I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

"Sheji just guessed it by chance." Ye Hui still believed in reality more. Although I have begun to have some doubts about the reality I am in now.

"Yeah... I just thought someone like you who has his own hobbies would definitely have extraordinary ambitions." It seemed his hallucinations had a predictive effect, and he suddenly felt it was amazing. "After all, making clothes by yourself is very busy."

"Yeah...eh? Have I ever told you about this?" Ye Hui suddenly realized this and froze as if he was recalling a memory.

"...No need to hide it anymore. You must be someone with superpowers, right?" Feng Rongqing suddenly leaned forward. "Is your ability information reading or telepathy? Or maybe out-of-body experience?"

"...This is too outrageous. I don't have that kind of ability." But I don't dislike this character who seeks the incredible everywhere.

"Well, although I'm a little disappointed to hear you say that... But this is enough. Anyway, you are just like me, you are definitely not the kind of person who would make people feel bored."

"...Thank you for the compliment."

"Okay, enough small talk. Actually, I came here for something else besides visiting the patient..." She glanced at me and said, "Can I ask you..."

"...You have something else to ask of me?!" Am I still stuck in my own hallucination?

"What do you mean by 'again'?" they both asked me in unison.

"Hmm? No? Did I remember it wrong?"

It's a bit embarrassing, I'd better pretend to be confused and get away with it.

"I'm not asking you to do anything...it's just that everyone in the class has been measured for their clothes, except for yours. I'd like you to help me measure them." She pulled a tape measure from her pocket. "If you have any special requests for decoration, please let me know now. This is a special favor for you."

"..." It was a familiar conversation. "No thanks. I don't like to attract attention, so I don't require any special decorations."

"That's it..."

"Hmm." Then something suddenly occurred to me. "By the way, if possible, please make my collar less tight."

Even so, there are still things that cannot be done

After that, Ye Jin also came to visit me.

Compared to the others, she didn't seem overly concerned. She simply dropped off something for me, chatted for a bit, and then left. If I were to respond seriously, the only difference was that she said less mean things to me. Even when I tried to provoke her, she didn't say the same things she used to.

Then during dinner, my mother told me that Ye Jin was actually very panicked when she heard that I was hospitalized. She kept crying during my coma and only stopped when I woke up.

Well, this kind of bluntness is quite annoying. And the reason she stopped telling me to "die a few times" is probably because I was almost unconscious... I don't really feel anything for that sort of thing.

Compared to clearly seeing something piercing my body, being in a coma and dying wasn't as stressful. And to say I was dying was a bit of an exaggeration... If it weren't for the freezing temperature, it probably wouldn't be a big deal.

All in all, I am satisfied to know that she is still very concerned about the safety of me, her elder brother.

"...Yeah, it tastes okay."

By the way, the supplements Linquanchuan ordered for me have arrived. They appear to be a dessert made with donkey hide gelatin and red dates... While it's usually consumed by women to nourish yin and blood, since I'm anemic, a little bit shouldn't be a problem. It won't do any harm to my health anyway.

So I put them in my mouth and chewed them like dessert. By the way, I tried eating bananas and dates together. Then I was so moved that I decided to smash Sun Hao's head on the spot when I saw him again.

"what...."

Although I don’t think there’s any meaning in living like this, on the other hand, it’s not boring either... At least there are things I’ve never eaten before that I can try.

Chapter 2 Even so, there are still things that cannot be done

Actually, raising a child is quite troublesome.

When I was a child, I wanted to learn how to peel apples like my parents but accidentally hurt my fingers. When I was a little older, I argued and fought with others. Then, when I was in my naughty period, I jumped around without caring about the danger. When I was young and inexperienced, I ran to places far away from home. I risked crossing the green light that was about to turn red for a few seconds. I crossed the road without looking left or right. I fell and hurt my knee when learning to ride a bicycle. I was beaten by gangsters for meddling in other people's business. My parents were called to school because of trivial matters at school... After I had saved up food, clothing, housing and transportation, I suddenly realized that I was such a worrying person.

I don't know how much this hospital stay will cost. If I were to die like this, my parents would be devastated... No sane parent would want to see a teenager, almost an adult, die without having accomplished anything.

If you really encounter that...how would you feel?

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!”

I still can't forget the scene at that time.

As an outsider, I watched her only body left in this world rot away in accordance with the laws of the world. Even though I had once received her kindness, even though I still wanted to help her, even though I had once longed for her endearing appearance, when I saw that scene and smelled the stench of decay caused by the high temperature, I still had a physiological reaction and involuntarily wanted to vomit the contents of my stomach.

But her parents who rushed to the scene did not react in the same way. They wanted to rush over to their daughter's body, but were stopped by the police who had already arrived at the scene.

"You can leave the hospital."

The doctor's words suddenly interrupted my thoughts. I looked towards the door and saw that my parents had come with the doctor.

"Sheji, are you feeling okay?" "Do your legs and feet feel okay?"

"Well, it's okay."

I don’t know how they felt when I was still in a coma...but according to my thinking, if I put myself in the shoes of a parent, I’m sure they will regret it.

From regretting not paying attention to my child, I kept regretting it until I regretted giving birth to it.

"...This time it's all thanks to Ye Hui who found you." "Yeah, I think this girl treats you very well." "Next time, turn on your ringtone, and try not to go home alone after going out." "Pay attention to your nutritional balance and stop being picky about food."

"I also want to thank Miss Lin for the supplements she sent me." "I also want to thank those who came to see you at school..."

"I see. You still have work to do, so get to it."

I listened to so many words of advice along the way that I felt like my head was about to explode. I thought they would be angry about what I did this time, but I didn't expect their attitude to be so... gentle.

"...I'm not busy, I'll just take you to school." "Yeah, that way I can feel a little more at ease."

"..."

Was it because I was thinking about that time in elementary school when they didn't have time for me? It was very uncomfortable at the time, but after getting used to it, it became completely okay. Besides, even though my life hasn't been smooth, I've managed to make it this far, so I think I should be fine.

"It's okay, it was just an accident. I'll pay attention." I insisted that they go back to work, "otherwise I won't be able to concentrate on class."

Although I haven't attended any classes, I'm used to walking alone, and I still feel uncomfortable when someone accompanies me, especially my parents.

Anyway, I persuaded them to go to work as usual. However, I didn't want to rush to school right away... On the one hand, it was lunchtime at school, and on the other hand, according to Ye Hui's request, I would have tried to enter the school as late as possible.

"...What happened next?"

..........

After that incident, as if to cover up something, or perhaps because the dead were considered unlucky, the abandoned building was finally razed to the ground. In recent years, no one remembered what had happened here, and another building was built on its site.

Now, people come and go here, and the remote, deserted path I remembered is no longer there. What can I say? Faced with the tangible changes in the environment, I suddenly remembered that around this time last year, Jiayin, who had returned, and I went to look for the house she once lived in, only to find that it had been renovated.

When you find that you can't see the scenes in your memory...is this what it feels like?

I couldn't help but put my hand on my chest. At that time, I couldn't understand her feelings, but I just felt that her tears were heartbreaking.

Is my mood now the same as Jiayin's mood at that time... Staring blankly at the street where pedestrians were constantly passing by, I suddenly realized how disturbing it was to have memories of the past.

But I couldn't cry. More accurately, I wouldn't allow myself to do that again. It wasn't that crying was a weak act, it was simply meaningless. Whether I was moved or sad, even if I couldn't show it on my face, it didn't matter; as long as I could feel it clearly, that was enough.

..........

"Are you okay now?" Senior Sun asked with concern after seeing me push the door open.

"From the time I returned to school, to the classroom, and now here, every time I meet someone who knows me, I have to answer this question." I couldn't help scratching my head. "It's okay for those who didn't come to visit me, but why are you asking me when you already went yesterday?"

"...It's polite," he said, seemingly unselfconsciously. "You should ask anyway. Your physical condition yesterday isn't necessarily the same as your physical condition now."

This actually makes a lot of sense.

"So do you think you were the same person you are now, ten years ago?"

"Of course not... I was only that tall back then, and I didn't know as much as I do now, let alone be more sensible." He closed the script in his hand slightly. "And it's not just now. In ten years, when I look back at myself now, I'll feel like a completely different person."

"...Even so, I don't want to respond to the same question twice - not to mention that your question is already ranked 20 or 30 times higher." I responded angrily.

"Well, then I won't ask. Since you look so energetic, there shouldn't be any problems." He paused briefly, looked at the script, and placed it in front of me. "Then, could you demonstrate a scene from the script? After all, you're the author, and we're still a little confused about the specifics of some parts."

"...Where? Let me see." I'd actually be happier if they'd asked directly, without paying attention to my body. As a generally low-key person, I don't really want to be singled out for anything. "Is it here?... Actually, some works can be cross-referenced. The emotions here can roughly be compared to Henry V... It's basically passionate and intense, trying to convey that feeling to the audience. But this also depends on the actor's understanding of the role."

Although the writer has indeed created vivid characters, in order for the characters to be deeply rooted in people's hearts and sublimated, it must rely on the actors' skills.

"...Well, we're just amateurs anyway, so we don't have to be so perfect." I don't want to be too strict with them. As long as they can finish the performance smoothly without mispronouncing the lines or expressing the wrong emotions, that's fine.

"How can this be possible? Weren't your requirements quite strict last year?"

"How do you know when you're not here? If you don't know, please don't talk nonsense." I responded impatiently.

"But our members all said that... that even though you're not very familiar with things here, they can see your enthusiasm for this matter, and your unique insights into performance... that you're actually quite suitable for acting."

"Forget about showing up in public. I won't do it."

"Then show us how you think this part should be performed. Otherwise, we have no idea what to use as a reference." He really knows how to give me a hard time. But it doesn't matter. The people here are familiar with each other anyway, so it's okay to indulge a little bit...

However, I suddenly wanted to play opposite someone. One of the roles was actually designed based on her personality. If she could see it, she would definitely ask for it and give it her all... Unfortunately, she returned to her country of birth without me even realizing it.

What is she doing now...

"Are the costumes ready?" I looked at the script and asked the senior beside me, "I want to try them on and experience what it's like to actually be on stage."

"...Didn't you say you didn't like this kind of thing?"

"It's okay to just try it out within the team. I won't be on stage in the end anyway," I said as I prepared to change. "Besides, I recently remembered that besides giving up, I should try everything I haven't tried before."

"...This is a really hard idea to wrap your head around."

"I just don't want to miss out on anything that can add to my experience. That doesn't sound too negative, does it?"

"I think you're quite motivated." He seemed to agree with me.

"Aha, how is that possible." I had no motivation at all...my mind was just full of sudden ideas.

. . . . . . .

When the young man named Yi Sheji put on his perfectly fitting costume and makeup and stood on the stage used for the club's performance, and was shone by the spotlight as a test, everyone suddenly realized that he, who they had always considered unkempt, did not look out of place at all when he was ready and on stage.

He didn't have the nervousness of a debut stage performance, nor the timidity of being stared at. It was as if he had been summoned by the stage to perform. As he stood in his fixed position, waiting for the scene to change behind the scenes, he seemed to merge with the stage in silence.

Afterwards, the members who put down their equipment and scripts and gathered around to watch his demonstration might not be able to forget the following scenes in a short time.

As he waited for someone to prompt him to begin, he simply closed his eyes tightly. His slightly parted lips revealed that he was trying to regulate his breathing. As for his current mood or thoughts, no one knew. He looked as profound as darkness, untouched by light.

When the prompt sounded, he suddenly opened his eyes. Perhaps it was because of the spotlight, but the people present seemed to see a glimmer of light suddenly flash in his eyes.

"What on earth should be granted? Everyone present...! Please, right now, loudly express your dissatisfaction with me—!"

Only then did they realize he didn't have a script in his hands. Even if he wrote it entirely himself, reciting the lines he had written down would still take time. But was he really taking them seriously? Although everyone was puzzled, the doubt didn't linger for long, as his performance continued.

"Oh~ What did I hear? It's the silence of the universe that has lasted for tens of billions of years. Well, since you won't speak, then I will use my own words to tear through this dead silence that makes even breathing uncomfortable for me!"

The pauses are perfectly timed, the mockery of other planets in the first half is impeccable, and the outburst of tone at the end directly opens the climax of the entire monologue.

"Like you, I once ran endlessly around that unchanging orbit. Every time I returned to my starting point, the doubts within me grew like a grain of sand dropped into the vast ocean. If anyone asks why I question it now, my answer is... that ocean of doubt has been filled with my anger! Now I wonder, if I'm destined to run, why do I have to follow this almost unchanging orbit, instead of moving forward with those stars dragging their long wings of light!"

Then, he glared at Ling Yibian, as if someone was standing right before him. His eyes were blazing, as if burning with fire, and his tone was full of rebuke for the person he was facing.

"You're a hypocrite, relying solely on the radiance of stars to deceive the world! Reflection is supposed to be a blessing bestowed upon the Earth, blocking the starlight that has traveled billions of years to this point, yet it's completely incapable of transmitting warmth to the Earth like the stars. Yet you shamelessly gloat over this undeserved admiration from humanity?! If I were you, I'd quickly break free from the embrace of that planet and wander into the endless depths of the universe. Whether it's a meteorite belt or a mutually devouring supernova, each spectacle is a million times more beautiful than this humble planet!"

Watching Sheji, who seemed to be genuinely scolding someone, Senior Sun, who was watching from the audience, suddenly recalled his recent encounter. The fire in his eyes and the powerful aura emanating from his frail bodies when he saw those actors who didn't take their performance seriously were remarkably similar to what he was experiencing now.

"And you?! You're just staying in one place, wasting your life. Don't you feel your body gradually collapsing, don't you feel that you're gradually losing yourself?! After that, you will expand many times more than you are now, and those who have benefited from your grace will no longer have any admiration for you, but will find ways to destroy you. Instead of listening to a few more nice words here, instead of wanting to shine and heat up, why don't you run to the black hole and share your light with it? Oh, I see. You are worried that even if you can no longer shine one day, it will still be unsatisfied, right? Then why do you put on an attitude of being immortal and superior! There is no need to threaten me. In my eyes, you are nothing. If you really have the guts, come and wander the universe with me."

Although he was quite vulnerable to women, that was simply out of respect for them. He never placed too much weight on anyone's position. In fact, what he wrote wasn't simply about the dialogues and conflicts between planets... but rather his own struggles against those things in the world he disliked.

It must be like this.

As Senior Sun watched Sheji on the stage becoming more and more immersed in the role, he became more and more certain of this.

"Get restless! Planets that are constantly running like me—your hearts all yearn for the freedom to run as they please! And not this stupid behavior like a hamster wheel. What binds you is not that damn gravity, but the shackles in your hearts—this shackle has existed since you were formed, and it has existed for billions of years. Why don't you think about getting rid of it? Just because others endure it, you can endure it too? Well, I have to say now... I can't bear it anymore! This shackle is shackled to my ankle, constantly wearing away my flesh and bones. Even if it were for hundreds of millions, tens of billions of years, I would never be able to adapt to this pain!"

At this point, the demonstration concluded. Sheji, completely immersed in the performance, now had beads of sweat on his forehead. His lines were perfectly aligned with the script, and his emotional expression was so precise it could serve as a standard template for the cast to follow.

"... is it over?" "It seems so..." "I thought he was about to finish his performance." "That's great..." "Why not just go on stage?" "Did you record it..." "Of course I did, so I can use it when recruiting new people..."

Looking at Yi Sheji who was constantly adjusting his breathing on the stage with fatigue in his eyes, everyone was stunned for a moment and then started applauding.

"Huh...Huh...Excuse me for the embarrassing performance."

After bowing to the audience, Sheji casually walked off the stage.

........

"Actually, at first I didn't understand why you wrote this script and insisted that we perform it. Now I understand."

Senior Sun, who had been waiting by the side, saw me changing into my clothes and wiping the sweat off my face as I walked towards him, and said something that seemed to have been held back for a long time.

"Oh? How did you understand that?" In fact, this kind of topic is basically just for asking questions, so just don't get too involved.

"...Judging from how devoted you were in your performance, you definitely didn't just write this script casually; you definitely had a purpose. But I didn't notice it when the other actors were acting... Perhaps it's because your tone and demeanor weren't quite right." He flipped through the script again. "No wonder. You weren't actually writing about a planet that defies fate, defies worldly rules, and yearns for freedom. You were writing about yourself. So, no one else could possibly act out your performance."

"...What nonsense are you talking about?" I objected to this statement. "Haven't you heard about the time when Chaplin entered a self-imitation competition and came in fifth?"