I won't be a loser.

“…Is it that serious?”

"I'm a little worried that you'll follow those writers and end your life before you even win the award."

Mari Fukaoka nodded as if it was a matter of fact, and her gentle voice sounded in Xianren's ears. Xianren looked down at the work he had created on a whim, and slowly closed his eyes.

"how do you feel?"

"Aside from the somewhat gloomy color scheme, there's nothing else wrong with it. Compared to the previous works that seemed more like whining, this one seems more touching. I hope it's your work and there won't be any problems."

"Ok?"

"Nothing, but haven't you already established your publishing house? Why are you still coming to me..."

"The style is more suitable for your place. Even if it is published there, it won't attract much attention."

"A work is only worth writing if it is read by others. If no one reads it and it is only admired by myself, then why write it at all?"

It’s not that there aren’t works filled with a strong sense of self, but Xianren feels that his works have never had any particularly strong sense of self. For example, the content of the story is often that the protagonist is swept away by nature, society, and other people and ends his life.

"But maybe jumping from a high place might be a nice experience."

All things are impermanent, all things are suffering. All things are without self, and nirvana is bliss.

"Have you been under too much pressure recently?"

Mari Fukaoka looked at the wise man in front of her seriously, and couldn't help but express her concern. The wise man, who was being watched, slowly looked at the people busy in the office, slowly stood up, put his hand on the manuscript, and tapped it lightly.

"Then I'll leave these to you. I'm going back now. Maybe the mental pressure is too great. I'll go back and rest for a while, and maybe I'll feel better."

"…Take care of yourself."

After waving his hand, Xianren left Kaiying Society and walked alone on the street, recalling that he seemed to have been hit by a car near here a few years ago.

A person walked along the sidewalk, wandering lonely in the city. When he stopped, he found himself standing at the gate of Fengzhizaki School. Looking at the familiar campus environment, even though Xianren had been away from here for three years, it was still no different from before.

After standing outside the school gate and looking carefully for a while, he walked in another direction, wandered on the street, and came to the door of Mito Yuge's apartment. He fumbled in his pocket for a while, took out the key, opened her room, and entered the apartment.

Looking at the apartment room which had not changed much, he walked to the desk and looked at the books piled on it, as well as the messy manuscript papers filled with various contents and notes.

He sat down, his hand fell on the desk, stroking it gently. Thinking that Mito Yuge had spent several years in this place, the image of her sitting alone in front of the desk emerged in Xianren's mind.

……lonely.

Don’t you feel lonely?

Looking sideways toward the window, you can see the sky between the buildings. It seems that some buildings nearby have been renovated recently, and the view is not as wide as before.

He stood up, walked to the edge of the bed, sat down, and slowly lay down on the bed. When he breathed, he felt that every breath of air was filled with the freshness of Mito Yuka. He closed his eyes and recalled the days he spent with Mito Yuka.

I turned over and found something strange under my pillow. I slowly raised my head and fumbled under the pillow for a while. I took out a small medicine jar. After taking it out, I carefully identified it and found that it was melatonin.

"Insomnia?"

After staring at it for a while, he put it back to its original place and lay down quietly on Mito Yuge's bed. Xianren closed his eyes.

"Breakfast is ready."

A familiar voice sounded in my ears. I opened my eyes and saw Mito Yuge, who had long hair and looked more mature, standing by the bed, as if greeting me.

"what time is it now?"

"7:31"

"Is it this time already?"

The wise man usually woke up around 7 o'clock, slowly sat up, looked down at his hands, then looked at his body, and looked around, and found that the environment was different from before.

He had experienced something like this before, but it seemed like it hadn't happened for many years and he had almost forgotten it.

"Are you and I the only ones at home?"

"Hmm? So...what happened?"

"Nothing, just confused from sleep."

After getting up from the bed and putting on his shoes, he left the bedroom, stood in the aisle, looked around, walked towards the stairs, and when he reached the living room, he walked around to confirm where the bathroom was. He kind of... wanted to go to the toilet.

It felt very real, and he didn't know if he could be considered a bed-wetter.

If he opened his eyes and found that he had wet the bed, that would be a really bad thing. He and Mito Yuge would probably have to live outside tonight.

I don’t know if it will be daytime or night in reality when I wake up?

When they arrived at the living room, Mito Yuge was already sitting at the dining table, waiting for Xianren to sit down before starting to have breakfast.

"Will you go to work later?"

"Well, I've been a little busy at work lately, so I'll probably be home a little late tonight. If you're home today, remember to help with the laundry. Also...oh, there's a sale at the mall today, so you can go buy some fresh ingredients to take home."

Xianren, who was having breakfast, heard Mito Yuge's instructions and nodded.

"I understand, is there anything else?"

"I don't have anything else to do, but Xianren... No, nothing."

Mito Yuge wanted to say something, but she fell silent halfway through her words and smiled at Xianren.

"..."

After breakfast, the cleaning was left to Xianren. Mito Yuge left home to work. Sitting alone at home, looking at the dishes on the table in front of him, he tidied them up and went to the bathroom to wash his clothes.

It seemed like something I did often before, so it didn't feel unfamiliar when I did it again. After a while, I returned to the room and observed the furnishings inside.

"There are so many signs of two people living together... Um, are you married?"

Looking at the wedding photo of the two, Mito Yuka in white wedding clothes and himself in black wedding clothes, he looked dazed and absent-minded.

"so……"

He whispered softly, put down the photo frame in his hand, and left the bedroom. He walked around the house searching for other clues, wanting to see what kind of identity he had in such an environment.

After gently closing the bedroom door, the sage came to the next room. As soon as he opened the door, he was hit by a strong smell of books and papers. What caught the sage's eyes was a room full of books. The only desk was facing the window, with scattered manuscripts on it, and the floor was also littered with manuscripts filled with content.

He squatted down and picked up one at random and started looking at it.

"My beloved wife died at my hands. I hid her in the refrigerator so she wouldn't age any more. Her youth would remain with her, and she would be at her most beautiful, spending the rest of her life with me. I felt genuine joy in my heart, as if some shackles had been released. Just looking at her peaceful face made my hands and body tremble. I even tried to crawl into the refrigerator and fall into eternal sleep with her..."

- - - -

Thank you all for your monthly tickets and blades! Thank you all for your recommendation tickets!

Chiba New Story: 480. So twisted, I love it

Is it too...

Staring at the manuscript paper on the ground, Xianren fell into silence. He picked up another manuscript paper casually. The content was not as perverted as before.

"When I woke up and opened my eyes, I saw the man I had hit, his eyes wide open. He was still dead. I killed him with my own hands. Thinking of this, a smile broke out on my face. Now, even Setsuko can finally rest in peace."

Look down again.

"Thinking about Setsuko living such a boring life because of such an incompetent husband, and how she had found happiness with me, but it was destroyed by him, I will never forgive this man!"

"...No, you're the one who can't forgive, right?"

He opened his mouth and silently put down the manuscript in his hand. Xianren couldn't help but doubt the mental state of the person who wrote this.

I don't know if he himself thought these were too outrageous, so he threw them on the ground, or if he had other ideas, so he threw them on the ground like this. He slowly walked forward, came to the desk, looked at the relatively clean desk, and saw a book called "Binding the Coffin".

I picked it up and looked at the author's name. When I found it seemed to be 'myself', I opened it.

"..."

After glancing at it for just a few times, the wise man closed the book, put it back on the table, and fell into silence.

There seems to be something wrong with this place. No, it is the person who wrote this book who is wrong.

The wise man had no idea how much mental stimulation he had received to write such terrible content. He sighed, put down the book in his hand, and turned to leave the study.

Like this room, if he continued to stay there and saw similar works, he didn't know what kind of terrible person he would become.

He slowly returned to the living room, poured himself a cup of tea, and after relieving the dryness in his mouth, he left the living room and walked out of the house. Looking at the clear blue sky outside, he stretched his arms slightly, and felt a little more relaxed.

Were you stimulated by something?

Thinking back on the contents of the works in the study, Xianren still couldn't understand what on earth made him write down so many things in such an exceptionally free mental state.

As I was thinking this, I suddenly felt someone touching me.

I opened my eyes and saw a light orange dusk outside the window. The girl named Mito Yuka... could she still be called a girl now?

Their ages may not match, but Mito Yuge still looks the same as before. She is squatting on the edge of the bed, staring at him lying on the bed, her slender white fingers drawing circles on his palm.

"It's afternoon already?"

"It's already evening."

"Has it been that long? I thought... you would wake up in the afternoon. You... don't have work today?"

"Ah."

Looking into Mito Yuge's eyes, Xianren couldn't help but move closer to her and kissed her, holding his breath. After a moment, looking at Mito Yuge's slightly flushed face, he slowly got up from the bed and put on his shoes.

"Where's Sayu?"

"She should be back home now. Should I contact her?"

"No need. I went to see her a while ago. Today is the same. It's just you and me."

"Well, it's been a long time since I've been alone with you, Xianren, like this."

Mito Yuge smiled slightly and nodded, watching the sage walk up to her and embrace her with open arms. Feeling the warmth in his embrace, she closed her eyes and hugged the sage in front of her as well...

Xianren always feels at ease when he is with Mito Yuge.

It is like a clear spring in the mountains that cleanses the soul, allowing the wise to temporarily forget the hustle and bustle of the world and calm down.

"Perhaps... because you're too calm, you're looking for some excitement?"

After a moment of silence, Xianren felt as if he understood his own thoughts. It was precisely because his current life was too dull that he wanted to find some excitement that did not exist in real life between words.

The two of them stayed in the house for a while, then went out together to a nearby restaurant and sat down. Mito Yuge gave the menu to order first, and after adding a few more items, the two of them sat in this small restaurant, looking at each other.

"Some time ago, Sayu's brother came to Tokyo to see her, apparently to persuade her to return."

"Refused?"

"Well, it seems to be Sayu's father. His health has deteriorated recently. He suddenly remembered that he still has a daughter and wanted to see Sayu, but Sayu is not planning to go back."

"I never cared about my daughter Sayu before, so now I suddenly want her back. That's impossible, isn't it?"

The waiter brought a pot of brown rice tea and poured a cup to taste. Kento was not surprised at all that Sayu did not go back. Even if her mother was seriously ill now, she probably would not be shaken at all. Sayu must still be deeply resentful of her mother who did not even believe in her own daughter.

"Will Xianren want Sayu to go back?"

"I don't really want Sayu to go back, but if Sayu wants to go back, I won't stop her."

"Don't you want her to stay in Tokyo?"

"If she goes back, she'll be trapped in Hokkaido and can never return to Tokyo. I will stop her from going back, but if she just wants to go back for a visit and then come back, then I won't stop her. If she really wants to visit a sick relative, there's nothing wrong with that, right? It's reasonable."

But after thinking about it, it seems that Sayu's parents did not give Sayu any parental love, so it is normal that Sayu will not go.

"A woman gave birth to a daughter like Sayu just to tie a man down. Just hearing about it makes me feel disgusted..."

The sudden silence brought to mind those people who had spoken out and wanted to have children. The sage suddenly shut his mouth, lowered his head and drank his tea.

"The wise man will stand on Sayu's side."

"Not all parents are worthy of respect. Take Sayu's father and mother, for example. From my perspective, I don't think they are competent."

Then he looked at Mito Yuge in front of him, and thinking that her parents had passed away, he did not comment.

But it is also quite excessive for parents to abandon their daughter and end their own lives.

- - - -

Thank you all for your monthly tickets and blades! Thank you all for your recommendation tickets!

Chiba New Story: 481. She Just Fell Asleep

Perhaps the wise man himself would become someone like that in the future, but at least for now...

It doesn't seem to be much better.