Chapter 17: Child

“Well, let’s go.”

Saturday afternoon, Sachi and I met up with Mom at the station.

　I hadn’t seen her in a while, but she seemed to have lost some weight.

　No, it was probably not my imagination. If anything, it might be more accurate to say that she had lost weight.

There was an awkward atmosphere, but Sachi’s presence in the middle of the meeting managed to keep things on an even keel.

　We eventually arrived at a restaurant with a relaxed atmosphere.

　As we took our seats, menus and cold drinks were brought to us.

　Finally, a place where we could talk calmly was set up.

“….Doesn’t this look good? Shuya, you used to like this kind of stuff, remember?”

　Looking at the menu, Mom recommended a dish to me.

　She was right, it was my favorite. I did as she recommended and ordered the dish.

　After that, we remained silent for a while.

　Even under such circumstances, Sachi seemed to be waiting for something without saying anything. It was as if time had stood still.

　Well, I can almost imagine that.

　”—-Shuya, I’m sorry.”

　With one word from Mom, the time that had stopped began to move.

　It was about the time when I had finished half of the food that had been brought to the table.

　”About what?”

　My mother flinched a little at my words.

My voice came out a little colder than I had imagined.

“I’ve been cold to Shuya for a long time. I’ve neglected you all this time. And many other things. And most of all, the things that I have not believed in you. I’m truly sorry.”

　Mom then bowed her head.

　Mom’s voice was even shakier than it had sounded over the phone. She was on the table, so I couldn’t see her expression, but the drops of water on the table told me how she was feeling.

　”I…”

The question is, “What do I do?” I try to formulate words, but I don’t know what to say.

　I must have wanted to. I’ve always wanted this to happen.

　Somewhere in the back of my mind, I must have longed for the day when my mother would believe in me.

　I was on the verge of giving up, but I must have thought that such a day would come.

So when Sachi came to my house, or when my mother invited me today, there must have been a part of me that was happy somewhere in my heart.

After all this, why—-

“After all this time, why now….”

　”….Eh?”

Mom looked up at my words and was trying to find the meaning of those words.

But she didn’t seem to get an answer, so she waited for me to continue.

　”Ah! That’s not it Onii-chan! Wait!”

　Sachi seemed to understand the true meaning of my words and tried to cut me off.

　But I couldn’t stop her any longer.

“Why, why now? In the end, there was no such thing, because it was a mistake!”

　”!”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU AND SACHI TALKED ABOUT. BUT YOU’RE ONLY APOLOGIZING BECAUSE YOU KNOW I DIDN’T BULLY HER! OTHERWISE, THIS DAY WOULD NEVER HAVE COME, AM I WRONG?!”

“Onii-chan! that’s not true!! That’s why….”

　”SHUT UP! SACHI BE SILENT!”

　”Aah…..Onii-chan…”

　With Sachi holding back her tears, I threw everything I had at her.

“WITHOUT A REASON, MOM WOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT! AND YET, I CAN’T JUST ACCEPT IT! YOU KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH!? DON’T YOU!!”

　Mom didn’t seem to be able to say anything in response to my words.

　Was she on to something or was she missing the point? I don’t know.

　But my self-control was already failing me.

“HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW I FELT WHEN I SAW SACHI BEING PRAISED, SEEING SACHI BEING TAKEN OUT TO PLAY!”

“DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME TO SEE MOM CHANGING BEHAVIOUR JUST FOR ME WHEN YOU WEREN’T LIKE THAT IN THE PAST! AND NOW THAT YOU’RE APOLOGIZING, I… WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!!”

I never meant for it to happen this way.

　I was going to forgive my mom. Sachi gave me this opportunity. I thought it was my chance to get back on track.

　In front of her, the things that had been building up in me, the things that I had been holding back in my heart, overflowed.

It became tears and cries, and I threw all of them at the person in front of me.

　Was it because I was still a child that I ended up like this?

Or was I in the wrong?

I thought I was being kept away from her, but wasn’t I the one who shunned her?

But I can’t take back the words that I have said.

　I can’t pretend that my past didn’t happen to me more than anyone else.

　People are forgiven creatures. But I cannot forgive myself.

　No sin can be atoned for unless it is forgiven by others.

　”—I’m sorry, I’m leaving.”

　I left the restaurant without them.

　I thought I had grown up. Leaving my mom, I thought I had become independent.

　But it seems I was wrong.

—-Because I regret so much.

　”…..I should go home.

One person and alone.

Which is the one who push others away?