Loneliness and Rock and Roll with Band Observer

Qiu Hui actually nodded obediently, then turned her head and stared at the blank document on the screen.

“…Anyway, I can’t write it.”

Qiu Hui moved the mouse to close the window, and her movements seemed a little stiff.

She simply turned off the entire computer, then stood up, left the computer desk and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Not thinking about anything, not thinking about anything, it's really happy."

She suddenly uttered a sigh without any reason.

She raised her head and looked out through the glass window behind the computer desk, her eyes resting on the clear blue sky.

"But I'm still a little uncomfortable with it."

“I always feel like there’s something else I need to do.”

"If I have time to spare...I feel like I'm committing a crime."

Qiu Hui's voice sounded thin and hollow, like the speaker of a cheap mobile phone, which could only produce empty and mixed sounds.

Yutenji Wakamushi didn't know what to say in response.

Maybe there is no need to say anything?

She bent down, opened her arms, and launched an attack directly from the front, hugging Qiu Hui's slender and thin waist.

Then, he pursed his lips and gently rested his chin on Qiu Hui's shoulder.

The body temperatures of the two intertwined, to the point where they could breathe each other's air. Qiu Hui's hair brushed gently against Ruomai's face like willow catkins blown by the wind.

Logically speaking, it should be a very charming and imaginative scene...

But Qiu Hui didn't react at all.

The body temperature is still there, the touch is still soft, and I can still faintly hear the other person's breathing in my ears.

If these subtle signs were excluded, Ruomai would hardly find any evidence that Qiu Hui was still alive at this moment.

"Hey, Xiaoqiu."

Ruomai said in a soft voice, almost as if he was talking to himself.

But fortunately, Qiu Hui's ears were right next to her, so even a sound of this level was enough for her to hear.

Probably, but Ruomai was still not sure, because Qiu Hui did not react at all, so there was no evidence to prove that she really heard anything.

"...You don't even try to struggle. You don't even feel shy."

Qiu Hui slowly closed her eyes. She didn't seem to know how to respond.

"You said that I can use it however I want, right?"

Although he looked like he was giving an order, there was an obvious sadness in Ruomai's tone.

"Then I...order you. Please answer my question."

"How do you view me and what happened at that time?"

"Since Xiaoqiu doesn't want to think anymore, just answer based on your first impression."

"You don't have to recall it, and you don't have to consider whether I like it or not. Just say whatever you think... That's enough."

Qiu Hui remained silent like a sculpture. After an unknown amount of time, she slowly spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"I originally thought that our relationship wasn't good enough to make such a request. It was my own decision that caused you trouble."

"In fact, I now realize that I have trampled on your feelings due to some silly misunderstandings."

"No matter what the result is... in the end, it's all my fault."

Ruomai listened to Qiu Hui's reply in silence.

"I... knew Xiao Qiu would say that."

Ruomai actually laughed out loud.

Why can't it be my fault?

If I had always insisted on supporting Xiaoqiu's willfulness, or if I had explained the situation to her from the beginning instead of giving her false hope, then perhaps things would not have turned out like this?

But Xiaoqiu... Xiaoqiu always takes all the blame on herself.

She always habitually wants to bear everything, even though she knows she will be crushed.

The past between Xiaoqiu and I... is a complicated mess that has been accumulating from that time to the present...

Chapter 43 I Can’t Bear Your Life

Perhaps, my entire life is a mess that cannot be settled.

Togawa Akiie thought so as she sat on the bed without saying a word.

Equivalent exchange.

As much as you receive, so much you give.

I have always believed that as long as I always abide by such principles, I can at least avoid being reprimanded. Even if I fail, I can comfort myself: what I did can at least be called "correct."

But what about Ruomai?

She is a living example.

I always thought that she was just a classmate of mine with whom I had an ordinary relationship, so she responded to my sister's request and persuaded me to go back home.

I felt that my willful request caused her trouble... I felt that it was just wishful thinking on my part, so I really distanced myself from her.

I thought I was correcting the mistakes I made because of my willfulness, but in fact I was causing greater harm to others by being even more willful.

I've made a huge mistake... and I have no idea how to make up for it.

So, when I met "Meow Meng" and when I was with "Meow Meng", I would be like that...unconsciously and subtly ignore the other person's true identity.

She was willing to hide her real name, contact her sister, and try to get close to me. This was enough to prove how absurd my previous judgment was.

"…Wakamaki."

I opened my mouth unconsciously.

The force from the waist also tightened slightly.

"I'm listening. Go ahead. You can say anything. I'll listen to everything..."

Ruomai's slightly trembling whisper reached Qiuhui's ears.

So Qiu Hui continued speaking.

"I... don't know what to do."

“I made a mistake, but I don’t know how to make up for it.”

She just spoke, still expressionless.

Anyway, even if there was a change in expression, Ruomai couldn't see it from his perspective.

"The only solution I can think of... seems to be a joke."

"I'll pay you back with the rest of my life..."

Akie wasn't sure if she was serious or just playing some kind of self-defeating joke.

Haha. My life, how much value does this kind of thing have?

"Don't say such stupid things!"

Ruomai raised his head.

She put her hands on Qiu Hui's shoulders and glared at her with moist eyes.

"I...I can't afford Xiaoqiu's life."

She made a sound that was unclear whether it was laughing or crying.

"Why?" asked Qiu Hui.

“Is my life something of great value?”

Maybe I did do a lot.

Novels, and the band; making a living from my work, and then, helping people as much as I can.

In this way, I exchange the feeling of being needed, longing for the so-called friendship and care.

If that's the case, then it's not bad.

If you can truly enjoy the appreciation and kindness from others, then it is not a bad idea to make these things the basis of your life.

Rather, people who can think this way may even be regarded as some kind of noble existence.

But I'm different.

It seems like I don't really need these things, and I don't really enjoy them.

I'm just using other people's approval as some kind of argument.

Prove me right.

My idea is feasible.

My existence has meaning.

Running around for it, giving up everything that can be given up for it.

"I want to be a qualified loser..."

Qiu Hui's eyes became dazed and out of focus, and she seemed to be talking to herself.

"...Even though it failed, at least it was correct."

"I have already failed."

"And now, it's not even right..."

"...No! I...I am willing to forgive Xiaoqiu!"

Ruomai almost screamed out loud.

"I have been in a lot of pain during this period... But, Xiao Qiu has become like this, I..."

"I know what you mean."

Qiu Hui nodded slowly, interrupting what Ruomai wanted to say.

"I'm glad you're willing to forgive me."

"But, after all, you have to make a mistake first, and then you can be forgiven."

Qiu Hui's calmness and composure are no longer there, so her logic and thinking are also moving towards collapse little by little.

"Actually, I've figured it out." She said this suddenly for no reason.

"Equivalent exchange or my long-winded speeches."

"To put it bluntly, it's just a drowning person looking for something to provide buoyancy."

"I'm not right. Everything I did was meaningless..."

Qiu Hui lowered her head.

"So that's it."

Since my existence has no meaning...

"..."

“…What do you mean?”

Yutenji Wakamugi released his hand from around Akie's shoulder.

She stood up and then sat next to Qiu Hui.

She reached out her hand and wiped away the tears from her eyes.

"Xiao Qiu... don't treat me as a junk collector, and don't treat yourself as... junk, okay?"