, he didn't accept the cigarette, but slowly stood up.

Those cloudy old eyes, like X-rays, scanned Zhao Shanhai's somewhat worn crotch area for a full three seconds.

Then, Old Wang took a step to the side, as if afraid of getting some radioactive material on him.

"Mountains and seas."

Old Wang tucked his pipe into his waistband, his tone flat, yet exuding a cold indifference that kept people at a distance.

"Uncle, this car can't carry anyone today."

"Why can't it haul anything? I see the truck bed is empty!" Zhao Shanhai exclaimed anxiously.

"The truck bed is empty, but Uncle didn't check the almanac before he went out today."

Old Wang was cranking the tractor while spouting nonsense with a straight face:

"My car mat is made of cotton, which absorbs moisture. If you get pus or blood on it, I'll have to go home and get some alkali to burn it, which isn't worth it."

puff--!

Not far away by the roadside, several educated youths waiting for the bus couldn't help but burst out laughing.

Zhao Shanhai's hand froze in mid-air, and the good cigarette fell into the mud.

Old Wang gave a full explanation of this "crosstalk" performance in front of outsiders!

"Old Wang! You...you've gone too far!"

Old Wang floored the accelerator:

"Go ahead and sue. I'm a poor farmer, and I'm in the right. I won't transport those carrying disease; it's for the health of everyone in the county."

"But let me warn you, it's dozens of miles to the county. If your legs aren't strong enough, you might break them halfway there."

Thump thump thump—

The tractor spewed out a thick plume of black smoke, spraying it directly into Zhao Shanhai's face, before speeding away.

Zhao Shanhai stood there, his mouth full of the smell of diesel fuel and dust.

Just then, the village office's loudspeaker blared from behind.

After two crackling sounds of electricity, Grandpa Liu's loud, cheerful voice rang out, bringing this farce to an end:

"Hey! Hey! Attention, fellow commune members!"

"Comrade Zhao Shanhe from our village is hosting a banquet at noon today to celebrate the completion of his new house!"

"The braised pork intestines and braised pork belly were absolutely delicious! Everyone ate until their stomachs were empty!"

"This is a fine young man from our village! With an upright character, he has nothing to fear; only then can his life become increasingly prosperous!"

On one side is "stir-fried pork intestines".

On one side is "rotten crotch".

Zhao Shanhai stood in the wind and snow, listening to the laughter behind him and looking at the long snowy road ahead.

He felt that he had really messed up this time.

It stinks terribly.