I, who advocate giving up, feel like a disqualified person

Are there clear answers in the world? It seems there's no clear answer to this question. It could be argued that there are, because formulas and science always have rigid standards... However, some things related to feelings and emotions lack clear answers.

"..I still don't quite know what I want."

“…I see.”

Her voice was slightly lost.

"But I can say I love the feeling of picking up a paintbrush." ​​I slowly brought my hands together, touching the calluses forming on my fingertips. "It's like I'm accumulating something. This sense of stability is completely different from before. Maybe it's because of the increasing number of calluses on my fingers, I feel like I've changed a lot."

"..."

"But I also seem to be afraid of change. This contradictory mentality makes it difficult for me to make a judgment."

"You're afraid of change... but it seems to me that you've changed a lot." She sighed helplessly, "You've become much more introverted than when you were a child. What happened?"

"...when I was little?"

"It seems you really have forgotten." Her gaze returned to my face. "Well, no wonder. After all, we haven't been in touch since we moved, so it's normal for you to forget me. But I've always remembered the promise... that you would take me to see the stars."

"..wasn't that a dream?"

I always thought that things like having a childhood sweetheart and making a promise were all just figments of my imagination. I never imagined this could actually be real? And the person I made the promise with was actually right in front of me?

"Oh, you really are..."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just think this kind of thing is unlikely to happen to me, plus it happened so long ago. And Ye Hui, you didn't tell me about it right away... Ahhh, this incident is too shocking. I can't even think straight now..."

"Actually, Sheji, you don't need to be so excited..."

"No, no, no! Actually, you're the reason I'm afraid of change."

Oh, I accidentally said that. It's all because of my brain overheating.

"..Eh? Is it related to me?"

Ye Hui seemed to be shocked by my sudden words.

"...this..."

My heart is beating so fast... and my cheeks are getting hot. Am I shy, or nervous... maybe a bit of both?

In this atmosphere, I racked my brains to think of how to respond.

"...It's been a long time."

"...What?"

"I mean...after that, I've been used to being alone for a long time."

Nearly ten years had passed, yet it felt like a century... and it was as if she hadn't appeared in my memory. Dreams, fantasies, and even vague responses intertwined, making it impossible to discern whether anyone had been present at the very beginning.

When I came to my senses, I was still alone.

"...If I don't communicate with others, there won't be conflicts, and there won't be too many intersections. Others won't have expectations of me, and I won't let them down."

"..."

"..But recently, because of you, I've slowly started to feel like I should do something...and like something. I've gradually developed a glimmer of longing for the future, and I feel like there's still fun to be found in this world."

"..."

"But this is only after I met you. If the three years of high school are over, will I still be like this? No one can guarantee it... If I get used to having you around, and we graduate and go our separate ways, I might go back to my old ways."

"..."

“So, I’m wondering if I need to make a change…”

"Since that's the case," she suddenly interrupted me, looking at me seriously. "Since you feel you can't leave me, then try to keep me by your side, how about that?"

"..."

Eh? Eh... Hmm? Wait... could this be...

"You are also a very important person to me, Sheji."

"Well..."

This means... no?

"Although you seem a little lacking in confidence and unhappy now, I can sense that there's something in your eyes that hasn't changed." She paused. "But I don't like people who are that decadent, so please try to avoid them."

"So, how did you see that..." What was in my eyes? Why didn't I notice it before?

"Don't worry about such things...Anyway, are you willing to accept my proposal?"

There wasn't a strong light source nearby, so it was a little hard to make out her expression. But I could guess she was asking me with a smile... with her usual smile.

"...If, if I could do that."

I have to say that the current development of things is quite beyond my expectations.

"There's no such thing as ifs. If you've made up your mind, you should say it with confidence."

"Oh, then... I'll try my best."

Anyway, that's it.

If I don't have anything in particular that I care about, and I'm worried about where to focus my attention after I get tired of painting, and I hate continuing to live a muddled life... then I can still try to keep my eyes focused on her as much as possible.

"...Well, it's settled then."

So far, I, who am used to being alone, constantly negative and gradually decadent, seem to have found a place to stay.

"Please take care of me in the future."

"Of course."

The story after this.

The story between her and me should be more tortuous and longer.

Whether looking back or looking around

Are there people who maintain their original curiosity about everything and are tireless in their pursuit?

I don't think there are such people in the world.

From freshness to familiarity, and then to boredom, no one can maintain their original attitude towards a thing. Just like, it is impossible for a person to always treat the things around him with a mindset full of curiosity and unknown like a baby.

Things that are commonplace, things that happen in a hurry, things that cannot be explained but exist safely, things that are troublesome and complicated, things that cannot be avoided... After spending more than ten years growing up, I really can't imagine how to maintain the original perspective to look at them.

Moreover, what can we do even if we don’t forget our original intention?

Mentality alone won't solve problems. In a world where strength, not mindset, is everything, even the most righteous mindset, effective? Can you stand up to those who manipulate others? Can you stand up to those who exploit loopholes and yet repeatedly succeed? Can you stand up to those who disregard the rules?

These questions constantly force me to consider whether I should stick with my original idea. When doubts arise within me, questions I can't figure out on my own, how many people are there by my side, worrying about me?

I believe everyone will have a different answer, but the answer I have seems to be the only one.

No.

【Meet.Love】 Whether looking back or looking around

It has been half a month since the start of school, and in the past two weeks, I have been pretending to be asleep to avoid the end of get out of class, so I don’t know anyone in the class, and almost no one remembers me...except the guy in charge of collecting homework.

"Hey...Hey, wake up."

"...The homework is already on the table." I responded without even looking up.

"That's not it...it's the homeroom teacher who asked you to go to the office."

"..." His tone didn't sound deceptive, so I raised my gaze a little and looked at the guy's face. "Do you really want me to go?"

"That's what the teacher said..." It doesn't look like a lie.

I thought no one would notice, but I ended up acting like a troubled teenager, and my homeroom teacher noticed. Maybe it would be better to do some activities during recess? With that in mind, I followed the direction the guy pointed and made it to my homeroom teacher's office.

"Report."

I really don't want to say this kind of word... It feels like I'm deliberately trying to attract attention. By avoiding attention, I can avoid most troubles, and avoiding trouble gives me a brief sense of peace... Once I get serious, I start thinking about a lot of things, but my brain performance is a bit poor, which gives me the illusion of being lazy - even though I don't hate laziness.

"Oh...it's you, the one who lies on the table as soon as get out of class is over."

"..." I think as a homeroom teacher, I wouldn't casually say the word "guy" to a student.

On a related note, this homeroom teacher seemed much younger than the one I had in junior high school...she looked only about 30 years old. Because her speaking style just now was not pretentious, I had a somewhat favorable impression of her.

"Is there anything wrong? ...Teacher." But I still wanted to avoid trouble as much as possible.

"I called you here this time because I actually have two things to tell you. Um... Sheji-san." She glanced at the roll call and said my name. "Well, the first thing is that I noticed..."

I guess she's trying to get me to stop being so inactive after class and try to make friends. Even though she doesn't look very old, any teacher would definitely just say something like this...

"You seem bored."

"..."

"Well, actually, after noticing you constantly hunched over the table, I became a bit interested in you," she said, pulling out a few things that looked like rosters. "After checking your admission scores and recent tests, I'm even more convinced... Your academic performance isn't really a cause for concern. It's just that your mental state doesn't look good to me. To put it in an analogy, it's like seafood left in a plastic bag during unloading. Lack of water has left both your mental and physical state in a precarious state."

"Isn't your metaphor a little too weird?" At this point I couldn't help but complain.

"Nothing much... Anyway, I just wanted to confirm what you think about high school life, Shaji-kun. It's only been half a month, but you should have formed your own opinion, right?"

"...It feels... no different than before."

Whether in elementary school or middle school, so-called groups have long been formed. Perhaps children are indeed born innocent, but once they grow up with their parents and are old enough to think, they naturally learn how to exclude those who are different from them, how to use cold violence against those they dislike, and even how to use their strong physique to bully the weak.

It started in elementary school anyway, so it was surprising that it stopped in high school. So, in fact, the school environment didn't change much from the beginning.

"Really? There's no difference... Actually, I've been a teacher for three years, and this is my first time as a homeroom teacher. When I was a teacher, I thought all the students were pretty much the same... But once I took on a different role, I felt like a lot of things changed."

"ha..."

Why would she talk so much about herself to a student like me? Even if it was to show affinity, I think there are other ways.

"So you must not have encountered anything that could change you."

"...How could such a thing happen so easily?" I squinted my eyes and retorted coldly.

"Well, that's the second thing I want to say." She suddenly changed the subject. "I have an opportunity here that might give you a chance to change."

"..."

Looking at her harmless expression, I didn't know what to say for a moment. Because in my opinion, the first thing she said about me was not a problem at all... and I didn't intend to change anything.

"You won't refuse anyway, right?"

"..." After hearing what she said, it became even harder for me to say such words even though I had originally wanted to refuse. "Just for the time being, what is it?"

“It’s actually a very simple thing.”

"..." The more you say this, the less I believe it.

"It's just to pick someone up, it's simple. And you don't really want to stay in the classroom, do you?" She lowered her voice deliberately. "I can specially allow you to come back to school later. Just come back before the last class in the afternoon."

I'm starting to wonder if she's actually been a teacher for three years. But considering it's only around eleven in the morning, having an afternoon to wander around outside of school during class is a real luxury for me.

"That person's personality shouldn't be too troublesome, right?" I still wanted to confirm it just to be on the safe side.

"I haven't had any contact with her, how would I know?"

"..."

This matter-of-fact tone...

Because of this answer, I naturally felt uneasy.

.....

The lingering warmth of summer, like the fatigue of summer vacation, shows no sign of dissipating even after two weeks. However, compared to spending the holidays doing nothing at home, I can now use school as an excuse to get food and extra pocket money... I've been in this world for sixteen years, yet I'm like a parasite, constantly feeding off my parents' hard-earned money, even though I didn't choose to do so. But if you think about it, the conditions for independent living are a bit too long for humans.

"It'll take at least another two years..."

It seems that I will be able to do more in two years - legally.

However, I hadn't even considered what I would be like in two years. I had been so immersed in school that I hadn't considered where I would fit in once I emerged from this environment, whether it was a layer of bitter sweat or something else.

It seems that my parents are even more amazing than I thought... At least they were able to bring me into this world and support me. Thanks to this, I can also use the extra pocket money in my wallet to buy iced drinks to relieve the boredom of sitting at the station waiting for someone.

If what we learned in physics class is correct, carbonated drinks are cooler than regular water, let alone iced ones... With that said, it's understandable why Joseph Joestar is obsessed with iced cola.

"Speaking of which, where is she from..."