Leave A Scar

I noticed his movements somewhere in the space between consciousness and sleep. I noticed how his feet dragged, how his automail caught morning light. I noticed a strip of rust by his shoulder. And for a moment, I felt his energy.

"Ed..." My voice was groggy, my arm pushing away from the mattress and pushing me upright.

He turned around, looking at me with those big gold eyes.

"Yeah?" he asked. "What's up?"

I hesitated. Then I remembered how he was before... That solemnness, that depression-like silence.

"I..." I pushed back the emotions, the ones that were trying to break my voice down. "Have you been okay? Lately?"

He rose one eyebrow, one hand still in his pocket. "Uh, yeah." He quirked his head to the side. "Have you been okay?"

I had been so worried and so focused on him that I think I took the distraction and laughed. I didn't have time to cover my mouth, resulting in... Well...

Ed grinned, genuinely, characteristically wide.

"I got you to actually laugh," he said, echoing my small amusement. "Finally."

I blushed, my smile still there as I looked away. My hand rose to my mouth a little bit too late, and I gently pressed the side of my half-curled finger to my lips. Kept my stare to the corner of his bed, mostly hidden by the nightstand between our beds.

"You sure you're alright?" I asked again, meeting his stare.

He looked away this time. I couldn't see his eyes; his bangs covered that portion of his face. But I did see his shoulders shrug, the action quick and careless.

"Yeah," he answered. He grinned again, taking a moment before turning his smile to me. One that bȧrėly reached his eyes. "I'm fine; nothin' I can't handle."

I thought of when he was blind; when Al had asked if he could see, and Ed just responded with a grin.

"Nothin' I can't handle! I'll be back in no time, Al, just you wait!"

What was going on...? What was he trying to come back from this time?

Ed spoke my name, pulling me out of my thoughts.

He shook his head, still very soft with the motion. "You worry way too much." He grinned again, and this time his eyes curved with it. "Everything couldn't be better right now. You have my word on that."

I... I didn't know what to say. Did he really mean right now? Just us in the room? Even when he and Al didn't have their bodies back?

"You sure?" I returned.

He nodded. "Promise."

I blushed at this, cheeks tinting and my mouth pressing in a thinner line. I... I guess I just didn't want to smile. I was focusing on fighting back those buŧŧerflies in my gut.

"You worry too much," Edward said, pulling on his coat, adjusting the front of it in quick, careless flaps. The words drifted from him, half-sung as his brows raised. He grinned when I looked up to meet his eyes, and then I watched him start passed me, hand beckoning in a wave.

"C'mon," he said, heading towards the doorway as his gloves were slipped on, "We got a train to catch."

I hesitantly followed him out.

At the sound of his voice, I looked up from my book, blinking tired eyes at a smiling face.

He leaned forward, knuckle coming to rub fatigue from the corner of his inner-eye. "You want me to order?"

I knew what he was talking about. Room service. And... I just didn't want to be cooped up in another hotel room. Between train rides, libraries, and rooms like this, outside was more than just a breath of fresh air. I almost grinned at my own joke, noticing how one part of Ed's lips twitched upwards. He looked up, away from my mouth, meeting my eyes with a small blush.

I instantly shook my head, wanting to push the spotlight off of me. "N-no, I'm..." I tried to grin. "Not really feeling like room service... If that's okay..."

I instantly regretted the sounds my voice had made. Like a lion had just jumped out of my stomach and ripped my tongue off. Words I shouldn't have said. Ones I should have instantly retracted.

But Ed was already standing up, rolling his neck in a circle as his hands came to his pockets. "Yeah, that sounds good. Anything particular in mind?"

I shook my head, standing as Al spoke, replying to something Ed had said. I just stared at the elder Alchemist, trying to see behind perfectly tiredless eyes.

My ears perked up at Al's suggestion of staying here. Of only Ed and I going together.

Ed blinked. "Are... You sure about that, Al?"

The younger Alchemist nodded, smiling as he continued to hold the book. "Yeah!" He motioned to the book in his hands. "I got a lot of reading to catch up on, anyway."

"Um." Ed turned away, pivoting, but I caught sight of a huge grin on his face. He laughed a little bit, head ducking as his hands came to his pockets. "Okay. Yeah, sure." He started walking to the front door, bending back just enough to grin at me. "Looks like it's just us. What'd'you feel like having?"

"It's up to you," I replied, shaking my head. I tried to keep the heat off my face, tried not to notice how Ed's was growing a bit rosy as well.

Ed straightened, spinning on his heel to open the door and lean against it, allowing me to walk through.

"Don't pawn it off on me," he said as he did this, and I matched his grin with a small smile. "Really, tell me what you feel like having."

I held up a hand. "I told you, it doesn't matter! As long as I'm paying for it, right?"

His smile broke, and I grinned wide. He tsked, turning away to say goodbye to Al.

"Have fun!" Al chimed, and I leaned over enough to see his waving arm.

I smiled back at him, my knuckles coming to curl against my lips, ready to suppress a laugh that never came to surface. "We'll see you in a bit, Al!"

Ed nodded, and I noticed a quiet smile grow on his face. His eyes dipped to the floor, a layer of pink touching his cheeks.

He suddenly caught me staring, and before his head had turned towards me completely, I looked away. Holding my hands in front of my skirt, pretending there was something much more interesting on the ceiling nearby.

His footsteps sounded, the door swinging shut. I looked to him again, trying to fight back the blush that came to me when I saw that soft smile break into a light grin, one hand coming out of his pocket to tug on the shoulder of my sweater.

"C'mon," he said as he passed by. "I've got a dinner to buy you."

Once again, heat swam to my face. I hurried to match his pace, seeing him glance over and smile a little at the quick scampering movement I made to catch up to him. I blushed a little more, nervously searching the floor like that would tell me what conversation topic to bring up. I shifted the hand holding my bag's strap, briefly curling and uncurling my fingers; part of my brain wondering if that banter before was just for Al. It was rare that Al wasn't with us, so maybe the silence now was just inevitable; maybe it's awkward and horrible because Ed just can't stand being alone with me. Why did he even agree—

He grinned, the smile curving his voice. "You were about to pass right by. Did you wanna take the stairs instead?"

I glanced over at the control panel beside him, seeing the bottom arrow already lit up. I quickly shook my head, shifting my weight to one leg. Bringing my hands to the front of my skirt. "N-no," I said, and tried to smile a little. "Sorry. Just got wrapped up in my own thoughts again!"

He nodded like he understood exactly what kind of nonsense just came out of my mouth, and the soft smile on his face didn't let up. His stare, however, did drop near his feet, and I was glad that a few ounces of pressure lifted off of me. I sighed quietly, trying not to draw any attention to myself. I had to focus; I couldn't slip...

My heart kickstarted into a faster pace as one elevator dinged open. Ed laughed enough for his head to tilt back, grinning wide as he picked himself off the wall. I tried to grin with him, quickly following the Alchemist into the elevator.

"What in the heck has you so skittish?" he asked, tapping the bottom floor with a knuckle before leaning against the elevator's support rail. Both elbows resting, legs out and heels supporting his weight. Absolutely casual, like I should be right now.

I did the smartest thing I could think of and shook my head again, looking down at the floor. "I'm fine," I replied quietly. "Think it's just been a long day."

He hummed, nodding as his eyes closed. They stayed shut, and a light sigh accompanied his voice as he spoke again.

"That's an understatement..."

I didn't know what to say to that; I forced myself not to get swept up in my own mental abyss. So I balanced there, in between feigning cheerfulness and taking another lungful of my own poisonous oxygen.

"But it's good we're here now, right? Another day alive."

The elevator glided to a stop, and the doors opened with another light ding. A sound that meant we were supposed to move, but Ed was still waiting for my response.

He pushed himself off the rail, straightening to his full height. Continuing to look directly at me, still waiting for a response.

"Y-yes!" I replied, smiling enough for my eyes to curve. And I was thankful not to see that gold for a moment or two. "You're absolutely right."

An awful response, but it was the best I could do. I still felt my heart beating against my ċhėst, and I forced myself to try and act calm. Casual. Normal.

"C'mon." Ed was striding out of the elevator, soft voice lingering beside me for a moment or two. I watched him take a few steps into the lobby area before he turned around, hands in his pockets again. He grinned wide, like a little kid. "What? You don't expect me to just pay for my own dinner, do you?"

I smiled, finding that I couldn't help but grin at his question. Finding that it felt genuine as well. He waited as I walked to him again, turning only when I was just about to pass by. We walked together, and finally I responded.

"You're not paying for this one," I said, playfully dipping my weight towards him, ducking a little with my hands behind my back.

"Mm." His eyes were closed, head down a little. "No, I definitely am."

I pretended to get a little angry, hearing him laugh and trying to fight down another grin. I couldn't, and I think the sight of a smile on my face was what kept him grinning for the next few moments. I quickly shook this thought away, attention perking back as Ed's arm came in front of me, quickly pushing open the door before I could. A burst of cold air blew in, and my eyes squinted a little bit as I moved to the outside, quietly thanking Ed.

"Yeah, sure!" he replied, and part of my mouth perked up, hearing that grin still in his voice.

A few steps was all it took for my bones to chill. I kept walking, bringing my hands up to my mouth, huffing a warm breath against them before threading my fingers together. Like I could keep save that warmth.

"You cold?" Ed was already moving to take off his coat. "Here—"

I stopped him, putting my hands on his forearm. The solidness of his automail just reminding me of why he couldn't expose it.

I tried to grin. "Don't worry about it! You should probably keep yourself covered!"

He rolled his eyes, coat already slipping from his shoulders. Exposing the strap of his tank top and the start of his automail. Scars and all.

When I denied again, when I gave a protest with just his name, he spoke again. Drawing out my name through gritted teeth. He jerked the coat out to me. "Take the coat, or I'm going back inside and getting that blanket."

My face dropped. He... Wouldn't...

But the sinister grin and that flash in his eye told me he very well would make me wear that giant red blanket to whatever place we were eating at. And there was absolutely no way I was stepping inside anywhere with that thick bundle wrapped around me.

With my face burning in embarrassment, I picked his coat up, seeing the way his fingers daintily let go of the fabric they were pinching. His grin only increased, becoming incredibly sweet as I pulled the coat over my shoulders (on). A smile wanted to perk my lips up, but a thought suddenly wiped the feeling away. Dammit, I should've bargained with him! I'd wear his coat if I got to pick the restaurant we would eat at!

I sighed to myself, and the belated idea washed away without ever being spoken.

Ed straightened, hands coming to his pockets. "Warmer, right?" he asked as we started walking again.

I brought my hand to the front of the coat, pinching it together as I smiled, looking down and away. "Yeah, alright. It is warmer."

He grinned, triumphant, and suddenly his steps stopped. Agitation captured his features. "You're not even wearing it right!"

I faked a grin, and suddenly he was right behind me, picking the coat up by the front and holding it a few inches above. Silently beckoning my arms to slip through the sleeves. I did so, listening to him talk over my shoulder. Asking "who taught you how to dress" and how it was a miracle I get my shoes on the right foot every day. Playful comments, and they were enough to get a laugh out of me.

"Ah, don't even get me started on that laugh!" Ed continued, striding beside me again. I grinned, smiling so wide I couldn't cover it completely with my hand. He was speaking so loud, too! Someone might hear him! "Who laughs like that?! Who actually, consistently laughs like that?! You figure our scores would be at least even by now, but no—it's about one to four-hundred!"

"There's no way it's four-hundred!" I exclaimed, instantly bringing my hand back to my grinning lips, keeping in the laugh wanting to sound.

"Sure as heck feels like it!"

I curled my hand into a fist, resolving that I couldn't add another tally to his score. Once was bad enough. I was surprised my wall didn't collapse completely when that happened, but maybe I had just been too worried about him to pay any mind to myself.

Ed suddenly stopped walking, staring at something above us. "Hey this looks like a good place to eat."

I followed his stare, instantly looking up at the building and instantly knowing it was way out of my price range.

"We're not even dressed for this place!" I tried to grin, positioning my foot to step back.

Ed continued to stare, shoulders shrugging and lips keeping that same soft smile.

"That's never stopped us before," he said, smile breaking into a grin.

I blushed, trying to look away. But my stare swept up to the restaurant again, gut sinking at the classiness of it all; the curvature of the building, reflective windows, the lights threaded through the balcony (rails on the second) floor.

This was definitely way out of our price range.

But that didn't stop Ed from holding the door open for me as we ventured inside. Walking in on custom-made shoes and elevator boots. Making him so much taller than me...

My brain came back to me as we were sitting down, both of us silently pouring over the one-paged menu. This was even pricier than the restaurant in Dublith...

"—anything to drink?"

"A bottle of chardonnay." Ed flipped his menu over, searching for a backside. I copied him, bȧrėly bending the menu to see behind the page. Nothing but a blank sheet.

And then, with an order of water from me, we ordered. Dinner, that is.

And just like before, he rattled off half the menu, but the prices had me glowering. Dammit; he was ordering expensive stuff on purpose!!

When that question was turned to me, I paused, tongue hovering over lobster or a side. Ed caught the hesitation, and waved a hand.

"Don't worry about the cost; the bill's already been decided."

So I didn't worry, and gave the waiter my order.

When he left, I sighed, seeing Ed smile at me from across the table. My gaze lifted back to his face, and instantly his stare dropped away, the soft curve of his lips falling into a flat line. Gloved fingers quietly tapping against the table, falling one by one in a quick line.

Dinner past by like the light breeze that blew through me. The restaurant's second floor was a bit crowded, but I never really heard the noise. It felt like we were the only two people there, at times. The only two people occupying the outdoor balcony.

I didn't notice the stars until Ed's gaze stayed above my head.

I turned, following his warm gaze. And then I heard his voice, a smile curving his words.

"I almost forgot about these." At my silence, he drew back, clarifying. "Stars, that is. It's been a long time."

At the dark sky around us, I could only think of that hospital. That rooftop.

"Orion's belt is behind you, if you'd like to look."

The smoothness of his voice... It was just as infectious as the wine we'd split.

So, I turned, and with his voice as the background, I stared at the hundreds of stars ahead of me.

"Al and I used to look at these all the time, back in Resembool, when we were little. Still do, sometimes..."

I smiled as I turned back to him, the expression coming in a way that seemed so easy. So genuine. "Does he know as many as you?"

Ed nodded, an equally small smile on his face. He shifted his silverware, reordering it, turning a fork horizontally. "Yeah. A little more than me, probably. Given how much he reads and all."

I returned his nod, and a small cluster of stars in the sky caught my eye. I felt drawn to it for some reason, and I lightly pointed a finger towards it.

"What about that one, to the right of the moon?" I asked. "Is that one anything?"

Ed turned to where I was pointing, and from the corner of my vision, I saw him nod again.

"Yeah. That's Xifri."

"And what's that one mean?" The words drifted from me; I was in a state of absolute bliss. Something about being here with the wind, listening to his voice. Connecting soothing words into stories and meanings. Riding along the slight, wonderful buzz of alcohol. I felt absolutely content, for the first time in a while.

When I didn't hear Ed's reply, I finally looked away from the sky. My stare swept over to him, and the smile that was on my face flatlined again. His eyes had dropped near his empty plate, his face a little bit red.

"That one signifies love," he murmured, looking away a little more. "A pact between lovers, actually. An unspoken contract to never stray too far away from each other."

"That's..." Beautiful. I wanted to say it, but my tongue suddenly stopped responding to my thoughts. I noticed he glanced up, hair hiding half of one eye and most of another. But that half of one gold eye met mine, and the smallest of smiles curved one side of his lips.

An incredible warmth cascaded into my stomach; a feeling I couldn't explain. I looked away, focusing on regaining my breath. Mindful, quiet pulls of air into my lungs, through my nose. I could do that. I could focus on that.

The soft flick of paper being set down brought my focus to the table. I stared at the thick wad of money (Seeing Ed's pointer finger leave the bottom of the stack, the thick wad of money.) Much more than usual.

"Don't let me see the bill..." I said quietly, still a little stunned.

"I won't," Ed replied, grinning wide again. He laughed, adding, "You'd probably pass out if you saw it!"

I twitched my mouth into something of a smile. Ha-ha, very funny, Ed...

He was quiet, on the walk back. Still exposed, still revealing that automail he would be hiding, if it wasn't for my foolishness. I thought about those scales, and how off-balance they were.

I just... it wasn't anything I could do, comforting.

Tears rose, threatening to spill over the surface. My hand balled, pretending to scrape up dining cloth and pull silverware towards me. Tools I could use on myself, new elements of torture.

I could, though the outcome would only bring more pain to him.

So I didn't think anymore. I stayed where I was, and almost immediately our hotel room was being unlocked. Al. Another distraction.

Another way out.

"Thank you." And my mouth stopped Ed from opening the door fully.

The words were so hard for me to say, but they came out fairly smooth.

Ed's face grew a deep crimson before he smiled, those golden eyes curving.

"Y-yeah," he said, raising a hand to the back of his hair. "Of course."

That voice of his paused, stuttering for a moment before his hand motioned for me to step inside. I caught sight of his face getting even more heated as I walked through the door, trying to force back my own blush as Al's voice greeted us.

"So, how was it?"

Ed flopped onto the couch. "Food wasn't bad, but it's nothing worthy of your list, Al."

Al just giggled a little. Almost like Ed hasn't answered his question.

I pretended not to notice.

"I think I'm going to head to bed."

"Alright." I could hear the small grin in Ed's voice, even if I couldn't see his face. "G'night."

"Good night," I returned. I stood there for an extra moment, wanting to thank him again. But I decided against it, those thoughts coming to me. What would I be thanking him for? A night of babysitting?

I turned to Al, giving my best smile. "Good night, Al. Wake me up if you find anything, okay?"

Al smiled right back at me, nodding. "Sure!"

It was then that I retired to that dark bedroom, door closing behind me and shrinking away the light.

Shrouded in darkness, I began brushing my teeth, taking an incredible amount of caution to not notice any part of myself in the mirror. Even seeing a hint of skin or my hair or a glimpse of my clothing could result in a wall completely collapsing. And those took a while to build up.

I stopped the routine when I heard the sound of a fridge door swinging open. I straightened, clamping the head of the toothbrush between my teeth before pulling it out.

There... Was no way...

After spitting in the sink and rinsing my mouth out, I padded to the door. I opened it again, just as Ed was standing up from getting food out of the fridge. He looked up at me, arms filled with a package of bread and a link of sausages. Ingredients to make a sandwich.

"You..." I met his stare again, almost at a loss for words. "You can't really be hungry still..."

He grinned wide. "You want me to fix you up something?"

I shook my head. "I just brushed my teeth. And I'm not hungry at all."

With a small smile of his own, Ed made a sound in the back of his throat. He took a few steps, reaching the counter and setting the ingredients down.

"Maybe tomorrow then."

I felt my stomach flip just a little, my brain wanting to tell him that I'd like that. But I couldn't get the words out, and soon decided it was much better to just be quiet.

I slid my foot back, further into the bedroom.

"Good night."

Ed grinned at me. "Yeah," he said, and his voice wasn't mean in the slightest as we said goodbyes again. "Good night."

I just nodded, and after another moment of lingering, after another moment of Ed's soft smile, I retired to the room's only bedroom.

I escaped, just like I always do. The darkness was a comfort, however slight. I breathed easier, air drifting from between my cracked lips.

I could hide. I could run as far as possible, and I knew he would catch up. Run directly beside me, even jogging backwards if dėsɨrėd.

I could hide, and I knew Ed would be right beside me.

I could hide all I wanted to, and Ed would eventually peel back that mask, see all the stitches and burns and scars inside.

I knew I would show him that, eventually.

The realization, the voice that told me that... It hurt more than anything.