The social phobia substitute will not dream of the band girl

"...What exactly are you afraid of? Or rather, what is it that can make you feel fear? I hope you can be 'honest enough' this time. You should be very clear, clearly understand that I am also aware of this matter, and use this fact as the basis for our subsequent conversation."

"..."

"If you want to escape, you can. But so do I, because I also have the 'right' to escape."

Escape and lose you, or face it with you...?

Although you are always very picky and often make people feel uncomfortable because of your sharp criticism, in fact, it is something that can only be done and said after careful observation. So I can see that you can always put other people in your heart, which is really amazing -

Unlike me, I always care about people, but I only care about them, worry about them, and keep them in my heart.

"I'm a self-centered bastard, so I won't explain it to you... But sometimes, I talk to myself. After all, if you keep it to yourself, you'll really go crazy... Well, really—"

"..."

Higuchi Enka looked out the window. The sunset was not on this side, but on that side, but also on the window next to her.

"I... probably have had a very low self-esteem since I was a child. My low self-esteem is different from others, but in order to survive, I have to be strong, so I pretend to be strong. Even if the disguise of strength turns into a competitive, rebellious, and unyielding character that is deeply rooted in my bones, it is just a disguise. I have always believed that."

"But there was a day when I could make friends, the real kind... But I made a big mistake, and then I ran away, thinking I had... Sometimes the more I try to forget that memory, the deeper it becomes, often keeping me awake at night."

"I fled far away, to the other side of the ocean, the other side of the horizon. I tried to integrate into the new life and new environment, and then use this unfamiliarity to make me forget. But I was wrong again. Even if I could leave anywhere and anyone without hesitation, I could never escape my own heart."

"Very quickly, I fell ill, without any signs or clues. This strange disease not only took away three years of my life, but also my parents, my desire to live, and my courage to die. On the one hand, I couldn't die for my sister, and on the other hand, I couldn't die to wait for them... But I did think about dying—"

"..."

"!"

"I've thought about it many, many times... but before I even realized it, I was saved time and time again. Sometimes it was my last remaining family member, my sister, my little sister; sometimes it was the maids at home. Even though there was a master-servant distinction, I still wanted to treat them as my family; sometimes it was the warm greetings in the shopping street and some not-so-polite children... hehe~ at least buy a gift before visiting someone, right?"

"But my low self-esteem outweighs everything that loves me and everything I love. It makes me paranoid, it blinds me, and it forces me to become a self-centered person, someone incomplete in both body and soul. So I learned to disguise myself, to acquire one so-called skill after another. Whether it was legal negotiations, business negotiations, private talks, or formal meetings, I used my imagination to encompass everything, then control, manipulate... even humiliate."

"I lived in my own world, my own delusions, my own paranoia. But when I finally woke up and wanted to start over, I found that I was unworthy - inferiority complex is also a kind of love, and it is deeply rooted in my bones. It makes me dare only watch from afar, and dare not touch the beautiful things I yearn for...such as you."

"Miss Higuchi is right. I'm not looking at you, because I'm looking at the you in my heart, a perfect reflection of you who won't hurt me, a reflection I can only dream of... You know, when you look into someone's eyes, as long as you look between their eyebrows, they'll see you looking at them—"

But it seems that this useful little trick didn't work for you... I lose."

Ping Xin slumped in his chair, abandoning all his pride and pretense, and bowed to his queen.

Chapter 58 Love, Not Love

After a lengthy confession spanning over 50 years, Ping Xin breathed a sigh of relief. Then, as if exhausted, he collapsed backward, letting the sofa bear his 80-plus kilogram weight without regard for his image. For the first time since gaining his powers, he felt this tired, this powerless.

But at the same time, I feel so relaxed and at ease, as if I have finally been liberated from the cage and returned to the freedom of heaven.

The shackles he once wore were like weights to him. Although it was very difficult to move forward with the weight, the suffering he endured in the process of overcoming this difficulty allowed him to temporarily forget his self-blame, and the joy after overcoming it would give him the motivation to keep moving forward.

But now all of this is no longer necessary. He can choose to shoulder the things, responsibilities, and people he wants to shoulder. He can sing, dance, and make noises. He can try to love others and himself. There is nothing anymore that holds him back, nothing that prevents him from moving forward, except...

he himself.

"...You may not believe me when I say this, but you are the first woman I've fallen in love with (after my true rebirth), so I want to hide it."

"...What?"

"Hide my shortcomings, hide my differences, hide the fact that you don't like or accept me, and also—hide this emotion that I've suppressed for decades."

Higuchi Enka turned around only to find their eyes locked. It was the first time she had been this close to him, his skin, his bangs, his eyebrows, and underneath that... his eyes.

Before this, she had always thought that the descriptions in books were exaggerated, that is, false. But perhaps sometimes, reality is even more incredible than what is described in books, comics, and movies, just like the pair of black eyes before her eyes -

It is burning.

But what burned in those black eyes was not fire, but emotion, an emotion she could not understand, an emotion of fanaticism, self-centeredness, morbidity, hunger, obsession, madness, and inability to control oneself...

Is this love? Can this be love? Is this supposed to be love?

Higuchi Enka didn't know it, because in her heart, love didn't exist. So-called love was just an illusion brought on by the secretion of dopamine, a mere three months of revelry between a man and a woman, projecting their ideal illusions onto each other. Once they got used to it, it was hard to escape the trap of dependence.

But at this moment she was confused, but she also knew——

this is Love.

Because he could clearly see her shadow in his eyes.

A girl with short brown hair and a perpetually calm expression. Her hair was slightly curly at the ends, and her bangs, parted and framing, fell naturally, though a hairpin held them in place so as not to obscure her right eye. Her pupils were a beautiful purple, a color of mystery and dreaminess. Although her owner was not mysterious and hated the illusions brought on by daydreams, this did not prevent her from appearing like a dream in his eyes.

Shadow, burning——

Reason told her that this was an illusion caused by the last light of the sun before setting, a visual illusion like a mirage, just an insignificant coincidence, just like their meeting and acquaintance.

Sentiment told her that this was love, because it wasn't because he was burning that he could see her, nor was it because of the sun that he could see her, but because they met each other that this flame was born. So he was burning, he was burning for me, for a woman whose real name he didn't know...

Burning for who I really am—

They have no need for light, for they have light in their eyes.

No heat is needed because they can sense each other.

There is no need to look because they can feel the breath.

No need to say, because they see you and me in their eyes.

No need to listen because their hearts are already together.

"You are indeed very beautiful...very beautiful——"

His face was very close, because this way they could see each other's eyes, and see each other in each other's eyes.

"And it smells so good... unlike any other—"

His nose twitched slightly, both recording and marking.

"Your lips...even without lip gloss, they're still so cute and alluring."

He gently scraped the joint of his index finger, and the feeling of both the hard and the soft was so clear.

"But what I like most is your eyes——"

His eyes suddenly widened, as if they were about to pop out. Frankly, it was a bit terrifying. But now Higuchi Enka couldn't escape, couldn't escape, and didn't want to. All she could do was grab her arms, assuming this familiar pose while adopting an equally familiar expression.

A cold, unapproachable expression, ready to be sarcastic... but listening intently—

"...You know what? I'm actually a very stingy person... very, very stingy, but I'm willing to spend money on things I like, no matter how much, because money really is the most worthless thing. And I'm very possessive, so if there's something I like, I have to get it, no matter the price."

"...You're really high and mighty."

"You're right, I'm high and mighty, because that's the truth, and that's how it should be—I can become a god... So, are you going to reject the love of a god?!"

Because of one person's pressure, the other person will retreat, but when she has no more room to retreat, there is no need to retreat anymore.

"...Yes, please forgive me for declining. From ancient times to the present, throughout the East and West, it seems that few humans who have fallen in love with gods have had a good ending. Please seek another place."

Hiranobu continued to approach, but Higuchi Enka did not retreat, even though they had reached their destination. Because even though the car had reached the destination, they were still far from reaching the end.

"...You are right, but I am not a god - and I don't want to be one. After all, I have to listen to the prayers of mortals every day, and the thought of it makes me sick to death..." The familiar mumbling and the nostalgic nonchalance, the only thing that remains unchanged is that you can't guess the truth in his words, as if everything has returned to the starting point.

Hiranobu retreated, once again admitting defeat, because Miss Higuchi had once again surprised him. So he had to repay her.

As Higuchi Enka straightened her body, Heishin rushed forward, faster than any human, any creature, or any existence on Earth!

Where is his target?

Forehead? Cheeks? Or lips?!

No, neither of those. They had just "brushed past each other" once again. He simply embraced her, carefully, gently, and tenderly, and Ping Xin whispered in her ear, "Sometimes I'm really scared, afraid that because I like you too much, I'll do something I'll regret... But now it seems that my self-control is not so bad."

“…You committed a foul.”

"Well... so I prepared an 'apology' in advance. And you're right—

If I have eyes but do not see, then light has no meaning; if you are before my eyes but I do not love you, then this heart and this life have no value in existence... I love you."

“…Oh~”

She instinctively covered her mouth, but it was too late.

"Heh~... Really, it's very cute, Miss Higuchi~"

She opened the car door and ran away.

Running under the sunset, that is the youth she is experiencing——

Chapter 59 I Won't Fall in Love with You

"I'm back--"

"Ah, Enka, welcome back... Go wash your hands quickly, we'll be ready to eat soon."

“..Okay~~”

Just now, she ran at a top speed that she had never used in physical education class, but after running for dozens of meters, she realized that the other person didn't seem to want to catch up at all. In the end, she could only walk back with a belly full of anger. Don't ask why you are angry, sometimes you don't need a reason to be angry——

So she ate angrily, did her homework angrily, was silent angrily, took a bath angrily, slept angrily, dreamed angrily... and ended up being even angrier when she woke up.

Oh, it's just a morning grump.

"... Enka... Enka... If you're already up, hurry up and get ready. Today is Monday, don't sleep in." The door was not closed when she left. Enka, whose face was blown by the cold wind, pressed down her messy hair. She seemed to have become more and more resistant to low temperatures recently... Was it because of that guy?

Thinking about it, she suddenly felt a little angry because he had dared to attack her suddenly, and hugged her so hard that she could feel her heartbeat. If it was a kiss, she would have a legitimate reason to block him, but he was still an infuriating guy.

"I'm going out..."

“Have a nice trip~”

Thanks to someone, she completely lost the right to stay in bed the next day after staying up late, which really makes people angry.

"...'I won't fall in love with you'..send."

ding dong~

"......'learn!'?"

What does it mean to understand...?

I don't know why... I feel a little angry.

"...Haaaaaah, good morning, Higuchi...are you in a good mood?"

"Not good at all... Let's go."

"ao~"

One in front and one behind, the two set out on the road to school.

Soon, there will probably be four of us.

......

...

..

"Hey, is Enka-senpai going out this weekend too?"

"No...why do you ask?"

"Because Enka-senpai went out last week and brought back this panda stuffed animal, didn't he? So Hina (I) was wondering if he would bring back something good if he went out again."

A frog, am I?

Without answering Ichikawa Hina's usual off-key questions, Higuchi Enka was currently feeding Fukumaru Koito. He was using the same chocolate treat someone had asked him to bring last time, but it had been "confiscated." This double dose of healing had brightened her mood considerably, and the flame that had been burning for a full week was finally beginning to show signs of waning.

"En, Enka-chan...!?"

"...Feel sorry."

When she came to her senses, she realized that she had stuffed three different flavors of chocolate into Fukumaru Koito's mouth. She was so angry that she realized she had made such a mistake because of that man. Even though he hadn't done anything this week, the fire in her heart burned even more fiercely.

Asakura Toru blinked. She knew something was wrong with her childhood sweetheart, but she couldn't put her finger on it. So she blinked again, her image reflected in his pool of pale cyan. And of course, everyone else's. She didn't know what had happened, but this was fine.

"Ahaha~... Enka-senpai, what is this? It looks like a signature~"

"Wait!...Hina-chan, it's not nice to rummage through other people's things!"

There were already four panda dolls on the table, as well as many souvenirs she brought back from Ueno Zoo, but Ichikawa Hina seemed more interested in the other things in the bag. So these self-centered guys really are...