Konoha Drunkard

"Sigh! We've been going through this for more than half a year. Dad, take me to the Land of Wind next time. I don't want to die young!" Nara Shikaku looked up at the sky, holding back his tears.

Everyone looked up at the returning ninjas with blank stares.

"Is it that scary? How come Lord Shanks is completely unharmed?" Kato Dan asked curiously.

"Ugh! The teacher and the Raikage are inhuman. They've been fighting non-stop for half a year, then they'll drink and rest for a few days, and then it's fighting again. Each fight lasts for more than a month. We really can't take it anymore. Dad, next time I want to go to the Land of Wind too. I'd rather go and kill enemies." Yamanaka Inoichi said, looking up at the sky.

"..." Everyone was speechless. Was it really that terrifying?

"Haha, my good daughter, do you miss your old man?" Shanks laughed, holding his five-year-old Big Mom.

“Yes, I think about my father many, many times every day!” Big Mom said in Shanks’ arms.

"What a wonderful daughter!" Shanks pinched Big Mom's cheek.

"Well, thank you for your hard work!" Shanks said to Haruko.

"Hehe, you drink with Raikage every day, which is more tiring than me!" Haruko laughed.

"Haha! Of course, that old geezer always outdrinks me!" Shanks said with pride. Every time he saw the Raikage collapse first, he followed suit. When it comes to stamina, they're both nobodies.

The welcoming ceremony that followed was, as always, a spiel by Hiruzen Sarutobi. Since no one died this time, he spent his time praising Konoha and its leaders... well, himself. Shanks had to admire Hiruzen; he wondered where he'd copied it from. Compared to Hanzo the Salamander, Shanks was at least ten times worse!

Just as Shanks was dozing off while holding Big Mom, Hiruzen Sarutobi finally finished.

Shanks had just returned to the Senju clan's territory when he saw Tsunade clapping her hands and walking out of the Nawaki house.

"What's going on?" Shanks asked a member of the Vortex clan.

"Lady Tsunade took a lot of notebooks and some women's underwear from Nawaki's house more than a month ago! I heard that Nawaki took one of them by mistake and gave it to Lady Ryouka!" This clansman was sweating profusely as he looked at the imposing Tsunade. She was too domineering.

"Holy crap! Nawaki doesn't want to live anymore!" Shanks was stunned! Ryoka was his aunt Mito's maid, and had taken care of his aunt for decades. After Mito passed away, she was so heartbroken that she stayed in bed all day.

Shanks walked into Nawaki's house and looked inside with a dark expression. Nawaki had been beaten up by Tsunade to the point of looking like a pig's head. It was unclear how Tsunade had done it, but she had punched Nawaki's mouth into the shape of Akagi Takenori's mouth, making him look like he was about to die.

"Hey! How could you pick up the wrong thing? Can't you even look at the fabric? And you're so young, even if I gave you a woman, you wouldn't be able to handle her. Why do you like studying this kind of thing so much!" Shanks told Haruko to take the old lady back while he went to check on Nawaki, genuinely afraid he might die.

"I really didn't know! That day, I had just gotten it in my hand and hadn't even seen who it was when the Anbu appeared behind me and startled me. I hurriedly put it away and went to the Hokage Building." Nawaki said aggrievedly. "It's all the Hokage's fault!"

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"I'm truly speechless. Why didn't Tobirama shoot you into the wall back then? No one in the Senju clan is as gifted as you." Shanks was exasperated. "Could it be that Tobirama dug up his brother's grave and caused this?"

"What should I do? My older sister is really angry this time. She beat me up so badly," Rope Tree said pitifully.

"Don't play the victim with me. Your older sister is too domineering; I can't suppress her. Go keep Aunt Ryoka company for the next couple of days. When Tsunade visits her, ask her to put in a good word for you." Shanks shrugged.

"That's all we can do," Nawaki said, then fell asleep.

........

On the fourth day after returning to Konoha, Sakumo Hatake managed to get Shanks to meet him. In the past, Shanks would always go to his house to find his father's stash of sake; he had never taken the initiative to approach Shanks.

"Holy crap! No way? You got that girl pregnant? And you'd only known her for a few days, and you weren't even married! Thank goodness Uncle Ito left early, or he'd beat you to death." Shanks was stunned. The mighty White Fang of Konoha, the Anbu Chief Hatake Sakumo, slept with a medical ninja in the Land of Rain after knowing her for only a few days, and only found out she was pregnant by chance when he returned to Konoha. Dude, this isn't a romance movie, this is an action anime!

"I asked you to come out so you could help me figure something out, not to embarrass me." Hatake Sakumo glared at Shanks.

"Big brother! Do we still need to figure this out? We already have a child, of course we should propose to her, then get married, then have a child, and finally woo Shinku's daughter! What else is there to think about?" Shanks said.

"But... I don't know how, and I don't even know if she'd be willing. I only know the last two characters of her name," Hatake Sakumo said helplessly, looking quite frustrated.

"Holy crap, never say something like that in front of Jiraiya, or you'll have another mortal enemy. He'll beat your son to a pulp someday!" Shanks stared at Sakumo Hatake in awe. So what if he's handsome? I've never encountered anything like that.

"Stop talking nonsense and think of a solution." Hatake Sakumo scratched his head and said.

"Are you suffering from prenatal depression? You slept with her after knowing her for only a few days, and you're worried she won't want to marry you? But you, the head of the ANBU, don't even know her full name, that's not right, is it? Didn't you check?" Shanks said disdainfully.

"No, it's not convenient for me to check. Besides, can't you hear other people's thoughts? Can you listen to them for me?" Hatake Sakumo said seriously.

"Holy crap! You're using my Observation Haki like this..." Shanks really wanted to spit in his face!

"Then you have to give me a name, right? My Observation Haki can't tell fortunes, can it?" Shanks said disdainfully.

"Uh... her name is Yusa... I don't know her full name," Hatake Sakumo said awkwardly.

Shanks gave him a thumbs up. This is the ultimate way to flirt. He didn't even know Shanks' full name, yet he was already a perfect match.

Shanks closed his eyes (purely for show) and activated his Observation Haki to its full potential. After a while...

Shanks stared intently at Sakumo Hatake, his eyes wide open.

"What's wrong? Is there something wrong with her?" Sakumo Hatake asked.

"She's fine, you're the problem. I never expected this. You're such a jerk!" Shanks acted like he didn't know him.

"What's going on?" Hatake Sakumo was baffled by what he said.

"Ahem! Did you go to the Land of Vegetables five years ago? And then you saved a girl whose whole family had been killed by bandits? No, I should call her a young girl. And then she wanted to come back to Konoha with you, and you gave her some money and then refused her?" Shanks said disdainfully.

Sakumo Hatake stroked his chin, recalling for a long time before finally speaking, "It seems like there was such a thing, but I don't remember it very clearly. Could it be that girl... no, young girl?"

"That's right! After you abandoned her back then, she crossed countless mountains and vast oceans, enduring hardships for half a year to finally reach Konoha. After hearing that you were the White Fang of Konoha, she didn't give up. At the advanced age of 12, she risked her life to gather chakra and endured countless hardships to learn medical ninjutsu, all just to see you when you were injured. And yet, you don't even remember her name, and you even got her pregnant. She didn't even complain to you. She's an extraordinary woman who transcends eras! You scumbag!" Shanks looked like he was about to cry from being moved, but then he scorned him again.

“.......” Hatake Sakumo looked up at the sky. Was it really that exaggerated? The Land of Vegetables was not as far from Konoha as it was from the Land of Water!

Okay, Shanks admits he exaggerated a little, but this bastard really was a born ninja. He saved her, put on a hero's rescue, and then promptly dumped her, returning to Konoha all by himself. Truly impressive. I guess that's why Kishimoto couldn't stand it anymore and killed him off... So! This tells us that heroes shouldn't just rescue damsels in distress, or one day the retribution will come without them even knowing it.

"The situation is clear now. Back then, after you played the hero and saved the damsel in distress, you didn't accept her advances, so she came looking for you. Later, after you slept with her, you couldn't even remember her name. She left heartbroken, and when you returned to Konoha, you found out she was pregnant... and you started to feel anxious and uneasy, right?" Shanks gave a powerful analysis.

"That should be it!" Sakumo Hatake was a little confused, but the cause, process, and result of the matter were all correct.

"Then what are we waiting for? Go propose to her tonight! Are we going to wait until the kids can call us 'Dad' before we go? Are we going to wait for her to raise your kids?" Shanks was defeated. With this kind of skill, beautiful women would just offer themselves up. Damn it, are there no talented people left in the ninja world?

"Tonight? Isn't that too rushed? I'm all prepared!" Sakumo Hatake jumped up.

"Big brother! I'll call you grandpa. You can prepare, but can she? She's been pregnant for months, and her belly is getting bigger every day. You know, in Konoha, women who give birth out of wedlock are gossiped about to death." Shanks covered his forehead.

"Then... how should I propose?" Sakumo Hatake asked.

"This..." Shanks was stumped. He hadn't asked for anything. He'd seduce Haruko when he was five, and if Grandma Inoue hadn't died so quickly, he and Haruko would have married at 14. Everything was arranged by his aunt, Mito...

"How about... we ask Crimson? I heard he used to woo his wife so badly she begged him to propose," Shanks said.

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"I'd better not. I don't want too many people to know." Sakumo Hatake thought about it and decided against it. It was only because Shanks was his best friend that he sought Shanks' help. This kind of thing shouldn't be spread around.

"Well... I've got it. Go find Yamanaka Inoichi (Yamamanaka Inoichi's father) and ask his wife to arrange all the white and red roses in her shop into the words 'Marry Me' and put them in Training Ground 3. Around those words, put some fireworks and ninja tools. I'll go to the Land of Craftsmen to get you something. If she still doesn't marry you, I'll raise your son for you!" Shanks said after thinking for a while.

Just kidding. Although it's been over twenty years since it was passed down and my memory is a bit hazy, I didn't watch all those fashion idol dramas in my past life for nothing. I still remember some of the simple tropes.

"...Can it really work?" Hatake Sakumo was somewhat doubtful. I, the dignified head of the Hatake clan, have plenty of money. Why would I need a stingy person like you to raise my child?

"Don't you trust me to handle things? I'm as steady as an iron egg! You go to the Yamanaka family right now!" Shanks said.

←↓→↑←↓→↓→!

"Uncle Rum! Help me out, this is a matter of life and death! After this is done, you can take anything from the Hatake clan's treasury except for that short sword!" Shanks appeared at the door of Rum's carving shop, the master sculptor of the Land of Craftsmen! This was the old man whom Shanks had once bribed with money to carve for him.

"Cough! Cough, you bastard! Art is priceless! Don't you understand?!" A strong voice came from inside.

"Stop talking nonsense. Don't artists need to eat? Help me get this sorted out this time, and you can study your art for the rest of your life. Do you know the Hatake clan?" Shanks said smugly.

"What business is it of mine with the Hatake clan! I'm not their illegitimate son. So, what do you want?" A grumpy old man walked out of the house, speaking arrogantly.

"Once this is settled, the money the Hatake clan gave you will be more than your son and grandson can squander!" Shanks tossed him a scroll containing a portrait of a young, beautiful girl.

"Help me carve this out of crystal, I need it by tonight, put it on my tab!" Shanks was unusually generous, after all, they were best buddies for life, a small sacrifice was necessary.

After looking at the scroll, Rum said, "This isn't difficult. What are you ninjas doing? Instead of studying how to kill people properly, you're always messing around with this nonsense."

"None of your business! Get to work, I need to get back!" After not seeing Rum for years, Shanks noticed Rum had become increasingly arrogant, and he openly criticized him in front of everyone... What a truly upright and principled artist...

In the afternoon, Shanks returned to Konoha and went to Sakumo Hatake's house, throwing him the scroll containing the crystal-carved version of Kakashi's mother. "I spent a lot of money to get this from an old stubborn man in the Land of Craftsmen. Whether you can finish it tonight is up to you."

"The flower shop in Yamanaka is all done. What's next?" Hatake Sakumo asked, taking the scroll.

"Well... pick her up from get off work later, then go shopping. At eight o'clock, lead her to Training Ground 3, activate the fireworks ninja tool, and then propose," Shanks said after thinking for a moment.

"That's all? How should I say it then?" Sakumo Hatake asked.

"Brother! You said you don't know anything and I have to teach you? You said things like 'You are the wind and I am the sand,' 'Entwined to the ends of the earth'... Don't you have any books like that at home?" Shanks said, stroking his chin.

"No, I never watch it."

"...You people from all these big families are so rigid..." Shanks thought for a moment, then looked up at the sky.

"Alright, go pick her up from get off work first. Then you can say whatever comes to mind. I bet that girl knows what kind of person you are, so she probably won't believe you if you say something cheesy!" Shanks said, rubbing his forehead.

After listening, Hatake Sakumo thought about it and realized it seemed to make sense, then he left.

Shanks looked at his friend's retreating figure and thought, "Kamen Rider has already been created, and Asuma's 'Tragedy' cigarettes will probably be born soon too. Hiruzen Sarutobi really seems to get more motivated as he gets older..."

At Konoha Hospital, Sakumo Hatake saw someone crouching on a large tree near the hospital entrance.

"Mother, isn't that Uncle Sakumo?" Haruko and her mother had just finished get off work when their mother spotted the white-haired man squatting under the tree as soon as they stepped outside.

"Huh? It really is him. What's he doing at the hospital?" Haruko was about to go over and say hello to the Fourth Emperor's mother when she saw Sakumo suddenly appear next to a beautiful girl. He said something to her, and the girl shyly followed him.

“母亲，朔茂叔叔是不是和有莎姐姐在谈恋爱呀？”别以为四皇大妈不懂恋爱是什么意思，火影的男性小鬼三岁就知道自己多出来的一根棒子不只是用来尿尿那么简单了。比如说猿飞日斩，比如疑是猿飞日斩私生子的自来也，再比如被纲手揍成猪头的绳树。。。

"Hehe, that seems to be true. But Sakumo wouldn't know these tricks. It must be your father's doing again," Haruko laughed. As the saying goes, you can tell what a person will be like at eighty if they are three years old. Haruko and the two of them grew up together, so how could she not know what kind of person Hatake Sakumo was? Although he's older now and not as straightforward as before, he wouldn't think of such a crazy idea as picking up his sister from get off work. Instead, he'd be more like her husband Shanks, who started picking her up from Konoha Hospital every day when she was eight.

“Let’s go back. I reckon your Uncle Sakumo will be getting married soon!” Haruko saw the Fourth Emperor’s mother putting a finger to her lips, seemingly contemplating life.

"No wonder Uncle Sakumo called Father away early this morning." The Fourth Emperor's mother looked like she understood.

On the streets of Konoha, the straightforward guy from back then seemed to have returned. He was walking down the street with a girl, but he didn't say a word. When the girl tried to start a conversation with him, he would only reply with two words each time.

Shanks, using his Observation Haki within the Hatake clan, listened with a puzzled expression. "Damn it, even Jiraiya is better than him. He was so awesome in school, how come he's so clueless now!"

The straightforward and honest Sakumo Hatake, back in action, strolled with a girl from Konoha Hospital to a noodle shop. During their walk, the girl suggested over thirty topics, and the straightforward guy only managed to say a little over sixty words...

"Hey! Sakumo, what a coincidence, shopping with your girlfriend?" While shopping with his pregnant wife, Yuhi Shinku suddenly saw a white-haired man accompanying a beautiful girl. He thought he was hallucinating, but after rubbing his eyes and taking a closer look, he realized that it really was Hatake Sakumo, the head of the Anbu.

Yuhi Shinku looked at his pregnant wife beside him and suddenly wondered if it was because of their old promise?

"Is my daughter that sought after?"

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"Ah, this is my fiancée." The straightforward man, Hatake Sakumo, said something that made all the girls' hearts flutter.