Starlight Has No Past

Chapter 28 Part 1

The only sound in the quiet room came from the doctor: “Endorphins are hormones secreted within the brain and nervous system, similar to morphine, and the source of our feelings of euphoria. The human body has the ability to self-regulate, like a complete ecosystem with the ability to self-cleanse. When a person suffers from severe pain or grief, the pituitary gland will automatically secret endorphins making the person feel good to relieve the pain.”

“This is why after strenuous exercise, people will feel very good about themselves, thus the misconception that exercise produces happiness. Actually, it’s because the body lacks oxygen after exercise and the brain activates the protective mechanism to secret endorphin, so the pain can be offset by a cheerful feeling.”

Ye Qiao had been closely listening to the doctor, but she interrupted him here: “So?”

Dr. Wen crossed his fingers and slightly squinted his eyes behind the frameless glasses: “So, Ms. Ye, you have nothing to worry about. All of your desires for self-indulgence are actually coming from long term suppression. It has a lot to do with the history of your heart problem since childhood. Though you can live a normal life like everyone else after your surgery, deep down in your mind you feel you’re different from normal people. Therefore, you’re timid and overcautious, fearful of overstepping boundaries in your daily life.”

He further explained: “Long term suppression of one’s physical and psychological needs will magnify the release of the desire when met with certain circumstances. Breaking apart with a lover, family tragedy, career pressure……, all of these things can be the trigger for you.”

Ye Qiao wasn’t used to his habit of mixing English words in his analysis. Ye Qiao objected: “But I don’t feel happy when I release my desire, they are unbearable to me.”

“Unbearable, agonizing, but you still can’t stop yourself.” Wen Shaoqian smiled since he had seen cases like this before: “That’s the reason you have come here.”

Ye Qiao pressed her lips together tightly.

The doctor continued with his analysis: “If I’m not wrong, Ms. Ye, you had encountered a misfortunate event in your childhood. This event has profound influence on you, but you try to deny it from the bottom of your heart. You probably even feel guilty, but out of self-protection, you have forced yourself to believe that you’re innocent or even pushed the guilt onto somewhere else or somebody else.”

Ye Qiao suddenly looked up with a blank look as she listening to his last few sentences: “However that behavior is inconsistent with your personality. You’re used to self-blame. The normal psychological reaction to avoiding pain or blame is actually making you unable to correctly identify the problem and bogged down in the struggle, makes it unable to pull yourself out of it.”

Memories in the past that she had buried deep down in her mind were now brought to surface one by one. The room became stifling for her, making her hard to breath. She asked in a deep voice: “Is there any way to get me out of it?”

“Simply put, it’s up to the doer to undo the knot.”

Ye Qiao bittered said: “That’s impossible.”

He seldom met a patient who would resolutely tell him it was impossible to follow his suggestions. Wen Shaoqian separated his crossed fingers and raised his eyebrows: “Then, try to look at the problem head on, find a reasonable way to relieve it.”

He was good at ending a session, adding: “Let’s end it here today?”

Ye Qiao put her bag away and stood up to shake his hand: “Then, thank you, doctor.”