Why are you always thinking about dating me?

"So, do you really want to save me, or do you just want to sleep with me?"

"You know me well. I didn't intend to do anything to Su Yuejin. As for you... tsk." Lin An shrugged.

Surprisingly, Xiao Chacha wasn't angry at Lin An's sarcasm. She drank her wine, leaned on the table, and told Lin An her story.

Chapter Forty-Two: The Despicable Me

Xiao Chacha's voice carried a hint of loneliness and desolation.

This stemmed from the look in her eyes when she spoke—an empty, seemingly devoid of anything, indifferent gaze. As she rambled on, it was as if she genuinely considered Lin An a suitable listener.

“My father was not a good guy.”

"He was an alcoholic, a gambler, and a womanizer. He did these things all day long. After he became rich, he especially disliked his wife. But my mother was a gossip. Every night she would try to persuade him to drink less after he came home drunk."

"What I got in return was beatings. My father didn't like me either. When I was little, I saw him hitting my mother and I was so scared that all I could do was cry. He would beat me too."

Xiao Chacha spoke of this matter in a detached tone, as if she were simply telling a story.

“This experience lasted from my childhood until I was eleven or twelve years old, when my father died from alcohol poisoning. I lived with my mother.”

“My mother is actually a rather weak person, but she is very good to me. But later she still took over everything in the family because she hoped to give me a good future. As I grew up, I stayed by my mother's side, and my mother became busier and busier.”

"Perhaps it was because of this incident that I developed an intense aversion to men, even to a physical degree. I tried my best to overcome it, and it got much better afterward. I no longer felt nauseous whenever I talked to a man."

"At that time, it was especially difficult to have normal conversations with older men."

Xiao Chacha lit a cigarette. Smoking wasn't prohibited in this bar. She glanced at Lin An, wanting to toss him one, but Lin An shook his head and refused.

"You've quit?"

"How did you figure that out?" Lin An was taken aback.

"Just a guess." Xiao Chacha smiled mysteriously, then continued to murmur, "Then it was just the normal trajectory of my life. As I grew up, I couldn't bring myself to like boys, but I was especially close to girls. A few years ago, I had a girl I really liked. Her name was Su Yuejin."

“I went to the same school as Su Yuejin in junior high school, and we were even deskmates. We could chat together back then, and we were one of the few friends we had. But later I found out that I liked her, I wanted to possess her completely, I wanted her to stay by my side and be good to only me. This liking gradually changed until Su Yuejin was afraid of me and hated me.”

"Then, after the third year of junior high, our friendship came to an end. In the end, I still confessed my feelings to her, but at that time, she said something that made me very sad. So I didn't apply to the same high school as her, perhaps because I didn't want to appear in front of her again, so as not to annoy her."

"What did Su Yuejin say?" Lin An asked, somewhat puzzled.

"She told me that love is not forced or twisted, and that she doesn't have that kind of sexual orientation. So what if I keep pestering her? It's just my selfish thinking."

Xiao Chacha took another sip of wine and said self-deprecatingly, "What she said is actually right. Her rejection was decisive. That's fine too. Since we can't have it, let's just let it go."

"Then I went to another high school in the city, but it was an all-girls school. I refuted Su Yuejin's words. Even straight girls were turned gay by me and were willing to be with me and do the things that couples do together."

"Then... over the course of a year or two, I dated a lot of girls. Some eventually realized my true nature and broke up with me, while others were taken away by men. It didn't matter, I always thought that way."

“But today, my last four girls have left me too. I’m still sad, still very sad… Lin An.”

Xiao Chacha has already drunk three small cups.

Lin An was somewhat speechless. Could this woman in front of him be considered a "scumbag"? If so, she was an epic one. Lin An thought it was pretty impressive that she could chat with four girls at once; he certainly couldn't do that.

"Why don't we talk about it first? Why do you want to be in a relationship?" Lin An poured himself a glass, took a small sip, and asked patiently.

Xiao Chacha slowly raised her head.

"Because I lack love." She admitted it so readily, as if it were a firm self-awareness.

Lin An laughed, "That's not necessarily true."

"People who lack love have two behavioral patterns. One is that after mastering the skills of love, they love others frantically. The other is that because they have not received love for a long time, their need for love has decreased, but when they meet someone they think they like or who is good to them, they will still throw themselves into it."

“You belong to the first type, while Su Yuejin belongs to the second type.”

"So what? Not necessarily what?"

"Why don't you try being friends with only the girls first?"

"To be friends?"

"Because your desires aren't actually that strong, are they? All you want is companionship and emotional support, so what's wrong with just being friends?"

"What if I fall in love with them while I'm friends with them? And if I do fall in love, am I just going to watch them end up in the arms of other men?!"

"But didn't you say that you don't love any of those girls?"

Lin An's tone was not so gentle. "Since you don't love those girls, and they were taken away or left you on their own, your sadness is just because of your possessiveness. You feel that losing something of yours is like losing a beloved toy."

He looked into Xiao Chacha's eyes, and the light in his pupils left Xiao Chacha no room to look away.

"I bet... you didn't dare tell your mother that you like girls, did you?"

Xiao Chacha was taken aback, her eyes widening. She didn't know why Lin An had guessed, but she still nodded gently in acknowledgment and answered softly, "But Mom has a vague idea. She hinted to me... not to think that way."

"Of course, not every parent is that open-minded. Who wouldn't want their children to grow up normally?"

"Oh, right, there's one more thing. Of all the relationships you've had, how many were actually with lesbians?" Lin An asked with great interest.

He wasn't viewing this matter with prejudice; he treated everyone in this group as equals.

Xiao Chacha shook her head, "No."

"Because of what Su Yuejin said to me back then... it obsessed me. I kept thinking that I could make her like me, even if she didn't like girls, I could still make her..."

"So you're afraid that they'll eventually follow their physical desires and end up with men, aren't you?" Lin An crossed his legs, his expression languid.

"You're treating it like a bird. You're afraid it will fly away, so you keep it in a cage all day long. It wants to fly but can't. Birds are born to fly because they have wings, but you're keeping it locked up in a cage. This will only make it try to escape from its confinement. Once it finally flies away, it will never come back."

He made a simple analogy, looking into Xiao Chacha's eyes.

"I really can't save you, not because you're hopeless, but because I think you're just starting from the wrong point. Since you really only like girls, the world is big, it's not like it can't accept you. Besides, you're pretty."

Lin An said with a smile.

"I...don't want to."

"Hmm? Why is that?"

"I don't know... I just don't want to..."

"What are you running away from?" Lin An looked into her eyes.

Xiao Chacha stared blankly into his eyes.

"You should see a psychologist for this kind of thing, a reliable and suitable one. Anyway, you can afford psychological counseling. Just like many people with depression are reluctant to go to the hospital, I guess you are similar. You can't find out where your problem is, and you are unwilling to face it, so you just keep seeking love in a vague way. And now? You have no love and you are drowning your sorrows in alcohol."

"So, nothing I say tonight really matters. You say you like girls, but you're unwilling to actually join this circle. What are you afraid of? Even if I say a lot tonight, tomorrow morning when you're sober, your next step will be to flirt with the next girl?"

Lin An took another sip of wine.

Xiao Chacha stared into his eyes, but her gaze held a hint of anger.

Lin An knew why she was angry; it was because she had been hit where it hurt. This wasn't a self-righteous judgment based on a sense of superiority, but simply the truth.

"so?"

"Have you ever kissed a man?" he suddenly asked.

"No... How could this be... How could I..." Xiao Chacha became somewhat incoherent, but she still harbored hostility towards Lin An.

"So, what are you afraid of if you don't want to accept the circle? Are you afraid of facing the pressure from society and your mother? Or... are you actually just a psychological disorder caused by childhood trauma, but it's been distorted by long-term psychological suggestion from your own self-judgment?"

"Although some of the things I'm saying are disgusting and absolute, some things are just the way they are. If you feel desire for someone... then it means that you probably do like her. Have you ever felt desire? Is it from yourself, or from your long-term psychological suggestion?"

"When I used to write lesbian novels, I did a lot of research to avoid making mistakes or getting criticized. But later I found that the lesbian community is now being stigmatized by some people and has become the object of sexual fantasies, but that shouldn't be the case."

"Since we are all human, just with different orientations, you should know that most lesbians have an extreme aversion to men."

"Since you were able to overcome it on your own, it means you did a good job. Or is it just a result of long-term psychological suggestion caused by past experiences?"

Xiao Chacha listened to him muttering these words.

"So?" Xiao Chacha seemed to be getting his answer soon. For some reason, she felt that he wasn't as simple as she had imagined.

"Ah, I'm not sure if this kind of sexual orientation can be tested at the hospital, but the test results are actually just based on your own psychological suggestion. Isn't the simplest way to distinguish whether you have desire for women, or whether you have aversion or desire for men?"

"So? What's your answer?" Lin An asked softly.

Xiao Chacha shook her head. "I don't know."

Her eyes were slightly red, and a bitter feeling had somehow spread through her.

"Look, you've run away again. It's because of these repeated escapes that you've developed an escapist mentality, leading you to think in a distorted way. Some people can't recognize their own position, but that's okay. They will eventually learn to grow."

Xiao Chacha stood up.

Her steps were slightly unsteady as she walked up to Lin An. She bent down slightly, her smooth shoulders gleaming alluringly under the light. Xiao Chacha held a wine glass in one hand and gently placed the other on Lin An's shoulder.

"Then tell me... what should I do... Lin An, what should I do..."

She had shed her previous nonchalant and carefree demeanor, and now she looked helpless and sad. Her eyes were slightly red, and crystal tears slid down her cheeks.

Lin An felt like he was playing a puzzle game, and he would soon find the answer. He enjoyed the process, but he also looked forward to getting the answer.

Xiao Chacha appeared to be about 60% drunk.

Taking advantage of someone's misfortune is very wrong.

But Lin An wanted to satisfy his thirst for knowledge, after all, he was a selfish person.

"Want to try kissing me?"

He said that.

------------

P.S.: Emperor Yan is adding an extra chapter~ Please give He Xuexue a few monthly tickets if you have enough left, please, please, please!

Chapter Forty-Three Those Nights

Xiao Chacha was stunned for nearly three seconds.

Because Lin An spoke so frankly and purely, his eyes were so clear and devoid of any desire, Xiao Chacha subconsciously wondered if he was trying to trick her, but her plan backfired.

"Of course, you understand me, so... I can try some things with you, but we should not interfere with each other so as not to affect each other's lives."

"Is this the same approach you use with Su Yuejin?" Xiao Chacha's voice turned somewhat cold.

"Maybe so. My mind was a mess at the time, so I said some things to Su Yuejin that I shouldn't have said. I'm not a gentle person. Gentle people can't find happiness."

Lin An waited for Xiao Chacha's reply. Xiao Chacha took a sip of wine, but she didn't swallow it immediately. Instead, she put down her glass, sat on Lin An's lap, and reached out to wrap her arms around his neck.

"Let me make this clear first, Cha Cha, we won't like each other."

Xiao Chacha couldn't speak because of the alcohol in her mouth, but she nodded.