I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Uh..."

What does this mean... She posted this for no apparent reason. Well, forget it. Given her emotional intelligence, there's probably no hidden agenda. All I have to do now is respond to her question.

Where should I go first? If I'm going out for fun, the only two options left are karaoke and amusement parks. But I still need to think about where to go first...

"Do you prefer places with many people or places with few people?"

It’s better to ask her opinion first.

"Hmm? You still want to consider my opinion?"

She seemed a little surprised by this.

"Of course. After all, it's just the two of us hanging out together, so your opinion is certainly worth considering."

"Well...actually, I'm not very clear either." As expected, she gave a vague answer.

I had a premonition...but she really doesn't have any opinions of her own. She doesn't think much about her own affairs...

"..."

Well, I don't think I have any right to criticize her on this point. After all, I rarely reflect on or focus on my own affairs. But I can't say I'm like a lamp or a candle... After all, while those objects emit light to illuminate others, they can't illuminate themselves... That's probably the logic. But I don't think what I do can be called "illuminating others." I just do things that others don't want to do.

"Come to think of it, I had a strange feeling just now. It was when you left, Shaji-kun."

"Um...?"

Seeing her indifferent look, it couldn't be some insignificant matter again.

"I felt really uncomfortable in that crowded shop... Hmm, how should I put it? It felt weird... The normal heating felt really irritating. And then, my heartbeat was really rapid, and I could hear it clearly... I couldn't even see clearly around me, but I was just aware of my own existence. But rather than being able to feel myself... it's more like even the feeling of my own existence has become frivolous... Ah, I'm not very good at expressing myself. But even though there are some inconsistencies, and my words are a bit confusing... But, um... is this normal?"

"How can this be normal..."

What kind of natural personality does he have? Even in this situation, he still didn't notice anything?

Hmm? Wait, I just seemed to...

"Eh?"

Seeing her surprised expression, I was sure of it. I could barely speak, and the me who had talked with Ye Hui before, involuntarily returned to my previous state.

"what...."

How can I explain it?

"Is that Mr. Cotton-Floss speaking?"

Her eyes were actually on the doll in my arms.

"Of course not. When did you, ahem, cough, cough... when did you give it a name?"

And what a tasteless name.

"Ah, Sheji...you actually spoke."

Why is her reaction so much stronger than the puppet's? Does she think the puppet is more likely to speak than me? I still can't figure out her train of thought.

"...Well, that's true."

It would be better to admit it openly instead of hiding it from her.

"Well, how should I put it... a medical miracle?"

"of course not..."

Although I didn't want to ruin her fantasy, it would be too strange to continue talking to her according to her plan.

"Eh...."

His tone suddenly became depressed.

Her face, as if drenched in cold water, suddenly froze in its warmth. I knew my expression was strange, but it was truly strange... like someone who had just discovered that the Santa Claus who had been sending her presents for over a decade didn't exist, but was merely a child their parents had left by their bedside while they slept.

"Ahem... This is just a temporary inability to speak... After this period of rest... Although it's still a little difficult, at least I can say a few words now."

I have to say, it feels good to be able to speak normally.

"...Huh? So...Is this what I've been thinking all along?"

"...What do you think..."

I'm quite curious about this.

"I thought you couldn't speak since you were a child."

"On the contrary...I might have said that when I was a kid." And it feels like it could make people annoyed.

"...I thought you didn't have many friends."

"Well, it's a bit embarrassing to say it, but I really don't have many people who can be my friends."

She noticed this. Why? Is it his natural aura? Is it said that people who are not good at making friends have this kind of aura?

"But weren't you just called out by your friends?"

She suddenly gave him a questioning look.

"...Ah, well..." After a moment of hesitation, he finally said, "Actually, I'm not sure if I can call you a friend."

Logically speaking, one shouldn't reveal one's worries to someone one has only known for a few days and who might not have any further contact with them. But... if it's her, it doesn't seem to matter.

Because she obviously knows much less than I do. And...she really doesn't seem to have many friends, so she naturally wouldn't spread other people's privacy.

"Eh? Is there something you don't understand?"

"...Of course there are. And it's not just me, everyone has things they can't understand... It's precisely because there are things we know and things we don't know that we are normal people."

In a nutshell, it is a collection of contradictions.

"...Then, am I normal too?"

With a questioning look and a doubtful tone, she desperately sought answers from me.

“…”

I knew what answer she wanted, and I could get away with it by simply answering what she expected.

"...Most people understand... things they should understand. But, Qiong, you've also said, right? There's still a lot you don't understand... So I feel... that kind of..."

But I don't want to lie.

Unlike before, I don’t want to offer so-called help in a perfunctory manner anymore.

so...

"Hiss——" Inhale.

A subconscious action caused by nervousness.

"...doesn't seem normal."

This is my response.

"Eh...really?"

The response was surprisingly calm.

"...Um."

For some reason, I didn't dare to look at her expression at that moment. And I couldn't imagine that even if I put myself in the situation, I couldn't guess what she was feeling at that moment.

"...No one has ever told me this explicitly. And I've always wondered about it. Whether I'm at school or at home, in my free time, I've always wondered...if I'm different from ordinary people."

"..."

"But the people around me, whether it's my teachers or my adoptive parents... they don't seem to think I'm strange. This makes it even more difficult for me to figure out what kind of person I am..."

"What's going on..." "Are they arguing?" "It doesn't look like..."

As I lowered my head to listen to her, I suddenly noticed that the surroundings were gradually getting noisy. When I looked up, I suddenly realized that we were still in the mall.

But when I looked at Yao Qiong who was still saying something, I discovered the problem.

"So...I'm still glad you said that."

"..."

I do get your thoughts.

But, the difference between this look and what he said... is too big.

Occasionally incomprehensible feelings

To my former self, everything in the world was cruel. Whether it was the tenuous struggle between the weak and the strong, the intertwined web of hypocrisy and desire, or the feigned indifference... everything I saw was merely the ugly side of human nature.

And when I realized that those were just superficial so-called "evil", I couldn't help but feel doubtful. No, rather than doubt, it was more of a feeling of powerlessness.

It's like tripping over a rock on the road, and when you try to move it, you discover it's just a fragment of a nearby mountain. The mountain, unmovable no matter what, is there, yet passersby don't care to pay attention. They're drawn to the flowers and plants along the path, and the bright sunshine. No one considers what the scenery is like behind the mountain's shadow, or the lives of those shrouded in its shadow.

It has been like this since the beginning. No matter how many years pass, that mountain will never disappear from the world.

I wonder how many people have ever reached my perspective. Neither a sage who has scaled the summit, nor a mortal stuck at the bottom. All I see is a glimpse... the ugliness of the world. If I were to climb a little higher, a little further forward, I'd see more clearly, wouldn't I? I kind of wonder what the difference is between the world seen by sages and the world I see.

But I could never reach that level.

So I began to walk slowly down the cliff.

Before that, I reached out and pushed some people off a cliff. I watched them fall into the abyss... but the result was still the same. Those who never consider repentance will never repent until their death, and what I did cannot be called justice... although I have long since given up on that term.

So, I started to walk down the cliff slowly.

No, that wasn't really walking at all, but rather an uncontrollable, rapid run. In a panic, he'd naturally stumble over something, then tumble down, unable to stop...colliding with the protruding mountainside, falling again and again, until he landed at the bottom of the slope.

For me now, everything is gentle and peaceful. Whether it's meeting and understanding each other, laughing and talking, or falling in love and admiring each other, everything I know seems more precious than what others see.

Yet, I vaguely remember that the world I knew wasn't what it was. I also vaguely knew that I would eventually follow a different path from others. What I saw was still the height from which I had fallen.

...keep climbing?

My still-unrecovered body trembled, as if forcing me to ponder this question. After all, everything was so peaceful down the mountain. Furthermore, I kept meeting people I could get along with. And so, for a long time, I walked the same path as everyone else.

However, it won't be long before a decision is made.

Because I received something very important.

Without me, there would be no meaning; without me, I couldn’t do it; without me, I couldn’t move forward…When I realized who I really was, I naturally knew whether I should continue climbing.

...as long as no one wants to follow.

Chapter 29: Occasional incomprehensible feelings

Under a clear sky, raindrops seem to be falling steadily. This phenomenon is generally called a sunshower. Although I have heard of it, I have never actually seen it. This seemingly random scene is just a figment of my imagination.

Yes, it was a very worrying situation. But the first thing that came to my mind wasn't how to comfort or explain anything, but a picture appeared.

"......"

Maybe she didn't even notice it.

As she calmly told me her secrets, which she had never revealed to anyone else, tears began to flow from her eyes. Even as they slowly trickled down her fair cheeks, she remained oblivious.

Although people usually try their best to hide their crying, over the past decade or so, I've always encountered this kind of situation...whether it's crying with my head down, tears of grievance, or tears of joy, the tears are often accompanied by extremely strong expressions.

Yet, her face lacked any strong emotion. More accurately, I couldn't discern any emotional fluctuations. So, to others, she simply seemed to be weeping. But to me, I couldn't discern her true feelings.

"...Huh? What's wrong?"

As if noticing she was being watched, she couldn't help but reveal a puzzled expression. Then, noticing something strange on her face, she reached out and touched the tear marks on her face.

"...Huh? What's going on... What is this..." She turned to me with a puzzled look, "Um... Did you see what happened?"

Such a thing...why are you asking me?

"..."

I don't like seeing girls cry, especially when they're sad... no matter what the reason. However, I hope the girl in front of me can show a hint of sadness on her face, rather than confusion and surprise, which are completely out of place.

Unknown reason.

But looking at her like this, I feel inexplicably uncomfortable. Why is that?

"That's enough, follow me first..."