I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Because right now I'm like a traveler walking in the desert. This way I can probably immerse myself in it...

So, could I tell her the whole story before I passed out? Well, that's none of my business.

Chapter 19 What I Can Give You

Why do people embark on a journey? Different people may have different answers to this question.

The road didn't exist from the beginning, and the person who wants to walk doesn't necessarily have to take that road from the beginning. To put it more philosophically... because the road is there, and because the path you want to take is there. Therefore, let's not discuss the protagonist's reason for embarking on this journey for now.

“—Buzz—Buzz—”

Under the scorching heat, the traveler could only hear a similar sound in his head. It wasn't quite the chirping of cicadas, but it felt like it... intrusive, lingering, and his source was unclear. But he knew there was no way such creatures could exist here... After all, he was traversing a desert plagued by both heat and drought. The only creatures that could possibly survive here were the drought-tolerant cacti and a few venomous, cold-blooded animals.

"Is that really the case? I don't know much about deserts—"

"Uh...."

This isn't the right way to listen to a story. No matter how much you question or doubt the story's plausibility, it's best not to interrupt it before it's even started. It's incredibly difficult to reconnect once your train of thought is interrupted. Fortunately, I didn't intend to tell a complete story, so I decided to just chat with her.

"Don't you watch much TV? Some channels often show clips about nature and animals..." The opening theme music would play in my head whenever I mentioned similar topics. "It's surprising that people are interested in species other than their own, and it's not just about eating. Although many animals are killed by humans... some people actually feel regret for the loss of living things. It's really... puzzling..."

Most creatures only do things that benefit their own species. Perhaps only humans can pay attention to the behavior of different species, regardless of their own interests.

"Is that so... I don't have any similar experience."

"...It's better not to have such a thing."

When a person thinks about his relationship with life, he must have experienced something that shocked his three views, or he must have realized something that was a great blow to him.

"Oh, I'll try my best."

"...Don't force yourself." She said she'd try hard... If someone could truly stop themselves from thinking about something, it would only be if they didn't know it existed. For people, not knowing something is the same as not having existed.

"Oh... Come to think of it, I actually fell asleep yesterday. Although I was woken up by the alarm clock not long after..."

"Why set an alarm if you can't sleep normally?"

"...Because everyone else does it. It's normal, so I don't think there's anything abnormal about me doing it... Eh, is it okay to do this?"

"No...as long as you're happy." I was simply curious. "By the way, what did you dream about..."

Is it not polite to ask someone about their dreams? After all, it's about their privacy... is it really private?

"Well, maybe it's because of the story you told me, Sheji. I dreamed of the night sky... I could even see the stars twinkling."

"...Oh, this is true..."

She had thought she'd have some interesting dreams. But when she thought about it, she realized that even those dreams she'd thought were interesting at the time would be completely forgotten by the time she washed her face. So, for someone who'd never had dreams or even couldn't sleep, just having this different experience was already a joy.

I felt a little relieved... It seemed she wasn't suffering from any particular illness. If I had to speculate, it was probably a psychological issue.

“It feels good to be able to dream, right?”

"Yeah, it feels really good~ No wonder people take so long to sleep, it turns out dreams are so incredible..."

“…”

I don't think people sleep for dreams. It's simply because, as animals, we need to rest, and dreams are just a side effect of the sleep process... It's like sprinkling sugar into tasteless warm water. It's a flavoring, something that helps people avoid something as dull and meaningless as sleep. Indeed, for me, the purpose of sleep is simply to maintain health; anything else is a waste of time.

"Indeed... no matter what the ending is, as long as it's explained as a dream, it suddenly makes a lot more sense. After all, anything can happen in a dream. Even if this makes people dissatisfied with the ending, there will be no complaints about the rationality of the plot."

When you think about it this way, an ending that uses dreams as an excuse is really the first choice for a work with a bad ending.

"...I don't quite understand what you're saying when you suddenly mention this."

"Sorry... If you don't understand, just pretend I didn't say anything." I just couldn't help but want to complain about what happened in the creative field.

"...It feels like Sheji is very different from ordinary people."

She suddenly brought this up, and I didn't know how to respond. If I said it was true, wouldn't that seem a bit too narcissistic? But I also didn't want to admit I was just like everyone else.

"why would you say so?"

"Because even when people around me talk to me, they just ask how I solved the problem. They never bring up such things—"

"I see..."

It seems that she is simply treated as a top student by her classmates.

"The most common thing I heard was, 'Yao Qiong, you can sleep in class and still get such high scores, you're amazing!' I know they're complimenting me, but for some reason, I just can't seem to be happy at all."

"...I feel the same way."

If you point out someone's shortcomings and strengths together, it turns out that the person concerned is most concerned about his or her own shortcomings.

"Sheji, you study very well, but you can't help but fall asleep in class?"

"...Uh, half and half—"

I just couldn't help falling asleep in class.

"Ah, then it seems we have quite a few similarities."

"It's good that you think so..."

Finding a sense of commonality can reassure those who previously felt isolated and helpless. It's like getting a bad grade and then discovering someone else with a similar score—even if they're inevitably beaten up, they still remember they're not the only one experiencing this. Therefore, to make a normal person feel happy, you don't actually need to feel truly happy... you just need to see others who are worse off than you. To put it nicely, it's like remembering the bitter past and cherishing the sweet future... When you see someone else's plight, your first reaction is to be thankful they haven't experienced it—but you never wonder why others have to, or why they have to endure such hardship.

“Is it normal to think like that?”

"...Yeah, sort of."

Regarding her constant concern about what is normal and what is abnormal, I have actually wanted to ask her a long time ago. Why does she care about such things?

"Great~ I thought I was doing something unusual."

She sounded relieved. But why was she so nervous during the conversation? Even if she was swearing at me now, I couldn't possibly go to her house to settle the score... Well, although this analogy is a bit unreasonable, the cautiousness she displayed during the conversation completely contradicted the sense of security she had displayed earlier.

"...Hey, this may seem a bit awkward, but can I ask you a question?"

If only it were that easy to figure out...

"Sure, just ask me anything. But I don't know much, and most of it is from textbooks..."

"It's not that kind of question...it's about you."

"Eh? About me?"

"Hmm. You're so concerned about what's normal and what's abnormal...why exactly? Even if you do something a little strange or say something odd, no one will blame you, right?"

I finally asked her calmly, one of the questions I'd been wondering about since we'd started talking. I hoped she'd respond calmly, too... though my intuition told me that wasn't likely.

"...Actually...that..."

"Ah, did I say something I shouldn't have? Sorry..."

The mood over there was clearly fluctuating. I could hear her panting due to nervousness, and her speech became incoherent.

"No... this, it's not... it's just because... that, I feel... my heart is beating so fast..."

"...It's okay, it's okay, don't force yourself to think about that kind of thing--"

Strange feeling.

She wasn't in front of me, and I couldn't touch her at all. Even when we talked on the phone, it was only in our separate rooms, lying on our own beds, talking on our phones.

But when I noticed something was wrong with her, I involuntarily changed from lying down to half-squatting, as if this would make my speech clearer—at that moment, I had forgotten that I was still troubled by the headache and muscle fatigue caused by the high temperature—but the reality was that, apart from being able to talk to her, I could do nothing else.

"Relax...think about something else, ah, think about when we went shopping together."

At this moment, there was only one sentence in my mind.

"...Um...Um...At that time..."

This is because of me.

"That's right, you waited for me for a long time at that time, didn't you feel angry?"

At this time I clearly realized that it was all my fault.

He knew this question would cause a stir, and he knew she had strong resistance to memories of the past, but he still asked it without hesitation, just for his own sake, without even considering her reaction.

"...No, because this is my first time waiting for someone... So, I'm just worried about what kind of thick clothes you'll wear in such cold weather..."

"I see... Thank you for your concern."

Compared to them, I am simply...

After my guidance, her good mood seemed to begin to stabilize.

"...Nothing...I just thought...something like this might be rare...so I tried a little harder--"

"Hearing you say that makes me feel happy. Caring for others is a good thing, so please keep it up."

"Uh-huh..."

"How do you feel now? Is your heartbeat still... still that fast?"

"..It's still pretty quick...but it's not as painful as before. I'm sorry for worrying you, I don't know what's going on..."

"It's okay, don't think about it anymore."

In the end, what I was doing didn't actually lead to any improvement. It was just out of curiosity... No matter who it was, the reason for contact was simply curiosity.

"OK, all right."

For people like this...

"Do you still have that guy you grabbed from the claw machine?"

"Of course... because I caught it that day~"

"That's good." A smile appeared on the corner of my mouth. Do I care about this kind of thing? "Well, hold it in your arms. It might be better this way."

"Oh...ok, I'll just put Mr. Cotton-lint by the bed."

"Yeah, this will make you feel more at ease when you sleep at night, right?"

Is this considered caring? He just kept talking to her, completely lacking the ability to help her... Is this the only way to helplessly avoid the incident he caused, relying on luck?

"Ah, now that you mention it...it seems to be true."

"...That's good."

It seems... there should be no problem for now. And I also realized that for her, the thing she can't touch is her past - although past experiences have engraved certain habits on her body, she herself is unaware of it.

"...I accidentally strayed off topic. I was clearly telling you a story, but I ended up mentioning a lot of irrelevant things."

And she certainly doesn't want to recall these things one day, right? Because she is quite repulsive to such things, and is quite afraid of these memories... Therefore, not recalling them is a happy thing for her.

"It's okay. As long as I can talk to you, Shaji, it's a good thing for me. As for the topic, I don't care that much."

"...That's good."

I had been in a state of tension, but after hearing her tone return to normal, I could finally relax.

"...Well then, let's continue the story you just interrupted at the beginning—"

Will she be able to easily forget what just happened? I don't know. But I think she probably doesn't know why she reacted this way, so she should be able to forget it after a while.

And no one needs to mention it yet.

"Eh? Is it because I interrupted you? I'm so sorry..."

"It doesn't matter. We can still continue the story."

But I won't forget it. It was the first time I truly felt I'd done something wrong. Even if I could have undone it, a lingering sense of regret lingered, along with a glimpse of a different outcome...what if, in that state of stress, she couldn't hear me?

"I understand. I won't interrupt your story casually from now on."

"Don't be shy... If anything comes up that you're not clear about, just ask and I'll explain."

To be on the safe side, it's better to let her have a normal conversation with me. After what happened just now, I am now completely worried about her.

"Will this really not lead the topic too far?"

"I can't rule out this possibility...but what does it matter?"

If the so-called happiness and joy she can get is based on something as simple as having a conversation with me, then why shouldn't I satisfy her? After all, this matter is very simple for me.

"No matter where the topic leads, I will continue chatting with you... Don't worry."

Gradually began to change