There is something wrong with Hikigaya's classroom of supreme ability

Hikigaya looked around after hearing this. Wasn't this the place where he often came to eat alone during lunch break?

However, if used as a place for conversation, it is a quiet place where you don't have to worry about being disturbed or eavesdropped.

"This is where Hikigaya-kun scolded me for the surveillance incident at the end of last semester. I still remember it clearly. 'You're only thinking about yourself,' 'You're really arrogant,' 'Are you deliberately showing off to me so I can pity you?'"

Every time Ichinose said something, Hikigaya felt like he was breaking out in a cold sweat.

"Uh... I'm sorry, Ichinose. I admit that what I said may have been a bit extreme. If you find it offensive, I apologize immediately."

Hikigaya wiped the nonexistent sweat from his forehead. Could it be that Ichinose had come specifically to settle a score with him? Were there assassins lurking around?

Ichinose shook his head. "It wasn't an apology. On the contrary, it was your words, Hikigaya-kun, that woke me up. It made me realize how 'worse' I am. For the first time, I recognized what I was avoiding."

"Don't look at me like this, I've always been a coward. It was Hikigaya-kun who gave me the courage to recognize who I am..."

At this point, Ichinose's expression was a little gloomy: "So I want to tell Hikigaya a secret about myself here, a secret that I have never wanted to face..."

Ichinose spoke in a very calm tone. This was a story that happened when she was in junior high school. Ichinose's family was not well-off. Ichinose lived with her mother and her younger sister, who was two years younger. To earn money to support her two children, Ichinose's mother worked desperately and eventually fell ill. It was her younger sister's birthday, and Ichinose remembered the hairpin she had always begged for as a birthday gift. So, Ichinose, then in junior high school, made a decision that she has regretted ever since...

She went to a convenience store and stole a hairpin as a birthday present for her sister. When her mother found out, she personally took Ichinose to the front of the convenience store and knelt down in public to apologize.

"So, the 'Ichinose Honami' who everyone sees as perfect is actually a thief and a criminal."

Ichinose smiled self-deprecatingly. "Hikigaya-kun, are you surprised? So Ichinose Honami... is a bad woman."

"I'm really surprised."

After hearing what Hikigaya said, Ichinose's eyes became even darker.

"But the surprise is not because of the mistakes you made in the past..."

Hikigaya looked Ichinose straight in the eye: "But until now you are still atonement for this mistake."

After listening to Ichinose's story, Hikigaya finally understood where Ichinose's atonement-like mentality came from. It was exactly the same situation as Hirata's. His current self was atonement for his past self.

What really caused Ichinose to fall into this kind of atonement-like pathological mentality was that her wrong behavior implicated her mother. At the same time, the huge sense of shame and self-blame caused Ichinose to suffer mental and psychological torture.

For Japan, a society that is keen on confessing and apologizing, the behavior of Ichinose's mother is undoubtedly one of the important reasons for Ichinose's current pathological psychology.

Implicating relatives and having to kneel down and apologize in public, one can imagine the psychological blow to a junior high school girl.

So let’s not discuss whether Ichinose’s mother’s actions were right or wrong. The incident has already happened and has passed, but Ichinose, as the person involved, is still trapped in the sins of the past and cannot be saved.

"So until now, you, my soft and sticky self, are still running away?"

Hikigaya asked directly.

Ichinose was silent.

"If you just want to tell me this secret, I appreciate your trust in me."

Hikigaya's expression gradually turned cold. "But what I want to say is that you're not the only one who made mistakes in the past. I understand your pain, hesitation, and confusion, but I hate using past mistakes as an excuse for your current situation. In the end, you're just blindly repeating the same mistakes, hurting yourself and everyone around you."

Ichinose's problem is similar to Hirata's, but there are also differences.

Hirata makes up for his inner guilt by having unauthorized expectations of others, but Ichinose uses pain to escape his guilt towards others. It seems that he treats everyone selflessly, but in fact it is a kind of paralysis and self-harming behavior that hurts himself!

Because of the huge shame brought by the theft and the self-blame for involving his mother, he believed that he had to atone for it, and the way to atone was to "commit seppuku"!

Devote all of yourself to apologize for it!

This is what her mother 'taught' her through her actions!

Because only in this way can you get 'forgiveness'!

"Ichinose, someone once asked me a question: who are the most innocent people in the world? The answer is the Japanese, because only the Japanese naively believe that they can be forgiven as long as they say sorry. You are the same now, naively thinking that you can be forgiven as long as you 'apologize', but in the end... you are still running away!"

Hikigaya's words were like a needle that pierced Ichinose's heart. The intense pain made Ichinose feel dazed for a while, but the more painful it was, the more clearly she could see her "true appearance".

"No, that's not it. I just want to apologize for the mistake I made..."

Ichinose muttered to himself.

“Ichinose!!”

Hikigaya interrupted in a deep voice, "Don't you understand? The mistakes of the past cannot be undone, just like if you stole something, no amount of atonement can change the past. This pain cannot be erased. All we can do is bear it, to coexist, to bear it, but never to erase it!!!"

Ichinose's desire to atone for his sins is not only filled with guilt, but also with regret. If only it hadn't happened in the first place... He attempts to use this method to eliminate the mistakes and pain he has committed.

Just like life, there are happy moments and painful moments. While we enjoy happy moments, we will naturally endure painful moments. If we simply eliminate the pain, what is left is definitely not happiness!

Because only by experiencing pain can you understand the value of happiness!

"So what we need is not to eliminate pain and regret, but to learn to bear it!"

26

Chapter 26: Learn to grow.

People always make mistakes, big and small. When faced with them, some people will forget them, some will reflect on them, and some will, like Ichinose, always hold a grudge against them.

Ichinose's current morbid mentality of atonement seems to be fine, and has even earned her a lot of praise and love, but no matter how it is packaged and concealed, its core is full of contradictions.

In fact, since the surveillance incident last semester, the drawbacks had already begun to show up in the uninhabited island exam during the summer vacation.

"It's undeniable that this incident caused a change in your temperament and attitude towards things, which is why Ichinose is so popular today. Past mistakes are for the sake of a better you today and tomorrow, not to become shackles that bind your future."

Ichinose stared into the deep eyes of Hikigaya opposite him, as if everything about him was completely seen through and analyzed by the other party. This unreserved and naked state made Ichinose subconsciously hug his body.

"Actually, Ichinose, you realized something very early on. Although your unconditional kindness towards others sometimes brings good results, it also sometimes hurts you. However, you don't care. You even regard this kind of hurt as a kind of punishment for yourself. Am I right?"

"No, that's not the case!"

Ichinose suddenly became flustered and wanted to explain quickly, but when he met Hikigaya's eyes, he couldn't help but stop: "I, I just, just..."

As he spoke, Ichinose's voice became smaller and smaller, and he became less and less confident.

Hikigaya has an "I knew it" look on his face. Atonement is to offset the crime through some means, which can be punishment or sacrifice. It is obvious that Ichinose's atonement mentality is a kind of "punishment for himself". He regards the pain of being hurt by others as "punishment for himself" to atone for his sins.

In other words, Ichinose is not unaware of his problem, but is deliberately avoiding it!

"I know I'm not qualified to judge your decision, but I still want to say this: if it were just you, it would be your own business. Even if you were hurt and bruised, that would be what you 'expected'. But now you have more to worry about than just yourself. Can you bear the fate of the other 39 people in your class?"

Hikigaya's tone was icy: "If you don't have this awareness, then you should quit. Otherwise, your selfish behavior will only pass your pain on to others, making them fall into constant pain with you!"

"me……"

Ichinose only felt his mind shaking violently. Every word Hikigaya said was like a sharp blade, leaving bloody scars on Ichinose's body, completely exposing the thing that Ichinose least wanted to face, the most shameful, and the most painful thing in his heart.

Suddenly, Ichinose's eyes went dark and his body staggered, but the next second he was held tightly by a warm arm.

"Yes, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry!!!"

Tears welled up in Ichinose's eyes, and she clutched Hikigaya's clothes tightly with both hands: "But, but I really don't know what to do! I, every time I close my eyes, I will think of what happened that day. My frail mother knelt down in front of countless people, the adults kept talking about me behind my back, and even my sister suffered discrimination... I, I feel so bad. It was clearly my fault, it was all my fault, but why did my mother have to bear this sin for me! I am really in so much pain, and this is the only way I can temporarily forget..."

Ichinose felt pain all the time because of this incident, so in order to alleviate the pain, she could only use another kind of pain to cover it up.

After Hikigaya learned about Ichinose's past in junior high school from her, he had already noticed this problem of Ichinose.

Because… once upon a time, he was the same person.

As a lone ranger, injuries are inevitable, but even if you are injured, you often have to bear it alone. It is indeed very painful at the beginning, but when the pain accumulates to a certain level, the pain will decrease... No way!

"But the pain never subsides, it just makes you more numb."

Hikigaya raised his head and sighed deeply.

Isn’t there a kind of pain behind every Lone Ranger rule?

"Ichinose, as I said at the beginning, pain is difficult to eliminate. As long as people are alive, they will always suffer various kinds of pain. This is inevitable, so what we should do is not to eliminate it, nor to escape it, nor to embrace it, but to learn to bear it."

Hikigaya's tone subconsciously calmed down: "Learning to bear pain also means growth."

"Take responsibility, grow..."

Ichinose repeated to himself.

"Yes, people must learn to reconcile with themselves. Now, and even in the future, the pain of the past may still exist, and every time you think about it, you will feel regret and pain. But it has never been a stone that blocks your progress. On the contrary, it is the trace left on your path forward and the stepping stone that makes you stronger."

Ichinose's dim eyes gradually regained their spirit, and at the same time, he had a completely different feeling from before, as if the shackles on his body had been removed.

"Hikigaya-kun, you really don't look like a boy of your age. You are more mature than many adults I have met."

Ichinose couldn't help but say that compared to the physical growth, it was the growth of the heart that made Ichinose feel differently about the boy in front of her.

"I just read a lot of books, and what I said was just a copy of what I read in the books, so it's not mature."

Hikigaya shook his head at Ichinose's words.

"No, I think I understand why I trust Hikigaya-kun so much."

Ichinose seemed to finally understand and said with emotion: "Perhaps it is because of your 'maturity', Hikigaya-kun, that I can't help but feel that 'you are a reliable adult'."

"Uh...I'm not Katsuragi!"

Ichinose was stunned for several seconds before reacting, then couldn't help laughing.

"Hikigaya-kun, you can't let Katsuragi-kun hear what you said, or he'll be really upset."

Ichinose said with a smile.

"So you feel better now?"

"Eh?"

Ichinose finally understood the boy's intentions and felt a warm feeling in her heart. But the next second, Ichinose suddenly realized something. The distance between them was...

Ichinose suddenly let go of her hand and took a few steps back, her face suddenly turning red.

27

Chapter 27 The confrontation between the two.

"Ichinose, there's something I must remind you of."

Just when Ichinose was still feeling embarrassed about his previous behavior, Hikigaya on the opposite side suddenly spoke.

Ichinose secretly looked at Hikigaya's expression and couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when he found that the other party didn't seem to react too much to what had just happened.

"Have you told anyone else about your junior high school past?"

Hikigaya looked a little serious.

Ichinose shook his head and smiled bitterly, "No, Hikigaya-kun, you are the first person to know about this besides my family and former classmates."

Hikigaya breathed a sigh of relief after hearing this, then warned, "From now on, don't tell anyone about this, no matter who it is. I will also pretend to be completely ignorant of this. You should understand what I mean, right?"

Ichinose understood Hikigaya's concerns and after a moment's thought, he said, "But, but if I hide this from everyone in the class, and they find out..."

"There are ways to deal with being discovered, but it's still a secret that no one knows about right now, so you shouldn't casually reveal your weaknesses to others! Interpersonal interactions require a certain amount of privacy and distance, and this principle also applies to social groups. You don't need to expose 'everything' about yourself. Anyone who does that is either a fool or a liar! If you encounter someone like that, you should be even more vigilant!"

Ichinose's behavior of exposing his own weakness is a double-edged sword. If used improperly, it will backfire on him. More importantly, this double-edged sword is not in his own hands.

"I know you might feel guilty, feeling like you've deceived those who trusted you, but what I want to say is that if someone truly trusted you, they would never ask you to 'open up' about your private life. Like I just said, you have to think about the fate of the 39 students in your class. Your every move will have a huge impact on them. If you can't do that, I advise you to step down from this leadership position as soon as possible, because you're simply not fit for it!"

Hikigaya's words were very harsh, and could even be said to have interfered in Ichinose's life. Surprisingly, Ichinose did not feel angry, but nodded in gratitude.

"Thank you, I will try my best to correct it!"

This is Ichinose's personality. She is always reluctant to say bad things to others and always gives others the greatest kindness. Even if there may be some impurities in it, the long-term influence has made Ichinose "accustomed" to this way of thinking, and it is difficult for her to change it for a while.

Hikigaya originally thought that it would be fine if Ichinose could get angry, but in the end it was still the same as before. Having said that, this time Hikigaya seemed to feel that some changes were happening to Ichinose.

"It's getting late, and I guess your classmates are probably waiting anxiously. I'll be leaving first."

After saying this, Hikigaya waved goodbye to Ichinose.

Until the boy's figure completely disappeared in the night, Ichinose suddenly covered his chest with both hands, his heart beating "thump, thump".

"I, what's wrong with me?"

Ichinose only felt that the sound of her heartbeat was so obvious. She had never had this feeling when facing Hikigaya before. Before, she had more of a good impression of Hikigaya, which made her want to rely on and trust him. Just like what she said just now, because he seemed like a mature adult, she couldn't help but trust him.

Until a second ago, Ichinose had always thought so.

But now... she found that she seemed to have misunderstood this emotion, and at the same time, an impulse surged from the depths of her heart!

“You can’t eliminate pain, so you have to learn to bear it yourself.”

Ichinose repeated this in a low voice, his eyes unconsciously looking in the direction where the boy disappeared, but then he froze in place as if he had thought of something, biting his lips tightly with a very complicated expression.

The girl discovered that 'she was never alone', and there was a boy who silently shared the weight of pain with her, but the boy did not say a word until the very end.

"How much pain have you endured?"