I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"If you have any trouble, you can come to me and I will do my best to help you." I once said this to that person. Even though I couldn't do anything, I always felt that this was better than doing nothing. So, I can never forget the look in her eyes at that time. As if exhausted, she nodded numbly at me.

"How did it become like that... From someone who should have been cheerful and kind, he gradually became like that, as if he had lost something."

The setting sun slanted down.

The light was blocked by his back, so I couldn't see his face clearly. He must have done it on purpose, to prevent me from seeing his expression.

"And then...what happened to that person?"

"...What's going on..."

With a somewhat defiant tone, he buried his mouth in the scarf again.

"Later, perhaps she couldn't stand their excessive behavior, or perhaps it was... their behavior that led to it. Anyway, she, who had always been obedient and well-behaved, didn't show up to school one day, and she couldn't be contacted at all."

"...Running away from home...?"

"It would be nice if that were the case..."

After leaving this sigh behind, he fell silent again, but his gaze shifted to the building nearby.

"that person..."

. . . . . . .

What exactly is life?

As I buried the already messy body of the sparrow, I couldn't help but think about this question.

How should we measure the value of life?

They definitely wouldn't feel any guilt, right? Even if this sparrow died a more tragic death at their hands, they wouldn't feel a single ounce of sadness, nor would they feel any guilt... But for me, I've been blaming myself and feeling remorseful, and there's also a lingering sense of guilt.

Why don't we have these same thoughts when eating meat? Why don't we have this same resistance when we crush insects to death? Why is it that even if plants, which are also living things, are cut down and ground into powder to be processed into paper for human use, no one would think it cruel?

it's wired.

Even though we know our lifespan is limited, living things will always think about how to survive. Instinctively, we reject the prospect of death.

But why is that...

"By the time we heard the news from the teacher, she had already attempted suicide for several days."

. . . . . . .

"I couldn't save anyone."

Because I am just a mortal.

"Not only that, but she's someone I don't trust. Even though I said, 'Come to me and I'll help you,' it didn't make things any better... No, maybe she didn't take it seriously at all, maybe thought I was just saying it casually. Ah, maybe I really was just saying it casually, because I had no idea what was going on with her, and I had no idea what she was worried about... I didn't think of helping her because she didn't ask for help. So I didn't help her, and I didn't know how to help her."

"..."

"I'm truly weak. I don't have any extraordinary strength, nor the ability to rally others, nor the courage to fight the darkness. I have nothing."

Just a little bit, and there would be no reason for existence.

"And then... after the homeroom teacher announced the news, do you know what he said next?"

It's like he's being sarcastic about something.

"He said..."

"People who don't value their own lives, who forget even their parents' kindness in raising them, and who commit suicide over a minor setback, don't need to be pitied at all."

"It's like she's saying that neither she nor the school has any responsibility at all, that it's all her own fault. She clearly didn't care about anything, had no knowledge of anything, and didn't understand anything... and yet she righteously spouts these sarcastic remarks. It's truly impressive... I can't think of any other way to express it without using profanity."

Those who have done nothing wrong will not get any benefits and may even suffer. However, those who bully others unscrupulously still live an easy life and then look for their next target as usual.

Is school such a strange place?

"So, I hate, I hate those self-righteous educators, I hate schools that prioritize academic advancement, I hate the stains scattered here... But what's the use? I'm still... an ordinary person with absolutely no abilities."

What I can do is just a trivial thing.

"Having realized this, I no longer have the qualifications to call myself a hero or anything like that. So, even after so much time has passed, I still don't know if I still need..."

In the end, I never saved anyone, so maybe it would be better to abandon my immature thoughts like I did in the beginning.

"What are you talking about...isn't this obvious?"

..........

"Of course it is necessary."

I can say this with certainty.

Even though I've never experienced what he described, and he never mentioned it to me before, now I understand how rare it is for him to smile.

"How should I put it... I don't know how to judge what you said. But, I realized that my previous view of you was wrong. I thought things were too simple... And then, subconsciously, I saw you as a stranger with no connection to him, a stranger with only his face... This is wrong. Even if there are some strange things about you, you are still Sheji."

"Of course... I've said that a long time ago. It's just that you don't believe it."

When he said this, he deliberately avoided my sight.

"I'm sorry... I got angry at you without your permission and said something that made no sense."

"It's okay... Actually, I can't tell right from wrong." He subconsciously tugged at his scarf. "It's always been like this. I've pondered this question at various times, and I've always come up with more than one answer. What kind of person you want to be, what kind of life you want, should depend on yourself... But, people can't help but influence others."

"..."

"If only I could have a little more influence. If only I could seem more reliable... If only I could accomplish more..."

“But there are always things that can’t be done.”

On this point, he has a different opinion from that him.

"What's the point of blaming yourself for something that has already happened? Since it's something you can't do, and you have to do it..."

"So can we just turn a blind eye?"

“…”

I really find it difficult to respond to this question.

Having no similar experience, I had no idea how to respond to his question.

"...I don't know..."

薄暮

"Are there any answers? For those things that are confusing."

I had no idea where I was at that moment, surrounded by a pitch-black space. I stared blankly at everything around me, recalling everything I had experienced... I couldn't seem to pinpoint the origin of that experience.

Furthermore, I didn't seem unfamiliar with that sudden voice. If I was not mistaken, the scenes I saw were probably what he had told me to see.

so tired.

I then sat in this strange space.

"The answer... I'm feeling quite lost right now," I replied, silently reaching for my chest. But... I couldn't feel a palpable heartbeat. "Resentment, helplessness, pain, a sense of black humor... all these different emotions are squeezing into my tiny chest, making it really hard to breathe."

"Right, that's why you find everything so troublesome."

In front of me, a guy who looked exactly like me except that his hair was tied up appeared and was sitting opposite me.

"Ah... Are you the old me? Hmm, that statement seems a bit strange... But, anyway, I think I've had this feeling before. But, that guy said he was leaving or something... Are you what he looks like when he grows up?"

I was quite surprised by the guy who suddenly appeared in front of me.

"Okay, okay, I know what you're going to say." He smiled and waved his hand to calm me down. "There are some similarities, but I'm not that guy... However, strictly speaking, we are actually the same. If that short guy is compared to you before, then I am you after."

"Hmm... later? In the future?"

"You can understand it that way." He scratched his cheek, "It's just that I am you without having met Miss Lin, Yehui, Lingcan and all the other people."

"Wow... that sounds a bit surreal..." It felt a little hard to understand, "but those things have already happened. How could you be like this?"

"Then what is reality? Weren't you also immersed in that world before, completely unaware?" He smiled and pointed behind me, "That's me."

"..."

The darkness behind him had vanished.

Instead, I sat in the storage room at home and read various books.

"...This..." I thought carefully, but still couldn't find any similar memories. "Why, I can't remember having such an experience before."

"Of course I don't want you to remember. Some things are better left unremembered, right?"

"..."

"Speaking of which, do you think you are living a happy life now?"

He suddenly asked this question.

"How should I put it..." I thought for a moment, "I guess it's better to call it ordinary."

"It's normal..."

"But." There seemed to be something different. "If I were you, I wouldn't be able to bear it after seeing something like that. So since there's a chance to forget, then being able to forget it would be the greatest happiness for me."

"......"

"So for me, being able to meet all kinds of kind people and see some color in this black and white world... maybe that's enough. If there's no way to fully understand the meaning of darkness, then maybe it's not so bad to live this life blinded by brightly colored flowers."

I looked at him and said slowly.

"......"

However, his reaction was just to stare at me in a trance, unable to utter a word for a long time.

"That..."

"?"

"Then... can we just ignore those things?"

"Of course not," I responded without hesitation. "If I see it, I'll do my best to help."

"How can I help them...? Let them be like you, spending their lives only seeing those so-called flourishing flowers?"

"Yeah. Because that's all I can do."

"..."

"I can't save everyone, and not everyone feels they need to be saved. Instead of trying to stop someone from jumping into the fire, why not look for someone who wants to escape it all? If you're alone, just do what you can. If you think too much... you might go crazy."

"You really are weird."

I don’t know whether the words he said were positive or negative.

"Ok?"

"No, it's nothing." He closed his eyes slightly. "Compared to you, you are indeed more suitable for living in this environment. Although I have always hated to admit it. But now it seems that you are the one who is needed."

"...being needed, aren't you?" I responded helplessly.

"It's hard to say. It's such a troublesome thing." He smiled and stood up. "But after meeting the group of people you know, I feel... there's no way I can go back to being ignored before."

“…”

"Remember to go play baseball with Senior Bai Qiong. I told you I'd catch her ball next time."

"Eh? Have you met her? Anyway, please don't make appointments for me without my permission..."

"And Miss Lin, she seems a little unhappy."

"Hey, you didn't say anything to her, did you?"

However, he didn't answer me. He just smiled and said what he wanted to say.

"And your friend who's a musician, he seems to have written a new song recently. You can help him write the lyrics when the time comes."

"...Liu Yan? I feel like I haven't paid much attention to him recently. But since you mentioned that..."

"The monitor was also a little unhappy for some reason. Even though it was my fault."

"...It's you after all." I feel a little busy.

"You are the deputy monitor now. Remember to collect and distribute homework in the future."

"...Are you trying to kill me?"