The social phobia substitute will not dream of the band girl

Eating, excretion and sleeping should be the three major desires of human beings, but it is no longer the case for him. The reason why he did it and slept before was just for pure "pleasure", and these days he has been lying here and thinking with this ability.

Thinking about some things that he had never thought about before, or some things that he had thought about but had given up, forgotten, or turned a blind eye to for various reasons, some... things about himself -

What Yamada Ryo wants is the "real Hiranobu," but what is the real him? This requires thinking about the most discussed question in the history of philosophy, and the question that everyone is concerned about -

who am I?

First of all, what Yamada Ryo wants is definitely not the current him, not the him who plays a certain role and bears certain social responsibilities, but the real him without any disguise, the thing he has been avoiding and pursuing.

And we generally call it the true self.

So, what is the true self?

When talking about the Heishin of this world, what people see, know, and understand is a person named "Asuka Ma Heishin", but what is the foundation of him?

It is Ping Xin, an orphan who was born in Yan Country in his previous life and who still doesn't know how he died.

In fact, his personality has never changed. What’s different is that his unique way of doing things has become more “mature” and “systematic”. But how was his personality formed?

In order to explore the so-called truth, Ping Xin closed his eyes.

It wasn't that he wanted to sleep, but rather that he was using this doze as an opportunity to stimulate and recall his memories. The things that had been forgotten and lost as this world's "Asuka Maheishin" grew up gradually "revived" as his body and brain strengthened.

But before this, he had never taken the initiative to recall the "past", the source of all his tragedies, the memory that he feared the most, hated the most, and wanted to forget the most, but which always followed him like a shadow.

......

...

..

In 198x, in Yan Country, Asia, a crying child rang out from outside an ordinary orphanage. A knock on the door woke the orphanage's director in the middle of the night. A devout believer opened the door and saw him. He might have been abandoned by his biological parents, just like the other children here.

An unwanted child—this was Heishin's first understanding of himself before he got a name.

After that, he learned to be jealous, jealous of other people who still had little trinkets left by their parents, like longevity locks, pendants, and names sewn into swaddling clothes. But he had nothing, not even the swaddling clothes he was wrapped in, but a rolled-up sack.

But he didn't react at all at that time. Perhaps some people's blood is naturally cold, or perhaps it was chilled by the wind on that windy night.

But no matter what, although other children have something he doesn't have, he also has something from his parents that others don't have -

That is talent, an important factor that allows the weak to become stronger faster and stronger than others.

Because of his precocious intelligence, he was the youngest and one of the first children to start reading and writing. Even though the first textbooks were religious scriptures, or even translated versions that had no "meaning", they were necessary and desired things for him at that time.

Because he is empty, there is nothing in his body that belongs to him, from top to bottom, inside to outside.

He lived in an orphanage, wore hand-me-down clothes that had been donated, abandoned, and worn by countless other children, and ate food that the director had prepared as "divinely gifted." Even the name Heishin...

"Oh, now I remember. It wasn't because of the Dean's surname, Ping, or any wish like 'I hope I will be an honest and trustworthy person in the future'. It was just... just——"

It's just a name made up of relatively easy-to-write characters from the two rubbish phrases "God loves all people equally" and "Only faith can lead to salvation" (calligraphy practice material). This name doesn't reflect his parents' wishes or any love placed on him, but simply the wishful thinking of an old man obsessed with faith.

"Haha, the human brain tends to forget painful memories and embellish them. If it weren't for Liang who started recalling, how long would I have continued to 'lie' to myself?"

In his previous life, he was a successful loser, no matter how much money he made or how much he achieved.

In the end, no one has ever truly loved me——

"No, maybe there was, but I didn't notice it..."

It doesn't matter what, until the end of his past life memories, no...

What a dream to be the freest man in the world...

He is clearly the most pitiful fool in the world!

idiot!

idiot!

The least free guy in the world is almost the same!!!

"laugh--!"

“…Hee….heehee…heeheeheehee~!”

Chapter 88 Snow & Burial

After midnight, starting on Christmas Day, snow began to fall over Tokyo. It continued to fall until now, as if it was going to drown the entire city. It just kept falling.

"..."

After dispersing the ripples and magnetic field within his body, Ping Xin felt a chill. For so many days, he had been trying not to let anything outside interfere with his thinking, but now nothing mattered, nothing mattered...

After releasing all his protective forces, Ping Xin lay on the top of the climbing frame. The giant climbing frame, which was nearly 10 meters high, now looked like a castle, a mountain, a prison, or anything that isolated him from the world.

However, it doesn't matter anymore.

He curled up without resistance, his legs together and knees bent, his hands crossed over his knees, his knees pressed against his chest, making his heartbeat so clearly audible. But gradually, as the snow piled higher and higher, the frequency and strength of the heartbeat became lower and lower.

Just like those messy thoughts, they gradually disappear, and then what you get is peace, the ultimate peace, a peace where even the concept of "ordinary faith" disappears.

How long will this dream last?

Probably... until he completely disappears——

......

...

..

"Ping Xin, you lost your focus during prayer again. You are so disrespectful to the gods. You should be punished!"

"..."

Just over ten seconds passed, and the director of the orphanage hadn't heard a single reply, not even a single one. When he looked up again, he saw the child in front of him, lost in thought... or perhaps observing him, as if seeing him for the first time, like a wild animal meeting for the first time, like a tiger descending the mountain for the first time.

Vigilance, curiosity, strangeness, nostalgia, disgust... In short, there is no respect at all.

"...Hmm? Ah, Dean... Is this the plan this time? Not reincarnation into another world, but a proper rebirth, but maybe this is a good idea-"

Looking at the child in front of him whose temperament suddenly changed and he was talking strangely, as if he was possessed by some devil, the dean's heart was filled with fear.

He has transformed from a dull and docile lamb into a bloodthirsty beast that gives people a strong sense of danger. Only the devil can do such a thing. There must be a devil in him!

But a real dean would definitely not say that, so what would he be thinking? He has been very curious since he was a child...

Gu Qiqi's strength, Ping Xin used his mind-reading ability.

fear?

This kind of superficial emotion can be seen at a glance, but what I want to see is something deeper... He is in charge of the orphanage, and basic human rights such as eating, drinking, defecating and urinating are also controlled by him alone. It can even be said that he has the "power of life and death". No wonder he never cares what the children think, because why would people care about the thoughts of livestock?

In his eyes, we are all just stepping stones to get him to heaven.

Hee, my opinion is that it's better to knock the wooden fish twice more~

Seeing the dean, who constantly claimed to be "God's messenger" and "God's chosen one," so frightened that his legs trembled and he could not move, Ping Xin's heart was filled with the pleasure of revenge. He had always hated his words and his every move. What God, what trials, what ridiculous things.

If God really exists, why doesn't he come to save me?

Why can’t you have a good life if you don’t believe in God?

Why......

Many, many questions, questions that he had not been able to ask back then, questions that he could not ask back then, now poured out like a swarm of bees, and were then extinguished by him with a single palm.

"Ah, I accidentally beat him to a pulp. I wanted to let him show off his talents a bit more before killing him. Sorry~"

Blood, screams, and fear—three different things filled the small church, but at this moment, he felt only a sense of relief. He had wanted to punch this old man in the face for a long time, but unfortunately, he hadn't had the strength to do it before, and he hadn't had the ability to do it again, and he hadn't had the chance in the end.

I accidentally used too much force and turned the dean into "Dean-chan," but I'm still a child now, so it should be okay, right? After all, if you can use "he's just a child" to solve anything, then it should be okay now, right?

"Hey, I accidentally used too much force☆~"

But soon, his consciousness returned to darkness, and then his eyes lit up again -

......

...

..

"This is... a school? And you are... huh, I see—"

This was the Dean's office, the most feared place for both middle school and older high school students. After all, the Dean of Studies at the time not only looked menacing, but also had a loud voice and loved to call parents.

But this had nothing to do with him, because he had been studying diligently from the beginning. In his spare time, he would work illegally or earn some money from his classmates based on his academic performance. From then on, he began to save money to become independent.

It was well known that students with good grades enjoyed privileges in Yanguo School. Even though he had some problems, he was ranked first in his grade and the district's unified exam, so the teachers tacitly ignored him. However, there was one time when his problems were more serious, and he came here for the first and last time.

Now must be "that time"...

"Pingxin, we are all aware of your achievements, and I know your character, so I hope you can tell me... Is the baby in xxx's belly yours?"

"No."

The answer is exactly the same as it was back then. After all, if something doesn’t exist, it doesn’t exist.

"Okay... then can you tell me why everyone is accusing you of this? I've also heard rumors about you and XXX before. Are you dating someone?"

XXX and I have known each other since junior high, and our relationship has always been... pretty good, at least compared to others. After all, we were short on money back then, so height, clothing, and food were all issues. I didn't feel like everyone liked me, but it's not like I disliked anyone either. At least compared to those who disliked me, those who weren't so disliked me should be liked, right?

Maybe it was because he only talked to xxx and kept his distance from other girls, so he was always misunderstood. But at that time, he couldn't even get enough money for his own expenses. If he hadn't got good grades and got some discounts, he wouldn't have much left after paying tuition. He might have had to work before the college entrance examination. How could he have the time and money to play with women?

At such a critical juncture as the senior year of high school, the provincial top student, who can help the school and teachers improve their reputation and boost their performance, must be given special attention. It is natural that he would take it so seriously. Otherwise, why would such a matter as a girl getting pregnant before marriage be treated so seriously?

You have to know that there were quite a few people like this at that time, and some people even came out after squatting in the toilet.

To be honest, no matter what happened at that time, the school and teachers would not let it hinder my studies, so even if it was true, it was fake. Calling people over was just to do a favor. After all, it’s not good news that the provincial top student is having such a big fun in private, right?

But this kind of thing is very interesting to him now.

......

...

..

"Ah, it's piled up there, snow."

Chapter 89 Snow & Observation

"Okay, I'm just confirming. Since it's none of your business, go back to study. As for classmate xxx...you should explain it clearly to me, no, to your parents—"

"!"

Being called to school as a parent is terrifying in itself, let alone for something like this? xxx gave him a look that begged for help, and Pingxin got it.

It’s just that other people’s families are all pretending to be top test-takers, tutoring pretty school girls, and hooking up with beautiful teachers, but why is it that I have to deal with this kind of crap thing of being a father just because I want to?

Back then, he just wanted to keep things peaceful. After all, even if they were all idiots, they wouldn't be around for many days. But the final result... Haha, good people don't always have a good ending, and there's no limit to the stupid things idiots do.

Besides, it’s boring to be the same. Isn’t it more fun to be a little more individual?

Thinking of this before leaving, Ping Xin said, "Director, although this child is not mine, I know who is related to him."

"Oh? I didn't expect you to be gossipy. Tell me about it."

"Um...it's our homeroom teacher and—"

Then, she called out the names of seven or eight boys like a dish, and the more she said, the more the Dean and xxx's faces grew grim. After all, for him, this was a serious disciplinary violation, and for the other, it wasn't just a matter of reputation. After all, she was assigned to deal with them and didn't want to get herself involved.

But judging by what they just said, the masterminds have already been exposed~

"Well, I've remembered the people you mentioned...but you have to understand that this isn't something you can just talk about casually."

Talking nonsense, my mouth, haha...

Although he was amused by the cheap jokes, Ping Xin's expression was serious, helpless, and determined. No matter who saw it, he looked like a good young man who had stumbled upon a dark truth and mustered up the courage to expose it.

As for the evidence he just mentioned... well, at least half of it he knew existed or should have existed, and the part that didn't exist wouldn't be difficult for him to do with his current strength. Anyway, they were all scum who would harm others if left outside, so the sooner he went in, the less worries he would have.

"Wait, Ping Xin, what about me——"

Oh, yes, there is also xxx...