Why are you always thinking about dating me?

So he doesn't touch her, that's Lin An's thinking, Su Yuejin could guess, but what if he couldn't help himself and had sex with her again? What Lin An was afraid of was his possessiveness, many things, once done once, will do again, and then countless times.

Few people can defy this law.

Although she knew she was playing with fire, she knew she couldn't be as calm as Lin An in dealing with anything, and she knew that in the end she might be the one who got burned, she still wanted to do it.

In this life, there are times when you have to do something crazy so you won't have any regrets.

Su Yuejin thought to herself, then opened her game, intending to play a couple of rounds before taking a shower. As soon as she entered the game, the Spirit Blossom skin page was still on the interface. She paused for a moment, looking at the original artwork of Ahri's Spirit Blossom skin, as if she suddenly remembered something. Instead of rushing to open the game, she went to Taobao, seemingly fiddling with something.

..........................................

Xiao Chacha returned home, but she drew the curtains.

She doesn't like being in the light; she prefers a completely dark world, which gives her a strange sense of security. After getting home, she opened the game and habitually looked at her friends list, where there was always someone waiting for her.

But not this time.

Lin An wasn't online, so she tried sending him a message: "Want to play a game?"

The reply came quickly, but Lin An's answer was not what she wanted.

"No, I have some things to take care of."

Lin An's words seemed like a simple refusal, but they actually carried a deeper meaning. He did refuse, but he gave a reason, which he didn't say. So even if he used the same reason next time, Xiao Chacha would still be helpless.

Simply saying a few words is too cold-hearted and lacks human touch.

"Your 'no' means that from now on it will probably always be 'no', right?" Xiao Chacha's fingertips tapped lightly on the keyboard.

About five or six seconds later, she received Lin An's reply, a simple "Mm".

"So what exactly did I do wrong, Lin An? Why are you treating me like this?" Xiao Chacha typed out a line of words on the keyboard.

But Lin An, sitting in front of the screen, didn't know how to answer the question.

Xiao Chacha did nothing wrong. She made no mistakes because that's just how she is. She's just doing things her own way, and that's how she's used to it. So, for her, she's not wrong.

But nobody bothers to distinguish right from wrong.

Before he could answer, Xiao Chacha typed another line on the keyboard.

"Was it a mistake to go to bed with someone who had drunk too much that day?" she asked softly.

"Do you regret it?" Lin An asked her.

“I have never regretted it. How I use my body is my business and my decision. I don’t blame anyone else, and I don’t hate it.”

"On the contrary, when you are on top of me, I feel confused, and I inexplicably think of a lot of messy things, making me unable to tell what I am thinking. I have no regrets, and I did not love you as promised, but I still seem to have not found the answer."

“When I meet many men, I am still afraid, just like today. I have once again retreated into the old me, so cowardly and useless, but I just can’t break free from it. I thought I understood people’s hearts and where feelings come from, but I am actually utterly stupid and can’t understand anything.”

"When I used to play games with you, I was thinking... maybe if we were separated by a screen and never met in person, I would gradually be able to accept men. And then I met you."

"It's like the me you hear in the microphone, the me is called Chacha, silly and abstract. She would foolishly shout 'Wuhu Wuhu,' she would be addicted to the game world because that way she could escape a lot of things. And you, the one beside me, would almost perfectly comfort me, coax me, and make me change little by little."

"So I've become somewhat dependent on you, because I feel like we're friends. We can communicate through a screen. I don't need to look into your eyes or be watched by you, so I can speak my mind clearly and be the person I want to be."

"After meeting you, I found that you are different from me. You are the same in real life as you are in the game. It's easy to get along with you. I don't need to worry that you have desires for me or that you will bully me. So I feel that I can still be the same as before."

"But you're right... I just run away. I'm afraid of men, but I crave love, so I wonder if I like girls. But you, you rascal, have to ask me things like, 'Do you want me to kiss you?'"

"I was actually tempted, so I was willing. I thought that even if I succumbed to desire, would it slowly make me feel better? Would it slowly help me grow and become the person I want to be? So I have no regrets, and I don't blame you."

"But I think I still messed up... You won't even play games with me anymore, Lin An."

Xiao Chacha typed each word on the keyboard, clenching her teeth tightly. Her nose felt inexplicably sore, but she didn't want to cry. She tried to hold back her tears, but they still kept falling down one by one.

The cold light from the computer screen illuminated her face.

Xiao Chacha never thought of herself as a crybaby, but she cried twice today.

A few seconds later, her computer prompted a voice call request from Lin An. She answered and put on her headphones, but tears still streamed down her face, and her intermittent sobs reached Lin An's ears.

"I knew you were crying," Lin An said first.

"But I didn't expect you to cry. I just felt that you must have cried while you were typing. I thought about it and thought about it. Do you want to hear it?"

"Yes." Xiao Chacha's voice was hoarse, tinged with intermittent sobs.

"Because you're not firm enough, Xiao Chacha. You're still confused because you don't understand what you really want. But you're different from Su Yuejin, aren't you? She's not so afraid of being alone because her need for love was very low before. Because she didn't receive love continuously, she became self-sufficient. But when she really encounters it, she'll be like a moth drawn to a flame, throwing herself into it without hesitation."

"And you, you chose a strange way because of the lack of love, coupled with your sexual orientation, and the constraints of social and familial rules, which made you more and more confused and twisted. You are like a tangled ball of yarn, all twisted together and impossible to untangle. So it seems... your problems are much more serious than Su Yuejin's."

“I don’t like to interfere in other people’s lives. I’m afraid of misleading them and sending them in the wrong direction. But… if you consider me a friend, I can help you with something. I have very few friends, and I’ve never really had any friends I should have. I think I can live a simple life.”

Xiao Chacha listened blankly to his gentle voice.

"You also have vulnerabilities, you also shed tears, and you always hope that someone will treat you gently, Xiao Chacha... I hope you can be better. Perhaps I can give something, perhaps it's compensation, or perhaps it's just my own pure and foolish wish."

"But the premise is, Xiao Chacha, the methods and suggestions I give you may not be correct, and may lead you in a more wrong direction. Even so, do you still want an answer?"

"I want."

She did not hesitate; her voice was firm, her eyes glistened with tears, and her fingertips trembled slightly.

"So...should we come out and have a proper talk, or at your place?"

“I can come to your house,” Xiao Chacha said.

"No way, my sister would punch me to pieces. Anyway... you know I have a sister, right?"

"I know, Xu Qinghuan."

"So you did investigate me... I knew how you knew I smoke. Anyway, I'm free tonight, so I'll just chat with you. So, shall we go out or stay home?"

I want to drink.

"I want to remind you that drinking is not a way to escape reality, but... a little bit is fine. It's the same bar as last time, the one I treated you to. Wait a moment, I'll ask for permission before I go out."

"Okay, I'll wait for you." Xiao Chacha wiped away her tears.

Chapter Sixty-Six: Candy

Lin An needs to consult Xu Qinghuan first.

Xu Qinghuan was fiddling with something Lin An couldn't understand in the room—a bunch of strange codes. He didn't know what she was learning. She was wearing a gray backless sweater, which showed off her beautiful side boobs.

"I need to go out for a bit, sister," he said softly to Xu Qinghuan.

Xu Qinghuan picked up the lemonade on the table, took a sip, lightly touched the ground with her toes, then turned around with her chair, tilting her head, "What's wrong?"

“There are some things I want to deal with…to interfere in other people’s lives,” Lin An replied.

Xu Qinghuan looked at him, then glanced at the ceiling, and gently swung her legs. "I won't ask if you're going to see Su Yuejin or meet some other woman... Go if you want, it's okay if you don't tell me next time. Just come back as soon as possible if you can. Of course, I won't force you to come back."

"Don't worry, it's not what you're thinking." Lin An looked helplessly into Xu Qinghuan's eyes.

“I know,” Xu Qinghuan said. “If that were the case, would you still be asking me for instructions?”

"That might be true."

"Then you're asking for it, I'll bite you to death."

Xu Qinghuan kicked his stomach with her calf, then, still holding the cup, she spun the chair around again, put down the lemonade, and continued typing the code.

Lin An turned and walked out, when Xu Qinghuan's voice suddenly reached his ears.

"If you really want to change other people's thoughts and wills on your own, then be firm and don't be too considerate of their feelings, otherwise you'll just get yourself into trouble."

"I understand, sister." Lin An nodded and walked out the door.

..............................

The early autumn night wasn't very cold. Lin An scanned a shared bicycle and rode to the bar, since it wasn't very far. But once he got there, Lin An suddenly thought of something.

After entering the bar, he saw Xiao Chacha, still wearing the same moon-white JK uniform she wore during the day. However, she seemed even more slender and fragile than during the day. People are always like this; they tend to become vulnerable and uneasy at night.

“I suddenly remembered…aren’t you on your period? And you’re still drinking.” Lin An sat down opposite her, looked at the bottle of whiskey in front of her, then took it away and went to the bar to get two bottles of milk.

"I don't want to drink milk," she muttered to herself.

Don't you like it?

Lactose intolerance.

"Oh... I'm sorry." Lin An went to the counter again, and seeing her longing look, he finally got her a bottle of 1664, the kind that wasn't even very cold.

"After thinking about it, since we're just chatting, there's no need to drink too much. If you drink too much, you won't remember anything when you wake up tomorrow, so what's the point of chatting?"

Lin An sat opposite her, but Xiao Chacha felt inexplicably hesitant and uneasy.

"What, can't we have a normal conversation without drinking, Miss Chacha?" Lin An looked helplessly into her eyes. Xiao Chacha paused for a second or two when she heard him call her that, then shook her head, "No, not at all."

"You have a cute, adorable vibe." Lin An sighed helplessly at her use of the word "talent," looked into her eyes, and gently asked, "So, tell me, what are you thinking right now?"

"How...how would I know?" If Xiao Chacha knew, she probably wouldn't be so confused and bewildered.

Xiao Chacha poured a glass of beer into her mouth, took a sip, and there seemed to be a little bit of foam at the corner of her mouth. Lin An, sitting opposite her, asked softly, "So, your problem is still about your fear of men, isn't it?"

"Yes."

“But you’re wrong, Cha Cha,” Lin An murmured softly.

Xiao Chacha didn't understand.

"Do you crave this change, or are you forced to seek it due to societal and regulatory pressures? While these two things can be considered as one, to put it simply... do you truly desire change?"

"Yes." Xiao Chacha's answer was much more firm this time.

"The situation you are currently facing is just a process, not the result."

Xiao Chacha was taken aback.

"Since you're thinking of integrating into the right environment, calming down your chaotic love, and no longer choosing to run away, that's already very good. But things can't always go smoothly from the start. If things go smoothly from the beginning, you'll still be brought back to square one when you encounter setbacks."

"After all, this is just the initial process. You may feel uncomfortable in this environment today, but as you gradually integrate and become familiar with it, things will eventually get better. You can't expect the environment to adapt to you; you have to try to adapt to the environment."

"But if you were to choose one person to bear all of this alone, it might be... too difficult."

"But you should be able to do it, Chacha."

"I...can't do it."

"I think you can do it. You're very talented, aren't you? It's like when we play games. You started out with terminal cancer, but as you played more, you learned and gradually your rank went up."

"When you're in a relationship or communicating with someone, everyone starts out with a terminal cancer. But that's not shameful. You have to grow, change, and get used to the process. If you keep running away and don't strive for progress, you'll never be able to change."

"Think back to when we played games before, from Silver to Gold, from Gold to Platinum. At the beginning, in each rank, didn't you get completely crushed in lane every game after you first climbed up? But so what? You gradually adapted, and when you reached Diamond, you were familiar with it, and playing against Platinum players was just like slaughtering dogs, wasn't it?"