This is not the date I wanted.

Shidou was speechless for a moment.

"Well, I understand. At first, I didn't want to admit it either - I would become like that in the future."

Meng Yue held her cheek with her hand and sighed with helplessness.

"But there's no point in simply denying it. Unless you completely delete or seal the memory, the more you reject it, the harder it will rebound like a spring."

"That's it..."

"That's it."

Shidao was in deep thought. Indeed, just as Mengyue said, his current situation was very similar to Mengyue's. Although one was about understanding the past and the other was about accepting the future, they were both essentially facing a memory that they had never experienced before but belonged to them.

"Shidou, when you were recalling your past memories through dreams, were you using various methods to hint that you were 'Gokawa Shidou' so that you wouldn't become 'Takami Shinshi'?"

"Yeah... indeed." Shidou nodded and asked a little uneasily, "Could it be that... I did something wrong?"

"I didn't do anything wrong. It's more like you were too successful." Meng Yue spread his hands and guessed, "It's because you insisted too much that you are 'Gokawa Shidao', so you subconsciously began to draw a line between yourself and the dream world."

Hearing this, Shidou's eyes widened in surprise.

"You mean... my current situation is not that there is another personality in my body that prevents me from dreaming, but that I am instinctively refusing to dream?"

"this--"

Of course, all of Mengyue's ideas so far are only speculations, and there is no decisive evidence to prove the speculation or deny that Shidao has a dual personality.

However, since it was talk therapy, she didn't need to worry too much about it.

So, Meng Yue gave a thumbs up and said firmly.

"That's right!! That's it!!"

19. Accept the past

==============================

"Yes, that's it!"

"……I see."

Shidao couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief after receiving Mengyue's affirmation, but soon, new worries came to his mind.

"But... if that's the case, then I have to become 'Shinshi Takamiya'?"

"Hmm... from the conclusion, that should be the case. After all, if you only accept the memory without intending to acknowledge it, it would be as bad as a scum who took away a girl's virginity but didn't intend to take responsibility."

“What a poignant metaphor.”

Shidou couldn't help but smile bitterly and shook his head, but he didn't deny her point of view.

"But... I am still afraid..."

As he said this, Shidou lowered his head in shame. Although his voice was relatively calm, his tightly clasped fingers still revealed his hesitation.

"A little... not... very... in a dream that is almost indistinguishable from reality, whether it is actions, words, or thoughts - everything about myself seems to be controlled by something and I act on my own. Whenever I wake up, the memories and habits in the dream will take root in my body..."

The voice gradually became hoarse and trembling.

As long as you don't resist and admit that "Takamiya Shinshi" the problem will be solved - it's easy to say, but it's another matter to do it in practice.

In fact, sneaking into Somiya Shinji's dream many times did not make Shidao develop the so-called patience. On the contrary, only the feeling of fear continued to sprout in his heart.

It's like walking in the dark with your eyes closed. The further you walk, the more scared you get. The more you want to open your eyes and check your position. You're afraid that you've already walked to the middle of the road and will be hit by a car and smashed to pieces in the next second.

That's why he keeps emphasizing that he is Gokawa Shido.

"If... I really accept the memory of 'Shinji Takamiya', what will happen to me when his memory completely takes over this body... Will I just disappear like that?"

Listening quietly to Shidao's deep-seated distress, Meng Yue finally spoke after pondering for a long time.

"By accepting the memories of 'Shinji Soumiya', you can no longer be 'Shido Gokawa'?"

Hearing Mengyue's words, Shidao was stunned.

"What does it mean?"

"I'm sorry Shidou, I just said that I was in the same situation as you... I withdraw it."

Meng Yue continued,

"Unlike you, I accepted the memory of the future at that time, but the future is ambiguous and has countless divergences. What you have to face now is the memory of the past, which is a one-way street that has been determined. It is because of the accumulation of the 'past' that there is the 'present'."

"I think it is because of the past of 'Shinshi Takamiya' that the current 'Shido Gokawa' is sitting next to me."

"…What is your basis?"

Shidou couldn't help but ask.

"Shidao, remember, I once told you that I have memories of my past life."

Meng Yue did not rush to answer, but instead brought up another topic as if to induce the question.

"Yeah. Remember."

"Then do you know what my previous name was?"

"Um...it seems to be...off..."

"Guan Meng, this was my previous name."

"Guan... Meng..."

Shidao awkwardly imitated Mengyue's pronunciation and couldn't help but ask curiously at this name that obviously didn't sound like a Japanese name.

"What does this name mean?"

"As for the meaning? It's not something worth mentioning. According to my late father, the meaning of this name seems to be 'give up those unrealistic ideals and dreams, and face reality honestly.'"

"What is this? How can you give your child a name like this?"

Compared to Shidao who seemed a little indignant, Mengyue, the person involved, was very calm and smiled.

"Well, I don't mind. Dad has his own difficulties. He treats me well. In his suicide note, he also said that he regretted giving me this name on impulse. He wouldn't mind if I changed my name."

Hearing this, Shidao suddenly remembered that the father that Mengyue mentioned was no longer in that world.

"……Feel sorry."

"It's okay. Shidou is concerned about me, right? And I've let go of what happened so long ago."

Mengyue smiled and shrugged.

"..."

Shidao was speechless for a moment. He had accidentally glimpsed Mengyue's past in a dream long ago. Although the specific content was a bit ambiguous, he knew that it was precisely because Mengyue was alone in her previous life that she now attached so much importance to the existence of her family.

"What's wrong? You suddenly stopped talking."

"No... I just can't think of what to say for a moment?"

"Fool."

Meng Yue couldn't help but tapped Shidao's forehead with a snap of her fingers.

"pain."

"I'm not telling you this to play the victim or lick each other's wounds. It's disgusting that you're suddenly so polite to me."

Meng Yue said speechlessly.

“…Haha, that’s true.”

Shidou smiled bitterly and covered his forehead.

"Then, don't you have anything to ask?"

Meng Yue said straight to the point. After a moment of silence, Shidou said this.

"... To you, Mengyue, what does the name 'Guan Meng' and the memory of this identity mean?"

"It forms part of my past, that's all."

Meng Yue answered readily,

"Even though I have become 'Liang Yi Meng Yue' now, it doesn't mean that I have abandoned the name 'Guan Meng'. Even though I have a new home, it doesn't mean that I have forgotten my family in the past. It is because of 'Guan Meng' that I am who I am now."

"Because of 'Guan Meng', there is Meng Yue now...?"

Repeating Mengyue's words, Shidao seemed to understand something in a trance.

"Similarly, although you yourself may not realize it, your past as 'Shinshi Takamiya' must also be an indispensable part of you as 'Shido Gokawa'."

"Part of me..."

As he pondered Meng Yue's words, Shidao couldn't help but fall into silence.

Just like Meng Yue said, the more you press a spring, the more violent the rebound will be. Trying to gain information from memory while denying it is simply wishful thinking.

And imagine if one day you lose your memory, start another life with another name, and then when you think back on everything you try hard to deny it.

He didn't mind being rejected, but what would Mengyue and Shixiang, who used to be with him, think when they saw him like this?

What a ridiculous scene that must have been.

(Instead of treating it as an enemy that hurts you, should you accept it as a part of yourself?)

"I understand...I'll try to believe it."

Finally, Shidao made a decision.

"Have you thought about it?"

Meng Yue asked.

"Well, rather, I had decided not to back down from the very beginning. But I hesitated so many times, which is a bit embarrassing."

"Well, it seems that you are aware of your own hypocrisy."

"Hmm... I'm speechless."

Shidou couldn't help but smile bitterly.

Suddenly, I felt very sleepy and the world in front of me became blurred.

(I am about to enter that dream again.)

Shidou understood this instinctively. But strangely, he did not feel any fear, as if he was invited to participate in a play.

——Shidao?

It’s okay Mengyue… I just want to witness the end of the dream, but it may take some time this time.

——Is that so? It’s okay. I’ll wait for you.

Thank you, Mengyue... Thank you for giving me the courage to accept the past.

The world turned uncontrollably, and driven by a strong sense of sleepiness, Shidao closed his eyes.

"...Come on, Shidou."

——————————————I am the dividing line for transferring scenes————————————————

"Ha~ I'm relieved~"

In the Elf Apartment at night, accompanied by the sound of flushing, Honjo Niya walked out of the bathroom with a refreshed look on his face.

"Ah, I see. It really is an Elf Apartment. It's fully furnished, has complete rooms, and is in a good location. I don't want to just move in like that - huh?"

Just when Erya was about to go back to bed, she happened to see a person standing at the door of the Gokawa family opposite.

"That's... Tohka-chan? What are you doing there so late at night?"

With some confusion and curiosity, Erya put on his coat and left the apartment.

"Ahh~ Tohka-chan."

Tohka couldn't help but feel surprised when she saw Nia walking towards her.

"Eiya? Aren't you going to bed yet so late?"

"Is this my line? What are you doing here so late? Phew~ It's so cold—"

Although it was already February, the cold wind at night still made Erya shiver.

"Are you waiting for someone?"