Leave A Scar

I woke up a few minutes before he did. My thoughts stayed relatively blank; just trying to focus on controlling that side of me. Reinforce another wall in something quickly becoming a castle.

At the slow sound of bedsprings creaking, I turned my head, absentmindedly watching as he stood up. He didn't move from the foot of his bed, remaining a little hunched. My eyes focused enough to see his hand wiping at closed eyes.

I quickly sat up, enough to sound the springs of my own bed. Had he... Was he crying?

I expected him to turn around at the sound, to notice I was there. But he didn't, and his hand lowered from his face. With a small sigh, he pivoted around, eyes rising from the floor. The tiredness inside them fled, vanishing as soon as he saw I was awake. I studied his face; no sign of tears. Had he been wiping away fatigue, then?

Quickly, he was searching my face, trying to figure out why I was searching his, probably. Metal fingers rose to his mouth

"Did I drool in my sleep again?"

This got a grin on my face, and just before my eyes closed to stifle a laugh, I saw the small grin on his face as well.

I quickly shook my head, fighting away the memories of how he had slept like that. Stayed at the edge of my bed all night... Because I had been too weak to get myself together. I blocked the thoughts out, and by the time I opened my eyes again, Ed was sitting across from me. On the bed beside mine, focusing on pulling one boot onto his foot. Tongue peaking out in concentration.

I watched him for a moment, wondering if I had read the feeling I had gotten from him right. It... Felt like he was in that space again. The same one he'd been in the night I talked to him, when Al was out and we spoke in the kitchen.

It seemed like a lifetime ago, that moment. I had just started traveling with them, a few weeks out of the hospital. And here I was, sharing a bedroom with Ed. Here I was, continuing to hide myself. Building so many walls I may as well own a kingdom.

"You okay," he asked, and I blocked the sound of my name. Going so far as to close my eyes, head ducked like I was subtly evading some blow.

"Sure," I said. And then I nodded. "I'm fine, Edward."

Maybe it was the name I called him, a rare thought I voiced, but his head tilted to one side, and I forgot my reason for hiding for a moment. The way he looked in the sunlight, gold bright and glistening slightly. It was a sight I wanted to capture on paper. Drawing for the first time in so long...

I wanted to make that moment immortal.

But he moved, pushing against his leg for momentum, twisting his shoe against the floor and squeaking it for a moment. "Alright," he said quietly. "Just makin' sure."

I nodded again, still smiling a little.

It was late, and we were both tired when we reached Conolo. But the only room available... It just held a sole double-bed.

I tried to offer it to Alphonse, but the soul in the suit was quick to deflect my small gift.

"Oh, no!" Alphonse replied, holding his hand up. "Please, don't worry about me! You two go on ahead; I'm sure it'll be fine."

He giggled a little, too, after he said that, and that was the moment I became suspicious of Al's motives. My eyes didn't have time to narrow, however, as Edward gave a huge yawn.

"Think I'll just take the couch," he said before adding that I can have the room. He hopped over the back, tall body bouncing slightly as he landed lying down.

"You sure?" I asked. His hand rose, giving me the thumbs up sign as he looked behind his shoulder.

"Positive!" he replied.

My foot slid back. "At least let me make you a cup of te―"

Ed shushed me, and I could only think of the time where he kept shushing me, placing a cookie in my mouth; something to counter the sour attitude.

I smiled a little at the memory, eyes curving a bit.

"Alright," I said. "I get the hint, Edward. Good night."

"Night," he said, and shortened my name, cutting it to the first syllable. A wall broke and changed at the same time.

I bid my goodnight to Alphonse as well, seeing the teen smile at me with his eyes.

"Good night!"

"Good night, Al," I said while bowing, hands in front of my skirt. "I hope you two have plesant night."

That was my goodbye to them, since Al could no longer sleep. I wonder what he would say, if he knew I was the same as him.

I closed the door behind me, leaning against it until it clicked. Staring at the bed too big for just one person. It felt daunting, to say the least.

I stared at the opposite end of the bed for most of the night. Thinking about him, thinking about the space he left behind. Thinking about how Ed should be in here with me...

I shut my eyes. Ed shouldn't be mixing in with these thoughts. These nights were important―work I held myself to. I couldn't break again, so I had to build. Just keep building, until I couldn't see the original wall anymore. It was there, somewhere, underneath this labyrinth.

I just needed to keep building until I couldn't see myself anymore.

We got up the next morning, bright and early as always. It was hard, getting up after having no sleep. Running on empty, like the rest of me.

The next town yielded no results, just like the one before it. I began to wonder what was wrong. What they had done to deserve this. I wasn't sure, and I received no answers upon asking.

Not that there was a God listening, after all...

"This place sure was a dump, but guess we're glad we got a room in the first place..."

And then, as he swung his suitcase upright in one hand, he said one of the very few names I was absolutely dreading.

"But it sure beats being in Lautoxan, huh?"

Just hearing it again... as weak, as frail as I was... It brought me back; to a rooftop, to a body that could do nothing but cry and mȯȧn without syllabuses. A pathetic excuse for a person. Those... Those Homunculi were more important than I was.

He saw how my expression fell, I guess. My mask was glass, this early in the morning.

Or maybe the layers were getting thinner, after being used for so long.

I didn't notice he was so close until he took another step towards me. Then another. Suitcase long forgotten behind him, near the couch he'd slept on.

"I... I didn't mean to..."

I clapped a hand to my mouth; an attempt to force the already-spilling tears back, keep the mȯȧns of agony inside. But the wound was open, stitches torn and scab long since split.

"I'm so weak." These words almost slipped out; a fraction of my truest thoughts. But they didn't, and I remained frozen. Still, his arms wrapped around me. Holding me close without sound. Without a single whisper, as if his soul could somehow reach mine with enough proximity.

I didn't want him to.

I moved, pulling an inch or so backwards. But gently his hold increased, and his head bowed enough to rest against my shoulder. Trading places again; I had been like he was on the hospital's rooftop. Bowed against the shoulder of his coat, feeling muscle and bone but now he was just feeling a skeleton of a person. A shell of the body that once held happiness. Love and smiles and everything worth breathing for.

Why was I still alive?

Was it to cause more pain? Spread carnage like wildfire?

Ed and Al... They were both so happy. So hopeful. I was the shadow to their sunlight. Constantly darkening, constantly eclipsing.

If I were a moon, I'd be a sliver of a crescent. Most if not all darkness.

Ed spoke my name, gently. And once again I could almost feel the concrete against my knees. Almost enough to bruise them again.

Memories snapped against my consciousness. I wanted to be dragged that far into the past. Sheets slipping underneath skidding and searching fingertips; a mouth that laughed freely only to be silenced with kisses.

Of course, as he always does, Ed noticed. I could hear the small sound he made; a noise of question.

He asked my name, and I flinched at the sound of it. My head stayed still, eyes wincing and mouth quipping a mȯȧn.

His hand, his flesh one, came to my face. Palm cupping cheek, fingertips perched at the hairline near my temple.

A memory flashed. His hand catching my wrist.

"Just let me know when you feel yourself slipping. I'll catch you, okay?"

Another promise. Another handful of broken words.

How many lies was I at now?

His thumb stroked my skin, partially bringing me back to reality. I realized he was stooped over a little, enough to stare into my eyes. Search my face, my stained cheeks, my lips. He lingered on the last feature, his own mouth setting into a deeper frown, before looking back to my eyes. Brows creasing in the center. In concern, in discontentment.

He spoke my name again, and this time I didn't flinch. I only blinked once, rolling more tears away from my eyes and down my face. His thumb tried to wipe some of them away.

"Please...

Let me help."

I couldn't... I wouldn't know where to begin, even if I wanted to burden him. But my lips stayed stitched, going so far as to tightened and meld with a new row of thread.

I had to pull myself together.