Leave A Scar

Days came and went, time passed in between hands of cards and naps until the sun set and we settled down for the night in an inn. When two rooms were forced to one, Ed would always offer the bed to me, resorting to sleep on the couch. Al would usually stay up, pouring over Alchemy and theory books just as much as the lamplight poured onto him. 

It was a cycle I got used to. I found myself laughing more, able to fake higher pitches and bigger smiles. Able to stretch the silences on for another moment or two. 

Ed never noticed these pauses.

He stayed laughing or staring, a kind gaze that usually drifted down, that soft smile placed upon his face. 

I tried not to notice how a blush usually touched his face as well.

Sometimes a wall would break; a slight crack snapping into the structure. My own thoughts or Ed pulling up a childhood memory between the three of us was the source of the fracture. The memories, thankfully, were rare, and I was able to hide away in smiles and nods whenever they were mentioned.

Fragments of an old life.

There was a part of me that couldn't help but wonder... If he saw me in such kindness, such careful nostalgia, what did he think of me now? What did he consider me to be? 

It was an answer I knew all too well.

Nothing... that's all I was. An empty shell of a person. A fragment of who I used to be. 

No; not even a fragment. An inverted, microscopic cell of who I once was. A twisted smile of an avoided reflection.

I was the best liar I knew.

It was dark, early morning when it first happened. Ed and I were talking, him packing his suitcase and myself by the bathroom sink. Running the water over weak hands, wringing a cloth and flicking steam against porcelain. Heat against a normal temperature.

I wanted to burn. Always.

"—but then that damn dog bolted before we got anywhere!" Ed continued on with a laugh. I couldn't help but smile through my pain.

"Yeah, I remember that," I said, even though the turmoil, the rolling tension inside of my ċhėst and the piercing burn on my hands. I remembered being five again, hunting down an animal in play and not feeling like I would die internally. Not feeling like the world was constantly crashing down.

"You okay?"

I looked back to him, my heart in my throat.

I tried to grin. My hand twitched out, fingertips swishing towards him in motion. "I just heard the word 'dog' and thought it was that one Winry had. With the mechanical limbs!"

"Oh, Den?" Edward parroted. And he looked away, hand rising to his mouth, creating a thinking pose. He looked up from the floor, meeting my eyes. I put on my best mask--my biggest grin.

Finally after a moment, the bottom of his eyes curved.

"Yeah, that damn dog couldn't have gotten anywhere without automail! Goes to show how useful it is!""

I nodded, and continued to tend to myself in the mirror. Waiting for Ed to say something, but a few minutes later, I had bȧrėly heard anything at all. I drew away from the sink, wiping at my face with the washcloth. "You okay?" I wanted to ask, but my breath caught in my throat. Ed remained standing, hunched over. I couldn't see his face; only the six braids that waterfalled down the center of his back. But I could hear his voice, words spoken so low they were nearly foreign.

"I've... Been thinking..." he said.

I took a step back, eyes never leaving him.

"About what?" I asked.

"What if I was wrong," he began, "about there being an equal or opposite reaction to everything?"

I stayed silent, stunned by the question. And, like always, I was helpless as I listened to Ed speak again.

"Then what do we do?" he asked me. His voice came in shakes, his body hunched as his back remained facing me. His hands rose to his hair. "What do we do? What do we do?"

He was trying to breathe. Still trying to keep that composure. "What do we do? We can't... We can't keep searching for this... It's a dead end... It's so far past a dead end..."

I felt my own panic begin to take away the air from my lungs. My eyes stayed on him, stayed on all those scars along his back and arms. I didn't know... I didn't know the answer to any of his questions. He kept asking me, voice incredibly weak. Coming out as nothing but a dim whisper.

"What do we do?"

He pulled in a breath from his lungs like he was gasping for air. I stepped forward, still trying to find my own mind again. Trying to find an answer for all those questions.

"Ed..."

My hand reached out, fingers gently resting on his shoulder. He relaxed a bit, calming down just enough for me to feel the tension in his muscles begin to give way. I held him a little tighter.

I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what I could offer. I just stepped forward again, feeling that ache in my gut as I wrapped my arms around him. I bowed my forehead against the nook of his shoulder, feeling the heat of his skin rise a bit. 

It'll be okay. That's what I told him, spoken through the silence with each passing second. It'll be okay.

He just stood there. Eventually, his breath began stabilizing. I timed my own with his, feeling his heart beat against the inside of my forearm. Feeling my own heart eventually synchronize with his. 

"It'll be okay..." I said.

He let out another breath, a deeper one that still matched the ending of mine. Slowly, gradually, he moved his hand. I kept my eyes closed, feeling the soft skin of his palm brush against the back of the hand I had on his ċhėst. The curves of his hand, the harder muscles that below the thumb and pinkie, were the first to touch me. Very light, feather-weight. His hand flattened just a little, those curves of his palm beginning spread a bit wider as his fingertips touched the nails of my fingers. Again, just resting on the surface.

I wanted to tell him he didn't have to be so cautious like this... I wanted him to hold my hand...

The familiar sound of armor stomping came to our door. Ed broke away instantly, his braid whipping at the force of his step the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. 

I felt my heart break.

"Brother?" Al's voice, from beyond the door.

I watched Ed as he replied, attention dropping down to the coat he'd set out on his bed. He picked it up, holding it with one hand as he spoke.

"Y-Yeah, Al? What's up?"

"The train's about to leave..." Al replied.

"Yeah." Ed's voice cracked a bit but he raised a fist to his mouth, clearing his throat. His arms slid through his coat, eyes staring at the floor to avoid looking into mine. "I'll be right out, Al. We'll get going soon."

Al's voice came a moment later, asking if I was in there as well.

Ed nodded, eyes shut tight as he made a sound in the back of his throat. "Yep, yeah she is. We'll be out soon."

"Okay..."

I heard Al step away from the door, his hollow feet uncertain as they grew further away.

Ed pulled on his glove, clenching his hand into a fist. He breathed out through his nose, and I saw his posture straighten. Rebuilding that wall that had almost broken down... 

"Let's get going..."

I didn't miss the small waver at the end of his voice.

When we had begun to settle down for the night, when Al had left Ed and I to our room and poured through books illuminated by lamplight... That's when it all happened...

I had just stepped out of my shower, nightwear hugging to the wet parts of my body, hairdryer whirring in my ear.

I bȧrėly heard how the suitcase crashed against the floor, Ed's scream accompanying it.

I stopped the hairdryer, his shout still ringing in my ears.

"ALRIGHT, FINE!"

And, for a moment, my brain felt a connection. Two pieces of puzzle lining up.

But with Ed's heavy breathing, with that phrase he'd shouted, with the contents of his suitcase sprawled onto the floor, boxers and manuscripts and all...

I took a single step forward, something to offset the shaking of my leg. Had I... finally found someone? Had I finally found a match?

"Ed...?"

With wild, crazed eyes, he turned to look at me. Frown trembling, teeth exposed and lip quivering. Hair distressed.

"I'm fine," he told me, the sound of my name trying for strength. And for a moment, I found a step on a stone staircase. Lifting me a little higher, a little more taller.

He began gathering his things. Shorts here, papers there, matches that had thankfully kept inside their case.

"Are... are you sure?" These words practically died on my lips. Spoken as Al called out to his brother, wanting reassurance.

I couldn't blame him. I was wanting reassurance all the time; some confirmation of my own sanity...

I never got answers.

We settled down for the night, shortly after Ed packed his suitcase again. Assuring all of us in a hushed voice that he was fine; just fatigued, that was all. But that sudden burst, like he was trying to ward demons away...

Like he was shouting at something, someone that wasn't there.

It was like he was fighting some demon within himself...

Or maybe I was just projecting again. Maybe there really was nothing wrong...

I went in circles until my head hurt. Another cycle was forming, me chasing after answers that wouldn't come. Resulting me asking more questions, chasing once again.

It was another labyrinth, another maze I didn't dare walk towards.

It felt like both feet were trapped, biting my ankles, refusing to give me any type of movement. It was as if I could only stand, feet bleeding, and watch it all unfold.